GIFT   OF 


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SELF-TRAINING 
FOR  MOTHERS 


BY 

MRS.  BURTON  CHANCE 

AUTHOR  OF  "THB  CARE  OF  THE  CHILD,"  "MOTHER  AND  DAUGHTER,"  ETC. 

J 


PHILADELPHIA  AND  LONDON 
J.  B.  LIPPINCOTT  COMPANY 


COPYRIGHT    1914.   BY  J.  B.  LIPPINCOTT   COMPANY 


...  ., 

•  ••  •••'"•«      J 


Electrotyped  and  Printed  by  J.  B.  Lippincott  Company 
The  Washington  Square  Press,  Philadelphia,  U.  S.A. 


"And  what  is  writ,  is  writ — would  it  were  worthier." 

— BYRON. 


PREFACE 

THE  aim  of  this  book  is  to  help  the  mother  in  a 
simple  and  practical  way  to  meet  such  questions  as 
these: 

How  can  I  bring  to  my  work  the  greatest 
amount  of  physical  and  mental  efficiency? 

What  can  I  do  to  make  home  a  real  influence? 

What  books  should  the  children  read,  when 
should  they  begin  school,  can  I  guide  their  friend- 
ships and  amusements? 

What  kind  of  discipline  counts? 

Ought  the  children  be  made  to  go  to  church  ? 

Is  it  right  to  insist  that  they  shall  bear  their  share 
of  the  burden  and  responsibility  of  keeping  up  the 
home? 

How  shall  boys  and  girls  be  fitted,  while  chil- 
dren, to  be  in  their  turn  true  home-builders  ? 

These,  and  a  multitude  of  other  questions  of  the 
same  nature,  come  to  every  mother,  and  it  is  not  by 
any  means  easy  to  answer  them.  True  vision  and 
keen,  sympathetic  judgment  are  fruits  of  the  trained 
mind.  That  the  mother's  mind  is  not  always  trained 
to  the  service  she  has  undertaken  is  why  she  some- 
times fails  to  do  her  work  in  the  very  best  way  it 
can  be  done. 


PREFACE 

The  endeavor  of  this  book  is  to  show  how  the 
busy  mother  can  save  time  to  develop  her  personality 
and  to  cultivate  her  emotional  and  intellectual  life. 
For  only  by  self-training  can  she  bring  to  her  work 
the  high  type  of  practical  efficiency  necessary  to 
success. 

Several  chapters  of  this  book  have  appeared  in 
magazine  form.  My  thanks  are  due  therefore  to  the 
editors  of  the  Mothers'  Magazine,  the  Philadelphia 
Press,  and  others  for  their  courteous  permission 
to  reprint  them.  I  must  also  thank  the  many 
authors  and  publishers  who  have  so  very  kindly 
allowed  me  to  use  quotations  and  excerpts  from  their 
books. 

MARIA  SCOTT  BEALE  CHANCE. 

RADNOR,  PA.,  October  15,  1914. 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

I.    WHAT  QUALITIES  MAKE  A  GOOD  MOTHER  ? i 

II.    THE  MOTHER'S  DUTY  TO  HERSELF 17 

III.  MAKING  TIME 27 

IV.  HEALTH 38 

V.    NURSERY  DAYS — SPIRITUAL 52 

VI.  NURSERY  DAYS — PHYSICAL 68 

VII.  DISCIPLINE 81 

VIII.  RESPONSIBILITY 96 

IX.  SCHOOL  DAYS no 

X.  AMUSEMENT 132 

XI.  BOOKS  FOR  CHILDREN 146 

XII.  INDIVIDUALITY 157 

XIII.  INFLUENCING  OLDER  CHILDREN 178 

XIV.  HOME  AND  THE  CHILD 189 

XV.  How  MUCH  SHALL  WE  TELL  THE  CHILDREN  ? 207 

XVI.    CHAPERONAGE 216 

XVII.    WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY  (SPIRITUAL  PREPA- 
RATION)   230 

XVIII.    WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY  (PHYSICAL  PREPA- 
RATION)   246 

XIX.    A  FOURTH  "  R  "  IN  EDUCATION.  .  .  260 


SELF-TRAINING 
FOR  MOTHERS 


WHAT  QUALITIES  MAKE  A  GOOD 
MOTHER? 

"  The  wise  educator  is  never  one  who  is  '  educating '  from 
morning  to  night.  She  is  one,  who,  unconsciously  to  the  chil- 
dren, brings  to  them  the  chief  sustenance  and  creates  the  su- 
preme conditions  of  their  growth.  Primarily  she  is  the  one 
who,  through  the  serenity  and  wisdom  of  her  own  nature 
is  dew  and  sunshine  to  growing  souls.  She  is  one  who  under- 
stands how  to  demand  in  just  measure,  and  to  give  at  the  right 
moment.  She  is  one  whose  desire  is  law,  whose  smile  is  re- 
ward, whose  disapproval  is  punishment,  whose  caress  is  bene- 
diction." 

—ELLEN  KEY. 

"  Long  as  the  heart  beats  life  within  her  breast 

Thy  child  will  bless  thee,  guardian  mother  mild 
And  far  away  thy  memory  will  be  blessed 
By  children  of  the  children  of  thy  child." 

THIS  is  Queen  Victoria's  tribute  to  her  mother ! 
Lord  Tennyson  wrote  the  words  at  her  request, 
for  inscription  upon  a  statue  of  the  Duchess  of  Kent. 
'  l 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Thus  the  great  Queen  and  Empress  publicly  rever- 
enced her  noble  mother,  and  thus  every  child  should 
be  able  to  bless  in  his  heart  his  own  "  guardian 
mother/'  whose  memory  and  influence  reigned  in  his 
life,  and  were  handed  down  through  him  to  the 
"  children  of  the  children  of  his  child." 

Every  one  longs  to  be  remembered,  but  influence 
is  no  hap-hazard  thing,  to  be  had  for  the  asking.  It 
is  not  the  result  of  a  sudden  tearful  waking  up  to 
failure,  nor  can  it  flower  in  an  instant,  however  hard 
we  grieve  and  pray. 

Influence — true  influence,  which  projects  through 
the  mother  into  her  child  and  on  indefinitely  to  the 
widening  circles  of  her  race,  is  the  harvest  of  a 
careful  time  of  seed-sowing.  It  can  not  be  got 
suddenly,  it  can  not  be  bought  or  shammed,  it  is  a 
result. 

I  often  think  of  the  child  as  a  vine.  The  vine 
shoots  out  a  number  of  feelers,  and  only  those  feelers 
mount  which  find  something  to  mount  upon.  Other- 
wise they  trail  aimlessly  along  the  ground. 

The  mother  who  is  going  to  be  remembered  by 
"  the  children  of  the  children  of  her  child  "  is  the 
mother  who  presents  in  her  own  personality  some- 
thing upon  which  the  strongest  feelers  her  children 
put  out  can  take  hold  upon  and  mount. 

The  vine,  by  the  very  reason  of  its  nature,  is 
2 


WHAT  QUALITIES  MAKE  A  GOOD  MOTHER? 

quick  to  proceed  as  directed  by  something  higher 
and  more  permanent  than  itself.  A  child  can  not 
grow  quickly,  normally,  happily,  and  eternally,  unless 
he  follows  the  lead  of  a  stronger  soul.  To  fit  her- 
self to  be  the  standard  for  the  vine  is  the  true  work 
of  motherhood.  Influence  is  the  unconscious  product 
of  a  life  lived  with  a  sense  of  such  consecration. 

Now,  while  in  the  heat  of  the  day,  while  yet 
malleable,  is  the  time  for  us  to  ask  ourselves  what 
qualities  live  longest  in  influence ;  for  very  soon  our 
limitations  harden  around  us  like  a  plaster  cast. 
Then  it  is  already  too  late  to  become  anything  new. 
The  golden  time  for  self-knowledge  and  self -im- 
provement is  when  the  children  are  little,  when  our 
problems  are  still  new  and  interesting,  and  we  go 
forward  to  meet  them  with  the  courage,  initiative, 
and  enthusiasm  of  youth.  Then,  because  we  are  still 
plastic,  we  can  learn  to  do  or  be,  well  anything! 
But  after  a  while  it  becomes  very  different  and  be- 
cause we  have  not  sown  in  time,  there  is  no  harvest. 

One  of  the  first  characteristics  to  produce  in- 
fluence in  a  woman  is  a  willingness  to  be  herself. 
The  craze  for  imitation  has  wrecked  many  splendid 
natures.  The  pitiful  sight  of  a  life  dominated  by  the 
thought  of  what  "  people  will  say/'  is  common. 
Women  blindly  put  vices  and  clamps  upon  their  own 
natures  in  an  endeavor  to  shape  themselves  accord- 

3 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

ing  to  somebody's  else  pattern,  and  make  absolute 
ciphers  of  themselves  by  trying  to  become  some- 
thing they  were  never  intended  to  be. 

Go  into  the  street  of  small  houses — is  not  every 
window  the  same  as  every  other  window?  In  the 
big  shops,  do  not  the  girls  seem  even  to  try  to  efface 
their  individualities  by  adopting  the  same  arrange- 
ment of  the  hair;  by  wearing  precisely  the  same  type 
of  jewelry,  the  same  cut  of  lace  collar,  the  same 
round  locket  suspended  on  the  same  length  of  imi- 
tation gold  chain  ? 

It  is  the  woman  who  does  her  hair  in  a  way  that 
is  becoming  to  her  own  face,  no  matter  how  other 
people  do  theirs ;  who  has  ideas  about  her  front  cur- 
tains that  make  her  windows  different  from  her 
neighbor's;  it  is  the  woman  who,  in  other  words, 
has  the  courage  to  be  herself,  it  is  she  whom  we 
find  standing  out  against  the  light  and  shadow  of 
family  life  as  a  real  person,  and  handing  on  her  in- 
fluence through  her  children  to  the  generations  that 
are  to  come. 

It  never  really  pays  to  copy  other  people.  A 
woman  may  make  a  very  poor  imitation  of  some 
other  woman  and  yet  have  the  power  to  be  a  strong 
helpful  personality  along  her  own  lines.  One  ounce 
of  that  mysterious  thing  called  personality  is  worth 
pounds  of  imitation  when  it  comes  to  generating 

4 


WHAT  QUALITIES  MAKE  A  GOOD  MOTHER? 

influence.  One  may  even  have  one's  fine  points 
entirely  blotted  out  by  years  of  unconscious  imitation 
of  an  admired  friend.  Imitation  is  fatal  to  individ- 
ual development. 

I  know  two  cousins,  both  married,  both  with  three 
little  children.  One  is  strong,  vigorous,  impelling; 
the  other  frail,  delicate,  and  bound  by  years  of  will- 
ing moral  servitude  to  the  much  loved  stronger  soul. 
As  I  study  the  more  yielding  nature,  I  often  feel  that 
it  has  gradually  become  only  a  pane  of  glass  through 
which  the  other  radiant  dominating  face  looks  out. 
The  children  are  suffering  because  to  them  is  applied 
the  ideals  which  govern  the  animal-like  robustness 
of  their  little  cousins.  In  her  effort  to  bring  her  chil- 
dren up  as  they  are  being  brought  up,  this  delicate 
mother  meets  innumerable  obstacles — differences  in 
character,  disposition,  and  environment  which  she  re- 
fuses to  see!  If  she  would  throw  off  the  yoke 'of 
imitation,  and  be  herself  there  would  be  none  of  the 
friction  which  now  leaves  her  a  nervous  wreck 
at  the  end  of  the  day.  Her  influence  would  be  greater 
if  she  would  teach  her  children  to  revolve  around 
herself.  Instead  she  tries  harder  every  year  to  attach 
them  to  a  system  which  they  were  not  created  to  join 
and  where  they  look  and  feel  and  are  out  of  place. 

To  gain  influence  one  must  be  self-reliant,  not 
imitative,  and  beware  of  imposing  a  line  of  treat- 

5 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

ment  or  discipline  upon  children  simply  because  it  has 
proved  effective  elsewhere ! 

We  women  have  many  hereditary  faults.  Love 
of  ease,  caprice,  self-indulgence,  vacillation  of  pur- 
pose, indecision,  hastiness  of  speech — these  are  ours 
and  have  been  ours  throughout  the  ages.  And  un- 
fortunately the  very  simplicity  and  directness  of  the 
child's  mind  cause  him  to  rebel  instinctively  against 
them. 

He  is  all  single-purposed  energy  with  desires  well 
pointed  toward  a  definite  goal.  He  resents  injustice, 
whims,  or  fancies.  He  can  not  understand  depres- 
sion, why  our  enthusiasms  grow  suddenly  cold,  our 
tempers  vague,  our  commands  and  indulgences  vari- 
able. He  recognizes  no  law  in  us,  therefore  he  with- 
holds his  allegiance.  He  waits  and  watches  us  out 
of  the  keen  adorable  candor  of  his  open  soul. 

Watching,  he  begins  to  judge.  Now  is  the  time 
to  show  him  what  we  are  made  of;  now  is  the  time 
to  compel  his  allegiance,  to  make  him  see  by  the 
work  of  every  day  that  in  us  his  little  soul  has  found 
its  true  captain,  and  that  under  our  colors  he  may 
safely  sail.  This  is  influence. 

Self-control  helps  in  gaining  influence.  Self- 
control  helps  us  to  marshal  our  forces  to  the  best 
advantage.  It  helps  us  also  to  keep  the  weak  points 
in  our  defence  in  the  background.  This,  unfor- 

6 


WHAT  QUALITIES  MAKE  A  GOOD  MOTHER? 

tunately,  we  do  not  always  do,  and  the  children 
suffer. 

Every  day,  we  act  and  say  things,  which  we 
regret.  How  self-control,  if  only  used  in  time,  would 
have  helped !  Self-control  gains  for  the  irritable  tem- 
per just  the  necessary  moment  for  reflection,  only  a 
moment,  and  yet  in  it  balance  and  cheerfulness  are 
regained. 

By  very  reason  that  she  is  herself,  all  a  woman's 
virtues,  however  beautiful  and  gentle,  have,  without 
self-control,  an  inherent  tendency  to  be  spasmodic, 
governed  by  circumstances,  dependent  upon  health. 
With  self-control,  time  is  gained,  sense  of  proportion 
and  that  little  instant  before  speech  which  is  so  indis- 
pensable. Only  by  virtue  of  self-control  can  the 
mother  keep  her  vagaries  hidden  within  herself,  and 
ease  the  atmosphere,  surcharged  as  it  so  often  is  with 
the  warring  little  personalities  of  her  own  creating. 

People  often  say  that  it  is  "  instinctive "  in 
woman  to  be  a  good  mother.  This  may  perhaps 
be  true  to  a  certain  extent,  but  instinct  is  proverbially 
blind,  and  it  is  safe  to  temper  instinct  with  knowl- 
edge. 

The  "  instinctively  "  good  mother  wonders  tear- 
fully if  it  could  have  been  the  red  sourball  or  the 
canned  corn  or  the  strong  tea  that  made  her  baby 
"  sick  " !  The  mother  who  has  added  knowledge  to 

7 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

instinct  understands  her  baby's  digestive  tract  just 
as  practically  as  she  understands  the  mysteries  of 
cutting  out  a  pinafore  or  baking  a  cake,  and  she 
makes  no  mistakes.  She  has  learned  that  it  is  neither 
necessary  nor  worth  while  to  make  mistakes. 

We  often  hear  one  man  say  admiringly  of  an- 
other, "  He's  right  on  his  job."  We  mothers  should 
be  the  same ;  it  pays  to  study  our  job  and  learn  to  do 
it  the  very  best  way  it  can  be  done.  It  is  fatal  to 
rely  upon  instinct,  for  instinct  without  knowledge 
is  a  broken  reed. 

I  often  think  of  mothers  as  wireless  towers,  with 
the  little  voyagers  they  send  out  communicating  with 
them  day  and  night  in  the  mysterious  speechless  way. 
It  is  for  the  mother  to  keep  her  tower  in  order  and 
the  sensitive  instrument  alert  and  ready  to  receive 
each  faltering  message.  Sympathy  and  love  help  in 
doing  this,  but  so  does  knowledge.  Think  how  a 
woman  studies  to  become  an  artist  or  a  musician, 
yet  to  become  a  good  mother  she  relies  upon  vague 
instinct  and  gives  it  little  aid. 

Results  follow  organization.  Children  respond 
best  to  a  definite  plan.  Their  lives  need  organization. 
A  garden  to  be  successful  must  be  laid  out  in  certain 
well- formed  groups  with  forethought  and  intelli- 
gence. Children,  also,  must  have  their  lives  planned, 
they  must  be  guided  by  thought  as  well  as  instinct. 

8 


WHAT  QUALITIES  MAKE  A  GOOD  MOTHER? 

If  we  would  have  influence,  we  must  lead  de- 
voted, simple,  and  often  self-sacrificing  lives.  Chil- 
dren are  the  keenest  judges  of  character.  They 
scorn  counterfeits.  Do  not  for  one  moment  think 
that  they  will  be  deceived  by  handsome  clothes, 
costly  toys,  and  an  occasional  "  peep  "  into  the  nurs- 
ery, for  it  is  not  so.  Their  love  must  be  earned, 
and  their  admiration  won  by  something  real.  The 
mother  who  is  a  mother,  and  who  takes  the  thread 
of  her  child's  life  into  her  hands  from  the  moment 
he  is  born,  and  guides  and  guards  and  strengthens 
it,  will  gain  from  him  that  treasure  besides  which 
mountains  of  gold  are  as  nothing,  his  honest,  stead- 
fast and  enduring  love.  It  is  worth  trying  for,  for 
life  holds  no  deeper  or  more  enduring  joy. 

There  is  a  simple,  cricket-like  little  virtue  which 
chirps  cheerily  in  the  home  where  there  is  a  successful 
mother,  and  oh,  how  it  helps !  It  is  not  a  great  or 
noble  thing ;  it  is  not  a  star  to  be  snatched  from  the 
high  heavens  for  the  ultimate  glory  of  the  mother's 
crown,  it  is  only  a  little  virtue,  a  little  habit  of  daily 
life,  not  much,  and  yet  in  many  ways  hard  to  win 
and  when  won  often  proving  itself  a  strong  and  in- 
vincible ally — it  is  cheerfulness. 

"  It  is  worth  a  thousand  pounds  a  year  to  have 
the  habit  of  looking  on  the  bright  side  of  things," 
says  Samuel  Johnson. 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Did  you  ever  sit  in  a  crowded  street  car  and 
look  at  the  people  opposite,  and  wonder  what  they 
are  really  like  ?  Nothing  is  more  fascinating !  But 
the  study  reveals  one  astonishing  fact — hardly  a 
woman  but  has  lines  in  her  face  of  nervous  strain 
and  irritability;  yet  many  of  these  women  are 
adored  wives  and  much-loved  mothers!  How 
strange  it  is !  Where  is  the  halo  of  the  serene  sancti- 
fied life,  the  peace  of  the  satisfied  soul,  the  tender 
light,  the  clear  undisturbed  happiness  of  the  well- 
beloved  ? 

Try  to  be  cheerful  if  only  for  the  sake  of  those 
who  must  look  into  your  face  to  find  the  blessing,  in- 
spiration, and  happiness  of  every  day.  Can  it  possi- 
bly give  them  these  if  scarred,  lined,  furrowed,  cross  ? 

Cheerfulness  is  greatly  a  matter  of  point  of  view. 
Much  depends  upon  the  answer  each  woman  gives  to 
the  question,  "  What  is  my  struggle  for — am  I  here 
to  dodge  duty  and  to  lead  as  easy  and  comfortable 
a  life  as  I  can;  or  to  make  character,  and  fit  myself 
for  a  continued  and  higher  existence  ?  " 

To  look  upon  the  events  of  every  day  as  the 
material  God  sends,  the  material  He  means  us  to 
have  with  which  to  make  our  lives,  and  to  accept  such 
events,  through  their  very  difficulty,  as  being  a  test 
of  one's  mettle,  is,  I  believe,  the  only  point  of  view 
which  secures  cheerfulness  under  the  daily  strain 

10 


WHAT  QUALITIES  MAKE  A  GOOD  MOTHER? 

that  comes  to  all.  It  is  the  point  of  view  of  faith. 
Not  a  faith  which  accepts  in  the  spirit  of  "  of  course 
/  couldn't  expect  anything  else,"  but  a  very  wide  and 
far-seeing  faith,  which  realizes  the  plan  underlying 
each  circumstance  of  life,  which  accepts  the  heat  of 
the  crucible  willingly,  seeing  ahead  the  divine  shape 
of  the  ultimate  purified  soul,  fully  realizing  that  it  is 
all  worth  while. 

James  Whitcomb  Riley  with  his  inimitable  whim- 
sical sweetness  sets  forth  a  very  valuable  philosophy 
in  these  words : 

"  It  ain't  no  use  to  grumble  and  complain ; 

It's  just  as  cheap  and  easy  to  rejoice. 
When  God  sorts  out  the  weather  and  sends  rain, 
Why  rain's  my  choice." 

Cheerfulness  is  rather  more  often  than  we  would 
admit  a  matter  of  self-control.  One  can  always  train 
one's  self  to  look  at  the  best  side  of  the  day's  event. 
One  can  make  it  a  matter  of  self-discipline  that  the 
regretted  word  is  checked,  the  ominous  fears  remain 
unspoken,  and  the  threatening  frown  is  banished.  I 
know  a  woman  whom  nothing  has  helped  to  remain 
cheerful  under  the  petty  exactions  of  each  day  as 
much  as  the  words  of  Omar  to  the  effect  that  all 
will  soon  be  "  with  Yesterday's  Seven  Thousand 
Years."  The  words  rang  in  her  ears  during  a  pain- 
ful operation,  and  she  repeated  to  herself  again  and 

11 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

again,  "  it  will  all  soon  be  over  and  with  Yester- 
day's Seven  Thousand  Years.  The  only  thing  that 
matters  is  how  I  meet  my  trial  because  that  is  inde- 
structible." 

Or,  as  Priscilla  Leonard  puts  it: 

"No  man  can  choose  what  coming  hours  may  bring 
To  him  of  need,  of  joy,  of  suffering; 
But  what  his  soul  shall  bring  unto  each  hour 
To  meet  its  challenge— this  is  in  his  power." 

Why  should  we  associate  the  "  positive  "  quality 
with  man  rather  than  woman?  Nothing  helps  the 
mother  of  a  little  family  of  lusty  boys  and  girls 
more  effectively  than  positiveness.  Not  crossness,  or 
argumentativeness,  neither  of  which  leads  to  any- 
thing but  separation;  but  pure,  loyal,  just  positive- 
ness;  expressed  in  character,  not  in  criticism;  in 
daily  living,  not  in  empty  words. 

The  "positive"  father  has  well-thought-out 
views  upon  politics,  religion,  love,  business,  right 
and  wrong,  and  every  other  question  that  involves 
decision  and  action.  Why  should  not  the  mother 
have  the  same  ?  A  little  exertion  of  her  will  gives  this 
great  advantage  into  her  hands.  Directness,  self- 
assurance,  knowledge  of  and  a  kind  speaking  of  the 
truths  of  life,  these  lead  her  children  to  know  "  what 
mother  will  say  "  even  before  they  ask,  and  this 
knowledge,  though  they  are  unconscious  of  it,  is  their 

12 


WHAT  QUALITIES  MAKE  A  GOOD  MOTHER? 

guide  through  all  the  personal  struggles  of  their  life. 
She  is  positive  in  her  construction  of  right  and 
wrong,  of  mine  and  thine,  of  all  the  details  of  inner 
and  personal  life;  not  vacillating  or  changing,  as  the 
wind  may  blow,  like  a  spoiled  and  petted  child. 

A  "  positive  "  mother  admits  of  no  deviation, 
however  slight,  from  that  which  she  believes  to  be 
right  and  honorable ;  she  leaves  her  children  the  most 
blessed  of  all  gifts — that  of  inherited  high  principle. 
It  is  when  children  first  push  out  into  the  wider 
fields  of  life  and  are  assailed  by  all  kinds  of  tempta- 
tion and  mistrust,  that  the  mother  whose  simple 
directness  has  bounded  their  home,  stands  out  like  a 
beacon.  She  now  assumes  the  position  of  a  second 
conscience.  Her  personality,  character,  and  example 
unite  to  guard  them  and  establish  in  them  for  all 
time  the  virtues  which  she  has  been  cultivating  within 
herself  even  as  they,  too,  grew. 

Probably  the  mother's  most  enduring  gift  to  her 
children  is  courage.  The  true  mother  should  be 
before  all  else  an  infuser  of  courage.  This,  in  her, 
will  help  more  than  any  material  advantage. 
Courage  is  a  kind  of  spiritual  candle  at  which  a 
hundred  little  tapers  may  be  lit  and  it  remains  the 
same  bright  and  fortifying  star.  Courage  is  mag- 
netic. We  instantly  feel  it  and  all  that  is  good  in 
us  responds.  We  are  up  in  arms  at  once  to  receive  its 

13 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

inspiration  and  do  its  will.  Discouragement,  on  the 
other  hand,  drains  strength  away  even  to  its  last  red 
drop,  and  absolutely  annihilates  influence.  Even  lit- 
tle children  feel  their  efforts  benumbed  and  their 
courage  sink  to  nothing  under  the  weight  of  mental 
depression  as  shown  them  in  their  mother's  face. 

Courage  is  very  near  to  faith,  so  near  indeed,  as 
to  stand  beside  faith  in  the  very  foreground  of  the 
spiritual  life.  While  cultivating  courage  we  are  in- 
creasing our  spiritual  bone  and  sinew,  for  all  who 
pursue  an  ideal  need  courage,  and  courage  is  to  those 
who  seek  that  which  is  noble  and  high  and  far  away, 
what  the  buoyant  wave  is  to  the  swimmer,  the  wing  to 
the  dove,  the  string  to  the  harp,  the  flame  to  the 
candle.  It  is  their  very  life. 

The  mother  who  refuses  to  be  discouraged,  who 
refuses  to  see  the  narrow  personal  element  in  her 
child's  struggles,  who  stimulates  and  encourages  him 
to  go  on,  is  training  and  cultivating  in  him  a  moral 
strength  and  a  fortitude  that  in  the  bigger  things 
of  life  will  not  be  downed. 

To  have  this  kind  of  a  mother  is  the  best  thing 
that  can  happen  to  a  child.  She  stands  behind  him 
in  his  course.  Her  enthusiasms  and  beliefs  are 
always  wide  awake.  While  handing  him  generous 
sympathy,  she  gives  at  the  same  instant  a  subtle  forti- 
tude, born  of  her  trust,  which  is  strong  enough  to 

14 


WHAT  QUALITIES  MAKE  A  GOOD  MOTHER? 

keep  him  always  moving  on.  He  is  appreciated,  yet 
at  the  same  time  governed.  He  is  understood,  yet 
kept  about  his  business  by  constant  supervision  and 
control. 

One  word  about  the  mother's  voice.  It  may  seem 
a  little  thing,  but  I  believe  that  the  mother's  voice 
may  be  made  a  great  influence  or  a  great  hindrance 
in  her  work. 

A  young  mother  once  said  to  me  that  she  longed 
to  radiate  spirituality  and  peace  from  her  person,  and 
to  make  home  a  place  of  rest  for  her  husband  and 
her  children.  Have  this  ideal,  but  be  sure  that  the 
words  which  fall  from  your  lips  are  not  thwarting 
your  effort  even  as  they  fall ! 

A  loud,  opinionated,  dictatorial,  irritating  voice 
will  thwart  the  efforts  of  the  best  mother  that  ever 
lived.  A  gentle  voice  will  invest  with  dignity  her 
simplest  word. 

It  is  little  wonder  to  me  that  in  many  homes 
the  children  grow  up  silent  and  morose.  They 
are  afraid,  morally  afraid,  of  the  bitter,  penetrating 
"  personal  "  manner  of  their  mother's  smallest  word, 
making  a  request  an  attack,  an  opinion  an  instant 
invitation  to  battle. 

An  arrogant,  critical,  self-assertive,  combative 
manner  of  speaking  in  the  mother  hardens  and 
divides.  On  the  other  hand,  gentle  courtesy,  respect 

15 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

for  the  opinion  of  others,  true  humility,  and  a  soft, 
appealing  voice  radiate  influence  of  a  kind  which  is 
never  forgotten. 

A  mother  can  not  afford  to  raise  her  voice.  Her 
authority  must  be  seated  in  the  brain,  not  in  the  voice. 
To  scold,  to  nag,  to  assert  herself  and  her  opinion, 
this  the  mother  can  not  afford  to  do.  It  is  said  of 
Florence  Nightingale  that  during  the  two  years  of 
her  nerve-racking  life  in  the  Crimea  she  was  never 
heard  to  raise  her  voice,  never  once  seen  to  lose,  how- 
ever pressed,  the  gentle  dignity  which  made  the  men 
who  saw  her  turn  to  kiss  her  shadow  as  it  fell  upon 
their  pillows. 

This  is  an  ideal  worthy  of  imitation!  Think  of 
the  homes  that  would  profit  if  their  domestic  cam- 
paigns could  be  carried  out  under  the  leadership  of 
such  personal  discipline  and  sweetness! 


II 

THE  MOTHER'S  DUTY  TO  HERSELF 

"  God  did  anoint  thee  with  His  odorous  oil 
To  wrestle,  not  to  reign — and  he  assigns 
All  thy  tears  over,  like  pure  crystallines 
To  younger  fellow-workers  of  the  soil 
To  wear  for  amulets.     So  others  shall 
Take  patience,  labor,  to  their  hearts  and  hand 
From  thy  hand,  and  thy  heart,  and  thy  brave  cheer, 
And  God's  grace  fructify  through  thee  to  all." 

— ELIZABETH  BARRETT  BROWNING. 

IN  the  first  flush  of  enthusiasm  for  her  new  life, 
particularly  if  she  is  intelligent  and  unselfish,  the 
young  mother  often  sacrifices  herself  in  ways  that 
eventually  prove  unwise.  Her  special  talents  are 
given  up,  her  individuality  lost,  even  her  old 
friends  are  turned  away.  "  I  have  no  time.  I 
must  be  at  home,"  is  her  invariable  reply  to  any 
invitation  she  may  get.  Very  soon  people  stop  asking 
her  to  join  them  and  she  sinks  into  the  background 
of  life,  submerged  in  the  details  of  housekeeping, 
sacrificed  hopelessly  and  forever  upon  the  altar  of 
home. 

When  there  are  several  children,  and  the  duties 
and  cares  of  life  really  begin  to  press  upon  her,  an- 
other change  takes  place.  The  woman,  with  her 
priceless  gift  of  self,  becomes  extinguished  in  the 

2  17 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

housemother;  the  personality  of  the  wife  is  first 
blurred  and  then  forever  lost  by  the  demands  of  her 
new  vocation.  This  sacrifice,  which  many  young 
mothers  so  willingly  make,  is  unnecessary.  What  is 
more,  it  is  unwise,  it  is  a  very  poor  and  short-sighted 
policy. 

The  woman  who  marries  young  is  ignorant  of  all 
the  most  vital  and  important  phases  of  life.  To  stop 
thinking,  stop  reading,  stop  having  an  active  interest 
in  things  outside  her  home,  then,  is  fatal. 

The  very  time  of  all  times  for  a  woman  to  pro- 
gress spiritually  and  mentally  is  after  she  is  married. 
To  stagnate,  fall  back,  refuse  to  cultivate  herself 
then,  is,  as  I  have  said,  the  most  short-sighted  of 
policies;  for,  like  the  man  in  the  parable,  she  will 
find  if  she  does  not  add  daily  to  her  store  of  inner 
treasures,  Time,  the  inexorable,  will  eventually  take 
away  from  her  even  that  which  she  has. 

Yet  it  is  hard  not  to  become  narrow.  As  a 
woman's  efforts  and  interests  center  more  and  more 
closely  around  the  home,  she  finds  herself  gradually 
monopolized  by  it.  She  cuts  off  first  one  outside 
interest  and  then  another.  She  always  tells  herself 
that  it  is  "  only  while  the  children  are  young,"  or 
"  just  now  while  I  am  so  busy."  Life  seems  very 
long  and  she  thinks  she  will  have  time  "  later  on  "  to 
rake  together  the  paling  ashes  and  rekindle  the 
powers  and  enthusiasm  of  her  youth. 

18 


THE  MOTHER'S  DUTY  TO  HERSELF 

But  unfortunately,  when  the  time  does  come, 
and  she  grasps  the  coveted  leisure,  something  is 
found  wanting  within  herself.  It  is  too  late.  When 
the  children  are  young,  is  just  the  very  time  that  she 
herself  is  ripe  to  receive  impressions  that  count.  Her 
nature  is  tender,  plastic,  amenable,  full  of  sympa- 
thies. As  her  cares  diminish,  so  also  diminish  within 
her  the  powers  of  mind  and  body  which  constitute  her 
being. 

The  statement  that  man's  usefulness  ends  at 
forty,  though  discouraging,  is  true  in  one  respect: 
neither  man  nor  woman,  except  in  rare  instances, 
finds  it  possible  after  forty  to  begin  anything  new. 
Fashioning  of  the  raw  materials  of  life  and  charac- 
ter-construction must  be  done  in  youth.  Youth  is 
the  time  of  beginnings.  Youth  is  the  season  in  which 
effort  is  best  rewarded.  After  forty  it  is  hard  in- 
deed to  add  anything  to  the  basic  principles  of  one's 
being — it  is  almost  impossible.  Only  in  the  blush 
and  warmth  of  youth,  just  edging  upon  the  sweet  ful- 
filment of  maturity,  are  planted  the  seeds  that  will 
secure  a  middle-age  worth  living. 

A  mother  does  indeed  owe  a  duty  to  herself, 
the  most  important  phase  of  which  is  to  protect 
herself  from  the  hardening,  narrowing  existence  of  a 
domestic  life  with  no  outlets.  Unless  she  does  so  pro- 
tect herself  she  may  suddenly  wake  up  to  find  her 

19 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

horizon  bounded  only  by  the  chromatics  of  domes- 
ticity, and  herself  unable  to  amount  to  anything  vital 
in  the  lives  of  those  for  whom  she  has  unwisely  made 
the  improvident,  unappreciated  sacrifices  of  Self. 

Here  are  a  few  words  from  a  letter  recently 
addressed  to  one  of  the  editors  of  the  Outlook:  "  I 
thought,  when  I  got  married  at  twenty,  that  it 
was  the  proper  thing  to  have  a  family,  and,  as 
we  had  very  little  of  this  world's  goods  also  thought 
it  the  thing  to  do  all  the  necessary  work  for  them. 
I  have  had  nine  children,  did  all  my  own  work,  in- 
cluding washing,  ironing,  housecleaning,  and  the 
care  of  the  little  ones  as  they  came  along,  which  was 
about  every  two  years;  also  sewed  everything  they 
wore,  including  trousers  for  the  boys  and  caps  and 
jackets  for  the  girls  while  little.  I  also  helped  them 
all  in  their  school  work,  and  started  them  in  music, 
etc.  But  as  they  grew  older,  I  got  behind  the  times. 
I  never  belonged  to  a  club  or  a  society  or  lodge,  nor 
went  to  any  one's  house  scarcely ;  there  wasn't  time. 
In  consequence,  I  knew  nothing  that  was  going  on 
in  the  town,  much  less  the  events  of  the  country,  and 
at  the  same  time  my  husband  kept  growing  in  wisdom 
and  knowledge,  from  mixing  with  men  and  hearing 
topics  of  the  times  discussed.  At  the  beginning  of 
our  married  life  I  had  just  as  quick  a  mind  to  grasp 
things  as  he  had,  and  had  more  school  education, 

20 


THE  MOTHER'S  DUTY  TO  HERSELF 

having  graduated  from  a  three  years'  high  school. 
My  husband  more  and  more  declined  to  discuss  things 
with  me ;  as  he  said,  *  I  didn't  know  anything  about 
it/  When  I'd  ask,  he'd  say,  'Oh,  you  wouldn't 
understand  if  I'd  tell  you.'  So  here  I  am  at  forty- 
five  years,  hopelessly  dull  and  uninteresting,  while 
he  can  mix  with  the  highest  minds  in  the  country  as 
an  equal.  .  .  .  I've  been  out  of  touch  with  peo- 
ple too  long  now,  and  my  husband  would  much  rather 
go  and  talk  to  some  woman  who  hasn't  had  any 
children,  because  she  knows  things  ( I  am  not  specify- 
ing any  particular  woman).  I  simply  bore  him  to 
death  because  I'm  not  interesting.  Now,  tell  me, 
how  was  it  my  fault?  I  was  only  doing  what  I 
thought  was  my  duty.  No  woman  can  keep  up  with 
things  who  never  talks  with  any  one  but  young  chil- 
dren. As  soon  as  my  children  grew  up  they  took 
the  same  attitude  as  their  father,  and  frequently  say, 
*  Oh,  mother  doesn't  know/  They  look  up  to  and 
admire  their  father,  because  he's  a  man  of  the  world 
and  knows  how  to  act  when  he  goes  out.  How  can  I 
urge  my  daughters  now  to  go  and  raise  large  fami- 
lies? It  means  by  the  time  you  have  lost  your 
figure  and  charm  for  them  they  are  all  ashamed 
of  you.  .  .  /' 

This  mother,  and  thousands  like  her,  fail  to  see 
the  difference  between  unselfishness  and  self-abnega- 

21 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

tion.  True  motherhood  is  essentially  unselfish,  but 
the  perfect  mother  is  not  self -abnegating.  She  can 
not  afford  to  make  a  total  sacrifice.  Instead  she 
realizes  that  she  must  gather  all  the  forces  of  life 
within  herself,  and  nurture  them  patiently  for  years, 
if  she  is  to  maintain  her  position  of  guide  and  friend 
and  companion  to  the  boys  and  girls  as  well  as  to  the 
husband  for  whose  welfare  she  spends  out  her  health 
and  youth. 

For  the  very  reason  that  many  of  her  physical 
attractions — her  bloom,  her  figure,  her  grace — must 
go,  is  it  the  more  imperative  that  her  mind  be  kept 
alert,  her  position  in  the  community  maintained,  her 
work  and  influence  outside  the  home  continued. 

A  mother  can  not  afford  to  be  self -abnegating. 
She  who  puts  a  high  value  upon  her  own  time  and 
effort,  will  find  that  her  family  unconsciously  follow 
her  example.  The  efforts  of  the  drudge,  though  it 
makes  my  blood  boil  to  admit  it,  are  soon  taken  for 
granted,  and  very  little  made  of  them. 

It  is  only  being  provident  of  the  future  for  a 
mother  to  give  time  and  thought  to  her  own  develop- 
ment. And  believe  me  if  she  does  not  do  this  her- 
self no  one  will  do  it  for  her. 

Presently,  when  her  children  grow  up  they  will 
demand  intelligent  comradeship;  if  she  is  illiterate 

22 


THE  MOTHER'S  DUTY  TO  HERSELF 

she  can  not  give  it.  Later  on  they  will  want  advice, 
guidance,  general  direction  as  to  what  they  should 
do  or  say  or  write  in  certain  business  or  social  per- 
plexities ;  if  the  mother  has  been  hopelessly  out  of  the 
world  for  twenty  years  how  can  she  give  it  ?  There  is 
much  more  to  do  for  children  than  to  mend  their 
clothes  and  order  the  events  of  their  daily  life.  To 
inspire  them,  guide  them,  stimulate  them  to  effort, 
comfort  them  in  defeat,  applaud  their  success,  direct 
their  energies — this  demands  power,  and  power  is 
generated  in  each  human  soul  by  experience,  by 
thought  and  by  living  generously  and  broadly.  Such 
power  flows  directly  from  a  mother's  soul  into  her 
children's  lives — it  is  personality.  She  can  not  give 
this  out  unless  she  has  it. 

To  really  be  anything  at  middle-age,  a  woman 
must  have  systematically  given  time  and  thought  to 
her  own  development  for  years.  This  means  that  she 
must  have  led  an  earnest  life,  for  from  a  spend- 
thrift youth  will  spring  no  harvest. 

Many  older  women  look  and  are  uninteresting, 
because  they  have  lost  the  grace  of  personality.  The 
sweetness  of  youth  has  vanished,  and  in  it  they  have 
neglected  to  plant  the  kind  of  seed  that  bears  fruit  in 
middle-age.  Middle-age  is  the  test  of  life.  The 
bright  threads  gathered  into  the  hands  of  youth  are 
patternless  for  all  their  beauty.  In  middle-age  they 

23 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

take  a  definite  form  and  there  begin  to  be  results. 
Although  it  is  far  from  the  harvest  time,  the  fields 
are  full  of  promise;  much  is  visible,  and  the  soul 
begins  to  count  its  gain  and  know  its  loss.  To  pre- 
pare for  an  interesting  middle-age  is  one  of  the  best 
investments  of  time  a  woman  can  make. 

Does  it  still  sound  selfish — this  thought  of  a 
duty  to  herself  when  life  is  all  complex  with  the 
varying  demands  of  others,  and  each  day  hard  to 
pilot  to  a  safe  harbor,  laden  as  it  is  with  duties  not 
one  little  bit  concerning  Self,  yet  of  her  own 
choosing? 

We  are  not  selfish  if  we  occasionally  look  inward. 
Around  the  magnet  of  the  mother  many  different 
lives  and  natures  cling.  She  has  a  great  responsi- 
bility. Unless  grace  accrues  to  her  with  the  daily 
living  of  her  life,  all  will  suffer.  Her  efforts  for  the 
material  welfare  of  her  home  will  be  ineffective 
and  colorless  unless  she  herself  gathers  strength  from 
a  spiritual  and  mental  world  outside  its  bounds. 

One  of  a  happy  mother's  greatest  temptations 
is  to  become  absorbed  in  her  home  and  her  children, 
satisfied  with  herself,  as  gratified  and  substantiated 
in  them.  Yet  the  very  moment  that  she  puts  herself, 
as  it  were,  all  in  them,  she  ceases  to  grow.  And 
this  is  not  spiritual  thrift. 

Every  grain  of  Self,  prized  and  stimulated  and 

24 


THE  MOTHER'S  DUTY  TO  HERSELF 

guarded,  is  just  that  much  more  beauty  to  add  to  the 
mysteries  of  inner  and  personal  life.  Spiritual  thrift, 
or  in  other  words,  the  proper  care  of  Self,  is  not  time 
wasted,  but  time  gained,  for  without  the  resources 
of  personality,  without  the  mysterious  quality  of  in- 
ward personal  strength  in  their  parents,  children  run 
riot  and  are  uninfluenced. 

Just  so  long  as  a  woman  keeps  a  straight  path 
open  from  her  soul  out  into  the  world  beyond,  she 
will  keep  the  grace  and  magnetism  of  personality.  To 
do  this  she  must  have  some  leisure  to  read,  think,  and 
work  a  little,  daily,  in  her  "  upland  farm."  Thoreau 
tells  of  the  imperishable  blooms  to  be  found  there: 
"  Your  higher  ground,  your  upland  farm,  whither 
no  cart  path  leads,  but  where  you  mount  alone  with 
your  hoe — where  the  life  everlasting  grows;  there 
you  raise  a  crop  which  needs  not  to  be  brought  down 
into  the  valley  to  a  market;  which  you  barter  for 
heavenly  products. 

The  special  growth  of  this  upland  farm  is  per- 
sonality. The  mother  who  would  keep  the  enthusi- 
asm of  youth  and  add  to  it  the  vigor  and  strength 
of  maturity  must  fly  there  often.  Personality — the 
gift  of  youth  must  be  redeemed  in  middle-age. 
To  many  minds,  summer's  crown  of  wheat  is  more 
interesting  than  the  frail  tints  of  spring.  In  matur- 
ity woman  presents  in  her  face,  her  poise,  and  her 

25 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

general  output,  all  the  indistinct  outlines  of  her 
maidenhood,  intensified  and  fulfilled.  She  has  re- 
deemed herself.  She  is  what  she  once  hoped  she 
might  become. 

No  phase  of  life  is  so  fraught  with  opportunity 
for  woman  than  the  domestic.  If  she  is  without  a 
home,  husband,  and  children,  she  rightly  feels  that 
she  has  been  denied  the  very  scent  and  glory  of  her 
being.  But  it  is  a  sphere  in  which  to  find — not  to  lose 
—herself.  A  woman  is  a  better  mother  and  a  better 
wife  who  refuses  to  lose  herself  and  her  personality 
in  the  material  interests  of  her  family.  By  insisting 
that  her  own  development  shall  not  be  thwarted  and 
submerged  she  rises  to  her  proper  dominion  over  the 
home,  and  fulfils  her  duty  to  herself.  Life  is  always 
the  better  for  a  little  spice. 

The  woman  who  has  the  independence  to  refuse 
to  be  a  drudge  and  the  ability  to  guard  and  advance 
her  own  personality,  will  find  that  she  is  given  a  rev- 
erence and  a  far-abounding  love  undreamed  of  by 
many  a  patient  Griselda  renowned  for  sacrifice,  who 
may  have  died,  even,  in  harness  under  the  lash  of  a 
whimsical  and  capricious  family.  There  is  no  life 
better  fitted  for  the  right  development  of  woman 
than  home  life,  and  the  duties  and  joys  of  domes- 
ticity, provided  she  has  the  character  and  judgment 
to  live  it  without  losing  her  own  soul. 

26 


Ill 

MAKING  TIME 

"  The  common  problem,  yours,  mine,  every  one's, 
Is  not  to  fancy  what  were  fair  in  life 
Provided  it  could  be — but  finding  first 
What  may  be,  then  find  how  to  make  it  fair 
Up  to  our  means,  a  very  different  thing." 

— ELIZABETH  BARRETT  BROWNING. 

"  How  can  we  make  time  for  self-culture?  Life 
is  already  full,  too  full;  not  another  thing  can  be 
crowded  in."  Many  women  feel  this,  many  women 
say  it;  but  is  it  quite  true? 

Examine  your  life  critically  as  if  you  were  some- 
body else.  I  think  it  is  safe  to  say  that  you  will  find, 
if  you  are  quite  honest  with  yourself,  a  host  of  abso- 
lutely non-essential,  peace-destroying,  time-filling 
lines  of  effort,  sapping  your  very  life-blood,  yet  giv- 
ing you  nothing  in  return. 

Well,  what  then  ?  Be  brave !  Up,  and  have  done 
with  them  forever!  Spend  yourself,  if  you  will, 
freely,  liberally;  but  spend  yourself  where  you  will 
get  a  return.  Because  all  the  sheep  in  a  neighboring 
pasture  jump  through  a  hole  in  the  hedge  is  no  reason 
for  you  to  follow  until  you  know  what  is  on  the  other 
side.  Look  for  a  return — it  is  only  spiritual  thrift. 

27 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

For  instance,  before  you  spend  hours  making 
your  children's  clothes  by  your  own  hand,  wearing 
out  body  and  mind  with  fine  stitching,  see  if  the  same 
garments  can  not  be  bought  at  the  same  price,  thus 
saving  time.  Before  you  use  up  your  health  washing, 
baking,  sweeping,  see  if  there  is  not  some  electric 
device,  cheap  and  practical,  that  will  buy  you  ease  and 
a  few  precious  hours.  Before  you  undertake  a  busi- 
ness venture  be  sure  that  the  profit  will  equal  the 
strength  and  energy  you  are  promising  to  put  into  it. 
If  you  give  several  hours  a  week  to  cards,  question  if 
the  return  in  pleasure  is  equal  to  the  sacrifice  of  time. 
If  you  are  planting  a  garden,  plant  for  definite  re- 
sults, not  aimlessly  because  you  happen  to  "  like  " 
this  or  that  flower.  When  choosing  a  book  or  a  play, 
choose  something  that  will  give  you  mental  food  or 
good  honest  laughter,  do  not  be  satisfied  with  "  just 
anything."  Is  it  not  fair  to  say  that  life  is  over- 
full because  so  much  time  is  wasted  ? 

Talent  for  organization  and  an  executive  mind 
are  more  valuable  to  the  mother  of  to-day  than  many 
accomplishments.  The  "  busy  "  people  are  always 
those  who  waste  time  and  who  really  do  the  least.  To 
be  "  busy  "  is  to  lack  method  and  coordinated  effort, 
for  the  people  who  do  the  most,  the  really  "  big  " 
people,  have  time.  It  is  well  to  ask  if  being  "  busy  " 
really  pays. 


MAKING  TIME 

With  a  little  searching  some  unfruitful  occupa- 
tions will  be  found  in  every  life,  some  efforts  which 
are  being  spent  improvidently,  without  spiritual  re- 
turn. Reorganize,  train  the  head  to  save  the  hands, 
reconstruct  detail,  employ  saved  time.  Employment 
in  self-culture  of  wasted  time  is  all  that  any  woman 
needs. 

What  are  the  time- wasting  non-essentials? 
Roughly  speaking,  they  are  all  work,  religious,  politi- 
cal, social,  or  domestic,  done  to  so  great  an  extent 
that  the  essentials  of  life  are  imperilled. 

What  to  the  wife  and  mother  are  essentials? 
Good  humor,  poise,  health,  time — particularly  time 
for  companionship  with  her  husband.  These  are 
the  very  tools  of  her  trade. 

If  you  find  yourselves  "  busy  "  ask  before  it  is 
too  late,  "'What  shall  I  give  up?"  Probably  a 
glance  will  be  sufficient  to  show  you  why  you  are 
too  "  rushed  "  to  give  the  best  kind  of  love  to  your 
children,  why  you  are  always  cross  at  the  end  of  the 
day,  why  you  are  losing  the  precious  mental  and 
physical  qualities  of  youth. 

In  many  homes  there  is  everything  but  repose. 
Yet,  unless  the  mother  is  calm  and  reassuring,  unless 
she  "  has  time  "  for  her  children,  she  will  find  it  hard 
to  make  a  success  of  herself  or  of  them.  A  "  busy  " 
mother,  a  mother  continually  "  on  the  go,"  lacks 

29 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

concentration  of  effort,  and  without  it  she  simply 
can  not  hold  her  children. 

And  the  secret  of  it  all  is  so  simple — just  knowing 
what  to  give  up  and  then  having  the  will  and  courage 
to  do  it. 

In  the  mother's  work  it  is  more  important  to 
conserve  energy  than  to  spend  it ;  vastly  more  neces- 
sary to  control  nerve  force  than  to  exhibit  it;  it 
is  what  the  mother  has  within  herself  that  determines 
her  success,  not  any  kind  of  display.  It  is  in  the 
quiet  of  her  own  soul  that  new  powers  must  be  gen- 
erated. To  give  out  energy,  nerve  force,  physical 
strength,  mental  effort  in  one  great  tumble  until  there 
is  nothing  left  but  exhaustion  and  tears  is  a  too  com- 
mon mistake. 

To  have  any  leisure  it  is  necessary  for  a  mother 
to  ask  very  early  in  her  career,  "  What  shall  I  give 
up  ?  "  And  the  answer  to  this  question  tips  the 
scales  of  happiness  one  way  or  the  other  for  all 
time.  An  intelligent  facing  of  this  question  with  a 
determination  to  eliminate  all  effort  that  does  not 
contribute  something  to  the  main  and  eternal  chan- 
nels of  her  being,  is  the  surest  way  to  happiness. 

The  proper  use  of  time  is  at  the  root  of  power. 
To  use  time  profitably  and  have  a  little  left  over  is 
the  secret  of  a  well-ordered  life.  It  is  so  easy  to  for- 
get this,  or  fail  to  realize  it,  and  to  plunge  into  about 

30 


MAKING  TIME 

twice  as  much  work  as  can  possibly  be  carried  to  a 
finish. 

Yet  nothing  makes  a  woman  happier  and  more 
cheerful  than  to  possess  the  faculty  of  organizing 
her  home  so  as  to  use  all  her  assets  to  their  best 
advantage.  This  may  be  reached  only  by  elimination, 
by  a  continual  giving  up  of  unnecessary  effort. 

What  shall  be  done  with  the  saved  time  ?  Use  it 
in  getting  out  of  the  rut.  Lay  off  the  yoke.  Just 
an  hour,  it  may  be,  every  day,  or  even  less ;  but  use 
it  to  exercise  mind  and  body  and  spirit.  The  way, 
the  means,  just  how  she  shall  do  this,  no  one  woman 
can  decide  for  another. 

There  may  be  a  few  sad  instances  where  to  a 
broken  and  harassed  mother  this  ideal,  simple  as  it  is, 
is  quite  impossible.  She  can  not  give  up  anything, 
because  she  has  nothing.  Some  lives  may  be  so 
cruelly  tied,  so  barren,  so  difficult,  that  there  can  be 
no  thought  of  effort  other  than  the  necessary  one  of 
keeping  body  and  soul  together  with  the  material 
elements  of  daily  bread. 

But  the  miles  of  well-built  attractive  streets  in 
every  city,  and  again  the  miles  of  pretty  houses  out- 
side the  city  limits,  attest  that  the  average  woman  is 
not  a  drudge,  that,  though  she  may  be  curtailed  in 
some  ways,  may  have  to  work  and  manage  and  con- 
trive, she  yet  has  freedom,  and  she  can,  if  she  will, 

31 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

find  time  to  build  within  herself  the  eternal  and 
celestial  habitation  of  her  soul. 

I  was  surprised  the  other  day  to  meet  a  busy 
young  matron  hurrying  out  of  a  large  institute  of 
learning.  She  had  books  under  her  arm,  and  left  at 
the  door  a  crowd  of  youthful  journalists  and  school- 
teachers. She  hastened  to  explain  why  she  was 
there.  After  several  years  of  wrestling  almost  ex- 
clusively with  problems  of  domestic  nature,  she 
found  that  she  could  no  longer  concentrate  her  mind 
upon  anything  outside  of  the  narrow  boundaries  of 
her  home.  "  I  was  not  going  to  let  my  mind  go  to 
seed,"  she  said,  her  eyes  flashing  defiance  as  she 
scented  disapproval.  "It  is  only  two  hours  every 
week — surely  I  have  a  right  to  that  much  time — and 
I  am  taking  up  the  hardest  kind  of  studies  in  English, 
writing  and  memorizing — just  to  keep  what  I  had 
before  I  was  married/' 

Wise,  wise  mother !  Laying  up  for  herself,  not 
selfish  stores  of  selfish  knowledge,  but  fitting  herself 
to  "  keep  her  job  " ;  fitting  herself  to  keep  that  job  of 
being  a  mother,  that  simple  job  seldom  taken  by 
woman  as  an  earnest,  stirring  work ;  trifled  with  by 
her,  toyed  with,  and  then  too  often  angrily  given  up 
or  called  a  "  failure." 

But,  you  may  ask,  is  not  woman's  first  duty  to 
the  man  she  marries,  and  the  children  she  brings  into 

32 


MAKING  TIME 

the  world,  regardless  of  every  other  consideration? 
Most  certainly,  and  all  else  is  truly  secondary;  but 
standing  so  close  to  that  first  duty  as  to  almost  seem 
an  equal  one,  is  the  voice  of  her  inner  self,  demanding 
fulfilment  of  the  promises  and  possibilities  of  youth. 

A  busy  woman  who  wishes  to  accomplish  things 
other  than  material  must  see  her  ideal  hanging  like 
the  golden  fruit  of  the  fairy  books,  night  and  day, 
before  her  eyes.  To  reach  it  she  will  find  she  has  to 
make  many  personal  sacrifices.  By  forethought  and 
management  of  detail  a  little  time  can  be  saved  in 
every  day.  This  time,  even  if  it  is  but  a  few  moments 
at  night,  or  early  in  the  morning  before  the  many 
voices  of  the  home  begin  to  cry  their  claims  upon 
her,  is  hers,  her  opportunity.  It  is  the  one  door  open 
from  her  soul  into  the  past  and  present  of  the  world 
beyond,  and,  as  she  stands  daily  at  its  threshold 
she  breathes  the  breath  of  a  different  life,  and  draws 
into  her  being  stimulus  and  courage  for  another  day 
of  cares. 

Let  me  add  to  these  thoughts  with  a  letter,  found 
in  a  recent  number  of  the  Spectator — a  letter  which 
should  be  an  inspiration  to  every  woman  who  reads 
it.  Here  is  the  story  of  how  one  mother  glorified 
"  The  Common  Task  "  and  became  spiritually  great 
through  the  doing  of  small  things.  But  let  her  speak 
for  herself : 

3  83 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

"Sir. — It  was  with  the  keenest  interest  I  read 
your  review  on  '  The  Common  Task/  You  com- 
plain that  *  there  is  only  one  account  in  the  whole 
book  of  the  day  of  an  ordinary  hard-working  mar- 
ried woman/  Well,  for  your  own  benefit  and  satis- 
faction here's  another  which  you  can  pass  on  if  you 
like.  I  think  if  *  a  week/  instead  of  '  a  day  '  of  my 
life,  had  been  required,  the  book  would  have  been 
even  of  greater  and  more  varied  interest,  for  I  think 
it  can  more  truly  be  said  that,  in  household  matters 
'  one  week  telleth  another/  Every  day  brings  its  dif- 
ferent duties  in  addition  to  those  which,  like  dusting, 
are  done  daily.  And  it  is  this  variety  which  just 
saves  us  poor  Jills-of-all-trades  from  becoming  mere 
machines.  If  only  all  people  could  have  variety  of 
work,  they  would  not  need  even  to  be  amused.  It 
is  difficult  to  say  which  of  mine  would  be  the  most 
interesting  day,  all  are  so  full;  but  we  will  take 
Monday,  being  the  first  of  the  week.  We  are  six 
all  told,  including  the  maid.  We  used  to  be  seven; 
but  the  first  bird  has  left  the  nest  and  flown  across 
the  sea.  However,  his  letters  are  frequent  and 
cheery,  and  writing  to  him  one  of  the  many  pleasant 
duties  of  the  week.  I  rise  at  7:30;  it  used  to  be 
six,  but  that  was  many  years  ago,  and  now  I  let  my 
young  daughter  help  to  wash  the  household  flannels, 
while  I  turn  out  all  the  beds  and  collect  the  sheets  and 

34 


MAKING  TIME 

other  things  for  laundering.  Breakfast  must  be 
at  8 115  to  enable  the  two  boys,  who  attend  a  private 
school,  to  get  away  at  8:40.  Then  prayers,  and 
the  work  of  the  day  begins.  I  go  straight  to  my 
washtub,  and  the  maid  to  hers  (as  soon  as  the  wash- 
ing-up is  done),  and  we  peg  away  until  n  115,  when 
my  part  is  done,  and  sunshine  and  fresh  breezes  do 
the  rest.  I  can  not  understand  why  washing  day  is  so 
disliked.  What  can  be  more  delightful  than  to  see 
the  black-edged,  grimy  collars,  shirts  and  towels  be- 
coming cleaner  and  whiter  every  minute  ?  And  then 
the  smell  of  everything  when  they  come  in  from  the 
garden !  Violets  can  hardly  beat  it !  The  daughter 
meantime  has  done  the  dusting,  turned  the  airing 
sheets,  kept  up  fires,  and  done  the  flowers.  Then  we 
make  the  beds  and  I  see  to  the  greenhouse,  water  and 
turn  around  the  ninety  pots  and  seed  boxes,  and, 
thanks  to  that  assiduous  pest,  greenfly,  sometimes 
have  to  put  a  dozen  plants  out  in  the  yard  and  give 
them  a  good  squirting  with  some  of  the  lovely  soapy 
water.  By  this  time  it  is  one  o'clock,  and  the  boys 
are  home  from  school,  so  I  simply  fly  up  the  stairs 
and  exchange  my  gown  of  cotton  for  one  more  suit- 
able to  my  afternoon  circumstances.  Family  dinner 
(cold  with  hot  tart)  at  1 115.  There  is  no  fixed  rule 
for  Monday  afternoons.  Sometimes  I  have  to  go 
into  town  to  do  some  shopping ;  sometimes  gardening, 

35 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

for  we  have  a  very  large  garden;  but  the  aching 
state  of  my  nether  limbs  makes  me  prefer  retirement 
to  my  workroom,  where  I  can  tackle  the  piles  of 
needlework  waiting  to  be  done,  or,  if  the  spirit  moves, 
write,  which  is  one  of  my  greatest  pleasures  as  a  rest- 
ful hobby.  A  friend  may  or  may  not  drop  in  to  after- 
noon tea.  If  not,  family  tea  takes  place  at  5:30. 
After  that  family  prayer,  family  reading,  and  family 
singing  of  rounds  and  part-songs,  for  I  have  taught 
all  my  little  brood  to  sing,  and  am  still  teaching  them 
to  play.  Then  they  do  their  home  lessons  while  I 
either  read,  write  or  sew  again  until  7 145,  when  off 
I  go  with  my  daughter  to  rehearsal,  for  we  both  are 
in  a  musical  society,  and  that,  though  hard  work  in 
a  way,  is  my  greatest  mental  and  physical  refresh- 
ment. Home  again  by  9:45  to  a  frugal  supper  of 
cocoa  and  home-made  bread,  a  little  more  reading,  a 
little  gossip,  a  look  around  the  house,  call  in  the  cat, 
lock  up,  put  out  the  lights,  and  go  to  bed  to  sleep 
like  a  top  till  the  sun  creeps  in  and  reminds  us  that 
another  day  is  born,  and  the  '  common  task '  has  to 
be  taken  up  again.  It  is  not  all  so  easy  as  it  looks  on 
paper,  but  it  is  a  woman's  duty  and  easier  to  do  than 
to  leave  undone.  A  woman  in  such  circumstances 
does  not  merely  *  go/  she  is  impelled  along  by  the 
sense  that  certain  duties  are  waiting  to  be  done,  and 
hers  are  the  hands  to  do  them.  Worries  and  vexa- 


MAKING  TIME 

tions  I  have,  of  course,  but  they  are  not  of  my  own 
making,  as  personally  I  take  the  greatest  delight  in 
everything  I  do,  and  I  believe  that  if  every  girl  were 
put  earlier  '  on  her  own '  in  the  matter  of  house- 
wifery, the  *  Blue  Bird '  would  be  in  evidence  far 
oftener  than  it  is.  Hoping  I  have  not  taxed  the 
patience  of  a  '  mere  man '  by  this  homely  recital,  I 
am,  Sir,  &c.  S.  H.  E.  L." 

"CARDIFF." 

"  [What  are  we  to  say  of  the  writer  of  this 
admirable  letter?  There  is  a  story  which  tells  how 
a  man  praised  the  Duke  of  Wellington  to  his  face  in 
good  round  terms,  and  the  Duke  replied,  '  Don't  be 
a  damned  fool,  sir/  Save  that '  S.  H.  E.  L.'  would 
tell  us  what  she  thought  of  us  in  terms  less  vehement 
but  none  the  less  plain,  we  should  like  to  tell  her 
what  we  think  of  her.  As  it  is,  all  we  will  say  is, 
'  Hats  off,  gentlemen.'  This,  after  all,  is  the  finest 
thing  in  the  world.  And  yet  to  talk  of  it  even  as 
shamefacedly  as  we  have  done  is  something  like 
an  outrage.  *  Oh,  fortunate  mother.  Therefore 
your  home  and  garden  shall  endure.  Therefore,  for 
you  the  stock-dove  shall  croon  his  hoarse  note  and 
the  bees  make  their  light  humming  round  your 
flowers/ — ED.  SPECTATOR.]  " 


37 


IV 
HEALTH 

"  A  sound  Mind  in  a  sound  Body  is  a  short  but  full  descrip- 
tion of  a  happy  state  in  this  world." 

— LOCKE. 

"  Oh  health !  health !  the  blessing  of  the  rich !  the  riches 
of  the  poor !  who  can  buy  thee  at  too  dear  a  rate  since  there 
is  no  enjoying  the  world  without  thee?" 

— BEN  JONSON. 

PERHAPS  it  may  seem  prosaic  to  bring  the  moral 
attributes  of  cheerfulness  and  serenity  down  from 
their  height  to  the  level  of  comfortable  clothes  and 
shoes  that  fit!  But  I  believe  that  many  so-called 
"  cross  "  women  are  cross  only  because  they  lack 
the  necessary  sense  of  proportion  to  see  that  the 
spirit  must  have  a  comfortable  habitation  if  it  is 
to  grow,  or  to  realize  the  importance  of  securing  it 
this  practical  assistance.  I  verily  believe  that  the 
road  to  Heaven  is  longer  and  stonier  to  ill-shod  feet 
and  strained  eyes  than  it  is  to  the  woman  who  takes 
precaution  to  fit  out  her  body  before  she  begins 
to  climb ! 

"  Cheerfulness  is  the  principle  ingredient  in  the 

38 


HEALTH 

composition  of  health,"  says  Murphy ;  or,  to  put  it  in 
another  way,  only  the  utmost  force  of  character 
can  produce  cheerfulness  under  the  handicap  of  ill- 
health.  Health  is  to  woman  the  dynamo  which  gen- 
erates her  spiritual  power.  Before  that  little  blur- 
ring sound  is  heard  in  the  engine  is  the  time  for 
self-examination.  Before  nerves  are  on  edge  and 
temper  out  of  sorts  is  the  time  to  ask  if  the  machinery 
which  runs  the  higher  life  is  in  repair. 

Doctors,  fortunately  for  women,  appreciate  what 
a  handicap  "  nerves  "  are,  and  if  a  sense  of  tension 
and  strain  is  felt  it  is  not  hard  to  secure  the  services 
of  one  who  will  be  not  only  skilful,  but  sympathetic. 
To  do  as  he  suggests  will  be  the  first  step  toward 
acquiring  working  efficiency  and  the  blessing  of  poise. 

Poise  is  the  happy  balance  struck  in  a  life  where 
mind  and  body  work  together,  where  spiritual  and 
nervous  energies  are  equally  developed,  and  where 
the  intellectual  and  physical  output  of  the  body  are 
ruled  by  health.  Poise  is  something  more  than  health 
— it  is  plus-health. 

Emerson  coined  the  word  "  plus-health  "  to  de- 
scribe a  condition  of  body  and  mind,  in  which,  over 
and  above  the  health  necessary  that  one  may  be  able 
to  do  one's  daily  work,  there  is  yet  another  supply, 
a  plus-health,  as  he  called  it,  to  be  drawn  upon  in 
emergencies ;  a  bank,  as  it  were,  into  which  the  provi- 

39 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

dent  woman  drops  a  coin  of  rest  and  mental  relaxa- 
tion every  day,  for  the  possible  drain  on  her  vitality 
that  a  future  day  may  hold. 

To  live  in  such  a  condition  is  to  live  buoyed  up 
by  hope  and  courage.  Hope  and  courage,  both  direct 
results  of  health,  are  the  first  angels  to  desert  the 
House  of  Life  once  it  has  been  deprived  of  its  fuel. 
The  fuel  of  life,  its  inward  fire  and  true  illumination, 
is  health. 

Woman  can  not  afford  to  disregard  the  impor- 
tance of  keeping  well  stocked  with  fuel  her  House 
of  Life,  nor  can  she  for  one  moment  afford  to  over- 
look this  matter  of  garnering  for  herself,  while  filled 
with  the  vitality  and  initiative  of  youth,  a  precious 
store  of  "  plus-health." 

Woman  must  not  live  for  the  present,  for  we  de- 
pend upon  her  for  all  the  future.  Through  her  hands, 
as  mother  of  the  human  race,  the  thread  of  its  des- 
tiny runs,  dyed  by  her  fingers  even  as  it  passes,  in 
a  deep  and  immortal  spiritual  dye.  The  color,  the 
strength,  the  lightness,  the  durability — all  are  hers 
to  give. 

Though  man  may  be  allowed  to  spend  his  energies 
on  the  present  and  even  be  praised  for  so  doing,  in  the 
mind  and  body  of  woman  sleeps  the  future  of  the 
human  family,  and  it  is  she  who,  while  training  the 

40 


HEALTH 

child  to  become  a  grown  man,  fulfils  a  task  of  un- 
speakable spiritual  dignity  and  social  importance. 

To  fit  herself  for  this  her  true  and  special  work 
she  must  have  health.  Be  the  cause  never  so  good,  to 
allow  it  to  use  up  every  available  bit  of  nervous 
energy,  to  sap  drop  by  drop  the  vitality  of  her  being, 
to  live,  so  pressed  down  by  care  that  only  a  weary 
sediment  of  self  is  left  at  the  end  of  the  day,  and  she 
is  incapable  of  giving  out  refreshment  to  those  who 
depend  upon  her  for  it,  is  wrong. 

Yet  this  does  not  mean  that  she  may  be  idle. 
Work  is  essential  to  happiness.  To  have  work  to  do 
and  to  do  it  well  is  one  of  the  surest  paths  to  health. 
As  Carlyle  says :  "  Work  is  the  grand  cure  of  all  the 
maladies  and  miseries  that  ever  beset  mankind." 
It  is  a  joy  to  be  useful  to  those  we  love ;  we  must  con- 
tribute in  some  way  to  the  happiness  of  others  if  we 
ourselves  are  to  be  happy.  Nothing  can  be  worse 
for  a  woman  than  to  live  aimlessly,  nothing  better 
than  for  her  to  have  a  sense  of  vocation,  to  be  work- 
ing for  definite  ends,  and  to  feel  that  her  hand  and 
her  mind  have  a  daily  task  to  do  which  she  and  no 
one  else  in  the  whole  wide  world  can  fully  accom- 
plish. 

Every  woman,  whether  she  is  a  wife  or  not,  must 
have  something  to  do.  A  work  into  which  she  can 
throw  her  interests.  By  work,  by  service,  she  keeps 

41 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

alive  in  herself  the  precious  elasticity  and  adaptability 
which  find  themselves  mysteriously  contraverted  into 
what  Emerson  has  called  "  plus-health." 

"  Thank  God  every  morning  when  you  get  up  that 
you  have  something  to  do  which  must  be  done 
whether  you  like  it  or  not,"  says  Charles  Kingsley. 
"  Being  forced  to  work  and  forced  to  do  your  best 
will  breed  in  you  temperance,  self-control,  diligence, 
strength  of  will,  content,  and  a  hundred  virtues  which 
the  idle  will  never  know." 

Work  and  interests  outside  the  home  help  us  to 
fight  against  one  of  the  greatest  of  health-consumers 
— worry.  I  do  not  suppose  a  person  has  ever  lived 
who  has  been  free  of  worry.  Yet  we  must  fight 
worry,  and  we  must  fight  it  through  the  body.  Ill- 
health  and  the  peculiar  depression  which  surrounds 
it  is  a  fertile  breeding-ground  for  anxious  thoughts. 

Worry  is  pathologic.  Spiritual  depression  and 
complaining  are  signs  of  disease.  Health — or  better 
still,  plus-health — has  its  own  resilience  and  is  coura- 
geous. The  Soul,  braced  by  bodily  fortitude,  invites 
conflict,  and  repeats  the  stirring  spiritual  command, 
"  I  am,  I  can,  I  ought,  I  will."  It  faces  difficulty 
with  trust.  The  mind  in  a  fagged  and  exhausted 
body  can  reach  no  such  vantage  ground. 

Recreation  and  pleasure  are  necessary  to  health, 

42 


HEALTH 

yet  how  few  of  us  plan  our  lives,  what  we  shall  do 
and  what  we  shall  not  do,  with  this  in  mind. 

The  farmer  soon  learns  that  to  sow  the  same  seeds 
in  the  same  place  every  year  exhausts  the  soil,  and 
that  eventually  only  poor  little  crops  will  appear 
where  he  had  hoped  for  great  results.  Why  can  we 
not  apply  this  principle  to  our  own  lives?  Why  do 
we  fail  to  see,  even  though  year  after  year  patient, 
toiling  Nature  endeavors  to  teach  us  the  lesson  by 
example  ? 

There  is  a  mental  starvation  just  as  surely  as 
there  is  a  physical  one,  and  many  a  wife  and  mother 
has  tasted  it.  The  body  and  the  mind  need  recrea- 
tion. The  need  is  not  a  selfish  one,  but  the  expression 
of  a  psychological  principle.  With  pleasure  and 
relaxation  come  an  added  ability  to  give.  Deny  the 
soul  the  stimulant  that  it  gains  from  outside  sources, 
and  immediately  there  is  a  change,  a  narrowing,  less 
to  give  out,  and  little  by  little  a  sure  using  up  of 
the  natural  plus-health  of  youth  and  enthusiasm. 

What  constitutes  relaxation  for  the  tired  mother  ? 
Not  sewing  or  fancy  work  which  requires  the  closest 
kind  of  attention  and  often  a  cramped  position  of 
the  body,  but  instead  a  brisk  walk  with  a  congenial 
friend,  a  concert  or  an  amusing  play,  reading  a 
bright  novel  while  lying  comfortably  in  a  hammock 
or  upon  her  sofa.  Anything,  in  fact,  which  lifts  the 

43 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

mind  entirely  out  of  the  rut  which  it  must  run  in 
every  day — anything  which  widens  the  horizon  and 
gives  new  food  for  thought ;  also,  smile  as  one  may, 
there  is  a  physiological  necessity  for  laughter !  Re- 
laxation is  necessary  to  development,  in  order  that 
the  refreshed  brain  may  bring  back  new  energy  to 
its  old  tasks.  Every  hour  invested  in  natural,  happy 
pleasure  and  amusement  will  add  to  the  plus-health 
of  mind  and  body. 

Mothers  and  fathers  need  a  holiday  quite  as  much 
as  any  other  class  of  hard- worked  persons.  Often 
this  need  is  overlooked  or  put  aside  until  the  tired 
parents  wake  up  to  find  that  they  have  been  too  long 
in  harness  to  be  able  to  enjoy  themselves,  and,  sad  to 
say,  find  also  that  with  the  ability  to  enjoy  has  gone 
out  of  their  lives  a  great  part  of  their  influence  over 
their  children. 

I  do  not  mean  to  say  that  parents  in  moderate  cir- 
cumstances can  often  let  their  burdens  slip  away  and 
go  off  for  a  honeymoon  just  together;  but  I  do  say 
most  emphatically  that  in  most  lives  it  can  be  done 
occasionally  and  that  doing  it  carefully  and  prudently 
hurts  nobody ;  instead,  saves  the  very  principle  in  the 
young  parents  that  goes  for  the  best  bringing  up  of 
their  children  in  later  years. 

A  trip  together  after  ten  years  of  the  narrowest 
and  most  faithful  kind  of  domesticity  is  like  a  rain- 

44 


HEALTH 

storm  to  a  thirsty  flower  or  a  spadeful  of  woody 
earth  thrown  upon  parched  and  stony  soil.  Instantly 
there  is  fresh  courage,  enthusiasm,  mental  and  physi- 
cal health,  almost,  I  might  say,  renewed  youth. 

I  believe  in  it,  even  if  much  of  the  little  pile  of 
savings  has  to  go,  and  even  if  moralizing  relatives 
lift  their  eyebrows  and  prophesy  evil.  I  believe  in  it 
because  drudgery,  and  what  we  sometimes  describe 
as  "  the  rut "  kill  that  priceless  thing  in  individuals 
— personal  power — and  personal  power  is  the  one 
force  in  life  which  can  accomplish  things,  anything, 
from  commercial  success  down  to  making  the  baby 
mind. 

No  life  is  so  narrow  as  a  good  mother's.  Every 
day  she  walks  around  the  same  well-trodden  path.  So 
gradually  does  the  path  change  and  mount  that  even 
the  pleasure  of  realizing  that  she  is  advancing  is  de- 
nied her.  Almost  nothing  new  and  stirring  and  vital 
comes  into  her  life.  How  can  she  be  expected  to 
have  any  ideas  or  to  be  really  helpful  to  her  growing 
children?  So,  in  order  to  save  herself  and  also  that 
she  may  have  more  to  give  in  the  future,  she  gets  out 
into  the  world  once  in  a  while,  and  for  a  few  weeks 
out  of  perhaps  every  eight  or  ten  years,  is  purely 
selfish.  And,  contradictory  as  this  may  seem,  those 
who  profit  most  directly  from  her  selfishness  are  her 
children. 

45 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

It  has  often  been  said  that  the  majority  of  per- 
sons found  in  asylums  are  those  unfortunate  men  and 
women  who  have  been  denied  stimulating  and  vital 
occupations  in  life.  It  is  the  woman  who  has  nothing 
to  look  at,  nothing  to  think  of,  nothing  to  do  who 
goes  insane;  why?  Because  there  is  no  life-giving 
channel  out  from  her  soul  to  the  world  beyond; 
she  has  nothing  with  which  to  fill  her  time  but 
thoughts  of  self.  Egotism  soon  leads  to  melan- 
cholia. 

We  can  not  afford  to  dwell  too  much  on  ourselves. 
Self-pity  must  be  avoided  as  the  plague;  it  is  the 
curse  of  women,  and  active  work  for  others  is  its 
only  antidote.  The  mind  is  sure  to  become  unbal- 
anced if  it  is  focussed  inward.  When,  instead,  the 
energies  are  directed  outward,  when  we  work  lov- 
ingly and  happily  for  other  people,  body  and  mind 
are  put  on  the  defensive  against  disease,  and  we  begin 
to  really  live. 

We  used  to  give  little  thought  to  overwork  and 
fatigue,  but  now  we  must  look  at  them  both  in  a  new 
light.  Experiments  have  been  made  which  prove  that 
fatigue  is  a  much  more  serious  thing  than  mere  bodily 
discomfort — that  in  extreme  fatigue  a  dangerous 
poison  is  generated  in  the  system,  which  is  even  capa- 
ble of  causing  death.  It  is  a  fluid  which  so  lowers  the 

46 


HEALTH 

tone  of  the  body  that  there  is  a  general  depression 
which  seems  almost  to  invite  disease. 

There  are  two  other  dangers  to  be  considered 
with  fatigue  and  overwork — immediate  threatening 
of  the  supply  of  plus-health;  for  upon  it  the  ex- 
hausted body  must  at  once  draw,  and  soon  the  pre- 
cious bank  of  safety  is  empty;  and  also  the  craving 
for  stimulant  which  is  the  sure  result  of  brain  and 
body  fag.  "  I  must  sleep  "  is  soon  followed  by  a 
sedative  of  one  kind  or  another,  harmless,  perhaps, 
if  taken  once  or  twice,  but  fatal  if  it  becomes  habitual. 
Then  in  the  daytime,  when  work  looms  up  which 
must  be  done  at  any  cost,  there  is  the  cry  for  more, 
something,  anything  to  prick  on  the  exhausted 
/acuities.  Plus-health  is  a  safeguard  against  the 
temptation  which  is  sure  to  assail  the  weary,  the 
inevitable  temptation  to  take  sedatives. 

Some  of  nature's  signals  of  overwork  are  irrita- 
bility, sleeplessness,  sense  of  exhaustion  and  lack  of 
initiative.  After  a  while  these  symptoms  are  fol- 
lowed by  loss  of  color,  lack  of  appetite,  and  inability 
to  concentrate  the  mind.  Worry,  often  the  first  re- 
sult of  exhaustion,  is  also  a  sign  of  mental  fatigue, 
and  with  it  comes  a  strange  inability  to  bear  even 
the  usual  cares  of  the  day.  It  pays  to  recognize  the 
signs  of  overwork  at  once,  for  by  reconstructing  one's 

47 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

life  while  there  is  yet  time  the  catastrophe  of  a  total 
wreck  of  health  may  be  averted. 

An  interesting  woman,  who  has  accomplished 
much  in  a  long  and  useful  life,  once  told  me  that  to 
get  the  most  out  of  every  twenty- four  hours,  and  to 
do  one's  best  work,  the  day  must  be  divided  into  three 
periods  of  eight  hours  each.  Eight  hours  for  sleep, 
eight  hours  for  work,  and  eight  hours  for  refresh- 
ment of  one  kind  or  another,  bathing,  dressing,  eat- 
ing, and  relaxation  outside  the  home. 

Less  sleep,  more  work,  and  no  relaxation  result 
in  a  fatal  product :  the  insensate  drudge  no  woman 
is  called  upon  to  be  in  this  enlightened  age.  More 
pleasure,  more  sleep,  and  no  work,  and  we  have  also 
a  fatal  product :  woman  incapable,  through  selfishness 
and  idleness,  of  contributing  anything  vital  to  the 
generation  that  is  to  follow  her  and  for  whose  prog- 
ress she  is  responsible.  It  seems,  for  our  best  de- 
velopment, that  we  need  the  three,  divided  equally — 
sleep,  work,  and  relaxation — that  so  divided  they 
produce  the  atmosphere  of  balance,  of  well-adjusted 
power  and  energy  that  woman  needs  in  which  to  do 
her  best  work. 

Wholesome  food,  early  hours,  a  comfortable, 
nerve- relaxing,  protected  life  is  the  best  for  the 
mother.  Any  form  of  living  that  trespasses  upon  her 
health  must  be  foregone,  for  as  soon  as  health  begins 

48 


HEALTH 

to  fail,  good  humor  quickly  follows — how  quickly 
we  do  not  like  to  ask.  A  few  nervous  headaches,  a 
week  or  so  of  indigestion  and  backache,  and  where  is 
the  rosy,  comfortable  little  mother?  Gone,  quite 
gone.  And  what  is  more  she  will  never  come  back 
unless  she  is  willing  to  fight  one  of  the  hardest 
battles  we  know  of — that  of  endeavoring  to  regain 
the  perfect  health  lost  by  abuse.  Without  health, 
without  good  humor,  the  mother's  path  is  hard  in- 
deed to  tread.  If  she  will  but  realize  it  in  time ! 

Now  in  order  to  get,  the  mother  who  gives  must 
be  wise  enough  to  maintain  a  certain  privacy  of 
mind,  to  reserve  a  little  time  each  day,  and  to  give 
herself  stimulating  relaxation  once  in  a  while;  not 
selfishly,  but  that  she  may  have  a  better  quality  of 
love  to  give  as  time  goes  on.  She  must  provide  the 
oil  if  the  lamp  she  holds  is  to  light  the  world.  A 
wise  thing  at  the  beginning  of  every  day  is  for  the 
busy  mother  to  say,  "  Which  shall  be  my  hour  of 
rest  to-day?" 

The  keeping  of  this  hour — this  personal  hour — 
is  not  selfish ;  quite  the  reverse,  for  by  keeping  it  she 
is  enabled  to  give  more.  Without  systematically 
conserving  strength  this  can  not  be  done.  Sooner  or 
later  there  will  be  a  nervous  breakdown,  then  courage 
and  good  humor  are  lost,  perhaps  forever. 

There  is  far  too  little  concern  shown  for  the 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

average  mother.  Indeed  there  would  be  better  chil- 
dren and  happier  homes  if  mothers  insisted  more 
often  upon  their  independence  (if  they  can  get  it  in 
no  other  way),  upon  a  little  time  for  quiet  thought 
each  day,  and  upon  a  certain  amount  of  fun. 
Mothers  need  fun,  and  too  often  they  get  absolutely 
none  of  it  from  one  year's  end  to  the  other. 

But  how  can  we  get  the  time  ?  you  say.  System, 
system ;  it  is  the  only  way.  If  men  ran  their  business 
as  many  women  run  the  home,  would  not  utter 
chaos  result?  System  is  the  greatest  time-conserver 
known.  Men  realize  this,  and  everything  in  the 
business-house  is  systematized  to  the  smallest  de- 
tail. Can  not  we  mothers  do  the  same?  A  written 
list  of  the  day's  duties  is  the  greatest  help,  and  has 
saved  me  more  hours  than  I  can  estimate  for  per- 
sonal work.  System  and  electricity  are  two  of 
woman's  greatest  time-savers;  by  use  of  them  she 
can  accomplish  wonders! 

There  may  be  mothers  whose  cares  assume  such 
proportions  that  the  thought  of  rest  is  out  of  the 
question,  though  I  very  much  doubt  if  by  rearrange- 
ment and  reorganization  it  will  not  be  found  possible 
to  secure  a  quiet  hour.  Though  "  Drudgery  is  the 
gray  angel  of  success,"  we  must  not  allow  ourselves 
to  forget  the  shining  features  of  success,  our  ultimate 
end,  even  while  wearing  the  gray  garments ;  and  no 

50 


HEALTH 

course  of  living  that  dooms  one  to  the  gray  garments 
forever  can  be  just. 

If  you  feel  that  your  life  is  a  failure  and  that  you 
have  not  done  all  that  you  might  with  your  oppor- 
tunities remember  that  "  we  learn  wisdom  from  fail- 
ure much  more  than  from  success;  often  discover 
what  will  do  from  what  will  not  do,  and  probably 
he  who  never  made  a  mistake  never  made  a  dis- 
covery. The  blue  of  heaven  is  larger  than  the 
cloud,"  and  the  gray  garments  only  hide  for  a  short 
time  the  royal  crimson  of  success. 


NURSERY  DAYS— SPIRITUAL 

"We  mothers  are  sowing  seed.  It  is  a  seed  so  precious 
that  even  if  much  is  blown  in  the  wind  and  falls  on  what  seem 
to  our  dim  eyes  but  rocky  places,  yet  if  but  one  seed  germinates 
we  can  glorify  God." 

— ANNIE  WINSOR  ALLEN. 

EVERY  one  who  plants  a  garden  and  who  loves 
and  studies  flowers  knows  that  before  her  ardent 
dreams  of  flaunting  white  and  scarlet  petals  can 
come  true,  she  must  give  days  of  anxious  considera- 
tion to  the  question  of  the  soil;  that  the  plain  unin- 
teresting brown  soil,  rightly  understood,  is  the 
medium  which  brings  her  hopes  most  quickly  to 
their  realization. 

The  garden,  in  its  symbolic  waiting,  seems  in 
my  eyes  to  be  a  perfect  picture  of  the  little  child. 
What  shall  be  strewn  upon  its  eager,  quickening  sur- 
face? The  most  venturesome  parent  must  ask  this 
question  with  at  least  some  little  trembling  and  self- 
distrust.  Of  one  thing  we  are  sure,  there  can  be 
no  flowers  of  strength,  of  beauty,  of  character,  unless 
the  soil  is  first  prepared,  and,  following  the  same 
law,  what  the  child  becomes,  is  dependent  upon  the 

52 


NURSERY  DAYS— SPIRITUAL 

nursery  days,  upon  the  strength  or  weakness  of  his 
beginning. 

And  does  this  miracle  of  giving  and  receiving 
actually  take  place  in  the  nursery?  Do  the  strong 
graces  of  the  soul  sift  through  the  mother's  hand 
down  into  the  child's  dark,  empty  little  heart,  sim- 
ply, uneventfully,  with  no  blowing  of  celestial  trum- 
pets ?  Even  so  it  is ;  in  quite  an  humble  way  is  the 
child's  heart  prepared  by  example,  by  love,  and  by 
a  thousand  little  daily  lessons,  until  the  seed  which 
is  to  be  immortal  begins  to  show  that  it  is  firmly 
rooted,  and  the  child  definitely  takes  his  place  in 
God's  garden  as  one  of  His  own. 

It  is  only  when  we  get  to  be  middle-aged  that 
we  appreciate  what  the  planting  of  the  seed  of 
character  is.  When  it  is  possible  for  us  to  look 
back  with  the  perspective  of  distance,  we  realize 
that  that  which  we  have  hitherto  vaguely  called 
"  instinctive  "  knowledge  of  right  and  wrong,  "  in- 
stinctive "  beliefs,  "  instinctive  "  ideals,  are  nothing 
more  or  less  than  the  fast  rooting  in  our  own  natures 
of  the  simple  early  seed. 

"  High  principles "  (a  somewhat  vague  name 
which  we  use  for  a  kind  of  collection  of  spiritual 
qualities),  is  nothing  more  or  less  than  an  invisible 
gauge,  an  inner  standard,  gained  by  every  child 
through  imitation,  and  by  which  he  learns  to  guide 

53 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

his  daily  life.  High  principle  and  the  "  instinctive  " 
qualities  are  the  result  of  the  seed  planted  in  our 
half-awakened,  primitive  little  beings  by  our  parents' 
hands. 

One  of  the  strange  things  about  it  all  is  that  we 
who  have  charge  of  little  children  can  not  help 
planting  the  seed.  Even  if  we  say,  "  I  will  not 
prejudice  my  baby,  he  must  grow  up  to  be  himself," 
nevertheless  the  very  effort  made  not  to  influence  has 
its  effect,  and  by  the  mere  daily  interchange  of  little 
words  spoken  about  little  things,  howsoever  guarded 
from  extremes,  we  do  influence,  and  in  the  end  we 
do  plant  the  seed. 

Now,  admitting  that  by  the  mere  act  of  living 
the  seed  is  planted  whether  we  will  or  no,  is  not  it 
best  to  choose  the  seed,  to  plant  it  at  the  right  time, 
to  weed  when  weeding  is  necessary,  to  direct  the 
growing  plants,  using  the  same  forethought  that  we 
use  in  lesser  things? 

If  we  wish  to  have  poppies  or  pansies  or  daisies 
in  our  garden  we  do  not  sit  down  and  say,  "  I  wish 
I  had  poppies  and  pansies  and  daisies  in  my  garden." 
Instead  we  go  busily  about  procuring  the  best  seed ; 
we  then  plant  with  the  greatest  care,  and,  watching 
day  by  day,  use  every  modern  device  to  bring  them 
in  safety  to  their  full  awakening. 

So  it  is  with  the  children.     If  we  want  their 

54 


NURSERY  DAYS— SPIRITUAL 

little  faces  to  shine  with  the  sweet  candor  of  the 
pansy,  if  we  wish  to  find  in  them  the  gentle  daisy-like 
grace  of  simplicity  and  the  scarlet  poppies  of  moral 
force,  we  must  not  sit  down  and  say,  "  I  wish  my 
child  to  be  true  and  sweet  and  strong,"  but  rather 
we  must  get  up  and  work  and  think  and  plant  the 
seed — there  is  no  other  way. 

He  who  loves  the  soil  knows  that  the  time  to 
plant  is  early.  Nothing  is  more  fatal  to  success  than 
to  wait.  We  can  begin  almost  when  the  garden  is 
still  in  its  long  white  robes  of  infancy,  by  protecting 
the  seedlings  until  they  are  able  to  be  set  out.  With 
character  it  is  the  same.  The  time  to  begin  is  when 
the  child  first  stretches  out  his  hand  with  volition — 
not  after  he  is  spoiled — and  this,  you  know,  is  very, 
very  soon. 

In  the  garden  we  also  choose  the  time.  We  do 
not  try  to  plant  when  the  earth  lies  angry  in  the 
noonday  heat,  or  dry  for  want  of  rain,  but  rather 
in  the  evening  when  the  dew  is  freshly  fallen  and 
everything  at  peace.  Then  it  is  that  we  dig  the  warm, 
moist  little  furrow  and  drop  in  the  seeds.  Once 
they  are  tucked  up,  we  wait  in  faith. 

It  is  the  same  in  the  garden  of  character.  There 
is  no  use  in  trying  to  plant  the  seeds  of  any  new  idea 
in  the  heart  of  a  child  who  is  bent  upon  furthering 
some  different  thought,  or  at  a  time  when  he  is  tired 

55 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

or  hungry  or  hurt.  These  occasions,  too  often 
chosen  by  mothers  for  their  little  lectures,  are  worse 
than  unpropitious — they  are  fatal. 

Half  of  our  success  in  this  battle  for  results  lies 
in  the  wisdom  we  have  of  choosing  when  to  plant  the 
seed. 

A  few  gentle  serious  words  at  bed-time,  or  when 
for  one  reason  or  another  there  seems  to  be  a  sudden 
nearing  of  the  child  to  us — these  with  the  parents' 
own  actions  and  example  are  the  furrow  and  the  seed. 

Of  course  we  all  have  some  failures  and  many 
disappointments,  but  I  believe  that  there  are  certain 
fundamental  traits  of  character,  which,  if  shown 
to  a  child  every  day  that  he  lives,  through  the  medium 
of  example,  are  gained  by  him  almost  without  effort, 
and  without  a  possibility  of  failure. 

The  old  idea  of  inherited  evil  is  breaking  down 
before  the  more  sane  and  hopeful  one  of  overcoming 
evil  by  environment ;  and  as  in  disease,  we  can  often 
overcome  and  defeat  it  by  simple  precaution,  so  we 
can  watch  in  the  little  garden-plot  of  character,  fore- 
fend  the  child  at  the  start,  arm  him  for  his  particular 
place  in  the  battle  of  life,  and  plant  good  seed  before 
he  knows  that  he  has  come  to  the  fight  innocently 
handicapped. 

We  must  not  forget  that  it  is  upon  the  ideals 
set  up  in  his  heart  in  the  nursery — not  in  school  or 

56 


NURSERY  DAYS— SPIRITUAL 

in  business — that  the  child  begins  to  sound  his  par- 
ticular variation  upon  the  family  theme.  These 
early  ideals  become  the  invisible  foundation  of  his 
character,  and  according  to  their  strength  and  per- 
manence does  his  life-structure  eventually  rise  or  fall. 

Later,  if  the  seed  has  become  rooted  within  him, 
below  the  frills  and  trimmings  of  his  particular  in- 
dividuality, lie  the  solid  planks  of  worth,  the  so-called 
"  instinctive  "  qualities,  fastened  forever  in  his  deep 
and  secret  self.  Thus  planted  they  outlive  Time  itself, 
for  they  share  with  him  the  immortality  of  his  soul. 

Sofia  in  the  "  Old  Wives'  Tale  "  illustrates  this 
thought  when  she  defies  Gerald  Scales's  proposition 
to  go  to  Paris  together  on  the  eve  of  their  marriage. 
Young,  inexperienced,  foolishly  in  love  as  she  is,  she 
has  the  invisible  but  certain  standard  of  high  prin- 
ciple back  in  her  mind  and  she  can  not  defy  it.  This 
"  fragile  slip  of  the  Baines  stock  unconsciously  draw- 
ing upon  the  accumulated  strength  of  generations  of 
honest  living  had  put  a  defeat  upon  him."  One  whit 
less  of  honesty  from  the  parents  and  grandparents 
and  Sofia  must  surely  have  fallen. 

What  are  a  few  of  the  essential  seeds,  without 
which  the  garden  is  a  poor  and  flimsy  thing?  There 
are  some  which  it  is  hard  to  do  without,  among  them 
are  the  seeds  of  loyalty,  of  unselfishness,  of  cheer- 
fulness, and  of  curiosity. 

57 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Loyalty  in  friendship,  loyalty  in  home-life,  loy- 
alty in  school,  these  seeds  are  handed  to  a  child 
through  example  and  by  a  thousand  daily  lessons. 
He  is  trained  to  know  truth  almost  at  the  beginning 
— not  by  being  punished  if  he  errs,  but  by  seeing 
truth  around  him,  expressed  every  day  and  hour  in 
his  parents'  lives. 

There  is  only  one  way  to  plant  the  seed  of  truth — 
be  truthful.  Never  make  one  promise,  however 
tiny,  that  is  not  promptly,  gladly  fulfilled.  How  can 
a  child  grow  the  seed  of  truth  within  him  if  it  is  not 
first  planted,  if  from  the  beginning  he  is  fooled, 
deceived,  and  made  the  unhappy  victim  of  false 
promises?  A  child  learns  only  too  quickly  to  take 
the  crooked  way  himself. 

Loyalty  and  truth  are  basic  traits,  they  are  among 
the  few  absolutely  necessary  fundamental  traits  of 
character,  and  no  trouble  is  too  great  to  try  to 
plant  them.  Without  them  there  is  nothing  to  de- 
pend upon,  no  solid  base  on  which  to  plant  and  de- 
velop. They  are  the  pins,  as  it  were,  which  hold 
together  the  whole  fabric  of  character.  The  child 
who  learns  "  instinctively  "  to  be  loyal  to  his  friend, 
true  to  his  parents,  to  himself  as  a  child,  will  grow 
up  to  show  the  same  traits  to  his  wife  and  in  his 
work  as  a  matter  of  course.  He  will  be — oh  blessed 
word — trust-worthy. 

58 


NURSERY  DAYS— SPIRITUAL 

One  of  the  best  ways  of  teaching  the  practical 
aspect  of  truth  to  a  child  is  to  impress  upon  him 
from  babyhood  that  truth  is  a  conscientious  adhering 
to  facts.  Truth  can  not  lend  itself  to  evasion  or 
subterfuge.  Truth  is  not  pliable.  Children,  though 
we  may  not  believe  it,  are  eminently  practical;  they 
will  see  and  understand  this  principle  readily. 

Such  lessons,  it  is  needless  to  say,  must  be 
founded  upon  example  or  they  will  have  no  result. 
Words  count  for  little  when  it  comes  to  training 
the  moral  output  of  an  intelligent  child.  How  can 
a  child  be  expected  to  have  any  regard  for  truth,  or 
any  real  conception  of  truth,  if  the  mother  who 
expounds  it  to  him  is  herself  living  in  a  net- work  and 
tissue  of  evasion? 

Perhaps  this  may  sound  too  crude,  too  stern;  is 
not  some  little  leeway  to  be  allowed  the  mother  in  the 
complexity  and  difficulty  of  her  life?  I  believe  not, 
in  regard  to  fundamentals.  And  truth  is  a  funda- 
mental. After  all,  put  it  quite  practically :  can  a  child 
possibly  comprehend  truth  if  he  sees  and  hears  un- 
truth in  the  every-day  life  around  him,  particularly 
if  he  sees  it  in  his  own  mother,  and  hears  it  from  her 
lips? 

Untruth  fulness  may  be  due  to  either  cowardice, 
example,  or  inheritance.  The  foundation-time  is 
the  time  to  look  for  all  these  possibilities.  Love  will 

59 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

go  a  long  way  toward  counteracting  natural  coward- 
ice ;  true  love  and  true  sympathy  between  a  mother 
and  her  child  make  a  lie  impossible,  or  very  nearly  so. 
Example  will  also  do  a  great  deal  toward  counteract- 
ing inheritance.  A  scrupulous  example  of  absolute 
adherence  to  facts,  and  absolute  truth  in  every  action 
— this,  when  held  up  to  the  child  in  the  lives  of  his 
parents,  should  help  him  as  nothing  else  will  to  be 
a  noble  and  honorable  man. 

By  the  seed  of  unselfishness  I  do  not  mean  a 
blind  giving  up,  but  that  most  difficult  thing  to  culti- 
vate— sense  of  proportion.  This  seed  is  one,  which, 
if  it  can  be  made  to  grow,  soon  wins  a  place  for  the 
child  forever  in  the  great  heart  of  the  world.  Par- 
ticularly in  America  where  so  much  is  done  for  the 
child,  he  soon  forgets  that  he  is  really  not  the  center 
of  the  universe  at  all,  but  only  a  very  small  cog  in 
the  great  wheel. 

Arnold  Bennett  describes  the  attitude  of  the 
American  child  toward  the  older  generation  as  "  an 
astonishing,  amusing,  exquisite,  incomprehensible 
mixture  of  effective  admiration,  trust,  and  rather 
casual  tolerating  scorn."  Is  this  the  way  our  chil- 
dren appear  to  visitors  beyond  the  sea  ? 

The  seed  of  unselfishness,  unlike  that  of  truth, 
is  planted  more  by  training  than  by  example.  With 
a  little  thought  it  will  be  found  that  the  child  can 


NURSERY  DAYS— SPIRITUAL 

very  readily  be  taught  to  respect  the  belongings  of 
his  playmates,  to  rise  when  elders  enter  the  room,  to 
be  silent  when  other  people  are  talking,  to  give  place 
in  his  games  occasionally  to  the  wishes  of  others,  to 
change  the  eternal  "I,  I,  I  "  to  a  more  subdued 
"you,  they,  we." 

Is  it  not  also  true  that  we  mothers  sit  and  admire 
too  often  when  our  better  part  would  be  to  check, 
to  guide,  to  suggest  an  occasional  pianissimo  rather 
than  the  eternal  enthusiastic  forte  of  self-interest? 

The  child  has  a  distinct  place  in  the  world,  and 
the  sooner  he  is  shown  how  very  small  a  place  it  is, 
the  better.  Unselfishness,  sense  of  proportion,  will- 
ingness to  stand  aside  and  let  the  other  child  have  a 
turn  once  in  a  while,  respect  to  others;  these  seeds 
are  planted  only  by  earnest  effort,  but  they  pay. 

If  they  are  not  planted  there  are  many  knocks 
ahead,  for  the  world  does  not  stop  to  consider  when  it 
deals  out  the  hard  lessons  kept  for  the  egoist  out- 
side his  home;  a  final  effort,  as  it  were,  on  nature's 
part  to  "  get  him  into  shape,"  and  the  lessons  are 
the  harder  because  they  come  upon  a  totally  unpre- 
pared mind.  But  come  they  must  to  every  human 
soul  some  time  or  another.  Happy  is  he  to  whom 
they  come  in  the  privacy  of  his  home  and  at  his 
mother's  hand. 

"  I "  in  right  proportion  to  "  you  "  is  a  lesson 

61 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

to  be  learned  in  the  nursery  days.  It  is  at  the  very 
foundation  of  moral  progress.  When  a  child  once 
sees  his  own  magnitude  in  proportion  to  the  magni- 
tude of  others,  he  will  begin  to  be  tolerant,  he  will 
begin  to  really  be.  While  blaming  the  intolerant 
child,  do  not  forget  that  it  is  his  mother  who  too 
often  closes  his  eyes  to  this  revelation  of  proportion 
by  her  own  immoderate  kisses  before  the  little  god 
of  Self. 

Perhaps  you  will  wonder  what  I  mean  by  the 
seed  of  curiosity — I  mean  that  seed  which  of  all 
others  is  the  most  productive  of  useful  activity  and 
spiritual  growth.  I  mean  the  desire  to  know.  "  One 
of  the  chief  aims  of  education  should  be  to  stimulate 
the  great  virtue  of  curiosity,"  and  I  believe  that  in 
home-education  this  fact  is  too  often  overlooked. 

It  is  the  very  core  and  essence  of  childhood  to 
ask,  ask,  ask — according  to  the  answers  received  is 
the  "  virtue  of  curiosity  "  stimulated,  trained,  satis- 
fied, encouraged  toward  noble  ends;  or  blocked  off, 
perverted,  and  made  to  take  its  course  under-ground 
— for  run  it  must — where  it  is  likely  to  do  more  harm 
than  can  easily  be  guessed. 

There  will  be  very  little  vulgar  curiosity  shown 
by  children  whose  natural  curiosity  is  stimulated  and 
satisfied  by  a  wise  parent's  truthful  answers.  By 
such  answers  the  little  child  climbs  safely  toward 


NURSERY  DAYS— SPIRITUAL 

some  of  the  most  beautiful  experiences  of  life. 
Knowledge  of  books,  history,  people,  nature,  things 
both  little  and  big,  can  be  fed  out  to  him  as  his 
growing  curiosity  prompts. 

To  want  to  know  is  the  very  yeast  of  life.  Inani- 
tion, stupid  acceptance  of  a  narrow  lot,  lack  of  inves- 
tigative qualities  put  so  narrow  a  fence  around  per- 
sonality that  they  are  to  be  fought  against  from  the 
very  moment  the  child  begins  to  be. 

Encourage  questions,  be  brave  and  meet  them 
face  to  face.  Stimulate  curiosity,  try  to  awaken  en- 
thusiasm and  interest  at  every  turn,  and  remember 
that  the  more  life  and  vitality  there  is  in  a  child 
the  better  man  will  he  make  in  the  end. 

Faithfulness  in  little  things  and  cheerfulness  are 
also  seeds  that  beautify  life.  They  are  well  worth 
the  pains  of  cultivation  in  the  nursery  days. 

The  child  may  be  trained  very  early  in  his  life 
to  be  faithful;  if  he  is  given  a  little  task,  to  do  it 
thoroughly,  and  later  on,  to  perform  his  duties  what- 
ever they  may  be,  whether  at  home  or  in  school,  thor- 
oughly. Faithfulness  is  after  all  a  priceless  trait! 
It  may  begin  only  with  a  well-done  task,  but  it  will 
end  in  a  great  spiritual  field  of  active,  faithful  work. 
Of  how  few  people  can  one  use  the  word  "  stead- 
fast," yet  what  a  pillar  in  the  usual  shifting  sands 
of  character  and  irresolution  such  a  quality  is ! ' 

63 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Begin  at  the  very  beginning  of  the  child's  life — 
teach  him  to  be  faithful  to  his  daily  tasks,  however 
unimportant  they  may  seem ;  faithful  at  school,  faith- 
ful in  his  prayers,  faithful  to  his  promised  word,  his 
friends,  his  work,  faithful  in  whatever  is  demanded 
of  him;  trusting  that  out  of  this  humble  faithfulness 
in  what  is  small,  will  develop  as  a  perfect  bud  upon 
a  strong  green  stem,  the  spiritual  and  immortal  faith- 
fulness of  his  higher  life. 

Cheerfulness  is  somewhat  temperamental,  and 
for  this  reason  difficult  to  cultivate.  But  at  least 
we  can  and  should  insist  that  the  children  do  not 
exhibit  its  opposite — ugly  frowns  and  a  complaining 
voice.  Nothing  is  more  beautiful  or  helpful  than 
the  innate  cheerfulness  which  bubbles  spontaneously 
out  of  a  happy  child's  nature.  If  only  every  child 
might  have  it!  But  even  if  cheerfulness  is  not 
always  spontaneous  there  is  a  possibility  of  imitating 
it,  and  the  unselfishness  of  the  attempt  will  be  found 
of  great  good  in  itself. 

Begin  as  soon  as  the  child  can  speak  and  teach 
him  not  to  complain.  There  is  so  much  in  making 
it  a  matter  of  habit  to  be  cheerful,  bright,  and  affec- 
tionate. "  Like  begets  like,"  says  the  old  adage, 
and  a  cheerful  mother  who  sings  about  her  work  and 
refuses  to  despond  when  things  go  wrong  will  very 
soon  shame  a  child  out  of  his  complaining.  Have  it 

64 


NURSERY  DAYS— SPIRITUAL 

one  of  the  few  rules  of  the  home  that  there  are  to 
be  no  complaints.  The  children  will  thank  you 
for  it  in  the  end. 

As  I  write  of  such  noble  qualities  as  faithfulness, 
cheerfulness,  and  truth  I  realize  as  only  a  mother 
can,  how  difficult  and  often  how  heart-breaking  the 
task  of  child- training  is.  We  long  to  see  our  children 
perfect  in  themselves  each  noble  gift — we  are  met 
at  every  turn  by  disappointment  and  difficulty. 
Heredity  often  steps  in  and  waves  a  danger  signal, 
ill-health  in  the  child  stands  in  front  of  us  and 
arrests  our  efforts,  or  nervous  exhaustion  and  over- 
work make  it  impossible  for  us  to  do  our  best.  In 
one  way  or  another  conditions  of  the  past  or  present 
combine  to  make  the  results  we  long  to  gain  difficult 
and  sometimes  impossible. 

But  we  must  remember,  in  spite  of  all  manner  of 
discouragement  that  if  we  begin  early  and  are  our- 
selves faithful,  cheerful  and  true  we  may  be  sure 
of  at  least  a  measure  of  success.  Realize  the  im- 
portance of  trifles,  for  out  of  trifles  do  we  build  our 
work.  Habits  the  children  must  have — shall  we 
allow  them  to  make  their  habits  good  or  bad  ?  For, 
hard  as  it  is  to  admit,  the  matter  does  lie  greatly  in 
our  own  hands. 

Remember,  then,  in  childhood  nature  is  plastic — 
new  clay,  waiting  to  be  formed.  To  form  it  nobly 

5  65 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

is  the  first  great  and  all-important  task  of  mother- 
hood. Upon  our  success  depends  the  power  of  the 
next  generation,  our  hand  writes  to-day  the  history 
and  future  of  the  race. 

But,  no  matter  how  great  may  be  our  striving 
in  our  child's  behalf,  he  must  do  the  essential  work 
of  character-building  himself.  I,  his  mother,  can 
only  show  him  the  way  and  make  his  work  easier 
by  my  experience,  wisdom,  and  common  sense.  All 
that  the  child  really  gains  he  must  gain  for  and  by 
himself.  This  is  one  of  the  mysteries  of  individual 
life.  The  untold  treasures  of  the  world,  and  the 
eternal  beauties  of  character  are  the  rewards  only 
of  those  who  seek  them  out.  They  can  not  be  be- 
stowed. Though  you  may  agonize  in  love  over 
a  faulty  child,  it  is  he  who  must  awaken,  or  nothing 
will  be  gained.  Children  must  build  their  own  char- 
acters, and  for  the  most  part  with  but  little  assist- 
ance. You  remember  in  the  story  of  the  Prodigal 
Son,  how  nothing  could  be  done  for  him  until  he 
said  of  his  own  accord,  "  I  will  arise/'  From  that 
moment  all  things  were  possible. 

A  serious  fault  we  often  make  in  planning  our 
living  garden  is  the  fault  of  trying  to  do  too  much. 
We  are  over-anxious  for  success,  we  crowd  in  too 
many  accomplishments,  we  insist  upon  certain  popu- 
lar studies  even  at  the  cost  of  nerves  and  health. 


NURSERY  DAYS— SPIRITUAL 

"  There  is  but  one  art — to  omit/'  says  Stevenson. 
"  Oh,  if  I  knew  how  to  omit,  I  would  ask  no  other 
knowledge ! " 

Omission,  if  rightly  understood,  would  save 
many  a  child's  life.  In  discipline,  also,  omit  the  nag- 
ging reproach;  don't  say  cross  words;  leave  threat 
and  worn-out  rebuke.  Avoid  conflict — by  what  we 
don't  say  we  often  gain  untold  influence.  Cross 
words  destroy  discipline,  nagging  words  poison  love. 
Unnatural  excitement  interferes  with  normal  play; 
so-called  accomplishments  often  eat  up  health.  Just 
look  over  your  little  garden  and  see  what  can  be 
omitted  with  results  that  pay. 

And  we  must  have  faith  in  the  future.  We  must 
plan  for  to-morrow.  Every  stroke  of  work  done  in 
the  garden  must  be  done  for  the  future,  filling  a  far- 
away ideal.  The  best  thing  we  can  do  for  the  chil- 
dren is  to  fit  them  for  to-morrow.  If  solid,  honest 
strength  goes  in  the  work  of  every  day  the  future 
will  surely  profit. 

We  must  cultivate  patience  to  wait  for  individual 
development,  and  faith  that  the  seeds  planted  in  the 
nursery  days  will  germinate,  however  slowly;  some 
plants  take  years  to  grow,  some  are  a  mass  of  bloom 
before  they  are  well  up.  The  gardener  knows  his 
plants  and  waits. 

67 


VI 
NURSERY  DAYS— PHYSICAL 

"Ah!  what  would  the  world  be  to  us, 

If  the  children  were  no  more? 
We  should  dread  the  desert  behind  us 
Worse  than  the  dark  before." 

—LONGFELLOW. 

"  How  many  troubles  are  with  children  born ! 
Yet  he  that  wants  them,  counts  himself  forlorn." 

— DRUMMOND  OF  HAWTHORNDEN. 

THE  soil  which  we  take  such  pains  to  have  "  just 
right  "  in  the  garden  before  the  seeds  are  sown  has  its 
counterpart  in  the  living  garden.  Health  is  to  the 
child  what  soil  is  to  the  flowers.  Give  the  child  health 
first,  then  plant  the  white  seeds  of  spiritual  beauty. 
His  life  will  have  only  half  the  struggle  and  battle 
if  he  is  helped  to  be  normal,  and  if  he  can  have,  or 
perhaps  I  might  say,  if  he  is  allowed  to  have  the 
point  of  view  of  health. 

It  is  very  interesting  to  see  the  change  that  has 
taken  place  in  the  world's  thought  about  medicine. 
It  seems  almost  as  if  we  were  attaining  in  our  youth 
to  the  wisdom  of  the  Chinese  who  pay  their  doctors 
by  the  year  to  keep  them  well,  stopping  the  comfort- 


NURSERY  DAYS— PHYSICAL 

able  little  salary  immediately  there  is  an  illness  in 
the  family. 

After  all,  does  not  this  seem  a  rather  clever  way 
of  doing,  and  one  which  we  might  well  imitate  ?  The 
doctor  who  is  paid  only  when  his  people  are  well,  is 
going  to  spend  a  good  deal  of  his  intelligence  in 
keeping  them  so. 

In  the  working  out  of  such  an  idea  as  this  lies  the 
beginning  of  what  we  now  call  preventive  medicine. 
It  is  to  this  new  science  that  we  are  looking  to-day, 
believing  that  it  will  solve  many  of  our  problems  and 
make  life  for  us  and  for  our  children  easier  than  it 
has  ever  been  before. 

The  other  day  a  capable  young  mother  opened 
the  door  of  a  cabinet  which  had  been  provided  for 
the  nursery  by  a  thoughtful  grandmother,  and 
showed  a  line  of  empty  shelves.  The  bottom  one  only 
was  filled.  On  it  stood  a  few  throat  atomizers,  a 
tiny  box  of  pills,  a  bottle  of  castor-oil,  and  a  few 
different  kinds  of  antiseptic  tablets  for  the  prepara- 
tion of  lotions  and  gargles. 

"  These,"  she  said,  "  are  all  I  have  used  in  bring- 
ing my  children  through  the  little  aches  and  pains 
of  childhood.  I  would  not  give  them  medicine  for 
the  world." 

Indeed,  are  we  getting  further  and  further  away 
from  the  old-time  medicine-chest  with  its  heavy 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

cough  syrups,  its  fever  drops,  its  indigestible  tonics, 
its  unwholesome  "  lozengers." 

The  principle  upon  which  we  work  if  we  believe 
in  preventive  medicine  is  this:  instead  of  drugging 
the  child  after  he  is  ill,  we  so  watch  and  guard  every 
department  of  his  bodily  health  that  he  does  not  be- 
come ill.  Let  me  give  a  few  practical  examples  of 
what  I  mean. 

We  know  that  almost  every  disease  reaches  a 
child  through  his  throat  or  nose.  The  cry  of  pre- 
ventive medicine  is:  look  down  the  child's  throat 
every  day,  see  that  it  never  becomes  inflamed  and 
thus  is  made  a  breeding  spot  for  disease.  Spray  it 
several  times  a  week  to  kill  all  lurking  germs,  and 
at  the  first  suspicion  of  serious  trouble  involving 
throat,  nose,  or  digestion,  put  the  child  to  bed  and 
call  in  the  physician,  so  that  if  possible  the  danger 
may  be  averted  and  perhaps  carried  off  entirely  by 
some  simple  external  application  or  little  course  of 
calomel.  A  preventive  day  in  bed  has  often  been 
known  to  act  as  a  miraculous  cure  to  a  child  "  stuffed 
up  "  and  threatened  with  a  heavy  cold. 

Then  there  is  the  digestion.  Preventive  medicine 
has  here  a  great  work  to  do.  It  teaches  us  so  to 
study  the  question  of  diet,  and  to  comprehend  with 
such  accuracy  the  delicate  construction  of  the  child's 
digestive  tract  that  there  will  not  be  a  question  of 

70 


NURSERY  DAYS— PHYSICAL 

medicine,  for  he  will  never  need  it !  The  whole  sub- 
ject of  his  digestion  will  be  controlled  by  what  he 
is  given  or  not  given  to  eat,  and  by  this  simple  natural 
method  he  will  be  prevented  from  becoming  ill.  An 
upset  stomach  in  a  child  can  almost  always  be  traced 
to  an  indiscreet  or  ignorant  mother,  or  worse  still 
to  one  who  thinks  it  "  doesn't  matter/' 

A  regular  dose  of  castor-oil,  given  once  every 
two  or  three  weeks  for  the  first  five  years  of  a  child's 
life,  as  a  matter  of  course,  will  so  cleanse  the  intes- 
tines from  any  poisonous  matter  that  may  be  collect- 
ing in  them,  that  a  "  stomach  attack  "  is  a  thing  prac- 
tically unknown — providing  of  course  that  the  diet, 
too,  is  studied.  And  is  not  this  really  far  easier  than 
to  have  a  cross,  fretful,  ailing  child  ?  After  all,  there 
is  no  need  for  any  mother  who  is  willing  to  exert  her- 
self and  accept  her  responsibilities  to  have  such  a 
child,  for  it  is  natural  that  childhood  should  be  a 
healthy,  happy  time,  and  under  the  proper  conditions 
of  care  and  love  and  understanding,  such  it  is. 

Preventive  medicine  marks  a  great  line  of  differ- 
ence in  our  whole  attitude  toward  children.  We 
who  believe  in  it  now  take  them  to  an  oculist  for 
an  examination  before  they  are  sent  to  school;  we 
no  longer  wait  until  with  failing  vision  and  swollen 
eyelids  the  child  is  suffering  and  behind  his  class  and 
the  visit  imperative. 

71 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

We  also  take  them  twice  every  year  to  a  dentist ; 
we  no  longer  wait  until  toothache  and  decay  drive 
us  there,  for  we  realize  that  the  correction  of  mal- 
formation in  the  mouth,  and  the  straightening  of 
teeth  when  necessary  are  direct  means  of  assuring 
mental  as  well  as  physical  health. 

We  have  enlarged  adenoids  removed ;  we  do  not 
wait  until  the  children  become  victimized  by  chronic 
cold,  sleeplessness,  sore  throat,  and  depression. 

We  are  only  beginning  to  realize  how  great  an 
effect  physical  things  have  upon  mental.  A  so-called 
backward  child  may  only  be  one  who  does  not  see, 
does  not  hear,  or  is  not  properly  employed  at  home, 
and  a  "  bad  "  child  is  quite  as  often  only  a  poor 
little  "  misunderstood." 

The  boy  who  can  not  keep  up  with  his  class  or 
who  can  not  concentrate  his  mind  to  study  is  often 
just  a  case  of  pure  physical  inability  to  do  the  work, 
not  enough  red  blood  in  his  body  or  brain  to  back 
up  the  necessary  mental  effort.  Nervous  children  are 
many  times  made  so  by  over-stimulating  and  under- 
feeding. 

We  realize  to-day  as  never  before  that  our  sal- 
vation does  not  lie  in  the  medicine  chest,  but  in  re- 
moving from  the  child  all  obstacles  to  his  growth. 
If  we  do  this  he  will  expand  as  nature  meant  that 
he  should,  and  there  will  be  no  need  for  drugs. 

72 


NURSERY  DAYS— PHYSICAL 

The  normal  child's  gradual  unfolding  and  de- 
velopment is  a  most  thrilling  study.  It  is  more 
often  ignorance  than  nature  that  throws  sand  in  the 
machinery  of  his  little  life  and  is  responsible  for  its 
breaking  down. 

"  An  ounce  of  prevention  is  worth  a  pound  of 
cure."  How  old  this  saying  is !  Yet  we  are  only 
just  beginning  to  wake  up  to  its  revelation  in  child- 
training  ! 

Usually  the  great  blessing  of  health  is  quite  in 
the  mother's  hands  to  give,  though  I  admit  that  there 
are  some  exceptions  to  this  rule.  A  diet  and  daily 
programme  written  out  by  a  careful  physician  and 
followed  without  deviation  will  usually  keep  the 
children  well. 

Bringing  little  children  to  the  table  and  giving 
them  food  which  has  been  selected  and  prepared  for 
older  people  is  sure  to  end  disastrously.  Give  them 
a  little  system  in  the  nursery  days — certain  hours  to 
sleep,  certain  others  for  air  and  exercise,  a  bed-time, 
regular  meal  hours!  Let  them  be  ignorant  of  what 
takes  place  in  the  world  after  sunset,  contentedly 
bounded  by  their  uneventful  little  routine.  It  is  the 
nerves  we  must  watch.  They  are  the  weak  point  of 
resistance  in  many  children,  for  the  twentieth  cen- 
tury child  is  born  with  a  predisposition  to  suffer 
from  them. 

73 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

I  heard  of  a  delightful  child  of  ten,  the  other 
day,  who  asked  her  father  if  he  was  not  afraid  of 
getting  lost  in  the  streets  at  night  when  he  went  to 
town  after  dark!  The  father,  I  am  told,  gave  her 
a  very  tight  hug  and  said  that  the  moon  and  the  stars 
shone  just  as  brightly  in  town  as  they  did  in  the 
country,  and  that  it  was  not  hard  to  get  home  when 
she  and  mother  were  there  waiting  for  him.  It  is 
needless  to  add  that  this  happy  child  was  asleep  be- 
fore the  lights  of  the  Great  White  Way  were  lit,  and 
her  ignorance  of  the  midnight  city  world  meant 
health. 

Probably  nothing  is  harder  on  a  child's  nerves 
than  to  be  "  shown  off."  Why  bother  his  anxious 
little  mind  with  rhymes  and  jingles  or  tricks?  We 
American  parents  idolize  our  children,  and,  basking 
in  the  light  of  their  accomplishments,  we  forget 
that  for  the  sake  of  our  own  momentary  gratifica- 
tion, we  run  a  great  risk  for  the  child. 

In  older  nations  the  child's  place  is  in  the  peaceful 
background  shadows  of  the  home,  and  not  upon  its 
stage. 

"  Manner  "  is  one  of  the  least  attractive  charac- 
teristics to  find  in  a  little  child.  Anything  that  de- 
velops manner  is  sure  to  bring  along  with  it  a  ner- 
vous strain.  We  do  not  always  realize  the  tension 
a  child  is  on  in  public  or  while  being  "  shown  off." 

74 


NURSERY  DAYS— PHYSICAL 

But  feel  the  hot  hand,  see  the  unnaturally  brilliant 
eyes — the  color  flooding  his  face,  particularly  if  he 
"  makes  a  mistake,"  and  you  will  understand  how 
keyed  up  and  on  edge  his  nature  is ! 

Competitive  sports,  theatricals,  parties,  and 
dancing-class  may  be  innocent  enough,  but  some- 
times they  are  made  too  elaborate  and  develop  self- 
importance,  desire  to  win,  vanity,  love  of  clothes, 
pride,  and  a  false  and  precocious  atmosphere  of 
"  society." 

The  after-effects  of  a  "  party  "  or  dancing-class 
may  often  be  acute  indigestion  or  a  sudden  "  cold." 
Indigestion,  because  the  nerves  of  the  stomach  have 
been  so  tired  and  disturbed  by  excitement  that  it  re- 
fuses to  digest  its  food,  and  "  cold,"  taken  during 
the  reaction  which  always  follows  nervous  tension. 
In  the  sudden  lowering  of  vitality  after  excitement 
children  are  particularly  susceptible  to  the  influenza 
germ,  or  "  grippe,"  as  we  call  it.  Many  germs,  in- 
deed, are  found  in  stirred-up  dust. 

It  is  lovely  to  find  self-control  and  gentle  dignity 
in  a  little  child.  The  subtle  drawing  away,  the  sweet 
flushing  of  the  cheek,  the  shy  yet  enthralled  poise 
as  of  a  bird  eager  for  the  crumb  of  knowledge,  but 
ready  to  fly  off  at  the  first  rough  word — these  natural 
graces  are  born  only  in  the  healthful  silence  of  a  pro- 
tected youth — they  are  never  seen  in  the  pert,  know- 

75 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

ing,  up-to-date  child  of  parents  who  think  only  of  the 
gratifications  of  to-day. 

Ask  yourself,  honestly,  which  is  the  more  attrac- 
tive ;  is  there  anything  less  lovely  than  to  find  a  little 
man  or  woman  of  the  world  where  we  had  looked  to 
see  a  blushing,  shrinking  child  ?  Does  it  not  pay  to 
shield  the  child  and  bring  him  up  in  a  sweet,  natural 
unconsciousness  ?  Does  it  not  pay  far  better  in  the 
long  run  than  to  drag  him  out  from  his  proper  sphere 
and  thrust  him  upon  the  world,  quite  unready  as  he 
is  for  the  glare  of  its  applause  ? 

The  less  strain  children  have  put  upon  their  imag- 
inations during  the  nursery  days  the  better,  for, 
equal  in  importance  to  laying  the  foundations  for 
physical  health,  comes  the  need  for  control  and 
supervision  of  the  nerves. 

Diseased  nerves  not  only  in  time  undermine  the 
physical  condition,  but  destroy  moral  balance,  and 
as  such  are  dangerous  enemies  to  the  child's  spiritual 
development.  Health  of  the  nervous  system  is  prob- 
ably the  best  foundation  for  to-morrow  that  a 
mother  can  give  her  child.  With  his  nerves  in  a 
healthy,  glowing,  normal  state,  his  body  will  not 
be  hard  to  reach,  and  with  both  perfect  the  child 
should  present  few  problems,  and,  blessing  above  all 
blessings,  he  is  prepared  to  meet  his  moral  and  in- 
tellectual struggles  without  handicap. 

76 


NURSERY  DAYS— PHYSICAL 

A  gentle  touch  is  all  he  will  need,  for,  with  the 
poise  and  balance  of  perfect  nervous  health,  comes 
quite  naturally  the  wish  to  do  his  best.  He  is  in  the 
condition  to  be  easily  influenced  for  right,  because  the 
normal  in  him  seeks  the  light  and  quite  as  naturally 
avoids  the  shadow. 

"  Wait  till  he  is  a  little  older !  "  This  is  the  great 
temptation  of  the  nursery  days.  Yet  every  diffi- 
culty of  temperament  and  disposition  met  and  over- 
come in  the  nursery  is  a  victory  gained  for  all  time. 
It  is  by  acting  now — not  waiting — that  the  way  is 
made  easy  for  the  child  of  whims  and  fancies  soon 
to  appear  where  once  the  helpless  baby  lay.  It  is 
hard  to  do  anything  but  love  in  the  nursery  days. 
It  is  hard  also  to  realize  that  whether  the  child  is 
"  accomplished  "  or  not  makes  very  little  difference, 
but  that  upon  his  health  hangs  all  his  future. 

The  child's  physical  balance,  as  we  have  seen, 
depends  upon  his  diet,  the  regularity  of  his  life,  early 
hours,  and  particularly  upon  all  lack  of  nerve  tension. 
Simplicity  is  the  key-note  to  health  in  childhood. 
The  more  animal  an  existence  a  child  leads  the  better 
he  will  be  in  the  end.  The  less  he  knows  before  ten, 
the  more  he  is  likely  to  know  after  ten.  Forcing  in 
childhood  is  the  very  worst  thing  that  we  can  do 
for  him. 

A  good  guide  in  the  nursery  days  is  the  question : 
77 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

What  really  counts  for  the  child  in  the  future,  what 
shall  we  accent  that  he  in  his  maturity  may  profit, 
what  ignore?  It  is  good  to  get  into  the  habit  of 
thinking  of  to-day  in  relation  to  to-morrow,  of  think- 
ing of  the  future,  influenced  and  dedicated  through 
to-day.  Such  thought  is  to  make  provision  in  faith 
for  the  time  ahead,  for  the  future  years  in  which  shall 
be  determined  the  child's  worth  to  his  generation. 

What  are  the  things  that  really  count?  I  place 
them  thus :  A  healthy  body,  a  good  education,  care- 
fully-chosen friends,  wholesome  food,  spiritual  train- 
ing through  daily  example,  and  the  steady  develop- 
ment of  a  healthy,  courageous  self-dependence. 

To  secure  these  advantages  the  parents  will  need 
quick  judgment.  They  must  be  personally  stimulat- 
ing and  brave  enough  to  say  "  no  "  to  many  of  the 
glittering,  tempting  things  of  to-day,  things  which 
have  no  future  but  ashes  and  disappointment. 

Unhealthy  amusements,  over-excitement,  ready- 
made  foods,  being  waited  on,  companionship  with 
boys  and  girls  whose  parents  you  do  not  or  can  not 
know,  trying  for  accomplishments  that  are  above  the 
station  of  life  to  which  the  children  are  born,  living 
in  "  rooms  "  or  moving  often,  or,  in  fact,  anything 
that  denies  children  the  influence  of  a  permanent 
home  atmosphere:  these  are  all  things  to  avoid. 
They  count  against  the  future. 

78 


NURSERY  DAYS— PHYSICAL 

Such  seeds  (to  use  again  the  garden  thought) 
crowd  out  the  flowers  and  destroy  the  strength  and 
permanence  of  valuable  hereditary  plants.  What  is 
more,  they  take  the  space,  valuable  space,  from  the 
flowers  one  wants  to  see ;  and  they  take  the  strength 
of  the  soil,  so  that  if  a  little  space  is  cleared,  and  a 
new  bright  seed  put  in,  it  can  not  grow.  Strength 
and  space,  which  represent  will  and  time,  have  been 
used  up  and  it  is  too  late. 

But  for  the  mother  whose  children  are  still  in 
the  nursery,  there  are  no  such  words  as  too  late. 
She  has  the  fresh  garden,  the  fresh  unused  soil; 
space,  sun,  air,  rain — she  has  everything.  Youth 
and  endurance  stand  at  her  right  hand.  Faith  is  her 
standard,  belief  and  courage  her  watchwords;  with 
these  she  can  not  fail. 

Yet  with  the  best  intentions  in  the  world  the 
flowers  run  riot  without  a  gardener.  They  are  as  de- 
manding as  children.  They  burst  into  bloom  when 
they  are  cared  for,  they  fade  and  pine  in  neglect. 

The  qualities  to  look  for  in  a  gardener  are  love  of 
his  work,  real  knowledge  and  a  daily  faithfulness 
in  carrying  out  his  ideals.  He  must  have  a  plan 
underlying  every  effort  but  he  must  also  have  faith 
— faith  in  the  future  of  his  flowers,  seeing  in  his 
imagination  their  possible  glory  in  their  present 
weakness. 

79 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

We  mothers  are  all  gardeners.  We  can  not  do 
better  than  apply  each  principle  of  outdoor  lore  to 
the  perfecting  of  our  children's  spiritual  flowers. 
There  is  hardly  a  thing  done  in  the  garden  for  the 
advancement  of  its  beauty  that  has  not  a  parallel 
right  here  in  our  daily  work  at  home. 

So  much  depends  upon  the  gardener.  The  happy 
little  faces  in  the  garden  reflect  his  every  mood.  His 
character,  tastes,  devotion,  knowledge,  all  show 
directly  in  his  work.  So  it  is  in  the  nursery.  Dread- 
ful as  it  is  to  realize,  our  children  are  usually  perfect 
little  mirrors  of  ourselves.  It  is  years  before  they 
make  their  individualities  stand  apart,  and  the 'blocks 
that  they  use  for  their  work  come  from  a  familiar 
spot — we  have  seen  each  stone  before.  However 
high  and  strange  the  pyramid  they  construct,  its 
foundation  stones  are  cut  from  out  the  parent's 
quarry — and  it  can  be  no  other  way. 

A  really  good  gardener  must  love  his  work.  No 
amount  of  book-learning  will  ever  take  the  place  of 
love.  It  is  quite  as  true  that  the  most  successful 
mothers  are  those  who  really  love  the  work,  who  are 
fairly  saturated  in  it,  who  take  the  mother's  duties 
in  the  spirit  of  vocation,  and  give  ungrudgingly  of 
their  very  best,  not  because  they  must,  but  because 
they  love. 

80 


VII 
DISCIPLINE 

"You  know  also  that  the  beginning  is  the  chief est  part 
of  any  work,  especially  in  a  young  and  tender  thing ;  for  that  is 
the  time  at  which  the  character  is  formed  and  most  readily 
receives  the  desired  impression." 

— PLATO. 

PROBABLY  the  most  all-around  valuable  lesson  of 
life  a  child  can  learn  is  obedience.  Obedience  helps 
him  from  the  very  moment  he  begins  to  be.  It  trains 
him  to  accept  adversity  and  leads  him  to  win  love,  it 
modifies  his  over-confidence  and  is  the  surest  means 
of  success,  for  the  boy  who  obeys  grows  into  the 
man  who  commands,  and  to  obey  well  is  at  the  very 
heart  of  spiritual  progress. 

Strange  to  say,  children  can  not  be  happy  unless 
they  live  in  obedience  to  their  parents,  and  the  same 
principle  continues  to  work  out  during  all  their  lives. 
As  men  and  women  if  they  live  in  a  state  of  disobedi- 
ence to  any  generally-accepted  moral  law,  they  are  in 
some  way  or  other  made  outcasts.  Every  human 
being,  in  order  that  he  may  develop,  must  obey. 

We  make  a  mistake  if  we  think  of  discipline  as 
only  "  making  children  mind."  There  is  the  letter 
of  discipline,  but  there  is  also  the  spirit. 

6  81 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Discipline,  in  spirit,  is  the  "  regulating  of  social 
conduct,"  having  really  nothing  at  all  to  do  with 
the  letter  of  exacting  obedience,  or  of  the  coercion 
of  one  person  by  another. 

Discipline,  properly  understood,  is  an  effort  on 
the  part  of  those  responsible  for  the  child  to  so  regu- 
late his  instinctive  desires  that  by  his  own  efforts  he 
gradually  fits  himself  to  become  an  efficient  human 
being. 

Once  we  lose  the  true  end  of  our  effort,  and  set 
the  work  we  are  trying  to  do  on  a  personal  basis 
of  "  you  must  do  as  /  say  because  I  say  so/'  the  big 
spiritual  results  which  are  so  possible  shrink  down 
to  the  narrow  human  limit  of  the  letter,  and  we  fail 
because  we  have  lost  sight  of  our  ideal. 

For  the  child  does  not  sin  against  us,  his  parents, 
but  against  himself,  and  we  must  teach  him  this  from 
the  beginning.  It  is  the  foundation  upon  which  all 
our  work  of  discipline  and  correction  must  be  built. 

Our  solicitude  is  not  that  we  ourselves  may 
escape  the  small  annoyances  of  his  faults,  but  that 
he  may  do  the  best  he  can  to  build  his  own  character 
and  make  himself  of  worth  to  his  generation. 

The  sooner  we  shift  the  responsibility  of  making 
something  of  himself  upon  the  child,  the  sooner  will 
we  see  results.  What  we  try  to  do  is  to  show  him 
that  we  are  here  not  to  scold  or  criticise  or  to  exact 


DISCIPLINE 

the  letter  of  the  law,  but  to  help  him  by  our  greater 
experience;  we  therefore  do  not  bear  a  grudge 
against  him  when  he  does  wrong,  for  he  has  hurt 
himself,  not  us;  instead  we  grieve  that  he  has  gone 
a  step  backward  in  his  task  of  character-building, 
and  we  try  by  every  means  in  our  power  to  help 
and  stimulate  him  to  go  on  again  with  surer  feet 
in  the  right  direction.  We  do  this  best  through  love 
and  sympathy  and  an  understanding  heart. 

Even  realizing  this,  there  is  nothing  harder  than 
to  regulate  the  instinctive  desires  of  a  lawless,  wide- 
eyed,  petulant  little  child  and  to  impress  upon  him 
the  necessity  of  obedience,  even  though  it  is  for  his 
own  good  and  for  his  own  development.  Yet  so  to 
impress  him  is  the  first  step  in  character-building. 
It  is  the  first  permanent  cross-beam  laid  in  the  child's 
life,  and  upon  it  every  other  beam  in  some  way  de- 
pends for  beauty  and  support. 

Remember  that  the  scolding  mother  is  never 
really  obeyed.  It  is  never  she  who  inculcates  true 
obedience.  Many  evasions  and  circuitous  routes  are 
permitted  in  the  nursery  days,  and  it  is  better  to  lead 
than  to  drive. 

To  get  the  best  results  there  must  be  few  battles. 
Analyze  the  home  life  of  a  family  of  children  who 
do  not  obey — are  they  not  found  to  be  living  in  a 
thick  mist  of  broken  threats  and  futile  scoldings, 

83 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

with  never  a  dignified  command,  never  a  serious  calm 
retribution  ? 

On  the  other  hand,  if  you  are  so  fortunate  as  to 
have  a  friend  who  has  been  successful  in  gaining  her 
children's  prompt  obedience,  you  will  soon  realize 
that  they  are  directed  and  led,  usually  without  their 
even  knowing  it.  There  probably  are  no  "  don'ts  " 
in  that  home,  and  the  few  rules  necessary  for  the 
peace  of  all  are  dignified  by  being  made  inviolable. 

Because  the  children  are  never  scolded,  but  cor- 
rected only  when  absolutely  necessary,  they  obey  in- 
stantly. They  obey  probably  very  often  because  of 
the  unusualness  and  seriousness  of  the  reproof. 

To  nag  and  to  over-emphasize  little  faults  is  not 
discipline.  Whenever  compatible  with  true  dignity, 
ignore.  Avoid  an  issue.  Not  in  order  to  escape  the 
trouble  of  correction  or  to  "  let  the  child  off,"  but 
in  order  that  when  a  sober-minded  and  careful  rebuke 
is  necessary,  it  may  carry  greater  weight. 

It  is  helpful  to  realize  how  full  of  changes  the 
temperamental  life  of  the  child  is.  Faults,  eccentrici- 
ties, phases,  oddities  of  manner  that  we  are  nearly 
frantic  over  one  year  change  from  time  to  time  and 
are  outgrown.  Anything  that  is  not  a  fundamental 
error  of  character  is  better  ignored. 

"  To-day's  troubles  look  large,"  someone  has 
said,  "  but  a  week  hence  they  will  be  forgotten  and 

84 


DISCIPLINE 

buried  out  of  sight.  If  you  should  keep  a  book  and 
daily  put  down  the  things  that  worry  you,  and  see 
what  becomes  of  them,  it  would  be  a  benefit  to  you. 
The  art  of  forgetting  is  a  blessed  art,  but  the  art  of 
overlooking  is  quite  as  important." 

Think  twice  before  giving  a  command,  but  the 
command  once  given,  do  not  persuade  or  argue.  The 
result  is  disrespect  to  say  the  least. 

The  fewer  direct  commands  a  mother  gives  the 
better,  for  cooperation  should  be  the  ideal  in  view, 
not  autocracy.  A  simple  request  if  it  is  for  the  good 
of  all  concerned  and  given  in  a  kindly  way  is  usually 
sufficient,  and  the  child  who  is  well  will  respond  by 
willing  and  cheerful  obedience. 

Discipline  may  often  be  pleasantly  disguised  and 
loses  nothing  thereby.  Keep  clearly  before  you  the 
thought  that  what  you  really  want  is  to  help  the 
child  to  make  something  of  himself,  not  simply  to 
"  make  him  mind." 

I  heard  a  mother  say  the  other  day  that  she  always 
met  rebellion  in  her  children  with,  "  Oh,  my  dear, 
you  must  be  ill  or  you  would  never  answer  mother 
this  way.  Come  right  up  to  the  nursery  and  I  will 
give  you  a  dose  of  castor-oil."  And,  indeed,  so 
much  of  what  we  call  "  naughtiness  "  is  the  result 
of  purely  physical  causes,  that  it  would  seem  wise 
to  make  a  rule  of  avoiding  punishment  and  even 

85 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

hard  words  until  a  search  has  been  made  for  a  pos- 
sible physical  cause. 

It  is  the  usual  thing  for  children  to  be  cross, 
disobedient,  and  rebellious  when  they  are  overtired. 
To  ask  any  particular  favor  of  a  child  who  is  ner- 
vously unstrung  and  struggling  to  keep  up  at  the  end 
of  a  long  day  is  to  bring  certain  disaster.  A  little 
digestive  upset,  the  coming  on  of  a  cold,  over-excite- 
ment, any  of  these  things  may  be  at  the  bottom  of  a 
fit  of  temper  or  a  flagrant  act  of  disobedience. 

In  Japan  they  dose  naughty  children,  and  the  wise 
little  country  in  this  as  in  many  other  ways  is  worthy 
of  imitation. 

Much  also  is  gained  if  the  mother  can  control 
herself,  weary  and  exasperated  though  she  may  be, 
so  that  she  does  not  reprove  or  command  when  she 
is  angry.  Respect  must  be  felt  for  the  person  who 
exerts  authority,  or  that  authority  counts  for  very 
little.  To  discipline  in  a  fit  of  temper  is  a  woful 
mistake. 

A  sense  of  humor  is  the  mother's  greatest  ally.  It 
is  often  better  than  a  hundred  preachments.  Words 
that  are  repeated  over  and  over  again  soon  become 
cant.  To  preach  to  children  takes  away  their  own 
sharp  edge  of  realization — they  get  so  accustomed 
to  their  mother's  "  you  must  always  do  so  and  so, 
my  dear,"  that  their  own  susceptibilities  become 


DISCIPLINE 

dulled  and  in  the  end  they  no  longer  respond  to  her 
suggestions. 

An  ounce  of  practice  and  a  good  laugh  are  worth 
many  pounds  of  preaching.  Trust  to  the  child's  imi- 
tative powers  and  be  what  you  wish  him  to  become. 
Words  count  for  little  to  children,  only  touching 
the  very  outer  rim  of  their  existence.  Actions,  on 
the  other  hand,  set  up  definite  ideals  for  them  to  fol- 
low, and  are  the  surest,  quickest  means  of  moulding 
character. 

Do  not  be  too  critical.  Continual  criticism  either 
discourages  a  child  hopelessly  and  dampens  all  his 
enthusiasm  to  really  make  something  of  himself,  or 
else  causes  him  to  resent  what  he  deems  to  be  an 
injustice  and,  finally,  is  an  incentive  to  a  state  of 
continual  rebellion. 

This  does  not  mean  that  one  is  to  adopt  a  policy 
of  persistently  ignoring  faults,  far  from  it;  but  I 
think  we  all  know  what  a  nagging,  critical  spirit  is 
in  other  people,  how  hard  it  is  to  bear,  and  how 
different  it  is  from  an  earnest  effort  on  their  part 
to  counteract  a  weakness,  or  the  true  desire  to  really 
understand  in  us  and  overcome  a  fault. 

Try  never  to  bear  a  grudge  against  a  child.  I 
have  seen  children  absolutely  martyrized  by  being  put 
"  in  disgrace."  Because  a  child  is  naughty  or  dis- 
obedient or  commits  one  serious  fault  is  it  necessary 

87 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

to  visit  continual  displeasure  upon  him,  to  make  him 
walk  in  outer  darkness  and  to  act  as  if  his  fault  had 
shut  him  entirely  outside  your  love  ? 

A  speedy  settling  up  of  matters  is  always  best 
between  mother  and  child,  and  a  quick  and  entire 
forgiveness,  once  the  fault  is  atoned.  Besides  which, 
bearing  a  grudge  immediately  puts  the  whole  business 
of  wrong-doing  on  a  personal  basis,  and  that  is  just 
what  we  are  trying  to  avoid. 

At  a  children's  picnic  the  other  day,  one  of  the 
young  mothers  called  after  her  little  brood  a  con- 
tinual stream  of  "  don'ts."  I  saw  that  an  elderly 
Quakeress  of  great  charm  who  was  of  the  party  could 
endure  no  longer  in  silence.  Calling  the  anxious 
mother  over  to  her  side,  she  said  gently,  "  My  dear, 
when  I  was  thy  age,  I  had  seven  children,  and  I 
remember  one  day  my  mother  said  to  me,  '  Try  say- 
ing do  instead  of  don't'  It  was  the  turning  point  in 
my  life,  my  dear,  and  whatever  success  thee  may 
think  I  have  had  is  due  to  the  following  out  of  that 
simple  rule.  Try  it  for  thyself." 

To  offer  a  child  an  ideal  by  saying  "  do "  is 
spiritually  of  a  greater  advantage  to  him  than  to 
discourage  and  rebuke  him  by  continually  saying 
"  don't."  In  other  words,  instead  of  framing  one's 
wish  thus :  "  don't  stoop,"  "  don't  speak  so  quickly," 
"  don't  pick  those  flowers,"  a  better  result  is  gained 


DISCIPLINE 

by  saying,  "  hold  yourself  straighter,"  "  try  to  speak 
more  distinctly,"  "  pick  these  flowers  over  here  in- 
stead." 

It  is  also  well  to  remember  that  the  very  charac- 
teristics in  a  child  which  worry  the  mother  most  and 
give  her  the  greatest  trouble  are  those  which  she 
should  respect,  for  they  are  in  all  probability  the 
awkward  manifestations  of  undisciplined  power, 
the  first  ungoverned  stirrings  of  that  which  will 
eventually  be  her  child's  highest  self.  Dormant 
strength  is  always  vagrant,  uncontrolled,  and  diffi- 
cult to  understand,  but  without  it,  the  child  would  be 
worth  little. 

There  are  many  things  to  realize  before  we  scold 
or  punish.  The  difficulties  we  meet  in  our  children 
are  often  the  result  of  too  much  or  too  little  of 
the  mysterious  quality  known  as  vitality.  They 
either  have  too  much,  and,  unemployed,  it  bubbles 
over  and  is  translated  into  mischief;  or,  having  too 
little,  they  are  lazy,  obstinate,  fretful,  protesting  by 
their  very  faults  that  the  cause  of  failure  has  not 
been  understood. 

Discipline,  here,  is  quite  useless.  One  may  scold 
and  punish  forever  and  gain  nothing.  The  over- 
energized  child  if  given  plenty  of  pleasant,  wholesome 
work,  physical  and  manual,  soon  runs  out  the  super- 
abundance of  his  energy  and  is  no  longer  "  bad." 

89 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

The  pathetic  child  who  is  scolded  because  he  is 
dull,  and  who  is  punished  because  he  seems  obstinate 
and  perverse,  has  probably  not  enough  red  blood 
in  his  veins  to  enable  him  to  stand  up  for  himself 
and  make  a  good  showing  in  his  little  world.  What 
he  needs  is  not  discipline,  but  a  mode  of  living  low- 
ered to  a  less  complicated  scale — a  simple  daily 
routine  well  within  his  comprehension,  and  sympa- 
thetic affection  from  his  companions. 

Vitality  in  the  child,  if  guided  by  discipline,  will 
prove  one  of  the  very  strongest  of  all  his  forces  for 
good.  Desire  and  vitality  are  the  child's  primitive 
spiritual  possessions,  it  is  for  us  who  are  over  him 
to  help  him  so  to  couple  them  with  judgment  that 
they  become  his  servants,  not  he  theirs.  To  gain  this 
control  he  must  be  willing  to  submit  to  the  discipline 
of  regulated  instincts  and  definite  ideals. 

Have  you  ever  heard  a  mother  say  something  like 
this,  "  Now  I  do  wish  you  would  try  to  be  like  your 
little  cousin.  She  never  cries,  and  she  lets  her 
mother  brush  her  hair  without  a  word,  and  she  is  so 
sweet  and  pretty.  Do  try  to  be  like  her,  she  is  a 
much  better  little  girl  than  you  are,"  and  have  you 
ever  thought  of  the  results  of  such  a  comparison? 
I  can  hardly  fancy  anything  more  depressing  to  a 
sensitive  child  than  always  to  have  held  up  before 

90 


DISCIPLINE 

her  imagination  the  supposed  or  actual  merits  of 
another  child. 

Yet  almost  unconsciously  many  mothers  do  this 
as  a  means  of  discipline,  and  whenever  they  wish 
to  teach  a  lesson  or  make  a  suggestion  they  do  so  by 
the  mistaken  means  of  comparison.  Instead  of  dis- 
ciplining, comparison  absolutely  paralyzes  the  efforts 
of  the  child  who  is  thus  compared  to  his  or  her  own 
disadvantage,  and  sooner  or  later  results  in  a  jealous 
rage  and  hatred  toward  the  little  cousin  or  sister  or 
friend  who  is  always  held  up  as  being  more  favored, 
more  docile,  and  more  attractive. 

Comparison  is  almost  always  harmful.  Every 
child  needs  individual  study  and  individual  encour- 
agement. It  only  hinders  him  in  the  putting  out  of 
his  own  powers  to  speak  of  the  greater  powers  of 
another. 

Also  there  is  no  stimulant  to  a  child  greater  than 
the  knowledge  that  he  is  believed  in  by  his  mother. 
He  will  do  wonders  under  her  smile  of  approbation ; 
to  have  her  approve  of  him  and  believe  in  him  ahead 
of  all  other  children  in  the  world  is  to  give  him  the 
best  impetus  we  know  of  for  effectual  effort.  Like 
his  love's  favor  in  the  days  of  old,  the  child  who 
wears  his  mother's  belief  as  the  knight  his  lady's 
sleeve  or  veil  is  the  child  who  is  most  likely  to  win  out 
in  the  fight.  There  can  be  no  greater  handicap  to  him 

91 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

than  the  discouragement  and  chill  which  comes  when 
his  mother  holds  up  some  other  child  to  his  disad- 
vantage. 

There  is  another  form  of  discipline,  a  higher 
discipline,  the  yoke  of  mankind,  borne  since  the  be- 
ginning, the  great  teacher  of  the  race.  To  try  to 
avoid  it  for  our  children  is  to  produce  moral  flabbi- 
ness  where  they  most  need  strength.  This  yoke  is 
pain.  Disappointment  and  pain  are  the  usual  in- 
struments of  higher  discipline,  and  as  life  is  full 
of  both  the  wise  mother  trains  her  children  even  in 
the  nursery  days  to  accept  and  bear  them. 

A  trained  nurse  told  me  not  long  ago  of  a  young 
mother  and  father  in  a  great  western  city  who  de- 
ceived their  only  son  on  his  way  to  have  his  tonsils 
removed,  by  telling  him  he  was  going  to  the  seashore. 
When  they  arrived  at  the  hospital  the  child  was 
carried  screaming  into  the  operating  room  and  in- 
stantly etherized.  When  the  operation  was  over  he 
could  only  be  induced  to  take  nourishment  by  having 
a  candy  popped  into  his  mouth  after  each  painful 
swallow.  Two  motors  filled  with  toys  had  followed 
him  the  day  before  and  he  was  allowed  to  break 
them  up  at  will,  while  his  governess  and  frightened 
parents  sat  weeping  by  the  bed. 

Children  must  not  be  alarmed  about  illness.  Ig- 
norant servants  are  often  allowed  to  unfold  stories 

92 


DISCIPLINE 

of  hospital  experiences  they  have  heard  of  or  under- 
gone, and  the  children  become  terrified  even  at  the 
suggestion  of  a  visit  from  the  doctor! 

Above  all,  never  let  any  one  say,  "If  you  don't 
mind,  I  will  send  for  the  doctor,  and  he'll  give  you 
some  bad  medicine !  "  A  remark  of  this  kind  is  dis- 
astrous, and  months  of  patient  teaching  will  be  re- 
quired to  undo  its  influence. 

Our  aim  should  be  to  fortify  children  from  the 
very  beginning  to  bear  pain,  to  undergo  what  is  hard, 
and  to  stand  up  manfully  in  the  face  of  a  moral  or 
physical  hurt.  Thus  to  fortify  them  is  to  help  them 
build  character  and  develop  will. 

It  has  been  stated  recently  that  for  every  one 
person  who  fails  from  intellectual  defect  there  are 
ten  who  fail  from  moral  defect.  What  the  world 
really  needs  after  all  is  not  more  brains,  it  is  more 
character. 

Pierpont  Morgan  used  to  say  that  character,  not 
ability,  is  a  banker's  most  important  asset.  Character 
can  not  be  developed  in  children  unless  they  are 
taught  to  "  be  in  love  with  difficulty." 

A  soft  life,  moral  indulgence,  too  much  easy 
pleasure,  prepares  the  way  for  weakness.  Discipline 
of  the  will,  on  the  other  hand,  courage  to  stand  be- 
fore disappointment  and  pain  without  flinching, 
makes  character. 

93 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

"  Character/'  says  Bishop  Rhinelander,  "  is  what 
we  make  out  of  what  God  gives  us."  God  sends 
children  into  this  world  differently  endowed,  but 
what  each  child  makes  out  of  his  endowment,  be  it 
great  or  small,  by  his  own  will,  this  is  character. 

Character  is  brought  out  and  developed  in  chil- 
dren not  by  sheltering  them,  but  by  allowing  them  to 
meet  the  daily  discipline  of  life,  by  fortifying  them 
to  greet  disappointment  cheerfully,  sickness  coura- 
geously, and  any  necessary  deprivation  of  pleasure 
without  malice. 

I  know  of  a  mother  who  could  not  induce  her  little 
girl  to  go  to  the  dentist  without  the  offer  of  a  bribe. 
As  the  child  grew  older  the  bribe  became  propor- 
tionately larger,  until  every  six  months  a  really 
handsome  reward  or  present  had  to  be  held  allur- 
ingly before  the  selfish,  tyrannical  little  child  to  se- 
cure her  obedience.  What  preparation  for  life  was 
this  ?  Was  this  child  being  strengthened  to  meet  the 
dangers  and  difficulties  of  a  woman's  lot,  taught  to 
bear  pain,  to  be  courageous  in  the  face  of  adversity, 
to  be  patient,  unselfish,  obedient  to  the  higher  disci- 
pline which  God  sends  to  all  who  walk  this  earth  ? 

Many  mothers  have  found  it  helpful  to  have  a 
blank  book  near  at  hand  in  which  to  jot  down  day  by 
day  impressions  and  notes  upon  the  children's  prog- 
ress. In  such  a  book  the  story  of  the  varying  little 

94 


DISCIPLINE 

lives  is  gradually  unfolded,  not  tidily  or  particularly, 
but  things  recorded  without  ceremony,  just  as  they 
happened.  Differences  in  temperament,  in  treatment 
and  discipline  are  here  jotted  down  for  further  con- 
sultation and  guidance. 

In  the  front  of  such  a  book  it  would  be  well  to 
write  as  a  kind  of  keynote  the  thought  of  the  great 
Froebel  that  the  moment  the  mother's  will  clashes 
against  the  child's  will,  there  is  the  beginning  of 
alienation,  and  alienation  is  the  root  of  all  mischief. 

Preyer,  the  German  scientist,  has  said  that  love 
is  the  stimulus  under  which  the  young  soul  unfolds  its 
powers  most  rapidly  and  naturally. 

It  is  really  love  and  understanding  that  we 
mothers  need  to  pray  for,  and  only  after  that  for 
a  knowledge  of  the  right  use  of  discipline. 

Let  us  get  forever  away  from  the  old  conception 
of  the  word,  and  look  upon  discipline  in  its  new  and 
gentle  guise,  as  the  regulating  of  instinctive  desires 
and  the  effort  on  our  part,  not  to  coerce  or  combat, 
but  instead  to  clear  away  the  obstacles  in  the  child's 
path,  that  he  may  make  something  truly  worthy  of 
himself,  both  for  this  world  and  for  the  next. 


95 


VIII 
RESPONSIBILITY 

"  Every  man's  task  is  his  life-preserver." 

— EMERSON. 

I  REMEMBER  once  as  a  little  child  being  taken  by 
my  mother  to  visit  a  friend  whose  children  were 
somewhat  older  than  myself.  I  can  see  now  the 
beautiful  drawing-room  and  the  lovely  mother  and 
feel  again  the  gentle  influence  of  the  harmonious 
and  artistic  surroundings.  During  our  visit  the 
father  happened  to  come  in  for  a  few  minutes.  He 
then  said  a  thing  I  have  never  forgotten,  though 
I  was  only  about  eight  years  old.  He  remarked 
impressively  to  my  mother  that  he  was  happy  to 
be  able  to  say  that  he  had  never  denied  his  children 
anything,  that  the  servants  were  instructed  to  fulfil 
their  every  whim,  and  that  he  hoped  to  be  able  to 
continue  to  carry  out  his  plan,  so  that  they  might 
be  perfectly  happy  always. 

Many  years  have  passed:  The  oldest  son  of  this 
tragically  mistaken  parent  is  a  confirmed  drunkard; 
one  of  the  daughters  at  seventeen  ran  away  with  a 
man  greatly  her  inferior;  another  child  is  a  drug 
fiend;  only  one,  in  fact,  has  been  able  to  overcome 

96 


RESPONSIBILITY 

the  weak  and  disastrous  love  upon  which  they  fed  as 
children. 

It  is  hard  to  blame  these  children,  for  they  were 
never  taught  self-control,  self-discipline,  or  how  to 
handle  their  own  appetites.  At  the  very  first  of  life's 
trials  they  fell.  Temptation  found  them  pathetically 
unprepared.  No  moral  strength  had  been  given 
them ;  how  could  they  be  expected  to  stand  upright  ? 

I  often  think  of  this  family  when  I  feel  discour- 
aged and  ask,  "  is  it  worth  while  after  all?  "  It  is 
worth  while  to  struggle  to  win  strength  for  the 
children.  Weak  and  foolish  love  is  the  very  surest 
way  to  destroy  moral  force  and  without  moral  force 
children  can  do  nothing  with  their  lives. 

Parents  want  their  children  "  to  be  happy 
always  " ;  it  is  only  natural.  Every  hurt  given  to 
her  child  is  a  double  stab  in  the  mother's  own  heart. 
But  for  the  very  reason  that  children  may  one  day 
know  true  happiness,  they  must  be  "  subject  unto 
their  parents,"  taught,  through  the  very  great  love 
we  bear  them  what  it  means  to  give  up,  and  what  it 
is  to  obey. 

Happiness  for.jthe  children,  however,  is  not 
reached  in  so  easy  a  way  to  the  parents  as  through 
indulgence.  To  teach  the  human  soul  how  to  be 
happy,  is  a  master  work,  a  great  and  difficult  art, 
needing  patience,  a  subtle  handling  and  great  wisdom. 

7  97 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Without  order  and  discipline  there  can  be  no 
happiness.  To  appreciate  this  in  the  nursery  days  is 
to  begin  well. 

Every  effort  to  make  children  happy  fails  if  we 
take  away  from  them  sense  of  responsibility.  Think 
for  a  child  and  he  is  sure  to  be  discontented.  Charac- 
ter is  formed  only  by  meeting  responsibility  and 
assuming  care.  It  is  doing  children  injustice  to  deny 
them  the  mental  development  that  comes  from  doing 
their  own  thinking  and  making  their  own  decisions. 
Childhood  is  a  preparation.  It  is  the  school-time  of 
character  as  well  as  of  intellect. 

I  know  a  mother  who  never  allows  a  departing 
child  to  close  the  front  door  without  some  such  ques- 
tions as  these:  "Have  you  got  your  umbrella;  did 
you  remember  that  book  that  you  want  to  take  back 
to  the  library ;  have  you  got  enough  change  in  your 
purse;  are  you  sure  you  have  not  forgotten  your 
trunk  key;  or  theatre  ticket"  (or  whatever  else  it 
may  have  been  that  the  child  was  not  to  forget). 

Questions  like  these  coming  punctually  from  an 
older,  stronger  mind  just  when  the  child  should  be 
exerting  his  own  will  and  striving  not  to  forget 
anything  that  should  be  remembered  deprives  him 
at  once  of  both  initiative  and  memory. 

Children  develop  far  better  when  they  are  encour- 


RESPONSIBILITY 

aged  to  do  their  own  thinking  and  allowed  to  suffer 
when  their  forethought  or  memory  fails.  They  need 
not  be  forward  or  too  independent  because  they  think 
for  themselves  and  use  their  own  minds  instead  of 
relying  always  upon  the  suggestions  made  by  a 
watchful  mother.  Indeed,  children  can  be  made  self- 
reliant  and  helpful  only  by  being  taught  from  child- 
hood to  use  their  own  powers,  and  to  depend  upon 
themselves. 

I  have  heard  mothers  say,  "  Oh,  it's  so  much 
easier  to  do  it  myself."  No  doubt,  but  is  it  fair  to 
the  child?  The  same  type  of  mother  will  say,  "  I 
can  not  bear  to  make  my  boy  pick  up  his  clothes  at 
night.  He  is  so  sleepy  I  do  it  for  him  " ;  or  "  The 
children  are  so  hungry  they  can't  wait  to  wash  their 
hands." 

It  is  not  fair  to  the  child  to  be  careless  about  little 
things,  for  it  is  just  these  little  things  that  bring  out 
his  thoughtfulness,  self-reliance,  and  self-control. 

Self-control,  a  characteristic  absolutely  essential 
to  efficient  manhood  or  womanhood,  is  not  learned  in 
a  day.  It  is  the  result  of  patient  teaching  and  train- 
ing through  all  the  long  slow  years  of  babyhood  and 
youth. 

Attractive  personal  habits,  sense  of  responsibility, 
care  of  toys,  clothes,  books,  and  other  possessions 
that  children  accumulate  at  the  expense  and  effort  of 

99 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

those  who  love  them — these  have  to  be  taught 
patiently,  and  from  the  very  beginning  held  up  as 
necessary  ideals. 

To  do  this  a  little  time  must  be  spent  every  day 
in  helping  the  child  to  help  himself.  Let  him  make 
his  own  decisions,  plan  his  own  little  daily  routine, 
feel  responsible  for  his  time,  his  toys,  his  room,  all 
that  he  owns. 

A  wise  mother  once  told  me  that  as  a  matter  of 
principle  she  gave  each  one  of  her  children  a  task  to 
perform  in  the  home  every  day.  It  was  not  because 
they  really  helped;  she  often  spent  more  time  in 
showing  them  how  to  do  what  she  desired  than  if 
she  had  done  the  work  several  times  over  herself. 
It  was  to  develop  in  them  an  interest  in  the  home, 
and  a  sense  of  responsibility  and  service. 

A  child  can  not  hope  to  reach  his  full  power  as 
man  or  woman  without  a  well-developed  sense  of 
responsibility.  This  quality  is  absolutely  necessary 
to  character.  It  will  rarely  be  found  in  persons  who, 
as  children,  were  not  taught  to  think  and  act  for 
themselves  and  for  others. 

In  another  home  I  know  the  five  boys  take  turns 
in  being  "  policeman,"  receiving  every  Saturday  a 
quarter  for  the  week's  work !  The  policeman  must 
see  that  the  cat  is  in,  the  dog  tied  up,  the  lights  out, 
the  little  sister's  toys  safely  in  from  the  porch,  the 

100 


RESPONSIBILITY 

house  locked,  the  cloak  room  in  order  for  the  next 
day's  boisterous  exit  at  school-time. 

Children  who  feel  that  they  share  the  responsi- 
bility of  the  home  with  their  parents  develop  more 
easily  and  present  fewer  problems.  They  are  happier 
and  more  loving  because  they  are  working  side  by 
side  with  their  parents  instead  of  being  put  away  as 
"  too  young  to  understand." 

Children  understand  a  great  deal — a  great  deal 
more  than  we  usually  give  them  credit  for.  They 
enjoy  responsibility  and  they  respond  instantly  and 
earnestly  when  an  appeal  is  made  to  their  individual 
powers.  Do  not  deny  them  the  inner  warmth  of  this 
feeling  that  they  are  of  use.  It  binds  them  to  you 
and  gives  them,  through  effort,  a  very  real  and  endur- 
ing love  of  home. 

Have  we  not  all  seen  the  child  whose  parents  in 
trying  to  make  him  "  perfectly  happy "  have  re- 
moved from  him  all  life-giving  experiences?  They 
think  for  him,  act  for  him,  suggest  his  pleasures, 
overwhelm  him  with  toys,  never  allow  anything  un- 
pleasant or  distressing  to  be  mentioned  in  his  pres- 
ence. What  is  the  result?  A  cross,  selfish  child, 
without  personal  power  or  initiative,  absolutely  un- 
prepared to  meet  the  world,  understanding  none  of 
its  values.  Having  neither  duties  nor  responsibili- 
ties, he  has  no  deep  spiritual  experiences.  Being  of 

101 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 


no  use,  he  is  unhappy.  He  is  a  failure,  and  why? 
Only  because  of  his  parents'  short-sighted,  selfish 
love. 

A  boy  King  is  spared  no  rigors  of  early  life.  His 
childhood  is  stern,  full  of  responsibility  and  effort. 
Each  moment  is  accounted  for,  hard  lessons  are 
learned  every  day,  physical  endurance  is  practised, 
diplomacy  and  courtesy  taught,  obedience  made  a 
law.  Probably  no  vocation  has  a  harder,  longer 
initiation  of  effort  than  that  of  learning  how  to  rule. 
Records  of  the  daily  life  of  the  world's  great  Kings 
show  the  austerity  and  difficulty  of  the  preparation 
thought  necessary  by  older  nations  to  go  into  the 
making  of  a  King.  Beside  these  the  life  of  the  ultra- 
rich  American  boy  is  almost  disgusting — shorn  of 
everything  that  is  hard  and  difficult,  and  that  goes 
to  the  making  of  a  man. 

I  have  heard  many  fathers  say,  "  I  don't  want 
my  children  to  know  anything  about  the  hardships 
of  life;  they  will  meet  them  soon  enough." 

Though  this  may  be  all  very  well  from  the 
parent's  point  of  view,  is  it  quite  fair  to  the  child? 
Is  it  preparing  him  to  live  well?  For,  after  all,  in 
spite  of  the  most  loving  parents'  care  and  protec- 
tion, each  child  has  his  own  way  to  win,  his  own 
future  to  carve.  Is  it  not  better  for  him  to  have  the 

102 


RESPONSIBILITY 

main  facts  of  life,  as  he  must  live  it  when  he  becomes 
a  man,  presented  to  him  wisely  and  lovingly  while 
he  is  yet  a  child?  I  think  this  is  particularly  appli- 
cable in  regard  to  the  question  of  money. 

Even  a  very  little  child  may  be  taught  the  value 
of  money;  that  his  father  has  to  work  hard  to  earn  it, 
and  his  mother  contrive  wisely  to  make  it  last.  He 
may  realize  this  when  scarcely  out  of  the  nursery 
without  losing  any  of  his  natural  cheerfulness  and 
trust.  And  though  some  parents  may  disagree  with 
me,  I  do  not  think  it  is  ever  too  soon  to  shift  a  little 
of  this  particular  kind  of  responsibility  upon  the 
children. 

What  is  our  ultimate  aim  in  bringing  them  up? 
Is  it  not  that  they  may  be  helped  by  our  own  mature 
discretion  in  the  forming  of  character?  We  long 
to  make  them  happy,  but  to  gratify  their  passions 
does  not  make  them  happy,  nor  does  it  avail  to  hide 
from  them  the  true  state  of  our  resources.  A  child 
would  far  rather  feel  that  he  is  trusted  by  his  parents 
and  allowed  to  share  any  anxiety  that  may  be  theirs. 
He  is  happier  if  he  knows  how  great  a  part  money 
plays  in  life,  and  is  taught  to  value  it  as  the  hard- 
won  product  of  his  father's  toil. 

One  of  the  best  ways  to  impress  the  value  of 
money  upon  the  child  is  to  give  him  a  small  allow- 
ance. By  this  means  he  has  not  only  a  practical  lesson 

103 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

in  how  very  short  a  way  a  cent  will  go,  but  he  also 
learns  which  of  the  pleasures  bought  really  pay,  the 
box  of  candy  that  makes  him  sick,  or  the  interesting 
game  that  affords  him  many  hours  of  play;  the  pink 
ice-cream,  so  soon  to  disappear,  or  the  little  picture 
book  that  is  his  friend  for  years.  Though  he  may 
not  be  able  to  put  his  impressions  in  plain  words  at 
first,  he  is  learning  valuable  lessons,  to  be  applied 
unconsciously  to  life  as  he  grows  older. 

There  is  probably  nothing  which  is  so  full  of  sur- 
prises to  every  one  of  us  as  our  account  book.  Who 
has  not  said,  "  What,  all  this  money  gone  already! 
What  can  I  have  done  with  it?  "  Then  it  is  that  the 
neat,  unprejudiced  row  of  figures  stand  out  like 
sentinels  before  us  pointing  to  our  indiscretions! 

Every  boy  and  girl  is  better  for  having  this  ex- 
perience in  youth.  A  minute  account  of  how  his 
allowance  is  spent  is  a  valuable  training  to  the  mind, 
developing  the  memory,  teaching  quickness  in  fig- 
ures, accuracy,  and  also  increasing  that  wholesome 
kind  of  wisdom  which  comes  only  from  realizing 
his  mistakes. 

To  be  careless  about  money  is  more  than  a  mis- 
take. It  is  a  very  grave  fault,  for,  not  only  is  it 
insidious  and  harmful  to  ourselves,  but  sooner  or 
later  it  is  sure  to  involve  the  happiness  and  safety 
of  others.  Therefore,  I  think  it  is  never  too  soon 

104 


RESPONSIBILITY 

for  the  mother  who  wishes  to  see  her  children  de- 
velop into  honorable  men  and  women  to  begin  to 
teach  them  the  value  of  money,  the  important  place 
it  occupies  in  all  our  lives,  and  the  necessity  of  being 
scrupulous  to  a  fault  in  rendering  an  account  of 
every  penny  of  which  we  are  made  the  steward. 

There  is  no  training  better  for  the  child  than  the 
fixed  allowance  and  the  daily  keeping  of  the  small 
accounts.  It  induces  punctiliousness  and  precision 
of  character.  It  teaches  one  of  the  most  important 
lessons  of  life — prompt  attention  to  money  matters. 
It  is  doing  the  child  an  injustice  to  fling  a  careless 
dollar  at  his  feet  whenever  impulse  dictates,  re- 
quiring from  him  no  account  of  how  it  has  been 
spent,  but  perhaps  scolding  him  for  extravagance 
when  it  is  gone. 

The  regular  allowance,  however  small  it  may  be, 
is  a  great  factor  in  development,  for  it  begins  in  child- 
hood to  train  many  valuable  traits  of  character. 
Besides  this  it  is  a  great  pleasure.  There  is  no  joy 
like  the  joy  of  possession.  Children  yearn  to  own 
something.  A  small  coin  given  for  his  "  very  own  " 
is  the  keenest  delight  to  a  child,  always  provided 
his  pleasure  in  it  has  not  first  been  dulled  by  the  mis- 
fortune of  having  too  much. 

He  finds  his  greatest  happiness  in  self-expression. 
He  would  therefore  be  more  contented  to  receive  a 

105 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

small  allowance,  and  go  with  it  in  his  little  purse 
every  week  to  choose  some  long-coveted  toy,  than 
to  receive  perhaps  three  times  the  value  given  by  an 
indulgent  parent,  to  buy  a  toy  for  which  his  small 
heart  had  never  known  the  sweet  pang  of  desire. 

It  is  a  pity  to  take  away  this  pleasure  from  the 
child  by  giving  him  random  and  unsolicited  toys. 

Let  him  want  a  toy,  "  save  up  "  for  it,  earn  it, 
and  then  possess  it,  for  the  moral  struggle  which  is 
behind  such  an  accomplishment  constitutes  and  is  the 
very  core  of  joy. 

Indulgent  love,  the  foolish  love  of  weakness,  is 
to  the  child  what  a  sickening  twilight  would  be  to  the 
garden,  drawing  out  weak,  flowerless  stems  unable  to 
bear  either  the  heat  of  the  summer  or  the  frost  of 
winter,  and  holding  not  one  vital  element  upon  which 
the  baby  child  or  baby  plant  can  draw  for  the  nour- 
ishment it  needs. 

What  is  the  ideal  mother-love?  I  think  it  is, 
more  than  any  other  one  thing,  the  love  which  does 
not  do  for  the  child,  but  which  stimulates  the  child 
to  do  for  himself.  True  mother-love  must  have  wis- 
dom to  teach,  humility  to  learn,  and  patience  to  perse- 
vere in  the  face  of  every  difficulty.  It  must  have 
also  that  boundless  heavenly  gift  of  faithfulness 
which  Kipling  so  beautifully  describes  in  these  lines : 

106 


RESPONSIBILITY 

"  If  I  should  drown  in  the  deepest  sea 
I  know  whose  voice  would  come  down  to  me 
O,  Mother  o'mine,  O,  Mother  o'mine. 

"  If  I  should  hang  on  the  highest  hill 
I  know  whose  love  would  come  up  to  me  still 
O,  Mother  o'mine,  O,  Mother  o'mine. 

"  If  I  should  be  damned  in  both  body  and  soul 
I  know  whose  prayers  would  make  me  whole. 
O,  Mother  o'mine,  O,  Mother  o'mine." 

It  is  from  nurseries  in  which  love  like  this  has 
shone  that  the  world's  great  men  and  women  have 
gone  out  to  fight  their  glorious  battles  in  the  world. 
Each  one  has  been  the  unconscious  result  of  what 
his  mother  accomplished  for  him  and  with  him 
in  the  nursery  days.  He  will  fight  by  her  precepts 
and  wear  her  armor  until  his  dying  day. 

Then  one  other  thought.  It  is  not  only  for  the 
present  we  work,  but  for  the  future.  Who  has  not 
wandered  into  an  old  garden  and  been  overcome  by 
thoughts  of  those  who  loved  it  in  the  past  and  who 
have  left  in  it  so  precious  a  legacy  of  their  work! 
So  it  is  with  character.  It  pays  to  work  at  seed-time, 
for  only  then  can  the  future  glory  be  assured.  In 
forming  a  noble  child  the  nation  is  uplifted  and  the 
whole  racial  strain  improved.  We  work  not  only 
for  ourselves  and  for  the  joys  of  the  present  moment, 

107 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

but  for  the  future,  for  the  unborn  children  of  the 
nation,  for  the  race,  and  for  Heaven. 

"  Each  one  of  us  is  only  the  footing  up  of  a 
double  column  of  figures,"  says  Oliver  Wendell 
Holmes,  "  that  goes  back  to  the  first  pair.  Every 
unit  tells,  and  some  are  plus  and  some  are  minus. 
We  are  mainly  nothing  but  the  answers  to  a  long 
sum  in  addition  and  subtraction."  Such  words  as 
these  impress  rather  fearfully  upon  us  our  position 
as  parents  in  the  great  chain  of  life.  They  must 
make  us  realize  more  clearly  than  we  have  ever  done 
before  the  need  for  individual  worth,  that  we,  as 
mothers,  may  count  a  plus  and  not  a  minus  in  the 
great  final  summing  up. 

For  it  is  to  us  as  women,  as  mothers,  that  the 
gracious  task  of  handing  on  the  precious  lamp  of 
life  is  given,  it  is  we  who  forge  the  new  links  in 
the  unending  chain.  Will  our  child  be  a  plus  or  a 
minus  in  the  great  eventual  life  sum?  This  is  the 
question.  We  think  of  it  as  we  forge  the  new  link 
and  hammer  it  and  place  it  forever  where  it  is  to  be 
for  judgment  and  use  in  the  world.  The  forging 
which  we  do  in  the  nursery  must  be  done  to  one 
cry,  "  to-morrow," — for  it  is  out  in  the  world,  not 
here  in  safety  at  our  side,  that  the  worth  of  our 
little  one  shall  be  proven. 

The  best  thing  we  can  do  for  our  children  is 

108 


RESPONSIBILITY 

to  fit  them  for  to-morrow ;  the  only  real  thing  we  can 
do  for  them  is  to  so  build  to-day  that  they  will  be 
able  to  meet  their  lives  with  high  moral  and  physical 
endurance.  We  can  not  foresee  what  may  come  to 
them,  but  if  solid,  honest  strength  goes  into  the 
building  of  to-day,  the  future  must  profit.  If  we 
build  earnestly  and  thoughtfully  from  the  beginning, 
though  our  work  may  be  surrounded  by  sands,  the 
sand  will  take  the  shape  of  our  foundations  and 
through  everything  shifting  and  mistaken  there  will 
stand  firm  the  solid  strength  of  a  right  beginning. 


IX 
SCHOOL  DAYS 

"In  one  school  or  another,  including  the  great  school  of 
human  experience,  every  one  of  us  is  a  pupil  all  his  days. 
And,  indeed,  to  learn  and  be  trained  seems  to  be  the  purpose  of 
our  whole  experiment  with  life.  I  can  not  think  of  any  other 
adequate  reason  for  our  being  here." 

"  What  is  education  for  ?  To  teach  us  how  to  live ;  to 
develop  our  powers ;  to  teach  us  to  think ;  to  teach  u.s  to  find 
our  place  in  the  world,  to  find  out  what  to  do  and  how  to  do  it. 
Any  process  that  accomplishes  these  things  is  education." 

— E.  S.  MARTIN. 

"ONE  of  the  most  serious  reasons  for  giving 
children  tasks  and  urging  them  to  difficult  undertak- 
ings is  that  they  may  surely  learn  what  longing  is. 
The  desire  for  what  is  high  and  far  away — this  is 
the  heart  of  life.  The  desire  to  attain,  the  courage 
to  strive,  the  wisdom  to  desire  and  dare  well — these 
are  what  we  want  for  our  children." 

In  these  words,  Annie  Winsor  Allen  defines 
the  true  goal  of  education.  Too  often  we  think 
of  school  as  a  place  of  classes,  marks,  prizes, 
examinations,  standing,  whereas  in  reality  such 
things  have  little  to  do  with  education.  They  may 
even  obstruct  the  path  of  the  child's  effort  toward 
true  discovery  and  advance. 

no 


SCHOOL  DAYS 

The  aim  of  education  is  reached  when  there  has 
been  created  within  the  soul  of  the  child  for  all  time 
the  divine  hunger  for  what  is  "  high  and  far  away," 
coupled  with  such  development  of  mind  and  imag- 
ination as  will  enable  him  to  reach  out  and,  little  by 
little,  by  his  own  effort,  satisfy  his  desire. 

Happy  is  the  child  who  is  able  to  get  behind 
the  scenes  of  which  he  reads,  and  by  means  of  sympa- 
thy, imagination,  and  his  inherent  dramatic  instincts 
re-live  the  experiences  of  those  who  have  gone  be- 
fore and  who  have  made  history  and  the  intellectual 
world.  For  him  education  has  done  its  true  work. 

Education  is  a  drawing  out.  Let  us  substitute 
reach  for  teach.  If  a  child's  mind  is  a  portmanteau, 
as  some  one  has  said,  to  educate  is  not  to  pack  but 
to  unpack  it. 

It  is  not  our  business  to  crowd  into  the  child  a 
heterogeneous  mass  of  unrelated,  undigested  facts ;  it 
is  rather  to  nourish  and  draw  out,  to  remove  ob- 
stacles, to  help  him  to  perfect  and  develop  himself. 

We  can  begin  to  do  this  very  soon  in  his  life, 
as  a  kind  of  preparation.  But  education,  or  rather 
the  sending  of  the  child  to  school,  should  not  take 
place  before  he  is  seven. 

Yet  how  is  it  that  in  olden  times  the  child  of  five 
read  her  Bible  and  did  wonderful  samplers  of  the 
finest  needlework  ? 

ill 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Why  this  change,  some  one  may  ask,  and  have 
we  improved  upon  our  grandmothers  after  all? 

Indeed,  we  have  not  improved  upon  the  charming 
and  cultivated  women  of  a  generation  or  two  ago,  but 
the  conditions  under  which  we  live  have  changed,  and 
they  demand  less  strain  for  the  children  and  a  longer 
physical  preparation  before  definite  brain- work  is 
taken  up.  The  tension  and  effort  of  life  to-day  make 
it  imperative  to  save  the  child  from  being  caught 
in  the  whirlpool  of  nervous  endeavor  before  he  is 
physically  developed. 

To-day  if  the  child  is  to  be  efficient,  he  must  have 
health.  First  give  him  health  and  nervous  vitality, 
then  at  seven  or  eight  or  even  nine  turn  him  over 
to  the  school-master.  It  will  not  take  many  months 
for  his  ravenous  little  brain  to  absorb  all  that  other 
children  know  who  have  been  in  harness  for  perhaps 
several  years. 

The  danger  of  beginning  to  educate  children  too 
soon  is  that  harm  may  be  done  to  the  brain  in  its 
undeveloped  state.  Neither  may  the  child  have  de- 
veloped the  nervous  apparatus  which  is  necessary  if 
he  is  to  study.  Force  him  ever  so  little  in  this  stage 
and  he  is  sure  to  suffer. 

One  can  easily  see  the  result — excitability,  no 
physical  balance,  and  every  temperamental  difficulty 

112 


SCHOOL  DAYS 

accented  and  intensified.    And  this  because  his  nor- 
mal growth  has  been  interfered  with. 

In  a  recent  book  on  education  the  following  table 
is  given  :* 

School  Period  Duration  Age  of  Class 

Nursery .Infancy 3  years  .  .o,  1, 2 

Kindergarten  .  .Babyhood 4  years.  .3,  4,  5,  6 

Primary Preadolescence  ...  7  years.  .7,  8,  9, 10,  II,  12,  13 

Secondary Adolescence 4  years  .  .14, 15, 16, 17 

College Immaturity 4  years . .  18, 19,  20, 21 

For  mothers  who  have  time  to  give  to  their 
children,  and  who  have  the  assistance  of  a  nurse,  the 
two  first  periods  of  education  may  with  great  advan- 
tage be  merged  in  one. 

Where  home  provides  the  proper  environment, 
kindergarten  is  unnecessary.  It  is  often,  indeed, 
unadvisable,  for  there  is  a  possibility  of  over-strain, 
and  a  great  likelihood  of  harm  being  done  to  the 
eyes.  Up  to  seven  years  the  eyes  are  in  rather  a 
critical  stage  of  their  development,  and  sewing  on 
cards,  where  the  holes  are  small,  or  playing  at  any 
game  which  demands  quick,  correct  eyesight  may  be 
seriously  harmful. 

To  show  just  how  hard  it  is  to  get  any  real  hold 
of  children  in  the  kindergarten  period  of  their  de- 
velopment let  me  tell  of  a  little  girl  of  four,  who  re- 

*Home,  School  and  Vacation;  Annie  Winsor  Allen. 

8  113 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

cently  learned  to  form  the  letter  "  A  "  on  her  first 
day  at  a  little  private  school.  When  she  went  back 
to  school  the  next  day  she  got  out  her  slate  and  began 
to  write  "  A  " — but  the  teacher  explained  that  "  A  " 
was  only  the  beginning  and  that  she  must  now  go 
on  with  "  B  " — the  child  burst  into  tears.  She  could 
not  bear  the  thought  of  beginning  again.  It  was  a 
week  before  the  teacher  could  bring  the  nervous  little 
one  to  contemplate  "  B  "  without  a  shudder ! 

For  children  who  are  highly-strung  and  excitable 
it  is  not  wise  to  even  give  them  "  A  "  to  study,  and 
this  little  incident,  which  actually  happened  only  a 
few  weeks  ago,  caused  me  to  realize  as  never  before 
how  unready  the  child  of  four  or  five  is  for  teaching, 
even  the  kindest  and  most  sympathetic. 

Should  the  child,  then,  run  wild  until  he  is  seven? 
By  no  means!  His  energies  may  be  directed  by 
means  of  intelligent  play.  He  may  be  taught  how  to 
cut  out  with  blunt  scissors,  how  to  paste,  paint,  draw 
with  crayons,  and  he  may  be  read  to — these  train 
his  thought  and  stimulate  his  imagination  without 
his  knowing  it. 

For  many  parents  any  choice  in  the  matter  of 
school  is  quite  out  of  the  question.  When  the  time 
comes  for  the  average  child  to  be  educated  he  must 
go  where  other  children  of  the  neighborhood  go, 
and  he  must  get  what  he  can  by  means  directly  at  his 

114 


SCHOOL  DAYS 

hand.  Interference  with  the  curriculum  there  pro- 
vided is  impossible. 

But  in  families  where  the  school,  or,  better  still, 
the  teacher,  can  be  chosen,  let  the  mother  try  for 
results  that  will  enrich  her  child's  future,  not  for  the 
smaller  results  of  the  moment,  results  symbolized  by 
marks,  rewards,  and  class  "  standing." 

The  schoql  spirit  that  counts  is  the  spirit  which 
prompts  a  child  to  run  home  saying,  "  Mother,  we 
learned  the  most  interesting  thing  to-day,  did  you 
know — ,"  and  so  forth,  telling  of  enthusiasm  awak- 
ened along  some  broad  and  vital  line. 

The  school  spirit  which  says,  "  I  did  better  than 
all  the  others,  I  got  the  best  mark,"  is  not  the  spirit 
which  brings  big  results,  and  the  school  behind  such 
a  spirit  is  not  doing  its  best  work. 

A  modern  educator  voices  the  same  thought. 
"  Teaching  is  to  be  judged  not  by  method,  but  by 
the  condition  of  mind  that  it  produces  in  the  pupil. 
If  it  produces  wholesome  eagerness,  independence,' 
accuracy,  and  intellectual  modesty,  it  is  good  teach- 
ing. If  it  produces  apathy  or  nervousness,  mental 
attitudinizing  and  affectation,  thoughtless  repetition, 
servility  of  any  sort,  carelessness  or  bumptiousness,  it 
is  bad  teaching."  The  only  real  test  of  the  school  is 
the  pupil,  and  the  only  sure  way  for  the  mother  to 

115 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

know  what  the  school  she  has  chosen  is  really  like,  is 
to  watch  her  child. 

I  wonder  if  we  realize  how  greatly  the  mother's 
attitude  toward  school  can  influence! 

A  mother  once  habitually  excused  her  little  son 
from  school  for  days  at  a  time  because  she  fancied 
the  teacher  had  shown  favoritism  and  had  been 
unfair.  Did  she  foresee  the  effect  such  a  course 
would  have  upon  his  character?  Probably  not. 
His  insubordination  increased,  once  his  fancied  ills 
were  emphasized  by  his  mother's  sympathy,  and  he 
soon  became  so  distasteful  to  the  other  scholars,  and 
so  impossible  to  control,  that  it  was  found  necessary 
'to  remove  him  from  the  school.  A  succession  of 
tutors  "  completed  "  his  education. 

He  now  shows  as  a  grown  man  the  same  petulant, 
intolerant,  and  suspicious  characteristics  that  marked 
him  as  a  school-boy.  All  his  weak  traits  were  per- 
manently emphasized  by  his  mother's  false  attitude 
during  his  early  childhood.  Unconsciously,  probably 
with  the  best  intentions  in  the  world,  this  mother  had 
become  a  destructive  force  in  her  boy's  development. 

This  is  only  one  of  many  examples  showing  how 
much  the  mother's  attitude  has  to  do  with  the  child's 
success  at  school.  Many  things  come  to  boys  and  girls 
during  the  impressionable  years  of  their  school  life — 
many  more  things  than  lessons  learned  from  books. 

116 


SCHOOL  DAYS 

Children  are  continually  changing,  developing, 
receiving  new  impressions.  These  impressions  reach 
the  mother  only  after  they  have  filtered  through 
each  child's  own  undeveloped  intelligence,  and  in 
return,  in  his  mother's  face  he  reads  condemnation 
or  praise.  She  has  it  in  her  power  to  become  his 
greatest  teacher.  Her  manner  of  receiving  his  con- 
fidences, her  judgment  of  his  friends,  her  support  of 
his  school — these  count  more  than  can  be  expressed, 
and  the  mother's  attitude  toward  all  the  little  com- 
plexities of  school  life  influences  her  child's  progress 
most  definitely. 

It  is  natural  for  children  as  well  as  "  grown-ups  " 
to  have  periods  of  depression.  Every  child  is  sure 
to  feel  at  some  time  that  he  is  "  worked  to  death," 
"  too  tired  to  open  another  book,"  "  sick  of  every- 
thing," "  unappreciated,"  "  disliked."  It  is  at  this 
point  that  the  weak  mother  allows  her  sympathies  to 
be  preyed  upon.  Instead  of  infusing  new  courage 
she  submits  her  mind  also  to  depression,  and  robs 
her  child  by  her  very  expressions  of  tenderness  of 
what  little  strength  he  has  left. 

There  is  a  danger  in  too  much  expressed  sym- 
pathy. Before  commiserating  and  speaking  thought- 
less words,  try  reviving  the  child's  spirit  by  sending 
him  out  of  doors  for  a  long  play,  or  on  some  pleasant 
errand.  After  a  good  meal  and  a  brisk  walk  he  is 

117 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

very  likely  to  return  of  his  own  accord  to  his  books, 
and  the  whole  matter  blows  over  and  is  forgotten. 

But  if  the  depression  lasts,  and  the  lessons  seem 
insurmountable,  there  is  a  reason,  and  the  mother 
must  find  it  out.  The  child  may  be  graded  too  high, 
he  may  be  ill,  he  may  be  handicapped  by  poor  vision 
or  nervous  apprehension.  It  is  easy  to  investigate 
the  daily  record  of  her  child,  for  such  investigation 
is  welcomed  in  every  school.  The  teacher  must  be 
found  and  interviewed,  not  critically,  but  with  kind- 
ness, and  without  ill-feeling. 

I  have  often  heard  teachers  complain  that  so  little 
interest  is  taken  at  home  in  school  matters  and  that 
so  very  small  a  proportion  of  children  receive  any 
encouragement  whatsoever  from  home  or  parents  in 
their  school  work. 

For  this  reason,  if  for  no  other,  it  is  an  advan- 
tage to  the  child  if  the  mother  will  take  the  trouble 
to  keep  in  touch  with  his  school  life,  and  particu- 
larly if  she  will  come  to  know  his  teacher.  A  visit 
to  her  once  in  a  while,  a  little  friendly  talk,  a  word 
or  two  of  advice  concerning  the  child's  peculiarities 
of  disposition — these  may  work  wonders  for  him  by 
establishing  a  personal  relationship  between  himself 
and  his  teacher,  and  by  emphasizing  and  stimulating 
in  her  any  previous  interest  she  may  have  felt. 

By  several  yearly  conversations  with  the  teacher, 
118 


SCHOOL  DAYS 

the  mother  will  soon  get  a  clear  view  of  her  child's 
mental  and  moral  deficiencies.  It  is  probably  fear 
of  this  very  thing  that  keeps  many  mothers  away 
from  the  school  where  instinct  tells  them  their  child 
is  not  doing  his  best. 

It  is  easier  to  blame  the  teacher  for  unfairness 
and  favoritism  than  it  is  to  fight  with  the  child 
against  his  peculiarities.  Yet  who  is  to  defend  him 
from  his  faults  if  not  his  mother? 

Nor  must  we  forget  that  it  is  absolutely  necessary 
for  the  child's  teacher  to  have  some  support  if  any- 
thing real  is  to  be  accomplished.  The  mother  must 
be  the  teacher's  ally,  for  rebellion  and  insurrection 
are  sure  to  follow  if  she  takes  sides  with  the  younger 
power  against  authority.  However  strongly  the 
mother  may  feel  at  times  against  the  teacher,  in  her 
heart  of  hearts,  she  must  never  allow  the  child  to 
know.  She  must  support  the  teacher  before  the  child 
at  all  costs.  As  a  matter  of  form  and  discipline  this 
attitude  is  absolutely  necessary.  Allegiance  of  the 
two  powers — home  and  school — must  be  achieved 
if  the  child  is  to  be  a  success. 

Children  constantly  come  home  with  complaints. 
The  parents  condole  and  sympathize,  little  dreaming 
that  they  are  encouraging  open  rebellion.  By  this 
means  they  often  keep  alive  resentment  and  discon- 
tent, the  small  beginnings  of  which  they  should  in 

119 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

wisdom  have  turned  aside.  If  they  would  really 
help  there  is  no  surer  way  than  by  upholding  school 
discipline  and  the  teacher's  authority. 

"  Mother  thinks  it  was  very  unkind  of  teacher, 
and  so  do  I,"  has  been  the  beginning  of  innumerable 
school  tragedies.  If  parents  suspect  a  teacher  of  un- 
fairness a  few  quiet  words  outside  of  school  will 
probably  set  the  matter  straight.  But  the  child 
should  not  know  that  the  visit  has  been  made,  or  the 
words  spoken. 

Nothing  helps  a  child  more  substantially  to  sur- 
mount the  hard  places  of  school  life  than  the  firm 
support  of  his  parents.  Parents  who  are  unfaltering 
in  their  allegiance  to  the  school  spirit,  and  who  up- 
hold the  teachers  through  the  crises  and  climaxes  of 
the  school  year  have  their  reward,  for  they  are  sure 
to  see  the  best  results  the  system  is  capable  of  pro- 
ducing worked  out  in  their  children's  characters. 
Such  parents,  by  example,  incite  their  children  to  the 
same  high-grade  quality  of  obedience  and  confidence 
which  they  themselves  make  it  a  business  to  express. 

There  are  always  good  sides  to  every  school,  and, 
with  a  little  looking,  fine  qualities  to  be  found  in  all 
the  teachers.  Parents  can  do  much  by  speaking  of 
these.  There  is  no  discouragement  to  a  young  child 
greater  than  to  hear  from  his  parents'  lips  slighting 
or  jesting  remarks  about  his  school.  Without  loyalty 

120 


SCHOOL  DAYS 

and  enthusiasm  the  school  will  fail  in  some  mys- 
terious way  to  do  its  best  for  the  child,  and  the 
pupil  who  is  lukewarm  in  his  allegiance  will  draw 
very  little  upon  the  real  strength  of  its  guarded  inner 
life. 

One  of  the  greatest  trials  a  teacher  has  to  meet 
is  the  irregularity  of  pupils.  Irregularity  causes 
more  failures  in  school  life  than  any  other  one  thing. 

A  certain  amount  of  irregularity  is  of  course 
unavoidable.  Little  children  can  not  go  out  in  the 
winter  with  colds  and  coughs,  they  must  nurse  their 
sore  throats,  they  can  not  face  heavy  storms.  But 
this  is  not  the  irregularity  which  discourages  teachers 
almost  to  the  giving-up  point.  The  irregularity  of 
which  they  complain  is  chiefly  controlled  by  the 
parents.  It  is  the  parents,  then,  who  should  see  that 
no  cause  but  that  of  definite  illness  provides  children 
with  an  excuse  to  leave  school  early  or  to  miss  it 
altogether. 

A  morning  of  school  routine,  the  necessary  after- 
noon exercise,  and  the  preparation  of  lessons  before 
bedtime  (which  preparation  is  still  unfortunately 
demanded  by  many  schools)  about  fills  the  short  win- 
ter days,  yet  many  other  occupations  are  crowded  in 
by  parents  whose  love  seems  to  have  failed  in  prop- 
erly estimating  the  strength  and  endurance  of  their 
little  ones. 

121 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Not  long  ago  a  very  strong  plea  was  made  by  a 
leading  specialist  in  the  diseases  of  children  for  fewer 
distractions  outside  of  school.  He  placed  the  many 
engagements  of  growing  children  in  the  forefront  of 
the  causes  that  make  for  shattered  nerves.  He  stated 
that  the  modern  child  is  overloaded  with  claims  upon 
time,  strength,  and  vitality ;  that  it  is  impossible  for 
him  to  do  all  that  is  demanded  of  him  and  at  the 
same  time  do  any  kind  of  justice  to  the  legitimate 
demands  of  school. 

A  mother  was  heard  to  say  complacently  not 
many  days  ago :  "  My  little  girls  leave  school  early 
twice  a  week  to  learn  fancy  dancing.  They  are  so 
graceful,  I  just  love  to  see  them !  "  Another  mother 
boasted  this  last  winter,  that  her  children  had  been 
out  to  parties,  or  to  the  play,  or  to  dancing-class 
three  afternoons  of  every  week.  Still  another  men- 
tioned later  that  her  child  of  three  had  been  invited 
to  a  box-party  at  the  theatre ! 

Now,  is  not  this  unfair  to  the  child?  A  certain 
margin  must  be  saved  every  day  for  nothing  but  just 
natural  play  and  fun.  This,  together  with  the  de- 
mands of  school,  is  about  all  the  average  child  can 
accomplish  without  nervous  strain.  The  holidays 
and  the  long  summers  provide  leisure  for  gaiety,  the 
only  leisure  that  the  child  really  may  call  his  own, 
for  during  eight  months  in  the  year  school,  with  its 

122 


SCHOOL  DAYS 

necessary  relaxation,  demands  about  all  that  ne  has 
of  time  and  effort  if  he  gives  his  best. 

Encourage  the  child  to  talk  of  his  daily  experi- 
ences, but  beware  of  tale-bearing  and  gossip !  There 
is  a  vast  difference  between  animated  discussion  of 
the  happenings  of  school  life  and  that  most  unlovely 
trait  a  child  can  possess,  telling  tales.  The  mother 
can  not  afford  to  listen  to  tales.  She  must  get  her 
information  at  first  hand,  herself  studying  the  child's 
friends  and  teachers.  She  must  guard  herself  from 
any  temptation  to  listen  to  the  exaggerated  stories  he 
will  surely  bring  home  if  he  is  given  the  slightest 
encouragement 

It  sometimes  seems  that  the  child  for  whose  bene- 
fit the  modern  school  system  was  evolved  has  very 
little  to  do  in  the  matter  of  his  own  education,  that 
everything  is  done  for  him,  that  education  is  handed 
out  to  him,  as  it  were,  ready-made,  without  much 
effort  on  his  part ! 

Yet  there  are  a  few  things  the  child  has  to  do  for 
himself  if  his  school  career  is  to  be  successful.  He 
must  be  loyal  to  his  school  and  its  traditions,  obedient 
to  his  teachers,  and  conscientious  in  his  work.  No 
one  can  do  these  things  for  him.  In  the  youngest 
child  can  be  cultivated  a  sense  of  responsibility,  a 
realization  that  he  is  as  important  as  any  other 
pupil  in  the  school,  and  that  he  has  an  individual 

123 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

duty,  as  great  as  any  other  member  of  his  class, 
toward  keeping  up  the  school  standard. 

A  child  old  enough  to  go  to  school  is  old  enough 
to  do  his  best.  He  owes  it  to  his  teachers.  He  also 
owes  it  to  his  parents,  whose  intelligence  and  training 
he  represents  in  the  school  body-corporate  and  who 
have  given  him  advantages  and  opportunities  often 
at  great  personal  cost. 

There  has  been  a  reaction  lately  against  the  old 
method  of  home-study.  In  fact  some  of  the  rather 
advanced  schools  are  reorganizing  their  work,  that 
it  may  accord  more  nearly  with  the  later  theories 
offered  by  modern  educators. 

The  new  thought  in  regard  to  this  old  question 
seems  to  be  about  this:  The  young  of  all  species 
sleep  early,  relax,  play,  and  eat  before  sleeping. 
Therefore,  according  to  nature,  the  very  worst  time 
in  the  whole  day  in  which  to  do  any  work  requiring 
close  application  is  in  the  evening.  The  theory  is 
even  pushed  still  further;  work  done  at  the  end  of 
the  day  is  practically  dull  repetition  and  without 
results.  There  is  a  natural  fatigue  in  the  evening 
and  we  can  not  get  away  from  it.  Shall  we  urge  the 
children  to  struggle  against  it  ?  Modern  thought  em- 
phatically answers  "  no,"  that  such  struggle  is  harm- 
ful. The  nerve-cells  are  being  recreated  at  the  end 
of  the  day  and  to  push  them  on  to  effort  is  unwise. 

124 


SCHOOL  DAYS 

What,  then,  you  may  ask,  do  our  theorists  offer 
instead  of  the  evening  study-hour?  They  suggest 
a  better  mental  training  in  the  great  matter  of  con- 
centration, so  that  the  study-preparation  periods 
given  in  school  may  be  made  greater  use  of. 

Question  the  children  and  see  if  the  periods 
given  for  study  in  school  are  not  usually  frittered 
away  in  doing  a  host  of  unessential  things,  drawing, 
fixing  up  the  desk,  reading,  scribbling  surreptitious 
notes ! 

Two  study  periods  are  almost  always  given  in 
school,  and  often  more,  so  that  if  every  power  is 
alert  and  fresh,  if  concentration  is  cultivated,  and 
the  children  taught  to  make  use  of  it,  it  should  be 
easy  to  prepare  the  next  day's  work — certainly  in 
the  lower  grades. 

Better  work  at  school  and  no  work  at  home 
is  the  new  cry.  If  this  is  made  practicable,  is  found 
to  "  work,"  one  thing  is  sure  to  follow — fewer  ner- 
vous break-downs  from  over-study,  and  a  better 
grade  of  physical  fitness. 

The  strain  of  five  or  six  hours  of  school  is 
great,  particularly  to  those  children  who  are  the 
most  likely  to  work  too  hard  at  home. 

If  home-study  were  to  be  abolished  I  believe 
the  difficult  things,  the  things  that  really  count,  the 
heart  and  kernel  of  education,  would  be  easier  to 

125 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

secure,  and  in  the  securing  leave  no  scar  of  wearied 
brain  and  broken  health  behind. 

For  the  child  who  is  still  following  the  old  plan  of 
studying  at  home,  every  facility  should  be  given  him 
to  make  his  application  to  his  work  as  easy  as  pos- 
sible. A  convenient  table,  a  good  light,  a  quiet  room, 
plenty  of  fresh  air !  These  help  the  weary  little  brain 
to  accomplish  its  task,  and  enable  the  fagged  and 
drooping  body  to  continue  its  part. 

Too  often  the  child  is  allowed  to  study  in  the 
same  room  where  other  people  are  talking  and  laugh- 
ing, under  a  poor  light,  with  his  books  held  upon  his 
lap,  or  painfully  up  before  his  tired  eyes. 

It  is  generally  thought  not  to  be  a  good  thing  for 
the  mother  to  study  with  her  child  except  very  occa- 
sionally, if  he  is  greatly  over-tired,  or  the  task  seems 
temporarily  beyond  his  strength.  She  is  fulfilling 
her  duty  if  she  provides  him  with  a  well-aired,  well- 
lighted  room,  and  sees  that  he  goes  there  regularly 
to  prepare  his  lessons  for  the  coming  day.  He  will 
be  the  better  for  meeting  and  overcoming  his  diffi- 
culties alone. 

It  is  always  a  cause  of  anxiety  to  parents  if  their 
child  does  not  seem  to  advance  as  rapidly  as  do  his 
friends.  Development  is  a  strange  thing,  and  it  must 
be  remembered  that  brilliancy  in  childhood  is  largely 
temperamental  and  often  means  nothing  at  all.  We 

126 


SCHOOL  DAYS 

see  the  proverbs  of  the  "  Tortoise  and  the  Hare  " 
worked  out  again  and  again,  and  the  child  who  is 
earnest  and  who  plods  faithfully  on  is  he  who  is 
likely  to  make  the  highest  record  at  the  end  of  the 
course.  Superficial  brilliancy  is  attractive,  and  we, 
weak  human  mothers  that  we  are,  envy  it,  but  it  is 
not  a  sound  characteristic  to  find.  It  does  not  wear 
and  is  usually  coupled  with  extreme  nervousness 
and  may  even  have  for  its  background  a  shallow 
nature  without  any  true  or  lasting  inward  power. 

And,  is  not  the  so-called  backward  child  often 
only  the  sensitive  child,  misunderstood?  The  ten- 
dency of  the  sensitive  child  is  to  allow  himself  to  be 
pushed  to  the  wall,  and  once  out  of  the  usual  line 
of  progress  along  which  the  other  children  of  the 
school  are  placidly  walking,  he  suffers  greatly. 

The  sensitive  child  feels  keenly  each  blunder  or 
mistake,  and  he  is  always  ready  to  believe  any  one 
who  tells  him  that  he  has  done  wrong  or  is  stupid. 

I  heard  this  very  pathetic  story  the  other  day: 
A  teacher  had  just  lately  been  engaged  to  give  some 
private  lessons  to  a  very  sweet  little  girl  of  ten.  The 
child's  mother  hinted  that  she  was  "  backward,"  and 
that  it -was  because  of  this  that  the  extra  tutoring 
was  necessary.  Imagine  the  teacher's  despair  when 
she  found,  after  a  few  lessons,  that  she  could  not 
even  get  the  child  to  listen  to  her  various  explana- 

127 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

I  can't  learn  it ;  I  can't,  I  can't ! "  said  the 
child,  hiding  her  face  in  her  arms.  "  Daddy  says  I'm 
dumb,  and  I  am  dumb,  and  I  can't  learn  it !  " 

It  was  only  after  weeks  of  the  most  careful  and 
sympathetic  assistance  that  this  child's  distrust  of 
self  was  overcome.  Finally  by  praise  and  encourage- 
ment the  teacher  did  overcome  it,  and  she  ended  her 
story  by  saying  that  it  was  really  pathetic  to  see  how 
the  little  girl's  nature  seemed  to  rebound  like  a  young 
tree  which  has  been  released  from  an  unnatural 
weight,  when  she  began  to  realize  that  she  was  not 
dumb  and  could  learn  just  as  well  as  anybody  else. 

The  child  in  this  story  had  had  her  whole  life 
clouded  because  of  the  careless  words  of  an  adored 
father.  That  daddy  should  think  her  dumb  and  say 
that  he  thought  so,  hopelessly  crippled  every  effort 
she  put  forth  to  try  to  make  something  of  herself. 

To  many  children  snubs  or  criticisms  of  this  kind 
would  not  mean  anything,  or  at  worst  would  only 
go  skin-deep,  but  to  the  sensitive,  harsh  criticism  or 
even  careless  criticism,  paralyzes  in  every  branch  of 
development,  until  at  last,  pushed  into  the  back- 
ground of  life,  such  children  stand  sadly  apart,  cold, 
uncomforted,  and  unhappy  until  drawn  out  again 
into  the  natural  current  of  development  by  the  love 
and  warmth  of  some  one  who  understands. 

"  Temperament  is  the  controlling  factor  in  every 

128 


SCHOOL  DAYS 

life,  the  unchangeable  center  round  which  character 
is  built/*  and  probably  no  phase  of  temperament  is 
as  difficult  to  handle  as  sensitiveness. 

The  first  thing  to  do  for  the  sensitive  child  is 
to  try  to  recreate  in  him  belief  in  himself.  Help  him 
along  his  difficult  path  by  the  encouragement  of 
praise  whenever  you  can  justly  give  it.  Never  let 
such  a  child  think  that  he  can  not  do  what  other 
children  do,  or  is  not  as  attractive  as  other  children 
are.  It  is  fatal  for  him  to  hear  his  weaknesses  spoken 
of  by  those  he  loves  and  wishes  to  please. 

It  would  be  far  better  to  strike  a  sensitive  child 
outright  than  to  give  him  the  wounds  of  a  snub  such 
as  this :  "  You  had  better  stay  home  next  time,  you're 
the  most  awkward  thing  I  ever  saw,"  or  "  I'm 
ashamed  to  walk  along  the  street  with  you,  you're  so 
tall  and  lanky,"  or  "  can't  you  talk  ?  you  haven't 
said  a  word  the  whole  evening."  Remarks  like  these 
from  a  much-loved  mother  or  father  are  like  sharp 
knives  in  the  heart  of  the  sensitive  child,  and  instead 
of  helping  him  to  be  less  awkward,  or  to  carry  his 
unfortunate  height  more  gracefully,  or  to  be  a  better 
conversationalist,  they  absolutely  petrify  his  efforts 
and  render  him  more  helpless  than  before. 

Shield  the  sensitive  child  from  criticism  and 
fault-finding  as  carefully  as  you  would  shield  a  deli- 
cate baby  from  the  snows  of  winter.  Remember  that 

9  129 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

every  word  you  say  to  him  sinks  down  into  his  heart, 
for  he  is  fearfully  handicapped.  Temperamentally 
he  can  not  throw  things  off  lightly  or  forget  unkind 
words,  and  this  is  not  his  own  fault.  He  is  to  be 
pitied  and  helped  rather  than  teased  or  blamed. 

Over-sensitiveness  is  often  only  a  mark  of  imma- 
turity, and  if  the  child  is  treated  humanely  and 
kindly  for  the  few  years  when  he  is  trying  to  find 
himself  amid  the  many  distractions  of  his  new  and 
unknown  personality,  he  will  suddenly  wake  up  as 
from  a  bad  dream,  leaving  his  unhappy  sensitiveness 
behind  with  his  toy-horse  and  outgrown  pinafores. 

But  it  is  quite  possible  for  mismanagement  dur- 
ing the  sensitive  years  to  leave  scars  and  hurts  for 
life,  and  there  are  many  grown  men  and  women  to- 
day who  shrink  from  the  very  names  of  persons  who 
tortured  and  distressed  them  as  children. 

A  step  behind  the  sensitive  child  stands  the  really 
backward  child.  Until  recently  there  has  been  no 
way  of  writing  or  speaking  of  a  case  of  mental  defi- 
ciency in  exact  terms,  or  of  grading  such  a  case. 
We  have  been  very  vague  indeed  heretofore  as  to 
exactly  what  we  meant  by  "  backward,"  "  retarded/' 
"  defective,"  and  like  terms.  But  now  with  the 
invention  of  Professor  Binet's  scheme  of  gradation 
and  classification,  the  various  ages  are  used  as  mile- 
stones, and  the  degrees  of  intelligence  normal  to 

130 


SCHOOL  DAYS 

each  age  have  been  so  carefully  studied  as  to  be  safe, 
we  now  think,  for  general  use.  Professor  Binet  has 
devised  eleven  groups  of  tests,  each  group  applicable 
to  one  year  of  the  ages  between  three  and  thirteen. 
If  the  child  answers  the  tests  set  for  his  age,  he  is 
normal.  If  he  answers  only  those  intended  for  a 
year  earlier,  he  is  one  year  behind  his  age.  If  he  can 
only  answer  the  test  questions  three  years  behind  his 
age,  he  is  classed  among  defectives.  These  tests 
may  aid  a  teacher  in  studying  the  mental  phases  of 
childhood,  but  most  emphatically  should  they  not  be 
used  by  the  mother  or  with  any  sense  of  finality,  or 
ever  for  scientific  purposes,  except  by  an  experienced 
psychologist.  Anything  like  exactitude  in  results 
can  only  be  obtained  by  the  expert,  not  by  the 
amateur. 


AMUSEMENT 

"  You  must  struggle  or  you  will  degenerate — even  if  only 
with  rhyme  or  counterpoint,  not  necessary  for  bread.  '  Effort 
is  the  law/  as  Ruskin  said;  whether  for  a  livelihood  or  for 
enjoyment.  Living  things  are  the  product  of  the  struggle  for 
existence ;  we  are  thus  evolved  strugglers  by  constitution :  and 
directly  we  cease  to  struggle  we  forfeit  the  possibilities  of  our 
birthright." 

"  Thou,  O  God,"  says  Leonardo, "  hast  given  all  good  things 
to  man  at  the  price  of  labor." 

A  WELL-KNOWN  teacher,  when  asked  to  define 
in  six  words  the  most  serious  omission  in  the  modern 
education  of  the  child,  replied :  "  The  failure  to  train 
childhood's  imagination." 

Yet,  with  the  best  intention,  how  are  we  to  en- 
courage and  sustain  in  children  their  unique  and 
fertile  power  of  "  make  believe/'  in  this  age,  when 
mechanical  devices  to  provide  pleasure  "  ready- 
made  "  confront  us  on  every  side  ? 

There  was  a  time  when  boys  had  to  invent  their 
toys,  even  shaping  them  with  their  own  hands,  and 
little  girls  had  home-made,  home-dressed  dolls.  Do 
you  imagine  for  an  instant  that  there  was  less  play 

132 


AMUSEMENT 

then,  less  fun  and  fewer  games  ?  Indeed,  no !  The 
child  holds  priceless  within  himself  the  power  to 
create,  adapt,  discover,  plan,  contrive.  Even  without 
a  single  toy  he  is  happy,  for  he  can  invent  a  host 
of  friends,  and  act  out  unaided  a  thousand  thrilling 
games. 

Why  spoil  this  power  which  has  been  the  crown 
and  glory  of  childhood  since  the  world  began? 

Yet  how  seldom  we  find  courage  to  pursue  the 
simplicity  of  this  ideal !  We  can  not  shake  ourselves 
free  from  the  thought  that  children  profit  by  what 
is  bought  for  them,  by  the  bulk  of  advantage  and 
opportunity  handed  out  to  them  regardless  of  what 
they  contribute  from  within. 

In  fact,  be  the  child  rich  or  poor,  it  is  only  in 
as  much  as  he  quickens  with  his  own  spirit  the  dry 
materials  of  his  life  that  he  begins  to  grow.  Only 
in  proportion  as  he  gives  out  the  priceless  qualities 
of  service  and  struggle  does  he  advance.  It  is  not 
enough  to  buy  him  advantages;  he  must  use  them, 
convert  them  to  spiritual  ends  by  consecrating  him- 
self, in  service,  to  his  generation. 

Children  gain  nothing  by  "  being  amused,"  for 
only  through  the  golden  gate  of  play  and  pretend  will 
they  enter  the  real  kingdom  of  their  youth. 

Even  as  a  baby  the  child  may  be  taught  to  lie 

133 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

out  on  a  rug  upon  the  floor,  and  play  for  hours 
with  his  toys,  allowing  his  mother  full  freedom  of  the 
too-short  hours.  This  habit  if  begun  in  time  grows 
as  the  child  grows,  until  at  last  it  is  one  of  the  strong- 
est forces  in  his  life.  He  is  independent  of  others, 
for  he  has  his  joys  within  himself,  and  a  richness 
born  of  inventive  play  conies  into  his  life.  His 
imagination  is  developed.  .  '„  . 

It  is  a  mistaken  kindness  to  amuse  a  child,  study 
for  him,  play  with  him,  and  use  our  will-power  and 
initiative  where  he  should  be  learning  to  use  his. 
Throw  him  back  upon  himself  that  his  imagination 
may  grow.  The  power  to  see,  grasp,  and  use  little 
things  is  what  has  made  men  and  women  great 
throughout  the  ages. 

We  may  often  be  comforted  by  the  thought  that 
the  finest  characters  and  the  greatest  geniuses  have 
had  no  worldly  advantage,  and  the  very  least  of  what 
we  call  "  opportunity." 

Never  by  external  advantages,  by  amusement,  by 
pleasure,  will  we  be  able  to  make  children  anything, 
though  we  may  sometimes  be  able  to  help  them  after 
they  have  first  learned  to  help  themselves. 

The  priceless  thing  we  can  do  for  them  is  to 
create  within  their  souls  in  childhood  a  certain  power, 
almost  mysterious,  which  enables  them  to  draw  from 
their  surroundings  whatever  may  there  be  hid  of 

134 


AMUSEMENT 

enlightenment  and  strength;  a  power  full  of  imag- 
ination and  faith  by  means  of  which  they  are  able  to 
rise  gradually  to  great  things  upon  the  silent  drudg- 
ery of  every  day.  It  is  this  power  to  see  and  use 
little  things  which  has  made  the  seer,  the  prophet,  the 
artist,  the  poet,  and  will  go  on  making  such  out  of 
those  little  children  who  are  growing  up  at  our  side 
to-day. 

As  I  write  I  think  of  several  persons  it  has  been 
my  privilege  to  know,  who  have  by  imagination  and 
this  same  inner  faith,  wrested  every  shred  of  mental 
and  spiritual  nourishment  from  their  surroundings, 
with  the  result  that  from  apparently  nothing  they 
have  made  of  themselves  pillars  of  spiritual  strength 
and  usefulness. 

This  power  can  be  strengthened  in  a  child  by 
teaching  him  to  be  self-reliant,  by  helping  him  at 
every  turn  to  use  his  own  powers,  never  allowing 
other  persons  to  do  for  him  that  which  he  should 
do  for  himself,  and  by  endeavoring  to  draw  and 
strengthen — never  to  repress — the  personal  in  him. 

We  can  not  avoid  multiplicity.  A  very  mass  of 
detail  has  been  thrown  in  our  way.  The  ease  with 
which  we  shop,  the  installment  plan,  the  telephone, 
the  subway,  the  department  store,  all  complicate  life 
and  increase  its  tension.  The  cheap  automobile  has 

135 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

opened  whole  areas  of  opportunity  for  people  with- 
out much  money. 

With  all  this  has  come  a  new  desire  to  crowd 
as  much  into  each  day  as  we  can.  It  is  so  "  easy  " 
to  do  things,  to  make  plans,  to  buy,  to  get  around. 
And  this  has  its  effect  upon  the  children. 

We  must  have  our  brains  "  set  to  understand  the 
necessity  of  elimination  "  for  ourselves  and  for  our 
children  if  we  and  they  are  to  exist.  Elimination  is 
quite  as  important  in  pleasure  as  it  is  in  work. 

The  over-stimulated  child,  so  common  a  sight  in 
America,  where  there  is,  as  some  one  has  said,  a  very 
"  congestion  of  opportunity "  set  to  ensnare  him, 
is  in  himself  a  pathetic  witness  to  the  fact  that  his 
parents9  affectionate  "  pleasure-cramming  "  has  not 
worked  to  his  good ! 

What  is  over-stimulating  a  child  ? 

It  is  buying  him  ready-made  pleasures,  giving 
him  artificial  amusement,  handing  out  to  him  toys, 
games,  and  entertainment,  in  no  way  evolved  from 
his  own  consciousness,  or  the  result  of  his  own 
effort.  Nothing  will  so  quickly  hamper  his  develop- 
ment as  will  having  too  many  pleasures  and  too 
much  to  do,  too  many  opportunities,  too  much  pur- 
chased "  fun." 

Parties,  the  theatre,  and  moving  pictures  should 
be  spread  very  thin  in  childhood;  toys  and  games 

136 


AMUSEMENT 

given  with  discretion.  I  know  a  certain  young 
mother  who,  after  the  children  are  in  bed  on  Christ- 
mas night,  steals  down  to  the  deserted  tree  and  takes 
away  whole  armfuls  of  "  undesirable "  toys.  At 
least  so  she  designates  them,  and  the  artificial  dolls, 
the  jumping  rabbits,  the  elaborate  devices  to  afford 
ready-made  amusement  are  put  quickly  out  of  sight. 

It  is  indeed  wise  to  have  a  censorship  of  the  play- 
things that  come  into  the  nursery.  Mechanical  toys 
destroy  the  imagination.  Toys  should  in  a  simple 
and  direct  fashion  point  out  to  the  child  the  path 
ahead — the  path  which  leads  to  useful  manhood 
and  womanhood,  not  to  an  enervated,  purposeless, 
over-indulged  youth. 

Play  can  and  should  be  one  of  life's  great  teach- 
ers. Play  is  the  outward  expression  of  surplus 
energy.  Some  modern  theorists  emphasize  its  in- 
stinctive character.  They  tell  us  that  children  use 
in  their  every-day  play  the  same  powers  that  their 
ancestors  used  in  getting  food,  in  subduing  enemies, 
in  keeping  house  and  in  caring  for  the  little  ones. 
Each  of  these  instinctive  qualities,  to  become  so 
valuable  as  the  years  pass  on,  has  its  first  expression, 
its  development,  and  its  perfection,  by  means  of 
play,  lying  thus  in  the  safe  back-waters  of  existence 
until  life  shall  demand  its  serious  help. 

Play  looked  upon  in  this  light,  as  an  instinctive 

137 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

means  of  preparation  for  life,  takes  on  a  more  in- 
teresting aspect,  and  we  realize  that  in  directing  play 
we  are  not  misspending  energy,  but  helping  in  the 
formation  of  character. 

So,  do  not  interfere  much  with  the  children's 
play  for  the  first  six  years  of  their  life  by  buying 
them  elaborate  toys.  The  more  instinctive  play  is 
allowed  to  be,  the  better.  Let  them  depend  upon 
their  own  resources,  and  learn  early  in  their  little 
lives  to  look  for  amusement  within  themselves. 

Imagination,  as  the  basis  of  play,  reaches  its 
height  at  about  six  or  seven,  after  which  children 
begin  to  use  thought.  Games  which  demand  intellect 
then  become  popular  and  the  more  difficult  the  con- 
tests the  more  interested  the  children  are,  showing 
that  imagination  and  intellect  are  beginning  to  work 
together,  which  is  as  it  should  be.  This  team-work 
in  the  building  of  character  can  never  take  place  in 
children  who  have  been  automatically  fed  out  ready- 
made  amusement  and  artificial  play. 

We  have  more  to  consider  than  the  mere  quality 
of  amusement,  important  as  this  is,  we  want  amuse- 
ment or  play  to  be  adapted  to  the  age  and  mental 
development  of  the  child,  so  that  the  pleasure  of 
achieving  success  in  certain  games  or  occupations, 
and  of  overcoming  their  difficulties,  may  not  be 
dimmed  by  mental  fatigue. 

138 


AMUSEMENT 

For  instance,  a  child  who  could  cross-stitch  nicely 
would  be  probably  greatly  depressed  by  her  efforts  to 
embroider,  and  a  boy  who  could  ride  a  pony  and  feel 
properly  exhilarated  and  manly  in  so  doing,  might 
be  thrown  from  a  horse  and  even  feel  himself  a 
coward.  Before  allowing  the  children  to  take  up 
a  sport  or  game  it  is  wise  to  be  sure  that  the  develop- 
ment and  mental  strength  of  each  is  equal  to  its  de- 
mands. Much  harm  has  been  done  by  making  play 
difficult,  and  by  influencing  children  to  try  to  do 
things  outside  the  limit  of  their  development. 

Children  have  a  right  to  a  certain  amount  of  suc- 
cess as  the  result  of  effort.  Effort  without  success 
paralyzes  initiative.  One  of  the  great  results  of 
the  new  movement  of  measurement  in  education  is  to 
insure  to  every  child  the  value  of  being  able  to  see 
the  success  of  his  efforts.  The  development  of  each 
child  is  measured  by  certain  mental  tests,  he  is  only 
given  work  that  he  can  do,  and  do  well.  This  theory 
can  be  excellently  applied  to  amusement. 

A  realization  that  some  children  fatigue  much 
more  easily  than  others  should  help  the  mother  in 
a  wise  regulating  of  their  amusements.  I  have  fre- 
quently heard  teachers  complain  of  wandering 
thoughts  in  the  school-room,  yet  as  a  matter  of  fact, 
those  who  have  made  a  scientific  study  of  the  child 
say  that  little  children  in  the  first  grade  at  school 

139 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

can  not  concentrate  upon  one  thing  without  rest  or 
change  for  more  than  ten  minutes,  and  that  the 
ability  to  devote  attention  increases  very  gradually 
indeed,  reaching,  even  in  the  highest  grades,  only 
a  stretch  of  forty  or  fifty  minutes.  There  seems  to 
be  quite  a  difference  in  the  amount  of  attention  a 
child  can  give  without  fatigue,  and,  as  amusements 
should  never  be  carried  beyond  the  point  of  physical 
weariness,  each  child  requires  special  study,  his  play 
hours  and  amusements  gauged  accordingly. 

I  took  two  little  girls  not  long  ago  to  an  outdoor 
representation  of  Robin  Hood.  As  the  play  pro- 
gressed it  was  easily  seen  that  what  turned  out  to 
be  a  profitable  amusement  for  one  only  fatigued 
and  exhausted  the  other.  Try  as  we  may,  every  child 
demands  individual  study.  A  benefit  to  one  child 
may  prove  only  a  snare  to  another,  and  our  plans  for 
the  development  of  each  must  of  necessity  stand 
ready  to  be  diminished  or  accented  at  a  moment's 
notice. 

There  is  a  natural  tendency  in  the  child  to  con- 
tract and  draw  back  into  himself  when  he  is  not 
understood,  or  if  he  is  given  too  much  to  do,  just  as 
there  is  the  same  natural  tendency  in  him  to  expand 
and  advance  when  the  stimuli  of  his  life  are  favorable 
and  sympathetic. 

Only  the  mother  can  apply  the  "  right  stimuli 

140 


AMUSEMENT 

at  the  right  time  " ;  she  realizes  instinctively  that  the 
home  is  the  very  best  place  in  which  a  child  can  pos- 
sibly mature.  Nowhere  does  he  run  less  risk  of  meet- 
ing abrupt  discouragement  or  the  fatal  effect  of  too 
little  definite  control. 

As  the  child  progresses  he  is  sure  to  go  through  a 
phase  which  we  may  call  the  passion  of  ownership. 
While  under  it  he  "  collects  "  everything.  Do  not 
laugh  or  snub  him,  for  it  is  a  deeply  implanted  human 
trait,  this  desire  to  possess !  Ownership  is  one  of  the 
keenest  of  man's  joys,  but  ownership  which  is  not  in 
some  way  connected  with  labor  and  effort  is  robbed 
of  half  its  glory — teach  the  children  this — and  that  it 
is  the  act  of  collecting,  not  the  things  collected,  which 
gives  possession  its  lasting  joy. 

Ownership,  to  mean  anything  real,  can  not  be 
enjoyed  apart  from  labor  and  effort.  It  is  only 
after  we  have  striven  that  we  taste  true  joy.  Stanley 
Hall  speaks  thus  of  the  glorification  of  work :  "  Here 
lies  the  true  value  of  manual  training  in  our  schools ; 
that  the  child  may  learn  how  much  more  valuable  is 
the  article  which  he  had  made  with  his  own  hands 
by  his  own  labor.  It  gives  a  knowledge  from  whence 
the  sweetness  of  possession  derives  its  source.  The 
technique  is  of  practical  use,  the  learning  how  is 
valuable,  but  much  more  valuable  is  it  for  the  child 
to  learn  the  divinity  of  labor.  No  one  who  has 

141 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

worked  with  hammer  and  saw,  and  learned  how  rich 
in  pleasure  is  the  possession  of  an  article  derived 
from  hard  labor,  can  consider  work  a  degradation. 
It  puts  the  child  in  sympathy  with  labor  and  the 
laborer.  Looked  at  from  this  point  of  view,  no  one 
factor  has  greater  possibilities  of  developing  the 
child  than  that  of  manual  training.  It  puts  the  child 
in  sympathy  with  men.  He  rubs  in  large  grains  of 
the  stuff  we  call  humanity,  and  for  this  reason  it 
is  essential  that  the  child  should  be  allowed  to  make 
things  he  wants  and  also  that  the  things  made  should 
belong  to  him." 

So  when  the  children  clamor  for  tools,  for  books 
in  which  to  "  collect,"  or  for  boxes  in  which  to  hoard 
their  little  treasures,  try  to  see  in  their  immature 
and  primitive  efforts  a  manifestation  of  the  psychol- 
ogy of  ownership,  and  let  them  work  with  their 
hands  that  they  may  later  enjoy  with  all  their  highest 
nature. 

The  precious  force  of  individuality  will  surely 
pour  itself  into  some  such  channel  as  I  have  indi- 
cated, a  preparation  in  a  small,  obscure,  and  halting 
way,  for  the  bigger  creative  actions  of  later  life, 
realize  that  it  is  most  natural  for  it  so  to  do,  and 
that  the  child's  great  demand  of  his  mother  is  sym- 
pathy and  a  safe  place  in  his  home  for  self- 
expression. 

142 


AMUSEMENT 

Perhaps  I  should  not  have  been  shocked — but  I 
admit  it  that  I  was — to  hear  a  lovely  young  mother 
say  the  other  day,  "  My  children  go  to  the  '  movies  ' 
in  the  village  every  afternoon;  they  drive  the  pony 
down  themselves  and  stay  for  hours."  Moving 
pictures,  the  handmaid  and  tool  of  the  age,  though 
all  right  at  their  best,  are  quite  as  great  in  perverting 
innocence  as  they  are  in  instructing  ignorance.  And 
to  be  quite  honest,  as  usually  seen,  are  they  not  a 
sickly  food  for  children,  without  true  nourishment, 
and  do  not  the  very  qualities  which  make  a  film  suc- 
cessful provide  an  atmosphere  of  unnatural  excite- 
ment and  unhealthy  nervous  tension? 

Take  the  boys  and  girls  to  see  a  really  good  play 
once  in  a  while,  but  not  often,  lest  they  exhaust 
in  youth  those  pleasures  which  are  meant  to  enrich 
their  later  life.  Children  are  essentially  dramatic. 
They  rival  in  their  own  imagination  the  wildest 
photo-play  ever  yet  conceived.  A  very  few  good 
plays  spread  over  all  the  years  of  childhood  are 
sufficient  to  direct  their  dramatic  sense,  and  to  create 
what  we  call  taste. 

"  The  last  few  years  have  been  epoch-making 
in  the  attitude  of  the  public  toward  recreation/'  says 
Lee  F.  Hanmer  in  a  recent  lecture  on  "  Fundamentals 
in  Play  and  Recreation."  "  A  new  light  has  broken. 
We  have  discovered  that  the  right  development  of 

143 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

our  boys  and  girls  comes  only  by  serious  thought 
and  self-sacrificing  toil.  We  are  convinced  that  it  is 
much  better  to  form  than  to  reform ;  that  attention 
should  be  given  to  the  causes  of  wrong-doing,  and 
thus  avoid  the  necessity  of  dealing  with  the  soul- 
harrowing  results.  The  day  of  positive  suggestion 
instead  of  repression  is  at  hand.  Instead  of  '  Thou 
shalt  not '  the  word  is  *  Thou  shalt/  Instead  of 
focusing  effort  upon  the  suppression  of  an  unde- 
sirable pastime,  the  desired  end  is  accomplished  by 
promoting  recreation  that  is  wholesome  and 
attractive." 

The  mid-Victorian  youth  with  his  emaciated 
features,  flowing  hair  and  ready  tears  is  no  more. 
Gone  also  is  the  queen  of  the  novels  of  long  ago, 
she  who,  a  mass  of  weak  sentimentalism  and  wishy- 
washy  romance,  reclined  upon  her  sofa  and  ruled 
the  destinies  of  man.  The  day  of  flabby  moral  and 
mental  life  is  over.  In  fact,  the  day  of  weakness  in 
any  department  of  life  is  over.  "  Thou  shalt  "  is  in- 
deed the  great  cry  of  our  age. 

It  is  bone  and  sinew  we  look  for  to-day.  It  is  that 
quality  which  in  common  words  enables  youth  to 
"  make  good  "  that  our  children  must  have  if  they 
are  to  endure.  This  they  can  get  only  by  being 
fed  from  the  nursery  upon  food  that  is  life-giving. 
Their  bodies  grow  according  to  what  they  eat. 

144 


AMUSEMENT 

Their  minds  grow  also  just  as  surely  in  proportion  to 
the  kind  of  stuff  we  put  in  their  way.  This  they 
absorb  and  convert  into  the  bone  and  sinew  of  the 
mind. 

Amusement  and  play  are  not  negligible.  They 
may  be  made  powerful  helps  in  child-training.  It 
pays  to  understand  just  how  greatly  they  may  help, 
and  to  use  them  in  assisting  the  child  to  reach  the 
stage  of  highest  efficiency. 


10 


XI 

BOOKS  FOR  CHILDREN 

"  Consider  what  you  have  in  the  smallest  chosen  library. 
A  company  of  the  wisest  and  wittiest  men  that  could  be  picked 
out  of  all  civil  countries  in  a  thousand  years  have  set  in  best 
order  the  results  of  their  learning  and  wisdom.  The  men 
themselves  were  hid  and  inaccessible,  solitary,  impatient  of 
interruption,  fenced  by  etiquette;  but  the  thought  which  they 
did  not  uncover  to  their  bosom  friend  is  here  written  out  in 
transparent  words  to  us,  the  strangers  of  another  age." 

— EMERSON. 

PHILOSOPHY,  Plato  tells  us,  begins  with  wonder. 

Wonder,  the  seed  of  all  intellectual  life,  is  planted 
in  every  heart.  Almost  as  soon  as  the  nature  of  the 
little  child  begins  to  unfold  are  manifested  its  pure 
white  buds.  Wonder  is  in  very  truth,  the  beginning 
of  all  things. 

The  child's  whole  attitude  toward  life  is  one  of 
supreme  effort  to  draw  into  his  soul  new  things. 
He  goes  forward  with  an  ecstasy  of  eagerness  to 
seize  upon  new  experiences,  and  to  make  them  his 
own. 

Childhood  is  characterized  by  a  great  hunger  of 
the  mind.  If  one  may  use  such  an  expression,  the 
child  holds  out  little  tentacles  of  intelligent  wonder, 

146 


BOOKS  FOR  CHILDREN 

ready  at  an  instant's  notice  to  fasten  themselves  upon 
a  new  thought.  To  those  who  love  and  watch  chil- 
dren this  avidity  of  the  mind  is  nothing  short  of 
miraculous.  Wonder,  discovery,  advance!  They 
are  the  keynotes  of  a  healthy  youth! 

As  children  enjoy  pure  belief  in  everything  and 
everybody  they  have  no  developed  critical  sense. 
All  that  they  see  and  hear  and  read  sinks  down 
unquestioned  into  their  little  minds  only  later  to  be 
worked  up  into  ideas.  Children  can  not  criticise  be- 
cause they  have  no  standard  of  comparison.  They 
simply  absorb.  It  is  only  as  they  grow  older  that 
what  they  have  absorbed  begins  to  tell  and  begins 
to  color  their  ideals. 

It  is  this  quality  in  the  child  of  absorbing  without 
being  sufficiently  developed  to  criticise  or  compare 
which  makes  it  so  vitally  important  to  hand  out  only 
such  things  as  will  strengthen  him — only  thoughts 
and  ideas  that  will  become  stepping-stones  in  his  life, 
not  stumbling-blocks. 

Books  can  be  made  stepping-stones — and  there 
are  none  that  mount  more  surely ! 

Reading  is  probably  the  greatest  of  all  the  many 
channels  by  which  inspiration,  development,  and  gen- 
eral spiritual  uplift  can  come  to  a  child.  Through 
books,  indeed,  come  to  many  children  almost  all  the 
dream  arid  glory  of  their  life. 

147 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

A  child  who  loves  books  has  a  second  existence, 
the  joys  of  which  no  one  but  himself  can  compre- 
hend. 

Love  of  reading,  besides  being  a  factor  in  de- 
velopment, is  a  valuable  resource.  To  the  sick  child, 
the  lonely  child,  the  child  who  has  few  toys,  reading 
is  often  an  only  means  of  entrance  into  the  enchanted 
land  of  keen  delight  where  all  children  have  the 
longing  and  right  to  dwell. 

It  is  not  a  waste  of  time  to  try  to  gain  for  a  child 
this  great  resource.  Love  of  books  may  help  him 
over  many  hard  places  in  his  life.  Begin  in  the  nurs- 
ery, almost  in  the  cradle,  to  read  to  him. 

Books,  and  before  books,  story-telling  and  pict- 
ures, are  quick  to  arouse  the  mind.  Once  aroused, 
imitation  of  things  known  and  loved  comes  surely. 

Noble  pictures  and  great  books  stimulate  to 
dreams  of  heroism,  to  noble  thoughts  and  to  a  desire 
to  love  and  serve  others. 

Children  are  unconsciously  formed  and  guided  in 
many  ways  by  the  ideals  which  have  sunk  noiselessly 
into  their  hearts  from  books. 

To  begin  a  child's  reading  in  the  right  way  give 
him  at  the  very  start  in  some  form  or  other  the 
classics,  stories  that  have  withstood  the  rocking  of 
empires  and  the  fall  of  Kings.  There  is  no  need 
to  bring  children  up  on  mediocrity  in  any  line  now- 

148 


BOOKS  FOR  CHILDREN 

adays.  Educators  and  theorists  everywhere  are 
struggling  to  provide  the  best  free  or  at  little  cost. 
Books  as  well  as  playgrounds,  clinics,  nurseries,  and 
lectures  are  now  brought  to  the  people's  level  and 
are  made  possible  for  all. 

It  is  encouraging  to  see  that  so  much  is  being 
done  to  give  children  the  right  kind  of  mental  food. 
The  best  artists  give  their  time  to  illustrating  chil- 
dren's books.  The  keynote  of  modern  publication 
is  an  earnest  effort  to  reduce  all  knowledge  to  the 
common  denominator  of  the  child. 

Everywhere  is  manifest  the  great  change  which 
has  taken  place  in  the  public's  idea  of  what  children 
should  be  given  to  read. 

Where  is  the  autocratic,  terrifying,  sentimental, 
and  usually  religious  story-book  designed  to  convey 
moral  lessons  to  the  young?  It  is  no  more.  The 
once  popular  "  series  "  of  books  about  more  or  less 
stupid  people,  told  in  a  more  or  less  stupid  way,  are 
going  if  not  quite  gone. 

Instead  we  have  natural  history,  animal-lore, 
poetry,  hero-stories,  legends,  biography,  history, 
myth — these  subjects,  which  represent  the  best  spirit- 
ual output  and  the  highest  aspirations  of  man  since 
the  beginning  of  civilized  life,  are  to-day  being 
handed  down  to  children,  are  everywhere  being 
adapted  and  prepared  by  authors  and  artists  of  dis- 

149 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

tinction  for  the  development  and  education  of  the 
twentieth-century  child. 

Now  what  is  the  object  of  all  this  ?  Why  are  the 
poor,  insufficient,  mediocre  books  of  the  past  being 
done  away  with  and  utterly  wiped  out?  Why  this 
united  effort  to  give  children  nothing  but  the  best? 

It  is  because  we  realize,  as  the  world  has  never 
realized  it  before,  the  dangers  and  the  opportunities 
of  youth. 

The  Jesuits  say,  "  Give  us  the  first  seven  years 
and  you  may  have  the  rest."  They  know  by  a  life- 
time of  astute  watching  over  souls  that  a  careful 
planting  is  bound  to  bring  the  harvest,  and  that  what 
a  child  learns  to  love  and  reverence  in  his  youth  he 
never  forgets — never,  though  he  live  to  be  a  hun- 
dred years ! 

Oh,  the  opportunity  of  youth!  If  we  could  but 
appreciate  it,  and  in  time ! 

Just  in  proportion  as  the  opportunity  is  great, 
so  also  is  danger.  Ideals  once  shattered,  reverence 
once  blotted  out,  cheap  substitutes  once  given  for  the 
real,  the  sacred,  and  the  eternal  in  life — these  things 
once  done  and  how  soon  it  becomes  "  too  late," 
youth  with  its  golden  now  of  promise  and  hope  and 
opportunity  is  gone  forever ! 

A  mother  told  me  the  other  day  that  she  had 
just  burned  up  the  Dotty  Dimple  books  which  had 

150 


BOOKS  FOR  CHILDREN 

been  given  to  her  little  girls  at  Christmas.  Not  that 
they  did  any  harm,  she  exclaimed,  but  that  they 
failed  to  do  good.  They  took  up  time,  and  gave  noth- 
ing back.  They  did  not  contain  (to  her  way  of 
thinking)  a  single  stimulating,  valuable,  or  uplifting 
thought.  Do  you  see  the  point  ?  Not  that  they  did 
harm,  but  that  they  did  not  do  good! 

For  the  very  reason  that  the  potential  power  in 
books  is  so  great,  that  the  child  is  really  formed, 
though  unconsciously,  by  what  he  reads,  only  have 
the  best  papers  coming  to  the  house,  only  buy  the 
very  best  books. 

If  children  are  fed  on  good  books  from  the  be- 
ginning they  are  likely  to  continue  to  love  what  is 
worth  while.  A  true  and  cultivated  taste  in  the 
parents  is  sure  to  have  its  appointed  influence. 

If  children  are  surrounded  with  cheap  comic 
papers,  vulgar  Sunday  supplements,  and  novels  that 
are  trash,  what  can  be  expected  other  than  that  they 
will  absorb  the  atmosphere  of  mediocrity  and  event- 
ually show  in  themselves  the  anaemic  type  of  mind 
that  has  grown  upon  the  nourishment  of  lifeless 
food? 

Every  bit  of  cheap,  tawdry  art  a  child  sees, 
every  vulgar  word  he  hears,  every  holy  thing  that  is 
ridiculed  before  him  is  a  blow  at  his  higher  nature. 

151 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

A  little  bit  of  himself  goes.  He  has  added  to  his 
weakness  instead  of  to  his  strength. 

It  is  the  slipping  back  a  step  here  and  a  step 
there  that  makes  the  actual  advance  of  moral  life  so 
uncertain.  Little  backward  steps,  blows  half  heard, 
perhaps  unnoticed,  undermine  the  strongest  charac- 
ter, and  gradually  pull  down  in  the  child  the  spiritual 
city  from  the  walls  of  which  he  will  be  called  to  fight 
the  world. 

In  no  way  is  this  moral  waste  and  devastation 
more  certainly  accomplished  than  by  the  reading 
of  worthless  books. 

Yet  a  censorship  of  reading  for  the  older  child 
who  really  loves  books  is  almost  impossible.  It  is 
indeed  difficult  to  guide  a  child's  roving  mind  after 
he  begins  to  go  to  school,  and  after  he  has  once 
tasted  the  joys  of  the  intellectual  world. 

If  he  has  had  the  right  beginning,  and  the  love  of 
good  reading  is  ingrained  in  him,  do  not  be  afraid. 

The  normal  child  who  eats  and  sleeps  and  exer- 
cises as  he  should  will  have  very  little  harm  done 
him  from  books.  Like  a  healthy  animal,  though  he 
browse  where  he  will,  he  really  eats  only  that  which 
will  agree  with  him.  He  really  absorbs  into  his  life 
only  the  elements  that  do  him  good. 

Turn  him  loose  in  the  library ;  he  will  read  a  little 
of  everything,  but  if  his  book-love  has  been  begun 

152 


BOOKS  FOR  CHILDREN 

in  the  right  way,  nature  will  direct  his  appetite,  and 
he  will  gradually  come  to  find  his  friends  in  the  great 
silent  shelves,  and  as  he  develops  he  will  make  them 
one  by  one  his  own.  The  glory  and  joy  as  he  finds 
them  out  and  realizes  their  immortal  kinship  to  him- 
self who  can  describe! 

A  recent  magazine  held  this  helpful  illustration 
of  how  two  different  mothers  handled  the  same  prob- 
lem— the  problem  of  training  the  children's  judg- 
ment in  regard  to  books : 

"  Two  boys,  John  and  Henry,  were  caught  by 
their  mothers  reading '  The  Boy  Burglar  of  Chicago/ 
John's  mother  took  her  boy's  copy  away  from  him, 
threw  it  into  the  ash  pan  and  forbade  him  to  read 
any  more  such  books  under  penalty  of  '  a  good, 
sound  thrashing.'  That  afternoon  the  mother  went 
out,  and  John,  of  course,  got  the  book  out  of  the 
ash  pan  and  finished  reading  it,  as  any  normal  boy 
would  do. 

"  Henry's  mother  suggested  that  they  read  the 
book  together.  Mother  read  it  out  loud,  and  some- 
how it  didn't  sound  right  to  the  boy  when  the  story 
came  from  his  mother's  lips. 

'  It  isn't  much,  it  is  true/  said  the  mother,  '  but 
let  us  finish  it/  But  the  boy  protested.  '  Well/  said 
the  mother,  '  suppose  we  read  a  story  like  it,  but 
which  I  think  is  better/ 

153 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

"  The  boy  was  interested  and  the  mother  read 
'  Robin  Hood/  The  boy  voted  it '  great,'  and  asked 
John  to  come  over  the  next  day  and  listen  to  it. 
Then  the  mother  continued  with  '  The  Boys'  King 
Arthur/  and  Fenimore  Cooper's  '  Leather-stocking 
Tales/ 

"  Meanwhile  '  The  Boy  Burglar  of  Chicago  '  lay 
on  the  library  table  where  Henry  could  get  it,  but 
it  was  never  taken  up  or  finished.  It  was  simply 
two  ways  that  two  mothers  handled  the  same  situa- 
tion but  secured  different  results." 

This  little  story  holds  a  very  good  moral.  Boys, 
and  girls,  too,  would  rather  be  good  than  bad.  Give 
them  a  chance.  It  is  often  only  because  their  minds 
are  not  used  for  good  that  they  listen  to  the  tempt- 
ings  of  bad  books.  Find  out  what  wholesome  line 
of  reading  pleases  the  children,  and  keep  them  well 
supplied.  Do  not  let  their  minds  bubbling  with  price- 
less activity  lie  idle  for  even  a  day.  The  surest 
and  often  the  quickest  way  to  correct  a  fault  or 
overcome  evil  is  to  suggest  a  counter-activity  that 
will  energize  the  whole  mental  system  afresh  for 
good. 

At  the  risk  of  finding  many  parents  who  will  dis- 
agree with  my  selection,  I  am  going  to  add  to  these 
thoughts  a  short  list  of  books  which  have  passed  the 
test  of  popularity  in  my  home  and  which  I  have  found 

154 


BOOKS  FOR  CHILDREN 

always  stimulating,  helpful,  and  thoroughly  absorb- 
ing to  the  children  in  each  various  stage  of  their 
development. 

Such  a  list  must,  of  course,  begin  with  our  uni- 
versal mother — Mother-Goose,  then  follow  quickly 
such  books  as  the  Arabian  Nights,  ^Esop's  Fables, 
Alice's  Adventures  in  Wonderland,  Tom  Brown's 
School  Days,  Little  Women,  and  all  Miss  Alcott's 
works ;  One  Thousand  Poems  for  Children,  edited  by 
Roger  Ingpen,  or  some  other  good  compilation. 
Grimm's  and  Andersen's  Fairy  Tales,  Swift's  Gulli- 
ver's Travels,  Hawthorne's  Wonder  Book  and 
Tanglewood  Tales,  The  Andrew  Lang  Fairy  Books 
of  many  hues,  and  Mrs.  Lang's  delightful  book  of 
Saints  and  Heroes.  Kipling's  Jungle  Books,  The 
(Boy's  Froissart,  Mark  Twain's  Tom  Sawyer,  Har- 
ris's Uncle  Remus.  Pyle's  Robin  Hood  and  the 
Story  of  Launcelot.  Hammarstrom's  The  Adven- 
tures of  Two  Ants,  Seton  Thompson's  Wild  Ani- 
mals I  Have  Known,  and  many  similar  books  upon 
insect,  plant,  and  animal  life.  These  the  children 
particularly  love. 

Then  come  A.  D.  Crake's  Chronicles  of  yEscen- 
deme,  Cooper's  Last  of  the  Mohicans,  Parkman's 
Conspiracy  of  the  Pontiac,  Lamb's  Tales  from 
Shakespeare,  Stevenson's  Treasure  Island,  Kid- 
napped, David  Balfour,  and  some  of  Scott  and 

155 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Dickens,  but  here  I  may  stop,  for  by  the  time  the 
children  have  made  fast  friends  of  even  these  few 
books,  no  list  will  be  needed.  They  shall  have  en- 
tered the  land  of  books  for  all  their  lives,  and  ahead 
in  the  misty  distance  will  stand  beckoning  them  on- 
ward, new  friends,  new  experiences,  new  delights 
grown  out  of  the  old,  an  ever  widening  circle  in  which 
they  feel  happy,  familiar,  safe,  and  forever  at  home. 

"There  is  no  frigate  like  a  book 

To  take  us  lands  away, 
Nor  any  coursers  like  a  page 
Of  prancing  poetry. 

"  This  traverse  may  the  poorest  take 

Without  oppress  or  toll ; 
How  frugal  is  the  chariot 
That  bears  a  human  soul !  " 


XII 
INDIVIDUALITY 

"  Said  the  Bottle  that  was  old  to  the  Wine  that  was  new : 
'  I  was  made  long  ago,  ere  the  grapes  of  you  grew ; 
So,  adapt  yourself  to  me,  and  learn  how  to  be  content — 
It's  unsafe  and  demagogic  and  outrageous  to  ferment ! ' 

"  Said  the  Wine  that  was  new  to  the  Bottle  that  was  old : 
'  The  power  that  stirs  in  me  is  beyond  your  strength  to  hold ; 
Though  I  send  you  into  pieces,  that  power  I  shall  fulfill, 
For  it's  ferment  that  I  must — and  it's  ferment  that  I  will.' 

"There  is  something,  it  is  true,  in  the  Bottle's  point  of  view, 
But — the  victory  always  rests  with  the  Wine  that  is  new." 
— "  The  Tug  of  War,"  by  PRISCILLA  LEONARD,  published  in 
The  Outlook. 

"  NINE  times  out  of  ten  it  is  over  the  Bridge  of 
Sighs  that  we  pass  the  narrow  gulf  from  youth  to 
manhood."  So  Balzac  speaks  of  youth's  progress, 
further  warning  us  that  a  failure  to  see  and  under- 
stand "  The  Bridge  of  Sighs "  is  responsible  for 
many  of  the  tragic  separations  between  parents  and 
children — separations  which  unfortunately  occur  just 
as  the  child  begins  to  be  interesting,  just  as  he 
begins  to  be  himself. 

After  all,  why  should  this  tragedy  take  place  in 
a  world  where  every  man  and  woman  has  paid  the 
price  of  individuality  by  just  the  experiences  con- 
demned in  his  or  her  own  child? 

157 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

What  man  or  woman  but  can  look  back 
to  months,  or  it  may  be  to  years,  of  foolish,  stupid 
blundering,  before  he  or  she  really  arrived  at  an 
understanding  and  control  of  self? 

Yet,  forgetful  of  this,  the  parents  cry  out,  "  they 
no  longer  love  us,"  "  we  have  no  influence  over 
them,"  "  they  are  unkind,"  "  we  cannot  understand 
them,  and  they  do  not  wish  to  understand  us,"  for- 
getting all  about  the  once  familiar  Bridge  of  Sighs, 
and  forgetting  also  that  with  sound  heredity  and  a 
good  home  influence,  in  this  natural  fight  for  in- 
dividuality, there  is  really  nothing  to  fear.  The  end 
is  unmistakable,  however  devious  the  way. 

And  what  of  the  child  ?  He  is  making  vigorously 
toward  the  light.  Instinct  tells  him  that  ahead  lie 
the  broad  fields  of  individual  life.  Despite  the 
efforts  of  his  parents  to  frighten  him  back  into  the 
shambles  of  his  old  self,  there  to  continue  to  feed 
him  with  the  "  small  sweet  biscuit  of  unobjection- 
able knowledge,"  he  will  have  none  of  it.  He  is  look- 
ing for  his  own  romance,  out  there  somewhere  in  the 
limitless  space  beyond,  and  he  is  backed  in  his  search 
by  the  strongest  impulse  in  all  the  world,  an  impulse 
without  which  the  human  race  would  end  as  in  the 
twinkling  of  an  eye. 

The  white  veil  of  childhood  grows  more  trans- 
parent every  year  until  it  is  at  last  pierced  by  eyes 

158 


INDIVIDUALITY 

that  see  the  world  beyond  the  nursery  window.  The 
child's  lips  are  already  curved  to  hail  from  the  outer 
shadows  a  congenial  spirit  not  of  his  parents'  choice. 
He  has  already  begun  to  be. 

Stepping  out  into  the  full  play  of  life  for  the  first 
time,  who  does  he  meet?  His  angry  parents  stand- 
ing directly  in  his  path  waving  the  red  flag  of  dis- 
approval and  restraint.  They  have  found  it  impos- 
sible to  bear  with  equanimity  the  personal  hurt  of 
divergence  in  the  child  who  has  hitherto  been  a  simple 
proposition. 

It  is  a  sad  fact  that  the  better  parents  are,  the 
more  earnest,  loving  and  intelligent,  the  surer  they 
are  to  receiving  into  their  hearts  the  bitter  fruit  of 
this  particular  kind  of  disappointment.  Come  it 
invariably  does  as  time  goes  on,  and  the  children 
are  carried  like  chips  over  a  waterfall,  on,  on  to 
personal  achievement  and  destiny  at  any  cost. 

Yet  the  child  is  the  victim  of  his  age.  He  must 
walk  over  the  Bridge  of  Sighs  because  nature  wills 
it,  because  it  is  nature's  plan  for  individual  develop- 
ment. 

Not  to  understand  the  reality  of  the  nervous  up- 
heaval the  child  is  enduring,  not  to  know  that  it  is 
a  necessary  phase  of  physical  progress,  is  to  lose  the 
pass-key  to  all  the  closed  doors  of  his  new  growth. 

Without  forbearance  and  sympathy  a  series  of 

159 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

miserable  encounters  begin.  The  older  heads  wag 
and  criticise ;  the  child  rebels,  recoils,  and  many  times 
passes  by  on  the  other  side  to  a  personal  Elysium 
from  which,  it  is  quite  likely,  the  parents  are  ex- 
cluded forever. 

Melancholy,  turbulence,  and  rebellion  are  neces- 
sary to  the  period  of  adolescence — if  parents  would 
only  give  this  thought  sufficient  proportion  in  the 
solving  of  their  problems. 

In  the  natural  process  and  development  the  child 
is  a  child  pure  and  simple  until  he  arrives  at  about 
eleven  or  twelve  years  of  age.  Then  it  is  that  he 
begins  the  second  part  of  his  career;  that  part  which 
is  a  preparation  for  his  maturity ;  that  part  in  which 
he  is  uncertain,  aspiring,  and  full  of  problems.  This 
we  call  adolescence.  Now  it  is  that  he  begins  to  see 
before  him  the  dawn  of  personal  life,  begins  to  real- 
ize, as  Victor  Hugo  quaintly  puts  it,  that  he  is  the 
"  tadpole  of  an  Archangel."  It  is  only  natural  that 
his  balance  should  be  upset,  it  is  only  natural  that  he 
should  pass  through  a  time  of  distorted  half  lights 
until  the  period  of  adolescence  meets  that  of  maturity 
and  the  little  cycle  is  complete. 

Under  usual  conditions  the  influence  of  the 
parents  decreases  as  the  child  enters  each  of  the 
three  stages  here  described,  slowly  withdrawing  its 
support  as  he  becomes  able  to  stand  alone.  Some- 


INDIVIDUALITY 

times  instead  of  decreasing  it  does  just  the  opposite, 
until  at  last  individuality  is  hopelessly  bound  and 
the  child  enters  upon  an  enervated  apathetic  matur- 
ity— a  fruit  rotting  before  really  ripe  and  green  for- 
ever at  the  core. 

The  thing  not  always  easy  to  realize  is  that  it  is 
natural,  quite  natural,  indeed,  for  parental  influence 
to  be  withdrawn  as  children  make  the  journey  across 
the  Bridge  of  Sighs. 

To  no  one,  however  near,  is  given  the  privilege  of 
eternal  authority  or  of  destroying  by  ridicule  or 
interference  that  which  is  dear  and  essential  to  an- 
other soul.  Parents  may  be  autocratic  in  babyhood, 
may  discipline  in  childhood,  may  guide  and  influence 
in  youth,  but  it  is  not  theirs  to  say  to  their  growing 
boys  and  girls  "  go  where  I  point." 

By  all  means  let  them  lead,  by  example  and  tact- 
ful suggestion,  not  losing  sight  of  the  fact  that  there 
is  a  certain  amount  of  leeway  demanded  by  every 
individual  soul  if  it  is  to  develop.  It  can  not  be 
coerced  or  compelled  to  its  own  good. 

Almost  anything  is  possible  at  adolescence. 
Character  is  malleable,  talents  are  just  springing  into 
life,  all  is  molten,  still  unset,  waiting  for  the  forming 
finger  of  destiny  to  advance  and  choose  the  shape. 

A  space  of  troubled  silence  and  the  potential 
sweetness  ripples  into  blossoms,  the  most  marked 

11  161 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

talent  takes  its  place  at  the  helm  of  the  young  life, 
and,  under  the  eye  of  love,  the  character  begins  to 
settle  upon  its  immortal  pedestal.  Parents  who  think 
of  this  hold  their  breath  and  wait  for  the  miracle, 
fearing  to  destroy,  hedging  their  child  in  on  all  sides 
with  their  utmost  love. 

To  step  in  here  and  impose  personal  whims  and 
prejudices  is  a  vandalism  unforgivable  to  those  who 
hold  sacred  the  mysteries  of  individual  development. 
To  ridicule,  destroy,  and  wound  is  only  too  common, 
for  the  parents  will  not  see  that  before  them  stands 
an  independent  spirit,  ready  to  die,  if  need  be,  for 
what  it  reverences  and  holds  dear. 

What,  then,  can  they  do?  Only  stand  aside 
and  trust  to  the  work  that  has  already  been  done,  to 
the  seeds  that  have  been  planted  in  the  nursery  days. 

To  oppose  the  instinctive  march  of  a  child's 
nature  is  either  to  cripple  his  best  effort,  or  to  force 
him  outside  the  home,  where  self-expression  is  less 
obstructed. 

His  instinctive  march  keeps  in  step  with  a  music 
the  parents  are  too  often  obvious  of,  and  has  been 
pre-ordained  by  a  force  far  stronger  than  they  can 
possibly  comprehend. 

I  can  only  say,  help  his  groping  hands  to  find 
the  throttle  of  power.  Put  in  them  the  means  of  self- 
direction  by  teaching  him  to  use  all  his  gifts.  Draw 

162 


INDIVIDUALITY 

each  weakling  of  endowment  out  into  the  day. 
Emphasize  the  high-lights  of  his  being,  assist  him 
to  subdue  its  crudities.  Help  him  to  build. 

His  chosen  form  of  self-expression  may  be  very 
different  from  what  you  had  hoped  to  see,  but  re- 
member that  he  is  an  individual  soul,  to  stand  or 
fall  by  his  own  effort ;  he  must  advance,  and  to  deny 
him  spiritual  independence  is  to  sign  Jiis  death, 
warrant. 

Our  children  begin,  it  must  be  remembered,  where 
we  end,  not,  as  we  sometimes  would  like  to  have  it, 
where  we  began.  Though  their  root  is  in  us,  their 
progress  is  away  from  us,  and  it  can  be  no  other  way. 
Strange  as  it  may  seem,  children  are  not  willing 
to  be  turned  out  into  the  world  exact  little  patterns 
of  the  parental  die.  They  wish  to  be  trees,  not  twigs, 
and  this  stirring  impulse,  the  most  beautiful  and 
inspiring  thing  in  all  life,  is  what  we  call  individ- 
uality. 

And  let  it  be  remembered  that  the  expression  of 
individuality  in  children  is  in  no  wise  rebellion. 
There  is  a  plan  underlying  their  efforts  at  self- 
expression  and  it  is  only  when  we  acknowledge  the 
plan  and  work  in  unity  with  it,  that  we  help  them  to 
develop.  The  great  plan  is  progress. 

It  is  better  to  try  to  understand  nature  than  to 
blindly  work  against  her.  "  The  five-fingered  leaf 

163 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

closely  bound  in  the  bud  separates  as  it  opens.  The 
branches  separate  from  the  trunk  as  the  tree  grows. 
But  this  legitimate  separation  does  not  mean  dis- 
connection. The  tree  is  as  much  one  tree  as  if  it  grew 
in  a  strait- jacket.  All  growth  must  widen  and 
diverge.  If  natural  growth  is  checked,  disease  must 
follow.  If  allowed,  health,  beauty,  and  happiness 
accompany  it,"  writes  Charlotte  Perkins  Oilman,  and 
how  true  it  is ! 

When  we  bring  ourselves  to  look  upon  this  in- 
dividual divergence  of  our  children  from  ourselves 
as  right,  we  are  working  in  accord  with  nature,  and 
so  to  work  brings  special  happiness. 

The  child's  being  stretches  out  a  hundred  invisi- 
ble hands  trying  to  find  out  all  that  is  solid  and 
permanent  in  its  environment.  Like  ivy  creeping  up 
the  side  of  a  wall,  though  we  can  not  actually  see 
the  growth,  day  by  day  the  miracle  is  worked,  the 
eager  hidden  hands  cling  on  to  their  natural  line  of 
advance,  and,  slowly  toiling  onward,  gradually  make 
their  beautiful  ascent. 

To  thwart  the  individual  development  of  the  child 
is  quite  the  same  as  to  break  back  the  juicy  tendrils 
of  the  vine  in  such  a  way  that  they  can  no  longer 
advance  in  nature's  way.  Nature  is  not  devious. 
Onward,  upward  is  her  simple  motto,  and  there  is  no 

164 


INDIVIDUALITY 

alternative  but  the  gradual  death  which  comes  to 
every  living  thing  once  it  has  ceased  to  advance. 

Deterioration  or  advance  is  the  great  plan  of  life. 
Morally,  ground  must  be  gained  in  character-build- 
ing, or  it  is  soon  lost.  Physically,  the  very  instant 
progress  is  checked  our  powers  begin  to  fail.  Spirit- 
ually, unless  we  come  to  believe  more,  we  perilously 
soon  come  to  believe  less. 

The  country  must  advance,  the  state,  the  city,  the 
town,  and  in  order  that  advance  may  be  assured  the 
individual  must  advance  also.  Parents,  in  the  very 
nature  of  things,  are  pushed  aside,  for  there  is  prog- 
ress all  along  the  line,  new  ways  of  doing  old  things, 
new  thoughts  about  familiar  subjects,  new  points 
of  view,  whole  areas  of  entirely  virgin  effort  and 
idea. 

This  progress  shows  strong  and  keen  in  all  coun- 
tries still  on  the  upward  move.  Its  base  of  opera- 
tion is  the  individual.  It  works  up  from  the  individ- 
ual through  the  home,  the  town,  the  city,  to  the 
nation,  where,  accumulating  its  forces,  it  makes  a 
great  leap  onward  toward  the  fulfilling  of  ultimate 
human  destiny. 

When  the  individual  ceases  to  progress,  the 
nation,  sooner  or  later,  comes  to  a  standstill.  After 
which  the  inevitable  period  of  deterioration  sets  in. 

165 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

The  very  leaven  of  advance  is  individual  power. 
To  repress  and  misunderstand  individuality  as  ex- 
pressed in  the  child,  is  to  hold  back  not  only  the 
individual  but  through  him  the  family,  the  city,  the 
state,  the  nation,  the  human  race. 

Individuality  is  that  divine  spark  in  the  child 
upon  which  he  builds  his  life,  and  by  means  of  which 
he  makes  his  advance.  Individuality  is  creative,  and 
has  to  do  with  his  highest  spiritual  output. 

Realizing  this,  watch  eagerly  for  each  child's 
individual  bent.  And  do  not,  when  found,  immedi- 
ately try  to  thwart  it !  Help  him  to  follow  his  star. 
Nor  does  this  mean  fostering  lawlessness  and 
egotism. 

Instead,  the  greater  amount  of  individuality  a 
child  shows  the  greater  his  need  for  sane  and  intelli- 
gent restraint;  for  discipline  along  practical  lines 
only  helps  in  the  burnishing  of  those  higher  things 
not  made  with  hands,  but  often  saved  by  hands  from 
destruction. 

I  know  a  father  who  insisted  that  his  daughter 
should  become  a  horsewoman,  and  ridiculed  and 
abused  her  musical  talent  until  she  became  ashamed 
of  her  real  bent.  But  no  amount  of  compulsion 
ever  made  her  a  horsewoman.  Misunderstanding 
and  dissension  were  the  only  fruits  of  that  mis- 

166 


INDIVIDUALITY 

guided  parent's  desire  to  prevent  divergence,  and 
turn  out  a  new  pattern  of  himself. 

A  mother  who  was  very  fond  of  her  own  fireside 
could  not  tolerate  in  her  only  daughter  a  love  of 
travel  and  interest  in  the  life  of  the  world.  She 
wished  to  chain  the  girl's  restless  spirit  to  her  own 
placid  one,  with  the  result  that  all  chains  were 
snapped,  and  the  girl's  best  self  was  never  recapt- 
ured by  her  loving  but  narrow  and  misdirected 
mother. 

Such  examples  of  repression  of  individuality 
are  only  too  common,  they  could  be  multiplied  in- 
definitely from  observation  in  any  one  little  corner 
of  the  world. 

Emerson  tells  us  to  respect  the  child  so  much  that 
we  will  not  endure  his  misrepresentation  of  himself 
through  folly  and  false  development.  We  must  not 
allow  him  to  be  a  caricature  of  himself. 

Those  who  love  and  study  children  will  agree, 
I  think,  that  this  caricature  is  usually  found  to  be 
the  riot  of  individuality  following  no  definite  plan 
of  development.  To  prevent  this,  to  protect  the 
child  from  himself,  we  must  find  out  each  hidden 
possibility  for  good  that  lurks  within  him.  Yet  it 
is  not  enough  to  find  them  out,  they  must  be  nur- 
tured into  usefulness  and  strength,  for,  like  all 
valuable  forces,  individuality  is  a  dangerous  power 

167 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

if  misused.  The  very  fact  that  it  is  creative  empha- 
sizes both  its  value  and  its  danger. 

The  child  who  shows  individuality  in  talent  or  in 
general  force  of  personality  is  a  far  more  valuable 
child  to  the  race  than  one  less  gifted.  Such  a  child 
holds  a  potentiality  within  himself  better  for  the 
nation  than  a  heap  of  gold.  We  owe  it  to  him  and 
to  our  age  to  further  his  particular  gifts. 

But  never  forget  that  to  make  any  creative  force 
useful,  it  must  be  coupled  with  work.  Talent  with- 
out work  is  a  poor  thing;  a  travesty. 

Therefore,  our  part  as  parents  is  not  only  to 
watch  and  wonder  as  our  children  light  their  indi- 
vidual tapers  at  the  great  world's  heart,  but  to  show 
them  how  to  guard  and  use  whatever  they  may  have 
been  allowed  to  win  for  themselves  of  the  sacred 
fire. 

As  soon  as  the  child's  natural  bent  is  discovered 
and  his  individual  trend  made  plain,  the  mother's 
task  lies  clear  ahead  of  her.  She,  better  than  any 
one  else,  can  teach  him  the  value  of  work,  the  rela- 
tion work  bears  to  results,  the  necessity  for  physical 
and  moral  effort  in  order  that  there  may  be  spiritual 
crops. 

Any  talent,  however  humble,  must  receive  its  toll 
of  consecrated  hours  if  it  is  to  amount  to  anything. 
Every  lofty  thought  must  be  backed  by  actual  experi- 


INDIVIDUALITY 

ence  or  it  evaporates  into  nothing.  The  superficial 
weakens  character. 

To  guide  a  child  so  that  he  does  not  make  the 
false  step  of  being  satisfied  with  attractions  and 
talents  that  are  superficial  he  must  come  to  know 
and  love  work.  Work  is  not  harsh  and  ugly,  it  is 
the  path  which  leads  us  face  to  face  with  all  our 
greatest  joys.  As  wives  we  spend  ourselves  for  our 
beloved;  as  mothers  we  work  for  our  little  ones;  as 
artists  in  any  field  of  endeavor,  we  give  of  ourselves 
that  creative  work  may  be  the  result.  All  the  highest 
spiritual  guerdons  of  life  are  the  result  of  work. 
Individuality,  like  all  energy,  must  be  turned  from 
waste  to  construction  if  it  is  to  fulfil  its  purpose. 

The  child  who  "  loves  "one  thing  and  "  hates  " 
another  will  gradually  soften,  but  the  individual  force 
which  prompts  him  to  show  decided  preferences  and 
express  definite  desires  is  the  very  means  by  which 
he  will  advance.  It  is,  in  fact,  the  first  crude  ex- 
pression of  the  motive  power  of  his  life.  Help  him 
to  construct  by  teaching  him  to  value  and  understand 
work. 

Ella  Lyman  Cabot  says  that  "  character  grows 
mainly  in  two  ways:  through  work  well  done  and 
through  the  contagious  example  of  people  who  we 
love  and  admire."  "  The  contagious  example  "of 
friendship  between  a  mother  and  her  children  is  im- 

169 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

possible  until  the  individuality  of  each  child  asserts 
itself.  Then  the  way  is  open  for  it,  and  one  of  the 
most  beautiful  of  human  relationships  may  begin — 
may — for  often  the  possible  beauty  is  blurred  by 
conflict,  misunderstanding,  and  tactless  opposition 
in  little  things  which  really  matter  not  at  all. 

A  mother  who  achieves  friendship  with  her  child 
is  wise  with  the  wisdom  of  the  serpent,  for  it  takes 
cunning  to  bridle  a  wild  horse  and  one  may  run  in 
opposition  to  it  forever  with  no  result,  but  once  run 
beside  it  until  the  hand  gradually  finds  the  place  of 
control,  and  the  bridle  is  easily  slipped  on.  To  run 
with  the  child  is  the  quickest  way  of  getting  him 
under  the  bridle.  Once  there  he  may  soon  be  led 
to  drag  his  allotment  of  burdens  up  the  hill  of  diffi- 
culty. Friendship  is  the  surest  means  to  this  end, 
as  well  as  the  sweetest 

I  suppose  many  parents  who  have  failed  to  turn 
their  children  out  after  an  exact  pattern  chosen  by 
themselves  are  keenly  disappointed,  even  hurt,  really 
feeling  in  the  bottom  of  their  hearts  that  their  efforts, 
which  were  entirely  disinteresting  and  only  for  the 
good  of  the  child,  were  most  unfairly  received. 

This  is  not  true  child-love,  however.  True  child- 
love  is  the  result  of  years  of  thought,  study,  and,  if 
I  may  say  it,  of  preparation  for  the  high  calling  of 
parenthood.  The  primitive  quality  is  self-love.  The 

170 


INDIVIDUALITY 

child  in  tribal  life  was  an  asset  of  parenthood,  repre- 
senting wealth,  their  labor  and  worth  being  minutely 
calculated. 

Though  we  have  happily  grown  far  away  from 
this  idea  in  many  respects,  it  still  clings  to  us  in  just 
such  little  matters  as  this — we  have  not  quite  rooted 
out  the  tendency  born  of  the  servitude  of  ages  to 
feel  that  we  have  a  right  of  possession  over  our 
children. 

With  our  spiritual  advance  we  come  nearer  and 
nearer  to  a  conception  of  what  child-love  really  is. 
Discipline,  not  that  "  my  word  which  altereth  not 
may  be  obeyed,"  but  that  the  child  may  lose  the  faults 
which  weigh  his  pinions  down ;  control,  not  to  coerce 
the  child  that  a  certain  amount  of  daily  labor  may 
be  exacted  from  him,  but  that  through  its  beneficent 
agency  his  energies  may  be  conserved  for  the  better 
making  of  the  next  generation;  education,  not  that 
the  child  may  better  serve  his  parents,  but  that  he 
may  have  open  roads  secured  to  his  soul  for  the 
ins  weep  of  all  ennobling  thought — thought  uncon- 
sciously used  by  him  afterward  in  the  making  of 
character. 

This  is  child-love;  selfless,  glorified  attribute  of 
idealized  parenthood.  To  reach  it  we  must  under- 
stand that  the  individual  instincts  of  each  child  are 
planted  in  him  by  a  hand  higher  than  our  own. 

171 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

While  curbing,  restraining,  and  guiding  him  along 
the  uneven  road  of  daily  life,  we  must  not  lose  sight 
of  them,  for  they  are  his  everlasting  crown.  To  rob 
him  of  them  is  to  send  him  into  eternity  shorn  of 
his  greatest  glory. 

While  making  his  progress  across  the  Bridge  of 
Sighs  the  child  is  pretty  sure  to  fall  in  with  others 
who  are  on  the  same  journey  of  self-discovery. 
It  would  be  strange  indeed  were  it  otherwise.  Yet  to 
the  mother  one  of  the  sharpest  wounds  she  is  des- 
tined to  receive  is  this  simple  inevitable  one  of 
friendships  made  by  her  children  outside  of  her 
control  and  without  her  consent  or  approval. 

But  unless  she  knows  something  positive  against 
the  self-elected  friends  of  her  growing  children,  is 
it  not  wisest  to  accept  them  ?  Their  reign  is  usually 
short.  To  criticise  and  refuse  them  hospitality  only 
serves  to  banish  the  children  also,  for  a  disputed 
friendship  will  often  be  clung  to  through  perversity 
alone.  A  word  here  and  there  tactfully  spoken  in 
moments  of  sympathy  will  help  the  children  in  choos- 
ing their  friends.  Compulsion  never  yet  proved 
successful  in  forming  a  friendship,  and  I  very  much 
doubt  if  it  ever  broke  one. 

The  fancies  and  crudities  of  adolescent  friend- 
ships are  best  allowed  to  take  their  course.  When 
the  boy  is  a  man,  the  girl  a  woman,  these  morbid 

172 


INDIVIDUALITY 

relationships  assume  their  true  proportions.  In 
normal  cases  they  do  not  do  any  harm;  they  are, 
one  might  almost  say,  pathologic,  inasmuch  as  they 
are  the  result  of  an  unripe  mental  and  physical  state. 
If  they  become  a  cause  of  dissension,  abuse,  and 
coldness  between  parents  and  children,  then  it  is,  and 
then  only,  that  they  begin  to  do  real  harm. 

It  is  wise  to  ask  here  also,  if  self-love  may  not 
be  at  the  bottom  of  many  of  our  disappointments. 
Self -elected  friends  usually  do  not  contribute  much 
to  the  glorification  of  the  child  who  selects  them! 
They  come  in  answer  to  a  different  call. 

Is  it  really  for  the  child's  sake  that  we  so  deeply 
mourn  his  choice  of  friends,  or  is  it  because  an  abnor- 
mal self-love  is  touched  where  it  is  most  sensitive  ? 
The  child's  glory  reflects  upon  his  parents;  they 
bask  in  it,  unfurl  in  it,  reach  out  contented  fingers 
of  delight  like  grasses  in  a  dark  pool  suddenly  sun- 
touched.  His  background  life  detracts  from  them, 
and,  along  the  same  principles,  they  recoil,  draw  in 
their  wounded  antennae  of  self-love,  and  sink  down 
behind  their  rocks  of  natural  defence,  scolding  the 
child  because  he  has  not  gratified  them. 

The  child,  concrete  and  living  output  of  all  the 
hidden  self  of  parenthood,  stands  before  the  world 
for  judgment,  and  to  have  a  price  put  upon  it. 

173 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Strange  to  relate,  the  world's  judgment  does  not 
in  the  least  hurt  the  child,  for  he  goes  on,  unconscious 
that  he  has  been  judged,  working  out  his  life  after 
a  pattern  invisible  to  every  eye  but  his.  But  the 
world's  judgment  enters  the  parent's  heart  and 
rankles  there.  Do  not  make  the  mistake  of  thinking 
this  is  child-love — it  is  self-love. 

If  the  mother  really  wants  her  little  daughter's 
best  development,  the  gradual  unfolding  of  the  stain- 
less garments  of  girlhood  until  she,  the  woman, 
stands  revealed;  if  the  father  is  really  bent  upon  a 
manhood  of  noble  effort  for  his  son,  it  is  likely  that 
both  will  have  strength  to  see  self-love  and  child- 
love  in  proper  proportions  one  to  another.  They 
will  not  demand  beauty,  popularity,  and  distinction 
from  children  who  are  mere  grubs!  They  may 
even  attain  to  such  a  state  of  wisdom  as  will  enable 
them  to  look  askance  upon  the  warm  thrills  of  self- 
gratification  which  have  their  source  in  the  child. 
They  may  even  come  to  ask  "  and  what  of  the 
child?" 

Friends,  life-partner,  life-work,  all  gravitate  to- 
ward the  individual,  as  soon  as  his  developing  nature 
expresses  their  need.  Parents  must  accept  the 
friends,  the  work,  the  husband,  or  the  wife  chosen 
by  their  child.  They  can  not  decide  what  jewels 

174 


INDIVIDUALITY 

are  to  be  his.  It  is  when  they  try  to  do  this  that  the 
inevitable  failure  brings  disappointments  which  could 
have  been  avoided  by  a  calmer,  saner  handling  of 
exactly  the  same  events. 

The  only  authority  which  amounts  to  anything 
when  the  children  have  once  grown  up  is  the  author- 
ity we  possess  by  right  of  having  made  something 
of  ourselves.  Wisdom  and  daily  example — courage, 
gentleness,  love — these  qualities  invest  our  very  per- 
sons with  authority,  and  we  rule  our  children  by  its 
right,  though  we  say  not  a  single  word. 

It  does  no  good  to  lock  up  grown  boys  and  girls 
in  order  to  keep  them  away  from  vice,  or  to  forbid 
certain  "  undesirable "  friends  the  hospitality  of 
the  home — this  kind  of  authority  is  about  as  effective 
as  efforts  to  stop  a  spring  freshet  with  a  dam  of 
twigs.  It  is  the  other  kind  of  authority  which  is  the 
only  real  restraint,  and  in  homes  where  it  is  exerted 
there  are  very  few  of  the  disappointments  which 
shatter  love  and  separate  mother  and  child  forever. 
For,  with  the  patience  of  motherhood,  we  must  never 
let  ourselves  forget  that  the  paths  which  seem  to 
separate  at  the  gate-way  of  the  Bridge  of  Sighs  do 
not  in  reality  do  so;  instead,  they  find  themselves 
strangely  united  at  the  other  end,  locked  together, 
safely,  lovingly,  and  for  all  time,  if  only  for  that 
short  space  there  can  be  maintained  a  gentle  peace. 

175 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

But  what  must  we  do?  I  fancy  an  anxious 
mother  may  ask.  With  the  exception  of  forbidding 
in  a  quiet  and  dignified  manner  recreations  or  friend- 
ships that  are  dangerous,  the  less  said  and  done  the 
better.  The  pioneer  work  of  discipline  and  influence 
must  have  been  done  in  the  nursery,  and  ahead, 
on  the  other  side  of  the  Bridge  of  Sighs,  are  years 
and  years  of  happy  companionship  for  all. 

Unfortunately  there  is  sure  to  be  a  space,  if  the 
child  is  to  amount  to  anything,  when  he  will  be  a 
thorn  in  his  mother's  flesh,  and  do  not  let  us  forget 
that  he  is  intolerable  to  himself  also.  The  less  said 
by  the  parents,  the  less  done,  the  better.  Heated  and 
unkind  words  entangle  mother  and  child  in  compli- 
cations a  lifetime  is  not  long  enough  to  undo. 

Once  the  child  is  conscious  of  his  own  personality 
it  is  dangerous  to  put  on  the  brakes,  or  to  try  to 
crowd  and  cramp  his  new  instincts  by  surrounding 
them  in  a  mesh  of  futile  restrictions  which  he  will 
only  ignore  without  a  second  thought.  Therefore, 
the  less  said  and  done,  the  better.  The  parents  must 
step  aside  for  a  short  time,  and  allow  the  young 
life  to  spread  and  blossom  where  it  will. 

The  only  sure  hold  they  have,  and  it  is  stronger 
than  grapplings  of  steel,  is  the  influence  of  example, 
the  protection  of  a  loving  home,  the  principles  of 
honor,  obedience,  and  self-control  deep-rooted  in 

176 


INDIVIDUALITY 

childhood,  and  the  heredity  instincts  for  good  which 
are  the  child's  guardian  angels  all  his  life.  With 
these  in  his  favor,  his  sojourn  on  the  Bridge  of 
Sighs,  even  with  its  many  revelations,  will  do  no 
harm,  rather  will  it  do  him  good.  If  he  has  poor 
home  influences  and  evil  hereditary  instincts,  the 
wringing  of  innumerable  hands  will  not  avail — at 
least  in  the  majority  of  cases,  for  his  doom  will  have 
been  sealed  before  his  birth. 


12 


XIII 
INFLUENCING  OLDER  CHILDREN 

"  What  the  father  and  mother  will  have  to  do  is  to  regulate 
their  whole  lives  so  that  the  indirect,  the  unconscious,  instruc- 
tion which  the  child  will  absorb  from  them — and  which,  in  any 
case,  means  most  for  his  future — will  make  for  his  moral 
betterment.  Always  they  must  bear  firmly  in  mind  that,  as 
wise  old  Witte  used  to  say,  'teaching  begins,  but  example 
accomplishes.' " 

— H.  ADDINGTON  BRUCE. 

IT  is  what  we  are  that  influences  our  children; 
not  what  we  tell  them  they  must  be. 

There  is  a  time  in  the  life  of  every  healthy  child 
when  he  tries  to  escape  home  influence  and  to  show 
his  independence.  Can  what  we  are  avail  then,  you 
suggest,  when  every  effort  he  makes  is  to  pull 
directly  against  us  ?  I  believe  that  it  can. 

All  through  the  wayward  stage  the  child  is  being 
saturated  with  what  his  parents  really  are,  particu- 
larly with  what  his  mother  really  is.  Impression- 
able, imitative,  wax  to  the  influence  of  a  stronger 
mind,  the  child  receives  through  all  his  wil fulness  the 
ineradicable  dye  of  his  mother's  influence.  He  is 
saturated  with  her  ideals,  her  character,  her  point 

178 


INFLUENCING  OLDER  CHILDREN 

of  view,  her  ambition,  in  fact  "  herself  "  in  all  its 
inwardness. 

This  is  one  of  the  mysteries  surrounding  mother 
and  child.  All  the  while  that  the  child  fancies  him- 
self most  independent,  he  is  unconsciously,  but  never- 
theless surely,  receiving  drop  by  drop  into  his  soul, 
the  lessons  taught  him  by  his  mother's  daily  life. 

When  the  tension  of  adolescence  changes,  as 
change  it  must,  the  child  awakens  to  the  realization 
that  in  some  strange  way  he  has  swung  round  and 
is  viewing  life  much  as  his  parents  view  it,  that  his 
vaunted  independence  was  only  a  condition  of  youth, 
quite  transitory,  an  attitude  soon  lost  when  he  found 
himself  face  to  face  with  life. 

Now  it  is  that  the  ideals  nurtured  unconsciously 
in  childhood,  and  dormant  during  the  period  of  re- 
bellion, arise  full-fledged  and  assert  their  influence, 
for  even  in  the  darkness  of  rebellion  and  misunder- 
standing he  has  made  them  his. 

There  is  only  one  way  to  give  the  child  this  silent 
help  while  he  is  apparently  pulling  hard  in  the  other 
direction.  It  is  necessary  to  be. 

Example  is  the  school  at  which  the  child  learns 
all  the  vital  lessons  of  his  life.  Years  of  book- 
learning  amount  to  nothing  against  a  single  trait 
inculcated  from  babyhood  by  means  of  imitation. 
Give  the  child's  genius  for  imitation  a  good  example 

179 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

to  draw  upon  and  his  character  is  made.  It  is  difficult 
to  find  a  better,  quicker  or  more  enduring  way  to 
impart  those  lessons  upon  which  development  de- 
pends. Instruction  without  example  counts  for  very 
little.  Example,  with  no  other  instruction,  is  suffi- 
cient to  form  character. 

But  perhaps  it  is  somewhat  trite  to  talk  of  ex- 
ample to  parents.  "  We  are  as  good  as  other  people 
— better  than  some,"  they  say,  which  is  no  doubt 
quite  true. 

But  when  it  comes  to  training  the  spiritual  and 
mental  output  of  an  intelligent  child  something  more 
definite  is  demanded  for  success  than  that  parents 
shall  be  vaguely  good  after  a  pattern  or  standard 
prevalent  among  their  neighbors.  They  must  have 
their  individual  lamps  trimmed,  for  what  they  hand 
out  as  example  is  distinctly  a  personal  and  inex- 
changeable  coin. 

Parents  do  not  need  to  be  perfect  to  have  their 
example  count.  On  the  contrary,  the  strength  that 
never  knows  weakness  is  a  too  inhuman  attribute. 
Perfection  without  a  flaw  is  cold,  and  through  its 
very  coldness  fails  to  stimulate. 

It  is  the  striving  by  parents  to  make  come  true 
in  their  own  lives  the  ideals  and  perfections  of  char- 
acter seen  in  their  spiritual  eye  which  influences.  It 
is  that  the  parents  believe  earnestly  in  something 

180 


INFLUENCING  OLDER  CHILDREN 

higher,  and  are  searching  after  it,  that  gives  true 
force  to  example.  That  the  high  things  of  life  are 
real  to  the  parents  communicates  itself  mysteriously 
to  the  child.  Though  not  a  word  is  spoken,  the  in- 
fluence is  felt — stronger  for  the  very  silence  which 
bears  it  aloft  as  a  star,  and  from  the  spiritual  reali- 
ties which  the  parents  have  made  their  own  does 
the  child  construct  that  which  shall  be  vital  and 
enduring  within  himself. 

"  My  mother  used  to  read  a  few  prayers  to  us 
every  morning  till  we  all  left  home.  I  never  once 
saw  her  do  it  that  her  voice  did  not  tremble  and 
her  eyes  fill  with  tears,  so  great  was  her  desire  that 
we  would  grow  up  into  noble  men  and  women.  That 
influence  has  meant  more  to  me  than  anything  else  in 
my  life/'  said  a  gray-haired  man  when  urged  to 
speak  of  his  youth.  And  a  woman  of  great  strength 
of  character  once  told  me  that  nothing  had  terrified 
her  in  her  whole  childhood  so  much  as  did  the  fire 
in  her  father's  eye  at  the  mere  thought  of  the  possi- 
bility of  having  been  told  an  untruth.  From  that 
instance,  she  says,  she  "  comprehended  "  truth,  as 
it  were,  and  an  unspoken  something  in  her  father's 
face  made  it  possible  for  her,  during  a  long  and 
eventful  life,  never  to  stray  from  the  light  of  that 
sudden  revelation. 

The  power  of  the  examples  here  described  lay 

181 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

not  in  the  fact  that  a  certain  father  desired  his  chil- 
dren to  speak  the  truth,  or  that  a  certain  mother  read 
daily  prayers,  but  in  the  fact  that  the  parents  spoken 
of  were  something  in  themselves.  The  longings  of 
the  mother  which  prompted  her  to  pray,  the  truth- 
fulness of  the  father  which  made  a  lie  abhorrent  to 
him,  it  is  in  these  that  the  power  to  influence  lay. 

Every  child  should  feel,  though  a  thousand  proofs 
to  the  contrary  were  offered,  that  his  mother  and 
father  represent  in  their  own  persons  perfect  truth  of 
word  and  deed  toward  all  men. 

For  the  keen  judgment  of  a  child  to  rest  satisfied 
in  this  faith  proves  that  in  the  thousand  little  things 
which  crop  up  for  daily  discussion  and  decision,  the 
parents  have  given  their  unfailing  allegiance  to  the 
right.  They  have  had  a  high  code  of  honor  and  have 
unfolded  it  gradually  before  their  children.  They 
are  not  perfect,  but  are  striving  after  perfection. 
Not  ideal,  but  having  ideals  constantly  before  them 
in  the  daily  working  out  of  their  lives.  Their  great 
strength  lies  in  the  fact  that  they  are  careful  of 
little  things. 

The  most  productive  line  of  influence  over  grow- 
ing children  is  therefore  to  really  be  that  which  you 
wish  them  to  become.  Nothing  else  will  ever  take  the 
place  of  this  particular  kind  of  influence.  No  ready- 
made  examples,  no  purchased  advantages,  no 

182 


INFLUENCING  OLDER  CHILDREN 

amount  of  talk  will  ever  do  for  them  what  it  will  do. 

Another  line  of  influence  is  the  intellectual.  Try 
to  follow  the  individual  instincts  of  each  growing 
child.  It  has  been  said,  perhaps  somewhat  irrev- 
erently, that  now  "  mother's  table-talk  is  more  im- 
portant than  her  doughnuts !  "  Be  that  as  it  may,  it 
is  necessary  to  grow  with  our  children. 

The  world  has  a  little  way  of  going  on  however 
we  may  wish  to  hold  to  the  old  way  of  doing  things. 
Every  year  there  are  new  thoughts  to  accept,  new 
books  to  read,  new  subjects  to  try  to  understand, 
new  ways  of  doing  old  things.  The  mother  who 
uses  her  intelligence  to  keep  up  with  the  world  is 
the  mother  who  will  retain  her  influence. 

To  guide  and  direct  growing  children  it  is  neces- 
sary to  see  life  from  their  standpoint,  and  when 
mothers  find  themselves  pushed  aside  it  is  usually 
because  they  have  first  been  willing  to  stand  still. 

Where  ridicule  and  conflict  exist  at  home  in- 
stead of  intelligent  sympathy  the  children  soon  feel 
their  allegiance  swerve,  for  loudest  of  all  cries  in 
the  heart  of  the  growing  boy  or  girl  is  the  cry  for 
understanding,  and  as  unerring  in  their  instinct  as 
the  magnetic  needle,  they  go  swiftly  where  they 
will  be  satisfied.  Once  gone  they  are  hard  to  win 
back.  Therefore  it  is  only  being  provident  of  the 
future  for  the  mother  to  secure  the  line  of  influence 

183 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

which  I  have  called  the  intellectual  as  soon  as  pos- 
sible and  at  whatever  cost. 

Even  if  she  is  not  very  clever,  the  mother  who 
loves  her  child  in  the  highest  way  soon  grows  to  see 
through  his  eyes,  and  to  love  what  he  loves.  It  is 
not  hard,  if  she  begins  in  time,  to  give  him  sym- 
pathy and  the  stimulant  of  approbation,  and  she 
need  not  discourage  or  wound  him  even  if  she  does 
not  always  see  the  end  of  his  efforts  in  full  view. 
Mothers  need  faith  every  hour  in  the  day. 

Then  there  is  the  home,  or  the  material  line  of 
influence.  It  is  so  easy  to  forget  how  much  sur- 
roundings mean  to  the  growing  child. 

Mrs.  Deland  shows  us  in  the  character  of  Blair 
in  "  The  Iron  Woman  "  how  a  child  may  be  dis- 
couraged and  thrown  back  upon  himself  by  the  fail- 
ure of  the  home  to  minister  to  his  highest  needs. 

A  sensitive,  highly-organized  child  may  be 
greatly  shocked  by  home  surroundings  which  per- 
fectly satisfy  his  parents.  The  spirit  of  "  what's  good 
enough  for  me  is  good  enough  for  my  children  "  has 
been  the  ruin  of  many  a  home. 

In  this  land  of  quick  fortunes,  sudden  social  up- 
heavals, and  abrupt  changes  in  family  circumstance, 
it  does  not  do  to  settle  down  into  any  fixed  form  of 
thought.  The  mother  must  hold  herself  ready  to 
progress  instantly  if  she  is  given  the  chance. 

184 


INFLUENCING  OLDER  CHILDREN 

Into  the  material  making  of  the  home  the 
mother's  very  best  must  go.  Often  little  things  hold 
back  a  whole  family's  spiritual  advance. 

For  instance,  the  cold,  gloomy,  unlived-in  parlor ! 
Abolish  it,  and  instead  create  a  living-room  with 
reading  lamps,  easy  chairs,  and  book-shelves.  Make 
this  room  bright  and  cheerful  and  welcome  the  chil- 
dren's friends  there  at  all  times.  I  often  wonder 
where  the  family  congregate  in  many  homes  where 
there  is  no  general  room.  Kitchen  and  doorstep  are 
poor  substitutes  for  the  comforts  of  a  common  room 
open  to  the  interests,  games,  and  occupations  of  each 
member  of  the  family. 

The  material  line  of  influence  is  particularly 
important  when  we  want  to  reach  boys,  for  boys 
are  as  easily  drawn  by  the  comforts  of  home  as  they 
are  driven  off  by  its  inability  to  cheer  and  satisfy. 
To  forbid  older  boys  to  smoke  at  home,  to  refuse 
to  welcome  their  friends,  to  be  over-particular  and 
exacting  in  matters  of  neatness  only  drive  them  hope- 
lessly away. 

Never  make  it  easy  for  a  boy  to  leave  home. 
On  the  contrary,  use  all  your  ingenuity  to  make  the 
boys  of  the  family  feel  that  they  are  important  to 
the  home,  always  wanted,  always  necessary  to  their 
mother's  happiness  and  always  looked  upon  by  her  as 
her  main  prop  and  help  in  every  event  of  family  life. 

185 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

There  is  another  line  of  influence,  I  scarcely 
know  what  to  call  it — it  has  to  do  with  the  rights 
of  personality.  The  growing  child  must  have  his 
rights  considered.  Too  often  he  is  made  to  do 
uncongenial  tasks  that  would  not  be  exacted  of  his 
older  brothers  and  sisters,  given  no  place  of  his  own, 
sometimes  not  even  his  own  bed.  His  toys,  books, 
and  little  inventions  are  not  respected  by  others,  and 
he  is  made  use  of  at  every  turn  without  a  serious 
thought  being  given  to  his  personal  life,  because — 
and  here  is  the  point — because  he  is  only  a  child.  Yet 
is  he  only  a  child  ?  Is  there  not  something  more  in 
him  than  the  vague,  indefinite  outlines  of  childhood? 
I  think  there  is,  and  I  feel  sure  that  it  is  this  element 
in  him  which  his  parents  too  often  discount. 

By  the  very  discounting  of  this  early  demand 
of  his  nature  for  individual  recognition  they  fail  to 
gather  into  their  hands  one  of  the  strongest  of  all 
lines  of  influence  as  he  grows  older,  namely,  his  ardor 
to  please  and  obey  those  who  have  made  it  easy  for 
him  to  become  himself. 

While  helping  him  to  guard  his  personal  rights 
and  secure  space  in  the  family  for  development,  the 
parents,  through  sympathy,  come  for  the  first  time 
to  really  know  their  child.  The  wondrous  spirit 
"  self,"  shy  as  a  bird  and  as  easily  hurt,  they  find 
must  be  wooed  with  unutterable  patience.  But  to 

186 


INFLUENCING  OLDER  CHILDREN 

try  for  its  capture,  they  also  find  is  well  worth  while. 

It  pays  to  take  children  seriously.  Children  re- 
spond instantly  to  those  who  reverence  the  first  faint 
stirrings  of  the  selfhood  within  them,  and  who  help 
them  in  their  first  efforts  to  make  toward  the  light  of 
individual  life. 

It  is  always  disturbing  to  see  unexpected  charac- 
teristics cropping  up  in  one's  children,  and  there  are 
sure  to  be  moments  of  keen  disappointment  to  every 
parent  in  the  development  of  every  child,  but  because 
your  children  do  not  develop  along  your  own  particu- 
lar lines  they  are  not  necessarily  failures. 

Realize  that  the  child  is  not  all  you,  nor  yet  is  he 
all  his  father.  The  instincts  of  a  double  line  of  ances- 
try clamor  in  him  for  recognition.  Centuries  of 
men  and  women  have  left  him  the  legacy  of  their 
hopes  and  fears,  their  virtues  and  their  vices.  You 
must  take  him  as  you  find  him — not  with  the  desire  to 
make  him  over  into  some  type  you  particularly  ad- 
mire, but  with  the  solemn  realization  that  your  part 
is  to  help  him  find  himself,  and  to  assist  him  in  follow- 
ing the  highest  instincts  with  which  he  has  been 
endowed. 

To  clear  away  the  hindrances  in  his  path  is  often 
more  important  than  any  other  line  of  endeavor. 
You  may  find  that  you  can  influence  most  while  talk- 
ing least,  and  may  come  to  realize  that  often  the  most 

187 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

harmful  thing  a  mother  can  possibly  do  is  to  put 
her  personality  in  opposition  to  her  child's.  I  can 
only  say  again  and  again  "  sympathy,  sympathy." 

In  the  few  crises  when  it  is  impossible  to  feel 
sympathy,  then  silence,  lest  you  lose  forever  that 
mysterious  something,  that  spiritual  nearness  which 
is  the  very  core  and  heart  of  influence.  But  behind 
and  through  the  sympathy  and  still  behind  and 
through  the  silence  must  be  felt  the  magnetic  strength 
of  will  and  character  that  is  the  foundation  of  all 
real  power.  To  have  this  strength,  you  must  be. 


XIV 
HOME  AND  THE  CHILD 

"  When  all  is  still  within  these  walls, 
And  Thy  sweet  sleep  through  darkness  falls 
On  little  hearts  that  trust  in  me, 
However  bitter  toil  may  be, 
For  length  of  days,  O  Lord!  on  Thee 
My  spirit  calls. 

"  Their  daily  need  by  day  enthralls 
My  hand  and  brain,  but  when  night  falls 
And  leaves  the  questioning  spirit  free 
To  brood  upon  the  days  to  be, 
For  time  and  strength,  O  Lord !  on  Thee 

My  spirit  calls." 
— T.  A.  DALY,  in  The  Evening  Bulletin  of  Philadelphia. 

I  HAVE  in  my  mind,  as  I  begin  to  write,  the  picture 
of  an  old  lady  of  seventy-eight,  sitting  all  day  long 
by  a  certain  sunny  window,  her  keen  eyes  looking 
out  from  under  the  white  folds  of  her  cap,  still  eager 
to  meet  the  ever-new  and  ever- wonderful  problems 
of  the  world. 

This  picture  embodies  for  me  the  true  meaning 
of  what  it  is  to  be  the  head  of  the  home.  Until 
her  death,  the  home  which  this  mother's  influence 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

dominated  was  the  spiritual  as  well  as  the  physical 
home  of  the  five  children  who  grew  to  manhood  and 
womanhood  within  it. 

Even  as  they  departed  on  their  several  marriage 
days,  its  hold  was  such  that  they  returned  with  every 
care  and  burden  to  learn  how  to  bear  or  solve  it 
beside  that  parent  who  had  guided  their  first  steps. 
Not  a  decision  was  made  that  had  not  first  been 
laid  at  her  feet;  not  an  important  step  taken  until 
she  had  first  been  eagerly  consulted. 

Often,  when  her  opinion  was  asked  upon  a  par- 
ticularly grave  subject,  she  would  smile  and  shake 
her  head,  but  the  next  day  would  come  a  letter,  the 
result  of  a  night  of  careful  thought,  and  the  judg- 
ment expressed  in  it  so  logically,  prudently,  and 
lovingly,  was  inevitably  felt  to  be  correct. 

Death  failed  to  destroy  the  power  of  the  home 
of  which  I  speak,  for  the  children — now  gray-haired 
men  and  women — still  ask  when  anxious  or  per- 
plexed, "  What  would  mother  have  said?  " 

The  ideal  function  of  the  home  is  to  provide  for 
the  children  who  are  growing  up  within  it,  as  well 
as  for  those  who  have  already  reached  manhood 
and  womanhood,  a  place  always  a  little  ahead  of 
them  in  the  race,  a  place  beyond,  toward  which  they 
can  turn  for  sympathy,  understanding,  encourage- 
ment and  incentive  to  do  their  best. 

190 


HOME  AND  THE  CHILD 

Why  should  nine  homes  out  of  ten  fail  utterly  to 
supply  this  incentive?  Why,  instead,  must  we  so 
often  witness  one  of  life's  saddest  sights,  the  de- 
parture of  children  from  the  home  as  soon  as  they 
are  able  to  contribute  something  to  it? 

Two  answers  may  be  given  to  this  question. 
Much  lies  in  the  children,  of  course,  for  each  gen- 
eration has  the  world-old  longing  for  experience, 
and  is  animated  by  the  same  burning  desire  for  self- 
expression  and  action  not  bounded  by  the  high  and 
narrow  walls  of  home.  That  the  walls  of  the  home 
are  high  and  narrow  (not  broad,  generous  and  in- 
viting) ,  is  the  second  reason,  and  they  are  built  by  the 
parents'  hands. 

The  parents,  in  the  nine  homes  out  of  ten,  have 
neglected  to  prepare  themselves  with  an  equipment 
that  will  attract  and  hold  their  developing  children. 
Instead  of  leading  and  encouraging,  they  plant 
themselves  in  opposition  to  the  natural  progress  of 
the  age  as  manifested  in  their  children.  Their  en- 
deavor is  to  hold  back  rather  than  to  encourage, 
and,  impatient  of  restraint,  the  children  break  away 
and  the  parents  find  themselves  alone. 

The  natural  result  of  a  happy  marriage  is  narrow- 
ness. 

Too  often  marriage  puts  an  absolute  end  to 
the  mental  life  of  the  wife,  and  the  strength  of 

191 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

the  young  husband  is  turned  at  a  sharp  angle  from 
pursuits  of  an  intellectual  nature,  into  the  treadmill 
of  business.  Business  at  all  sacrifices,  for  it  produces 
money,  and  without  money  the  little  family  must 
perish.  And  it  is  a  fear  not  to  be  despised  which 
prompts  and  goads  the  energies  of  the  father — the 
fear  that  the  wolf  may  not  be  kept  at  bay  from  the 
home  for  which  he  holds  himself  responsible. 

Granting  and  fully  appreciating  this  fear,  let  him 
look  for  one  moment  on  the  reverse  of  the  picture. 
The  father  has  a  great  responsibility  to  his  children 
as  they  grow  older,  and  it  is  not  only  that  they  may 
be  fed  and  clothed.  He  is  their  natural  adviser,  he 
should  be  their  friend,  companion,  and  counsellor,  as 
well  as  bank,  and  how  can  he  be  these  things  unless 
he  has  taken  time  for  self -improvement,  as  well  as 
money-making  ? 

Let  us  think  of  the  child's  life  in  relation  to  the 
home.  First,  babyhood:  The  principal  function  of 
the  home  in  babyhood  is  to  provide  a  scaffolding  for 
the  rising  walls  of  manhood.  The  tiny  morsel  of 
humanity  must  be  allowed  to  develop  his  body,  the 
practical  aspects  of  the  home  come  first. 

But  a  subtle  change  begins  to  work  with  the 
child's  educational  years.  These  we  may  roughly 
call  ten,  eight  to  eighteen,  and  during  their  progress 

192 


HOME  AND  THE  CHILD 

the  function  of  the  home  finds  itself  altogether 
changed. 

No  longer  does  the  careful  diet,  the  screened 
windows,  the  regulated  atmosphere,  the  imposed 
"  hush  "  play  their  once  important  roles.  A  narrow 
bed,  a  cold  room,  anything  to  eat ;  it  matters  not  now. 
The  child's  soul  is  beginning  to  grow,  and  in  the  new 
fascinations  of  self -discovery,  creature  comforts  are 
forgotten  altogether. 

Does  the  home  provide  him  with  the  confidence, 
sympathy,  and  encouragement  he  needs  to  reach  his 
true  proportions  in  this  second  period?  If  so,  it  has 
fulfilled  its  destiny,  but  the  miracle  can  not  be  worked 
except  at  the  hands  of  the  parents.  Four  walls  and 
a  roof,  however  beautiful,  can  never  be  made  into  a 
true  home  for  the  mind  of  a  growing  child  unless 
they  are  lit  from  within.  Personality,  culture,  dig- 
nity, understanding,  and  quiet,  peaceful  sympathy  at 
the  parents'  hands,  these  are  needed  more  than 
"  ceiled  with  cedar  and  painted  with  vermilion/'  and 
these,  when  exhibited  in  a  home,  give  it  the  magnet- 
quality,  from  which  those  once  under  its  influence 
never  escape. 

Then  there  is  a  third  period  which  includes  the 
child's  life  from  his  last  day  at  school  until  he  leaves 
the  home.  In  these  days  of  late  marriages,  and  long 
preparations  for  professional  careers,  it  is  possible 

13  193 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

that  ten  more  years  may  be  added  before  this  end  is 
reached.  It  is  now  that  the  foundations  of  the  home 
tremble.  It  is  now,  if  the  tragedy  is  to  happen,  that 
father  and  mother  are  made  back  numbers,  no  longer 
consulted  even  as  a  matter  of  form.  The  home  still 
provides  a  shelter  for  the  bodies  of  the  children,  but 
its  control  over  their  minds  is  gone  forever.  They 
are  now  men  and  women  with  pronounced  individ- 
ualities, amusements,  ambitions,  and  friends  they  do 
not  share.  The  parents  are  sometimes  rudely,  some- 
times gently,  but  always  quite  surely,  pushed  out  of 
all  that  is  vital  in  their  lives.  Parents  who  succeed 
admirably  in  the  first  part  of  their  children's  lives 
may  fail  utterly  in  the  second  and  third. 

Yet  the  solution  of  the  problem  lies  in  the 
parents'  hands.  Children  can  not  be  compelled  to 
love  home.  Love  of  home  is  the  fruit  of  a  tree,  the 
roots  of  which  grow  deep  in  the  parents'  hearts. 
The  mother  and  father  must  have  something  to  give, 
and  having  it,  rest  assured  the  children  will  not  need 
to  be  told  twice  to  ask. 

The  appetite  of  the  developing  mind  is  ravenous. 
If  it  once  discovers  that  it  can  turn  to  its  parents  for 
food,  how  gladly,  how  sweetly,  how  naturally  will  it 
so  turn! 

For  this  reason  it  is  unwise  for  parents  to  allow 
themselves  to  sink  too  much  into  the  background 

194 


HOME  AND  THE  CHILD 

of  life.  It  is  better  to  make  a  struggle  to  maintain 
in  the  world  whatever  influence  and  position  they 
may  have.  To  be  in  the  world,  not  of  it,  is  to  keep 
advice  and  judgment  in  condition  to  be  of  use. 

This  can  only  be  accomplished  by  giving  time  to 
self -development  and  thought  of  self -culture.  If 
this  seems  hard,  tedious,  or  not  worth  while,  remem- 
ber the  words  of  Phillips  Brooks :  "  He  who  helps 
a  child  helps  humanity  with  a  distinctness,  with  an 
immediateness,  which  no  other  help  given  to  human 
creatures  in  any  other  stage  of  their  human  life  can 
possibly  give  again." 

Every  human  being,  even  the  smallest  child,  longs 
for  self-expression,  and  it  is  in  the  home  that  he 
should  find  it. 

In  certain  environments  we  unfold,  the  tight,  puz- 
zled places  in  our  natures  uncurl,  and  we  bask  and 
open  and  grow  toward  the  light. 

In  other  environments  we  shrink  back ;  a  bolt  is 
shot  to  somewhere  in  us  and  we  are  first  silent, 
then  taciturn  and  morose. 

The  ideal  home  invites  self-expression,  the  home 
which  is  really  not  a  home  but  a  shelter  discourages 
and  destroys  it. 

Just  what  do  we  mean  by  self-expression?  We 
mean  the  working  out  of  personal  development,  the 
gradual  coming  to  one's  own,  as  it  were,  the  finding 

195 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

of  one's  self  little  by  little,  and  the  slow  gaining 
and  building  of  character.  Also  we  mean  the  follow- 
ing to  achievement  of  any  talent  or  special  natural 
gift. 

The  best  thing  that  can  happen  to  a  child  is  to 
find  himself  growing  up  in  an  environment  in  which 
he  can  do  these  things  naturally,  in  the  light  of  day. 
The  worst  thing  that  can  happen  to  him  is  to  be 
forced  through  lack  of  sympathy  to  follow  his  star 
furtively,  covertly,  fearfully,  and  alone. 

I  know  a  child  who  once  longed  to  become  an 
artist.  He  drew  pictures  on  every  piece  of  waste 
paper  that  was  thrown  from  his  mother's  desk.  But 
his  parents  had  great  fun  in  holding  up  his  efforts 
to  ridicule,  and  his  brothers  and  sisters  enjoyed 
nothing  so  much  as  a  laugh  at  his  expense.  Hurt  in 
his  most  sensitive  part,  which  was  his  desire  to  ex- 
press himself  through  art,  the  child  clung  passion- 
ately to  his  gift  but  proceeded  to  develop  it  in  secret. 
Ingratiating  himself  with  his  drawing-master,  he 
soon  became  a  favorite  pupil  and  had  frequent  les- 
sons out  of  school.  At  an  early  age  this  boy  left 
home  to  follow  his  talent  out  in  the  world,  where 
eventually  he  won  the  recognition  refused  him  in 
his  own  home. 

A  home  that  turns  its  gifted  children  out  into  the 

196 


HOME  AND  THE  CHILD 

world  is  a  failure.  It  is  made  a  failure  by  the  parents 
through  ignorance,  selfishness,  and  lack  of  sym- 
pathy. The  picture  of  little  Handel  playing  his 
beloved  spinet  in  his  night  clothes  for  fear  of  the 
sarcasm  of  his  parents  illustrates  this  thought. 

The  simple  home  is  the  best  home.  Money  can 
buy  many  things,  but  it  is  valueless  where  the  essen- 
tials of  moral  life  are  concerned.  It  can  not  for 
one  little  instant  buy  the  atmosphere  which  pervades 
the  ideal  home.  That  is  a  thing  which  is  paid  for 
from  a  moral  bank,  and  the  bank  is  in  the  hands  of 
the  parents;  its  coin  is  not  interchangeable.  It  is 
the  fruit  of  their  lives,  an  indescribable  quality  which 
is  felt  instantly  by  every  stranger  who  comes  under 
their  roof;  We  call  this  the  tone  of  the  home.  It 
is  the  self-expression  of  the  parents. 

One  of  the  values  of  poverty  is  that  it  causes  us 
to  concentrate  our  powers  upon  a  few  things.  Many 
a  vast  house  remains  a  house  all  its  days  instead  of 
becoming  a  home,  for  the  sole  reason  that  there  is 
too  much  of  it  for  any  one  person  or  one  family  to 
vitalize. 

It  is  not  easy  to  make  every  article  in  one's  home 
personal.  Yet  this  lies  before  the  mother  as  the 
only  means  of  vitalizing  her  possessions  so  that  the 
inanimate  mysteriously  becomes  animate,  dead  tim- 
ber and  stones  alive,  inner  furnishings  exhaling, 

197 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

though  worn  and  threadbare,  the  very  essence  of 
personality. 

How  is  this  done  ?  Through  time,  thought,  com- 
panionship, and  the  sweet  gift  of  daily  love.  It 
is  dangerous  to  let  things  in  the  aggregate  add  up 
to  a  total  anywhere  near  the  total  of  inner  wealth. 
To  know  when  to  stop  is  an  art  we  Americans  seldom 
master.  As  a  clever  writer  has  recently  said,  "  We 
must  give  quality  to  our  belongings  instead  of  de- 
manding belongings  which  we  hope  will  give  quality 
to  us." 

It  is  better  to  concentrate  upon  a  few  things — 
thus  eternally  deepening  their  worth,  than  to  spread 
one's  self  thin  over  many  things,  denying  both  to 
them  and  to  ourselves  the  lasting  attributes  which 
are  born  of  love  and  daily,  hourly  intercourse. 

To  quote  from  a  recent  article  by  Miss  Cromer, 
which  appeared  in  the  North  American:  "  I  never 
doubted  from  the  time  I  consciously  began  to  care 
for  old  furniture,  old  rugs,  old  china — all  the  beauti- 
ful cast-offs  of  vanished  lives — that  a  vast  part  of 
their  charm  was  atmosphere,  was  something  imparted 
to  them  by  the  affection  of  those  forgotten  ones  and 
now  inhering,  for  the  perceptive  vision,  in  their  very 
substance.  The  craftsman  of  those  elder  days  is 
not  the  only  creator  of  the  beauty  that  has  come 
down  to  us.  Whoever  has  loved  another's  work 

198 


HOME  AND  THE  CHILD 

has  thereby  added  something  to  it.  I,  in  my  turn, 
ought  to  be  beautifying  my  belongings  for  those 
who  come  after  me." 

Does  not  this  thought  make  a  very  powerful 
appeal  to  any  of  us  who  are  in  the  act  of  home- 
building?  Some  rooms  seem  to  speak  out  a  welcome 
as  we  enter;  some  houses  seem  almost  to  beckon  as 
one  passes  by.  They  have  received  their  gift  through 
love  and  because  of  love. 

We  can  all  do  this  with  our  homes,  and  oh! 
it  means  so  much  to  the  children;  for,  if  the  parents 
are  cultured,  the  home  shows  their  culture;  if  they 
are  kindly,  charitable,  open-hearted,  it  at  once  takes 
on  a  subtle  atmosphere  of  cheer.  If  they  are  honor- 
able and  honest,  immediately  the  home  catches  their 
tone  and  bravely  plays  its  accompanying  whole- 
some note.  The  chord  of  that  note  is  made  of  the 
varying  but  harmonious  tones  of  each  child  who  is 
coming  to  maturity  under  its  roof.  And  if  the  parents 
truly  love  one  another,  mysteriously  and  wonderfully 
their  love  emphasizes,  colors,  and  directs  the  whole. 

I  can  not  imagine  any  check  more  fatal  to  the 
natural  development  of  a  child  than  to  surprise  his 
father  and  mother  in  the  act  of  quarrelling.  What 
can  the  little  nature  do  but  shrink  back,  lose  confi- 
dence in  the  blue  of  heaven,  and  begin  the  painful 
process  of  inward  growth? 

199 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

The  green  shoots  of  character  as  they  appear 
above  the  even  fruitful  soil  of  babyhood  are  very 
tender.  Surprised  by  a  cold  look  or  broken  by  a 
harsh  and  unexpected  word  they  become  perverted; 
they  cease  to  grow  toward  the  light ;  they  die. 

The  home,  to  be  ideal,  must  draw  the  child  onward 
and  outward.  There  is  nothing  like  the  warmth  of 
true  love  to  do  this ;  not  capricious  love  which  pays  for 
a  season  of  neglect  by  a  wax  doll  or  a  box  of  candy, 
but  faithful,  thoughtful,  continuous  sympathy — real 
interest  in  everything  that  interests  the  child,  un- 
feigned delight  in  his  delights,  readiness  to  explain 
each  wonderful  mystery  of  life  as  soon  as  the  eager 
advance  of  the  young  soul  demands  knowledge, 
sympathy,  and  allegiance.  This  is  what  the  child 
asks — that  his  parents  may  be  his  allies  in  his  fight 
for  individual  life  and  help  him  to  discover  the 
enchanted  continent  of  self  with  all  its  wonders. 

A  simple  home,  therefore,  a  cultured  home,  a 
home  where  peace  and  charity  prevail,  is.  best;  and 
ruling  it,  parents  whose  love  for  each  other  is  the 
great  key  to  all  difficulty,  an  ever-present  romance 
which  gilds  the  dullest  day  and  teaches  a  noble 
lesson  by  its  existence  alone. 

This  is  the  home  which  provides  an  ideal  atmos- 
phere for  the  highest  development  of  children.  In 
it  they  express  themselves;  through  its  kindly  win- 

200 


HOME  AND  THE  CHILD 

dows  they  first  make  friends  with  the  unknown  world 
outside,  and  when  they  eventually  go  out  to  seek 
their  fortunes,  the  ideals  inspired  by  that  home  re- 
main a  moral  and  spiritual  shelter  forever. 

And  what  of  taste  in  the  home?  Taste  is  a 
special  gift,  dropped  by  a  good  fairy  into  the  hand 
of  the  child  in  his  cradle ;  it  cannot  be  bought.  Money 
judiciously  spent  by  discreet  parents  may  trim  and 
furbelow  the  child,  but  it  can  not  buy  for  him  an  eye 
that  sees  harmoniously  or  the  innate  sense  which 
makes  him  feel  instinctively  what  things  are  good  and 
shrink  back  almost  with  a  sense  of  physical  illness 
when  he  is  surrounded  by  confusion  and  crude 
colors. 

Some  of  the  costliest  houses  are  filled  with  gro- 
tesque unrelated  pieces  of  furniture  and  yet  a  simple 
youth  may  be  born  with  the  instinctive  power  to  know 
just  what  curve  in  the  leg  of  a  chair  makes  it  a 
veritable  "  find,"  and  just  what  slender  slant  to  the 
back  of  an  old  bench  assures  us  that  it  is  the  "  real 
thing." 

Though  taste  may  be  a  fairy's  gift,  parents  can 
help  their  children  to  acquire  a  pretty  creditable  imi- 
tation of  the  sense  if  nature  has  denied  it. 

Do  parents  think  enough  of  their  duty — or  may 
I  say  their  privilege — in  this  direction  ?  I  believe  not, 
for  in  the  usual  modern  family  it  is  rare  indeed  to 

201 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

find  one  thought  given  to  the  true  cultivation  of  the 
eye — to  the  development  of  what  we  call  taste. 

Yet  rich  or  poor,  no  quality  will  stand  the  child 
in  better  stead  when  he  comes  to  the  elective  age. 

To  prepare  him  for  the  age  of  individual  selec- 
tion, begin  in  babyhood  to  surround  him  only  with 
harmonious  and  carefully-chosen  things.  Simplicity 
is  the  secret  of  true  art,  and  simplicity,  you  know, 
may  be  as  expensive  as  one  will. 

No  bric-a-brac,  no  bargain  pictures,  no  tawdry, 
cheap  furniture,  no  "  imitation  "  anything.  These 
destroy  in  the  receptive  mind  of  the  little  child  the 
very  quality  one  is  endeavoring  to  cultivate — sense 
of  proportion  and  intuitive  response  to  the  beautiful. 

Let  us  be  practical  for  a  moment  and  go  into 
detail.  Choose  for  the  nursery  a  pale  pink  or  simple 
white  and  have  nothing  in  the  room  that  can  not  be 
kept  freshly  washed  and  ironed.  Emphasize  this 
delicate  background  by  a  chest  or  two  of  dull  mahog- 
any, a  polished  brass  candlestick,  or  a  chair  of  plaited 
rush. 

Down  stairs  do  away  with  all  crude  colors,  for 
the  first  step  toward  the  cultivation  of  taste  is  to 
train  the  eye  in  this  neglected  direction.  There  are 
too  many  raw  colors  in  most  of  our  homes.  No 
wonder  the  children  grow  up  to  desire  scarlet  libra- 

202 


HOME  AND  THE  CHILD 

ries,  pea-green  velvet  parlor  suites,  and  canary 
boudoirs ! 

Take  the  soft  nondescript  color  of  autumn 
leaves  for  the  living-room.  Brighten  this  with  a  few 
good  pieces  of  furniture,  the  friendly  faces  of  a 
number  of  real  pictures,  and  if  possible  a  good  rug. 
There  is  no  place  in  the  simple  home  for  satins, 
damasks,  and  velvets.  Upholstered  furniture  is  ex- 
pensive and  unless  very  good  it  is  not  desirable. 

Never  let  your  child  see  a  number  of  unrelated 
so-called  "  ornaments  "  on  the  mantle-shelves  and 
tables.  A  good  clock,  a  vase  or  two  if  they  are  of 
fine  glass  or  interesting  pottery,  or  a  pair  of  plain, 
well- formed  candlesticks — these  are  enough. 

Abolish  the  draped  piano,  the  tea  table,  the  scarfs, 
tidies,  and  unused  company  cushions.  Table-cloths 
are  as  obsolete  as  the  mastodon  and  the  center-table 
in  the  living-room  should  have  nothing  but  a  small 
round  mat  of  painted  leather  under  the  lamp — a  prac- 
tical double-burner  with  sensible  dark-green  shades 
around  which  the  family  can  gather  every  evening, 
and  on  it  a  few  good  books — nothing  else. 

Do  not  choose  carpets,  curtains,  and  wall-paper 
of  pronounced  patterns.  Plain  colors,  or  a  figure 
almost  nondescript,  have  taken  their  place.  No  for- 
mal lace  curtains  are  found  in  the  successful  home 
of  to-day.  Soft  mull  drapes  the  windows,  or  bright 

203 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

chintz — or  often  they  are  left  quite  bare  with  cheer- 
ful flowers  and  plenty  of  space  for  light  and  air. 

In  the  dining-room  be  particularly  careful  of 
each  appointment.  Do  not  let  your  child's  eyes  be- 
come used  to  cheap  lace,  imitation  silver,  incon- 
gruous china.  Choose  one  color — delft  blue  is  good, 
and  replenish  your  china  always  in  this  shade.  At 
last,  at  no  extra  expense  to  yourself,  you  will  find 
that  each  unrelated  piece  of  necessary  china  is  uni- 
form in  shade,  and  that  your  table  is  always  dainty. 

I  do  not  mean  to  set  up  impossible  ideals  for 
simple  people ;  on  the  contrary,  only  to  beg  for  more 
consideration  in  the  training  of  taste  in  children. 
Good  pictures  are  as  cheap  as  bad,  good  furniture 
far  cheaper  in  the  end ;  and  it  is  more  economical  to 
eliminate  dust-gathering  ornaments  and  substitute 
a  good  piece  of  brass  or  a  bowl  of  pottery  that  will 
last  a  lifetime,  than  to  "  decorate  "  (hateful  word !), 
from  the  bargain  sales  or  catalogues  of  department 
stores. 

To  furnish  the  home  on  a  foundation  color 
which  will  act  as  a  basis  for  each  new  purchase  is 
cheap  when  compared  to  the  "  doing  over "  and 
keeping  up  of  each  room  in  a  different  style  and 
color,  and  better,  far  better  in  the  end. 

Let  me  plead  for  good  furniture!  If  you  can 
not  do  it  all  at  once,  resolve  that  at  least  you  will 

204 


HOME  AND  THE  CHILD 

buy  one  solid  piece  of  seasoned  mahogany  every 
year! 

Never  buy  at  an  August  sale !  never  expect  to  get 
a  bargain.  Look  to  the  future  of  your  home  and 
place  in  it  the  handicraft  of  the  masters  of  old.  Their 
art,  impossible  to  cheaply  imitate,  though  it  can  be 
carefully  copied,  is  the  emblem  of  true  culture,  and 
those  who  love  it  and  who  have  been  brought  up 
under  its  shadow  are  unable  in  a  lifetime  to  pay  their 
debt  of  gratitude. 

What  I  would  like  to  see  abolished  from  the 
home  are  the  useless,  the  ornate,  the  crude,  substi- 
tuting the  useful,  the  harmonious.  And  why? 

Can  you  not  see  what  it  means  to  the  child  to 
be  surrounded  by  lamps  that  do  not  give  light,  tea- 
pots that  do  not  pour  tea,  cushions  that  were  never 
designed  to  give  rest,  vases  that  are  not  meant  to 
hold  flowers,  clocks  that  do  not  keep  time,  chairs 
that  are  to  be  looked  at,  not  sat  upon,  and  colors  not 
combined  after  nature's  harmonious  scheme,  but 
after  man's  often  only  half -developed  sense? 

Such  surroundings  have  the  same  effect  upon  the 
tender  instinctive  movings  toward  taste  in  a  child  that 
a  spadeful  of  stones  would  have  if  thrown  upon  a 
seedling !  They  annihilate  it  without  hope  of  resur- 
rection. 

I  would  have  the  child  brought  up  to  live  in  his 

205 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

home.  I  would  have  nothing  in  it  the  beauty  of 
which  has  not,  as  the  first  reason  for  its  existence, 
a  foundation  of  true  usefulness.  I  would  have  his 
baby  eyes  open  upon  the  tender  faces  of  the  world's 
immortal  madonnas  looking  down  at  him  from  the 
nursery  walls,  I  would  have  him  climb  up  for  the 
first  time  beside  the  gentle  curves  of  the  sweet  old 
chairs  and  tables  of  the  past,  redolent  of  their  own 
peculiar  "  smack  of  age,  and  relish  of  the  saltness  of 
time."  I  would  have  him  acquire  his  truest  culture 
right  in  the  heart  of  his  own  home,  and  go  out  from 
it  with  a  taste  so  surely  formed,  so  absolutely 
grounded  in  the  essentials  of  shape  and  color,  that  it 
would  be  impossible  for  him  to  make  an  error  in 
choosing  his  own  surroundings  or  to  be  contented 
amid  any  less  satisfying  to  his  higher  self  than  these 
provided  for  him  by  the  culture  and  judgment  of 
his  parents. 


XV 

HOW  MUCH  SHALL  WE  TELL  THE 
CHILDREN? 

"Chastity  is  a  tower.  Deep  down  in  the  soul  must  be 
placed  foundations  for  the  support.  Such  foundations  are  self- 
control,  self-sacrifice,  obedience  to  conscience  and  external 
authority,  modesty,  love  of  purity,  respect  for  self  and  others, 
high  reverence  for  motherhood,  and  all  the  traits  which  com- 
bine to  make  a  sweet,  noble,  strong  character.  Elemental  char- 
acter-training is  the  first  important  step  toward  purity.  Sex- 
instruction  will  not  give  character.  _pATHER  TIERNEY. 

WE  mothers  to  be  truly  effective  must  not 
only  know  what  we  believe,  but  why.  Autocracies 
even  in  family  life  are  out  of  date,  and  the  little 
citizens  of  the  home  are  quick  with  their  "  why, 
mother?"  when  an  opinion  is  offered.  Tell  them 
the  "  why."  By  such  questions  and  answers  does 
the  child  grow,  and  from  them  he  builds  up  his  inner 
vision  of  life. 

But  what  of  the  inconvenient  questions  children 
ask?  It  is  such  a  temptation  to  turn  these  off  with 
a  laugh!  Is  there  ever  a  time  when  evasion  and 
prevarication  are  right?  Or  does  the  simple  asking 
impose  upon  us,  as  mothers,  the  duty  of  a  truthful, 
and  only  a  truthful,  answer? 

207 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

I  can  not  help  feeling  that  it  does.  That  it  is 
the  duty  of  the  mother  to  feed  out  to  her  child  the 
knowledge  he  craves,  using  her  best  discretion  in 
the  choice  of  opportunity,  and  telling  him  what  he 
wishes  to  know  in  a  spirit  of  the  deepest  reverence. 

If  the  mother  is  willing  to  accept  this  duty  she 
will  sooner  or  later  be  confronted  with  the  question 
harder  than  any  other  for  her  to  answer,  that  ques- 
tion which  lurks  in  the  background  of  every  intelli- 
gent child's  mind :  "  Mother,  where  did  I  come  from ; 
did  you  find  me  in  the  garden  or  did  the  doctor  bring 
me ;  how  did  I  come  ?  " 

Difficult  as  this  question  is,  it  is  a  blessed  oppor- 
tunity. That  the  child  should  speak  to  us  about 
such  things,  that  he  should  ask  these  innocent  ques- 
tions is  a  sure  indication  that  the  time  is  ripe,  that 
we  may  safely  open  wide  our  arms  and  satisfy  the 
eager  little  heart  beating  against  our  own,  with  as 
much  as  it  can  absorb  of  the  great  and  solemn  history 
of  the  origin  of  life. 

The  trend  of  modern  pedagogy  seems  to  be  lead- 
ing us  toward  the  belief  that  it  is  best  for  the  child 
to  receive  this  kind  of  knowledge  from  his  mother. 

The  pendulum  which  a  few  years  ago  swung  so 
very  far  toward  the  side  of  disclosure  is  even  now 
making  its  way  back  toward  moderation.  Many 
educators  are  even  against  sex-hygiene  being  taught 

208 


HOW  MUCH  SHALL  WE  TELL  THE  CHILDREN 

in  schools,  and  radically  against  a  too  illuminating 
public  discussion  of  vice.  But  I  think  all  students 
of  child-life  agree  that  some  knowledge  of  sex- 
development  and  sex-dangers  must  be  given  to  chil- 
dren and  that,  whenever  possible,  it  is  the  mother, 
she  who  knows  and  loves  and  understands  her  child, 
who  is  the  one  best  fitted  to  give  it. 

Father  Tierney,  the  well-known  Catholic  educa- 
tor, has  expressed  a  feeling  that  public  sex-instruc- 
tion may  take  away  modesty  and  reserve,  two  of  the 
great  protections  of  childhood.  "  Modesty  and 
shame,"  he  says  in  a  recent  lecture,  "  are  natural 
protectors  of  chastity.  But  the  public  and  frequent 
discussion  of  sex  details  will  destroy  both.  Fa- 
miliarity will  breed  carelessness.  The  lesson  of  the 
class  will  become  the  topic  of  conversation.  Re- 
serve will  go.  Shame  will  disappear.  Sin  will  fol- 
low. Thus  your  good  intentions  will  be  frustrated. 

This,  it  seems  to  me,  is  very  true.  Sex-instruc- 
tion will  not  give  character,  and  to  stand  straight 
in  a  naughty  and  crooked  world  is  an  achievement 
of  character  and  of  the  will.  This  is  the  kind  of 
strength  we  want  for  our  children  and  unless  they 
have  it,  our  instruction,  however  carefully  given, 
will  do  them  little  good. 

How  ideal  it  would  be  if  children  did  not  have 
to  know,  if  questions  were  not  asked,  if  there  could 

14  209 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

be  a  hedge  so  high  that  the  sweet  girl  and  the  sturdy 
boy  would  be  shielded  from  the  bitter-sweet  of 
knowledge  until  full-grown  and  able  to  bear  the 
burden  and  responsibilities  of  life!  I  think  every 
one  admits  that  innocence,  could  it  be  but  main- 
tained, were  best  of  all. 

Yet  we  soon  realize  that  this  is  not  possible. 
As  we  read  the  latest  books,  see  modern  drama  and 
hear  up-to-date  lectures,  we  realize  that  there  is  no 
longer  any  veil  before  the  mysteries.  Strange  as  it 
may  seem  to  some  of  us  who  pride  ourselves  on 
being  "  old-fashioned,"  everything  is  open  for  all 
who  run  to  read.  We  can  no  more  keep  children 
from  knowing  things  than  we  can  keep  bees  out  of 
a  rose  garden.  Instinct  guides  the  bees  to  the 
flowers  they  need;  so  the  child  is  led.  He  will  get 
his  knowledge  somewhere;  instinct  will  tell  him 
how  and  where,  we  can  not  hold  him  back.  Is  it 
not  a  mistake  to  turn  away  his  early  questions,  thus 
forcing  him  to  gain  his  satisfaction  outside  the 
home? 

It  seems  to  be  the  mother's  acknowledged  task 
to  answer  and  the  mother's  duty,  however  hard,  to 
fill  the  empty,  searching  heart  with  knowledge. 
Though  she  need  not  volunteer  information,  or  jog 
the  sleeping  instincts  into  life,  once  awake,  once  ask- 
ing to  be  taught,  it  seems  that  she  must  face  the 

210 


HOW  MUCH  SHALL  WE  TELL  THE  CHILDREN 

difficulty  and  tell  as  little  as  possible,  as  truthfully, 
earnestly,  and  spiritually  as  she  can. 

In  Helen  Keller's  "  Story  of  My  Life  "  there  is 
a  very  interesting  letter.  When  Helen  was  about 
eight  years  old  Miss  Sullivan,  her  teacher,  writes  of 
her  thus :  "  I  do  wish  things  would  stop  being  born ! 
New  puppies,  new  calves,  and  new  babies  keep 
Helen's  interest  in  the  why  and  wherefore  of  things 
at  white  heat.  From  the  beginning  I  have  made  it 
a  practice  to  answer  all  Helen's  questions  to  the  best 
of  my  ability,  in  a  way  intelligible  to  her,  and  at  the 
same  time  truthfully.  '  Why  should  I  treat  these 
questions  differently  ? '  I  asked  myself.  I  took 
Helen  and  my  Botany,  '  How  Plants  Grow,'  up  a 
tree  where  we  often  go  to  read  or  study,  and  I  told 
her  in  simple  words  the  story  of  plant  life.  I  ex- 
plained how  the  earth  keeps  the  seed  warm  and 
moist  until  the  little  leaves  are  strong  enough  to  push 
themselves  out  into  the  light  and  air.  I  drew  an 
analogy  between  plant  and  animal  life,  and  told  her 
that  seeds  are  eggs  as  truly  as  hens'  eggs  or  birds' 
eggs ;  that  the  mother  hen  keeps  her  eggs  warm  and 
dry  until  the  little  chicks  come  out.  I  made  her 
understand  that  all  life  comes  from  an  egg.  I  told 
her  that  she  could  call  the  egg  the  cradle  of  life. 
Then  I  told  her  that  other  animals  like  the  dog  and 
the  cow,  and  human  beings,  do  not  lay  their  eggs, 

211 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

but  nourish  their  young  in  their  own  bodies — the 
function  of  sex  I  passed  over  as  lightly  as  possible. 
I  did,  however,  try  to  give  her  the  idea  that  love 
is  the  great  continuer  of  life.  The  subject  was  diffi- 
cult, and  my  knowledge  inadequate,  but  I  am  glad  I 
did  not  shirk  my  responsibility ;  for  stumbling,  hesitat- 
ing, and  incomplete  as  my  explanation  was,  it  touched 
deep  responsive  chords  in  the  soul  of  my  little  pupil, 
and  the  readiness  with  which  she  comprehended  the 
great  facts  of  physical  life  confirmed  me  in  the  opin- 
ion that  the  child  has  dormant  within  him  when  he 
comes  into  the  world  all  the  experiences  of  the  race." 

If  the  story  of  the  origin  of  life  told  thus  sympa- 
thetically to  a  poor  little  girl  shut  apart  in  a  unique 
and  terrible  darkness  struck  "  deep  responsive 
chords  "  in  her  nature,  what  can  we  not  hope  from 
the  normal  child,  blessed,  alert,  energized  through  a 
dozen  different  life-giving  channels,  what  can  we 
not  hope  as  a  result  of  giving  him  sympathetically 
and  seriously  the  undistorted  story  of  life,  life  after 
God's  holy  ordinance,  as  He  planned  that  it  should 
be  carried  on,  told  with  the  reverence  of  the  finite 
for  the  will  of  the  Infinite? 

Stanley  Hall  in  his  "  Aspect  of  Child  Life  and 
Education  "  has  made  a  number  of  interesting  stud- 
ies on  the  subject  of  curiosity  as  manifested  in  the 
child.  Over  half  the  questions  asked  by  children 


HOW  MUCH  SHALL  WE  TELL  THE  CHILDREN 

under  ten  he  finds  are  upon  topics  relating  to  nature 
and  the  working  of  natural  forces.  Particularly  do 
children  from  five  to  eight  ask  questions  concerning 
the  origin  of  life,  and  their  questions  are  frank, 
natural  and  simple.  That  almost  no  questions  upon 
this  subject  after  the  children  have  reached  the  age 
of  ten  are  reported,  seems  to  him  significant,  pointing 
to  the  fact  that  already  such  children  have  obtained 
the  desired  knowledge  in  some  way  or  another  and 
that  often  the  "  way  in  which  such  knowledge  has 
come  is  bitterly  regretted  because  the  beauty  and 
sacredness  which  should  belong  to  all  thoughts  con- 
nected with  the  coming  of  new  life  has  for  them 
been  sullied  and  this  is  felt  as  a  loss  and  injury  which 
no  later  teaching  can  ever  fully  repair." 

Just  how  much  we  should  tell  about  the  origin  of 
life  is  so  very  serious  a  question  and  a  so  much  dis- 
puted one  that  the  opinion  of  such  a  man  as  Stanley 
Hall  must  carry  great  weight,  and  I  think  will  help 
us  each  one  to  decide  where  really  lies  our  duty  in 
this  great  and  far-reaching  question : 

"  Why,  on  this  subject,  on  which  the  child  most 
needs  wise  and  adequate  teachings,  should  he  be  left 
to  acquire  information  in  stealthy  fashion  from  those 
totally  unprepared  to  gratify  his  legitimate  and  nat- 
ural curiosity  in  healthful  ways?  Too  often  the 
information  comes  from  newspaper  reports  of  crim- 

213 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

inal  cases,  which  are  read  and  discussed  by  children 
in  the  fourth  and  fifth  grades  of  school.  Could 
parents  realize  what  it  may  mean  to  a  child  to  have 
his  first  knowledge  of  the  origin  of  life  associated 
with  sin,  shame,  and  secrecy  they  would  be  guarded 
against  it  as  from  deadly  poison.  One  wise  and 
beautiful  mother  of  my  acquaintance,  whose  example 
is  worthy  of  universal  imitation,  adopted  the  prin- 
ciple of  answering  truthfully,  and  to  the  measure 
of  the  child's  understanding,  all  spontaneous  ques- 
tions. In  a  family  of  five  children,  each  child  has 
known  of  the  coming  of  the  younger  ones,  and  has 
been  allowed  to  see  the  dainty  garments  prepared 
for  the  tiny  baby  who  was  coming  to  be  a  part  of  the 
home.  To  the  children  of  that  household  no  false 
or  wrong  impressions  have  ever  come.  They  are 
safeguarded  from  evil.  To  them  the  coming  of  new 
life  is  surrounded  as  it  should  be  with  a  sacredness 
and  responsibility  born  of  a  pure  and  wisely-given 
knowledge.  In  pitiful  contrast  to  this  is  the 
stealthily-acquired,  half-comprehended,  and  wholly 
false-in-feeling  knowledge  of  the  majority  of  chil- 
dren in  our  public  schools.  Teachers  furnish  over- 
whelming evidence  that  there  are  few  children  over 
eight  years  old  in  the  public  schools  who  have  not 
some  sort  of  knowledge  of  the  origin  of  life,  and  it  is 
perhaps  commentary  on  the  kind  of  knowledge  to  add 

214 


HOW  MUCH  SHALL  WE  TELL  THE  CHILDREN 

that  the  children  regard  the  subject  as  something 
secret  and  shameful.  Unquestionably  the  home  is 
the  place  for  this  kind  of  instruction,  but  unfor- 
tunately there  are  too  many  fathers  and  mothers  who 
are  either  unwilling  or  unfitted  to  give  it." 

Every  mother  is  sooner  or  later  forced  to  make  a 
decision  in  regard  to  this  matter.  One  way  or  an- 
other the  time  will  surely  come  when  she  must  decide. 
In  order  that  she  may  not  make  a  blunder  she  will 
have  to  summon  all  her  wit  and  instinct.  No  outsider 
can  settle  the  really  vital  questions  of  one's  inner 
life  with  one's  children.  Every  mother  must  make 
a  separate  study  of  the  conditions  as  she  sees  them 
in  her  own  home  and  then  decide  what  course  is  best 
for  her  to  pursue.  No  two  families  present  the  same 
difficulties,  no  two  are  blest  in  quite  the  same  degree. 

So,  in  these  closing  thoughts,  let  me  only  com- 
mend one  thing :  give  this  solemn,  rather  awful  ques- 
tion your  very  deepest  consideration.  Make  a  plan, 
and  then  follow  it  as  carefully  as  you  can.  And 
remember  this,  the  way  in  which  a  child  gains  his 
first  knowledge  of  the  mysteries  of  his  origin  are 
likely  to  color  his  entire  life.  Is  it  not  better  to  plant 
with  your  own  hand,  trembling  and  faulty  though  it 
may  be,  rather  than  to  leave  the  fallow,  eager  ground 
open  to  whoever  may  pass  by  in  the  night  scattering 
the  evil  and  undying  seed  ? 

215 


XVI 
CHAPERONAGE 

"  I  pray  not  that  thou  shouldest  take  them  out  of  the 
world,  but  that  thou  shouldest  keep  them  from  evil." 

— ST.  JOHN  17,  isth  verse. 

"  IT  is  the  most  hateful  thing!  My  mother  will 
not  let  me  go  anywhere  without  some  older  person 
tagging  along.  I  can't  have  any  fun  at  all !  " 

"  It  is  just  the  same  with  me.  Whenever  I  ask 
to  do  anything  I  always  hear  the  same  tiresome 
question,  *  What  older  people  are  going,  too  ?  ' 

This  conversation,  overheard  one  day  in  a  street 
car,  set  me  to  thinking,  and  made  me  ask :  do  girls 
understand  why  their  mothers  wish  to  have  them 
chaperoned?  Can  they  think  that  it  is  because  of 
some  wilful  desire  to  interfere  and  spoil  their  fun, 
or  because  of  a  pointless  attention  to  appearances? 

If  they  do,  they  have  missed  one  of  the  great 
truths  of  life,  and  it  is  a  pity.  For  there  is  a  reason, 
and  a  great  reason,  beneath  our  efforts  to  chaperon 
young  girls,  and  it  is  a  reason  that  is  of  deep  interest 
to  all  students  of  human  conditions.  Can  it  not  also 
be  appreciated  by  every  intelligent  girl  ?  It  is  this : 

216 


CHAPERONAGE 

only  by  protection  of  the  girls  of  the  present  genera- 
tion can  the  good  of  the  generation  that  is  to  come 
be  secured.  It  is  this  idea  of  conserving  the  best  in 
each  individual  girl  that  the  race  as  a  whole  may  not 
deteriorate,  but  may  improve,  that  underlies  the 
much-abused  and  too  often  abandoned  practice  of 
chaperonage. 

Even  though  some  mothers  may  be  unconscious 
of  this,  it  is,  nevertheless,  the  real  reason  which 
underlies  their  efforts  to  keep  "  the  proprieties,"  and 
it  is  an  instinct  of  protection  planted  in  them  by 
nature  herself. 

In  probably  no  phase  of  accepted  custom  has  such 
a  great  change  taken  place  as  in  that  of  chaperonage. 
The  "  duenna,"  a  well-known  figure  in  every  home 
fifty  years  ago,  is  no  more.  In  days  not  so  long  gone 
by  every  young  girl  of  distinguished  birth  had  a  lady 
of  discreet  years  and  sedate  person  who  acted  as  her 
constant  companion,  even  sitting  in  the  room  when 
she  received  her  guests,  and,  of  course,  always  accom- 
panying her  should  she  venture  even  so  much  as  an 
inch  away  from  the  paternal  doorstep.  Imagine  such 
surveillance  to-day! 

Yet  underneath  this  world-old  custom — and  do 
not  let  us  forget  it  either — there  ran  a  very  astute 
line  of  reasoning.  It  seemed  to  be  better  understood 
then  than  now,  that  to  protect  the  pretty  girls  and 

217 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

make  them  inaccessible  greatly  augments  the  devo- 
tion of  their  lovers !  A  strange  law  which  governs 
human  passion  decrees  an  increase  of  that  ardor 
which  is  restrained  and  circumscribed!  The  very 
difficulty  set  in  the  path  of  love  often  determines  the 
lover's  desire  to  surmount  at  any  price ;  and  this  may 
have  been  the  very  reason  why  great  passions  are  less 
in  evidence  than  of  old,  and  men  more  prudent  and 
less  anxious  to  rush  into  matrimony. 

Be  this  as  it  may,  we  can  not  see  that  the  duenna 
ever  did  any  harm  or  ever  succeeded  in  diverting  the 
course  of  true  love! 

Is  it  wise  to  entirely  overthrow  the  venerable 
institution  of  chaperonage,  without  at  least  realizing 
that  it  has  been  for  ages  the  outcome  of  a  need  ex- 
pressed by  human  conditions — that,  though  the  con- 
ditions have  changed,  and  the  need  therefore  became 
modified,  it  is  still  present,  a  very  real  need,  though 
we  may  fail  to  see  it  in  its  new  and  less  pronounced 
form? 

This  need,  but  half  seen  and  half  understood,  is 
the  strong  cry  of  nature  that  the  race  on  which  her 
very  life  depends  may  be  guarded  at  its  fount. 

"  There  is  no  wealth  but  life,"  says  Ruskin,  and 
life  is  that  mysterious  chain,  link  after  link,  hand 
touching  hand,  voice  carrying  on  the  echo  of  dead 
voice,  which  takes  us  back  from  to-day  to  that  dark 

218 


CHAPERONAGE 

time  when  Saxon  giant  and  swarthy  Teuton  began 
to  write  their  history  on  the  mountain-sides  and  out- 
line for  us  the  future  of  the  human  race. 

Life,  the  great  wealth,  the  only  wealth,  which  it 
is  our  temptation  to  see  as  an  impersonal  whole,  is 
really  composed  of  innumerable  separate  beings,  and 
to  each  is  given  a  little  space  in  the  great  chain  which 
he  may  weaken  or  make  strong  by  what  he  is. 
Neither  must  he  forget  that  the  next  link  is  predis- 
posed to  weakness  or  to  strength  by  what  he  himself 
has  been. 

In  other  words,  to  put  it  less  fancifully,  only  by 
protection  of  the  present  generation  can  the  good  of 
the  generation  that  is  to  come  be  secured. 

Underlying  the  whole  custom  of  chaperonage  is 
the  demand  of  nature  that  the  best  in  each  individual 
girl  shall  be  conserved  in  order  that  the  human  race 
as  a  whole  may  not  deteriorate,  but  may  be  strength- 
ened in  each  new  link  till  "  perfection,  no  more  and 
no  less/'  confronts  us,  the  desire  for  which  animates 
every  force  of  nature  and  urges  her  on  to  expend  such 
aeons  of  inexhaustible  energy. 

The  instinct  of  protection  is  strong  in  every  good 
mother.  Her  girl  must  be  kept  from  evil,  all  that 
is  best  in  her  must  be  conserved.  Though  the  mother 
may  not  care  to  analyze  her  thought  further,  she  is 
nature's  instrument,  used  for  the  protection  of  the 

219 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

racial  stream,  and  it  is  because  in  her  daughter 
slumbers  the  potential  mother,  that  everything  noble 
and  good  must  be  made  a  part  of  her  character  now, 
that  she  may  be  qualified  in  later  years  to  hand  it  on. 

If  all  this  could  be  presented  to  school  girls  quite 
simply  and  without  affection  much  would  be  gained. 
Particularly  would  the  mother  find  herself  relieved 
from  the  uncomfortable  position  of  having  her  efforts 
to  chaperon  her  daughters  regarded  as  an  unkind 
desire  to  "  spoil  the  fun,"  or,  still  worse,  as  being 
founded  upon  suspicion  and  lack  of  faith. 

If  girls  could  be  brought  to  understand  all  that 
lies  within  them  of  good  or  evil  for  the  future  of 
humanity,  and  to  know  how  great  their  responsibility 
is,  I  think  they  would  find  themselves  a  little  more 
tolerant  of  the  wishes  and  suggestions  of  those  older 
than  themselves,  and  better  still,  they  would  stand  up 
without  complaints  and  do  their  share  willingly  in 
the  great  task  of  making  themselves  strong  and 
valiant  women,  fit  continuers  of  the  race. 

Looking  at  the  matter  of  chaperonage  a  little 
more  practically,  the  mother  who  has  several  daugh- 
ters in  different  stages  of  "  growing  up  "  will  have 
to  decide  in  her  own  mind  what  limitations  she  may 
justly  put  upon  their  pleasures. 

In  different  places  such  different  customs  reign, 
and  public  opinion  and  custom  must,  after  all,  set 

220 


CHAPERONAGE 

the  rules  by  which  we  mould  our  lives.  Yet  there  are 
always  some  people  who  stand  higher  in  a  com- 
munity than  others.  It  is  wise  for  the  undecided 
mother  to  model  her  conduct  after  theirs.  The  im- 
portant thing  is  that  she  shall  follow  the  particular 
mothers,  not  the  lax.  Indeed,  she  can  be  expected  to 
have  no  better  standard  than  theirs  unless  she  is  so 
unfortunate  as  to  have  to  bring  up  her  children  in  an 
environment  entirely  beneath  them.  In  this  case  she 
will  have  to  do  the  best  she  can  to  keep  alive  in  them 
the  ideals  and  manners  of  her  own  girlhood. 

Although  it  is  quite  impossible  to  outline  at  all 
definitely  a  course  of  conduct  for  a  mother  whose 
surroundings  and  traditions  one  does  not  know, 
there  are  a  few  rules  which  I  think  may  safely  be 
said  to  be  universal. 

For  instance,  a  school-girl  should  be  off  the 
streets  after  dark.  It  should  also  be  understood 
that  a  friend  of  her  own  age  accompanied  by  another 
man  or  boy  does  not  in  any  way  constitute  the  kind 
of  protection  the  world  rightly  expects  a  school- 
girl to  have  in  public.  And,  however  lax  a  com- 
munity may  be,  I  think  we  all  agree  that  it  is  not 
advisable  for  a  girl  to  be  seen  at  a  restaurant  alone 
at  night  with  a  man.  Though  there  may  not  be  the 
least  harm  in  any  of  these  things,  it  is  unwise  for  a 
young  girl  to  place  herself  in  a  position  which  in- 

221 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

vites  criticism.  There  are  many  other  little  rules  of 
this  kind  which  I  am  sure  every  careful  mother  must 
define  according  to  her  own  position. 

The  wise  mother  tries  in  every  way  to  impress 
upon  her  girls  that  the  place  in  which  to  see  their 
friends  is  under  their  father's  roof — not  on  the 
streets  or  at  cheap  places  of  amusement. 

Girls  should  have  many  friends,  the  more  the 
better — the  danger  lies  in  one  friend — not  in  many. 
If  the  mother  realizes  this  and  makes  home  an  attrac- 
tive place  in  which  her  girls  are  always  free  to  have 
their  friends,  there  will  be  fewer  demands  for  outside 
amusement. 

After  all,  what  the  girl  wants  is  to  see  her  friends 
— the  moving-picture  shows  or  the  soda-water  foun- 
tains are  mere  means  to  this  one  end.  If  the  end  can 
be  attained  by  the  surely  more  decent  and  less  dan- 
gerous means  of  receiving  the  friends  in  her  own 
home,  the  girl  will  gladly  avail  herself  of  it. 

Has  not  the  mother  a  great  deal  of  this  in  her 
own  hands,  for  does  it  not  lie  almost  entirely  with  her 
whether  or  not  the  home  is  made  attractive  and  the 
young  people  her  children  know  drawn  into  it  ? 

There  is  no  safeguard  to  a  girl  like  that  of 
having  her  mother's  sympathy,  and  she  can  not  have 
this  unless  the  mother  knows  her  friends.  It  is  wise 
to  open  the  home  freely  and  gladly  to  all  the  friends 

222 


CHAPERONAGE 

our  children  make,  hoping  by  a  kind  of  natural  selec- 
tion, which  works  far  more  securely  in  the  home 
than  out  of  it,  that  the  unadvisable  friends  will  fall 
by  the  wayside,  leaving  place  for  the  firmer  planting 
of  those  friendships  necessary  to  the  best  develop- 
ment of  each  child's  particular  character. 

Hardly  does  it  seem  possible  for  a  helpful  friend- 
ship, or  an  association  that  holds  the  possibility  of 
ending  in  a  true  and  noble  love,  to  have  its  beginning 
at  a  street  corner  or  under  the  arc  lights  of  a  moving- 
picture  show! 

Then  from  a  purely  commercial  point  of  view, 
does  a  man  value  a  girl  half  as  much  if  there  are 
not  some  few  difficulties  to  overcome  before  he  may 
secure  her  companionship?  Does  he  not  look  upon 
a  girl  as  a  greater  prize  if  she  is  guarded  by  her 
parents  and  her  older  brothers  as  a  precious  thing? 
Their  very  protection  marks  her  as  something  hard 
to  approach,  hard  to  reach,  harder  still  to  win,  and 
is  she  not  for  the  very  boundaries  set  by  their  love 
infinitely  more  to  be  desired  ? 

A  girl  who  is  known  as  "  easy,"  who  can  be 
secured  for  any  spree  at  a  moment's  notice,  who 
does  not  invite  her  friends  to  her  own  home  but  will 
go  with  them  anywhere  they  may  suggest,  soon 
loses  her  freshness,  and  with  it  goes  much  of  her 
charm. 

223 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

For,  little  as  she  may  wish  to  admit  it,  a  girl 
has  no  sterner  judge  than  the  very  man  whom  she 
allows  to  get  the  most  out  of  her.  It  may  seem 
unfair,  and  it  is  unfair,  yet  it  is  true,  and  a  man's 
instinct  never  tells  him  an  untruth  when  it  comes 
to  "  dividing  light  from  vapour  "  and  deciding  to  the 
satisfaction  of  his  inner  consciousness  whether  or 
no  the  girl  he  is  attracted  to  is  "  all  right." 

The  girl  who  is  careful  how  and  when  she  be- 
stows her  favors,  who  has  a  few  well-chosen  friends, 
and  who  is  protected  by  her  parents  from  any  loose 
or  undesirable  followers,  has  a  better  time,  truer  and 
firmer  friends,  and  when  she  is  loved,  is  loved  more 
deeply  and  lastingly  than  she  who,  hoping  to  attract 
many,  forgets  everything  else  in  her  one  effort  to 
make  herself  popular  at  any  price. 

Unfortunately  these  are  facts  learned  only  in  the 
stern  school  of  experience.  It  would  be  contrary 
to  all  the  laws  of  life  if  the  school-girl  were  endowed 
beforehand  with  a  prescience  of  those  things  made 
hers  only  by  experience.  Her  ignorance,  which  is 
not  a  fault,  but  a  natural  condition,  is  the  very  reason 
why  a  mother's  wisdom  is  so  necessary,  why  also,  in 
a  more  punctilious  age,  a  duenna  was  added  even 
to  the  mother's  wisdom.  Because  we  have  dis- 
pensed with  the  duenna  there  is  all  the  more  need 
for  a  greater  maternal  wisdom. 

224 


CHAPERONAGE 

Mothers  should  speak  fearlessly  of  these  things 
to  their  girls.  If  girls  are  shown  why  it  is  that  their 
mother  is  so  urgent  in  her  efforts  to  protect  them 
and  keep  them  in  their  own  homes,  they  are  very 
likely  to  more  willingly  submit  to  a  surveillance  that 
would  be  intolerable  if  it  was  supposed  by  them  to 
be  rooted  in  suspicion  or  envy  of  their  good  times. 

"  But  I  am  perfectly  able  to  take  care  of  myself." 
Who  has  not  heard  these  words  ?  Yet  the  very  spirit 
that  prompts  a  girl  to  use  them  proves  only  too  con- 
clusively to  heads  wiser  than  her  own,  that  she  is  not 
able  to  take  care  of  herself  at  all,  that  she  has  not 
yet  even  begun  to  understand  the  mysteries  surround- 
ing her  being ;  the  underlying  reason  why  the  best  in 
her  should  be  so  scrupulously  conserved. 

It  will  do  no  harm  for  every  girl  who  chafes 
against  chaperonage,  and  who  grumbles  "  but  I  am 
perfectly  able  to  take  care  of  myself  "  to  realize 
that  if  she  is  to  develop  into  a  pure,  noble,  efficient 
woman  she  must  submit  to  the  restrictions  of  a  sim- 
ple, protected  girlhood;  that  to  be  truly  loved  by 
the  Prince  Charming  of  her  dreams  she  must  not 
first  have  bestowed  herself  for  the  mere  asking  upon 
every  strange  youth  whose  desire  for  fun  prompted 
him  to  knock  at  her  soul's  inner  sanctuary ;  that  to  be 
effective  as  a  wife  and  mother  she  must  conserve 
and  allow  others  to  conserve,  all  the  chaste  and  inno- 

15  225 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

cent  qualities  of  her  girlhood;  that  though  she  need 
not  become  a  prig  or  a  prude,  she  must  live  for  the 
future,  not  for  the  pleasure  vested  only  in  the  transi- 
tory experiences  of  the  moment. 

A  silk  purse  can  not  be  made  out  of  a  sow's 
ear,  neither  by  any  alchemy  known  to  man  can  a 
noble,  unselfish  woman  spring  from  the  neglected 
ashes  of  a  careless  spendthrift  youth. 

There  is  a  custom  practised  in  America,  far  more 
than  in  other  countries,  which  permits  a  girl  to  select 
a  "  friend  "  early  in  her  teens,  and  keep  to  his  atten- 
tions only  for  an  indefinite  period.  Such  a  monopoly 
(one  can  not  call  it  friendship,  nor  yet  is  it  an  engage- 
ment) does  not  always,  or  even  often,  end  in  mar- 
riage; neither  does  it  have  marriage  standing  out 
before  it  as  its  acknowledged  and  legitimate  end. 

On  the  contrary,  it  has  the  dangerous  attribute 
of  giving  a  wrong  kind  of  license  to  two  persons 
who  are  not  bound  to  each  other  by  the  sacred  hope 
of  a  united  destiny.  The  privileges  of  a  lover  are 
given  to  a  man  without  the  sobering  responsibilities 
that  should  accompany  them.  The  chief  harm  to 
the  girl  is  that  she  is  bound,  before  she  is  old  enough 
to  know  what  her  nature  really  needs,  to  an  associa- 
tion which  is  more  likely  than  not  to  hold  for  her  only 
a  little  froth  and  eventually  the  Dead  Sea  fruit 
of  bitter  disappointment. 

226 


CHAPERONAGE 

That  these  associations  do  not  always  end  in 
marriage  means  little  to  the  man,  but  to  the  woman 
it  is  everything,  for  her  youth  is  spent  and  the 
very  quality  by  which  she  is  able  to  attract  is  gone. 

Confining  herself  to  a  single  "  friend  "  when  yet 
scarcely  out  of  the  school-room  is  often,  to  a  young 
and  inexperienced  life,  a  gateway  to  tragedy  and 
disaster.  I  know  of  one  suicide  and  three  cases  of 
hopeless  mental  derangement  which  can  be  directly 
traced  to  the  influence  of  associations  such  as  are 
here  described,  where  year  after  year  slipped  by  and 
the  man  did  not  mention  marriage,  until  marriage 
gradually  came  to  be  acknowledged  as  an  impossi- 
bility. Then  the  woman  realized. 

This  custom  is,  happily  enough,  one  which  every 
mother  can  influence,  because  she  can  simply  refuse 
to  allow  it  to  exist  where  her  own  daughter  is  con- 
cerned. To  protect  her  child  from  such  an  associa- 
tion is  a  responsibility  which  justly  belongs  to  the 
mother,  and  one  which  the  most  careless  could  hardly 
permit  herself  to  shift. 

Broadly  speaking,  there  should  be  no  such  thing 
as  an  "  understanding  "  between  young  people.  If 
they  love  one  another,  then  there  must  be  no  delay, 
no  mystery.  It  must  all  be  open  and  above-board ; 
the  parents  must  know,  the  affair  be  made  widely 
public,  the  date,  even  if  it  is  a  year  off,  be  set  for  the 

227 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

marriage.  This  is  to  protect  the  girl  from  the  type 
of  man  (and  unfortunately  he  exists  everywhere) 
who  would  like  to  get  something  for  nothing — who 
would  steal  her  gold  at  the  price  of  a  few  theatre 
tickets  and  bubble  promises. 

The  man  who  loves  a  woman  in  the  best  way, 
wishes  to  marry  her,  and  is  as  eager  as  she  is  to 
tell  the  whole  world  and  set  the  day  for  the  wedding. 

Yet  only  experience  teaches  these  things,  and  a 
school-girl  can  not  be  expected  to  know  them.  It  is 
for  the  mother  to  instruct  her,  and  it  is  to  the 
mother's  endless  blame  if  by  false  pride  or  lack  of 
self-assurance  she  holds  back  and  does  not  lay  all 
these  matters  freely  and  frankly  before  her  daugh- 
ters. Do  not  let  them  get  their  ideals  from  other 
girls;  give  them  generously  of  your  experience;  if 
necessary  compel  them  to  listen,  and  insist  that  they 
shall  not  sacrifice  their  priceless  youth  to  any  one 
man.  Twenty-five  is  time  enough  to  specialize.  Till 
then  the  more  the  merrier,  and  the  more  the  better, 
from  every  point  of  view. 

Until  she  is  twenty-five,  particularly  if  she  is  liv- 
ing under  her  father's  roof,  a  girl  must  submit  to 
guidance  in  these  matters,  and  if  from  sixteen  to 
twenty-five  she  can  be  controlled,  and  in  the  mean- 
time instructed,  she  is  not  likely  to  make  any  mistake 


CHAPERONAGE 

then  that  will  jeopardize  her  future.  It  is  during 
these  years  that  she  must  be  saved  from  herself. 

One  of  the  great  factors  in  a  girl's  development 
is  the  happy  natural  and  unconstrained  friendships 
she  will  make,  unmake,  and  remake,  with  many 
different  kinds  and  types  of  men. 

She  can  learn  only  harm  through  an  association 
with  one  man,  unless  she  loves  him  and  he  soon  be- 
comes her  husband.  Any  other  relationship  is  false, 
unnatural,  and  a  permanent  injury  to  the  develop- 
ment and  character. 


XVII 
WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

SPIRITUAL    PREPARATION 

"  Care  is  taken  to  fit  youth  of  both  sexes  for  society  and 
citizenship.  No  care  whatever  is  taken  to  fit  them  for  the 
position  of  parenthood.  While  it  is  seen  that  for  the  purpose 
of  gaining  a  livelihood  an  elaborate  preparation  is  needed,  it 
appears  to  be  thought  that  for  the  bringing  up  of  children  no 
preparation  whatever  is  needed.  While  many  years  are  spent 
by  a  boy  in  gaining  knowledge  of  which  the  chief  value  is  that 
it  constitutes  the  '  education  of  a  gentleman ; '  while  many 
years  are  spent  by  a  girl  in  those  decorative  acquirements  which 
fit  her  for  evening  parties ;  not  an  hour  is  spent  by  either  in 
preparation  for  that  gravest  of  all  responsibilities — the  manage- 
ment of  a  family — of  all  functions  which  the  adult  has  to  fulfil, 
this  is  the  most  difficult." 

— HERBERT  SPENCER. 

IN  marriage  only  is  true  human  development 
found.  Yet  how  seldom  can  we  say  of  a  marriage 
that  it  has  been  an  unqualified  success!  One  need 
only  take  up  a  newspaper,  or  even  investigate  in 
one's  immediate  neighborhood,  to  become  convinced 
that  true  happiness  in  marriage  is  the  hardest  thing 
in  all  the  world  to  get. 

Realizing  this,  is  it  not  worth  while  to  try  to 
understand  happiness,  and  to  study  it  in  relation 

230 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

to  marriage?  A  misunderstanding  of  what  happi- 
ness really  is  and  an  ignorance  of  how  to  go  about 
finding  it,  is,  I  believe,  at  the  bottom  of  many  fail- 
ures, the  chief  cause  of  marriage  desecrated  and  of 
love  defiled. 

The  secret  of  happiness  is  held  in  these  three 
simple  words:  self-expression  through  service.  The 
happy  people  are  those  who  give — not  those  who 
receive.  Even  all  the  riches  of  money  or  love 
tumbled  out  before  our  feet  can  not  secure  happiness. 

Happiness,  that  rare  state  which  we  glimpse  at 
intervals  and  long  to  make  our  own,  is  ours  only  inas- 
much as  we  find  self-expression  in  service  to  our 
generation,  and  to  those  to  whom  we  particularly 
belong  through  love. 

Happiness  is  essentially  the  result  of  what  we 
are,  not  what  we  have. 

Happiness,  particularly  the  happiness  of  love,  de- 
mands absolutely  nothing  from  externals,  it  is  neither 
diminished  nor  increased  by  things  that  are  bought 
and  sold. 

On  the  other  hand,  it  is  autocratic  to  a  fault  in 
its  one  demand.  It  will  only  feed  upon  the  eternal, 
the  essential,  the  immortal  in  selfhood.  It  is  satisfied 
with  nothing  less. 

There  is  in  every  human  heart  a  supreme  longing 
to  be  understood,  to  call  across  the  deep  in  some  such 

231 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

way  that  other  souls  will  hear  and  answer.  This 
call  from  the  human  heart  out  into  the  world,  either 
to  an  individual  or  to  a  life-work,  is  self-expression. 

As  soon  as  the  call  is  uttered  the  soul  begins  to 
strive  for  the  object  or  person  beloved — unselfish 
service,  giving  out  all  that  it  has,  service  of  the  hand 
and  of  the  will.  The  higher  and  more  spiritual  the 
call,  the  greater  is  that  soul's  capacity  for  service 
and  therefore  for  happiness. 

To  put  children  on  the  road  to  find  happiness, 
teach  them  to  use  and  spend  self,  in  order  that  they 
may  know  the  only  true  joy  life  has  to  offer,  the 
joy  of  service  and  of  self-expression  through  service. 

Break  forever  in  them  the  peace-destroying 
thought  that  happiness  can  be  bought.  Happiness 
does  not  depend  upon  outside  things.  The  belief 
that  it  does  so  depend  is  often  the  sole  reason  for 
an  unhappy  marriage. 

As  Carlyle  says,  "  It  is  not  to  taste  sweet  things 
but  to  do  noble  and  true  things,  and  vindicate  him- 
self under  God's  heaven  as  a  God-made  man,  that  the 
poorest  son  of  Adam  dimly  longs." 

Help  the  children  to  at  least  fulfil  in  a  measure 
this  noble  longing.  Help  them  by  developing  in 
them — not  the  desire  to  taste  sweet  things,  but  the 
ability  to  express  themselves  before  the  world  in 
some  form  of  service  that  is  high  and  true. 

232 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

Teach  them  to  give.  And  above  all,  teach  them 
that  marriage,  to  be  a  success,  must  be  entered,  as 
all  great  vocations  are  entered,  in  the  spirit  of  "  what 
can  I  give/'  not  "  what  can  I  get." 

Self-expression  through  service  is  the  best  motto 
a  young  married  couple  can  have.  It  is  the  only 
definition  of  true  happiness,  and  I  believe  that  a  man 
and  woman  who  approach  -marriage  in  this  spirit, 
with  the  ideal  of  service  one  to  the  other  surmounting 
every  other  thought,  can  not  fail  to  find  their  heaven 
here  on  earth  and  happiness  beyond  their  wildest 
dreams. 

Children  can  best  be  trained  for  marriage  by 
being  first  made  useful  men  and  women. 

Physical  and  moral  sloth,  emptiness  of  life,  wan- 
dering efforts,  these  make  bitter  discontent.  To 
avoid  them,  help  the  children  to  construct  with  what- 
ever tools  they  may  have  at  hand.  Provide  each  child 
with  something  definite  to  do  in  the  world.  Give 
him  a  "  use  "  in  the  old  sense  of  the  word,  and  he 
will  be  happy. 

Train  children  early  to  look  for  their  vocation,  to 
work  for  results,  to  look  forward  eagerly  to  the 
time  when  their  service  will  really  count  and  they 
may  be  allowed  to  spend  themselves  for  the  profit 
and  advance  of  their  age. 

Why  does  a  child  love  to  build  blocks  or  make 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

a  picture-puzzle?  Because  by  such  effort  all  his 
powers  are  used,  are  turned  from  waste  to  construc- 
tion. It  is  the  same  as  he  grows  older.  A  definite 
work  in  the  world  calls  forth  his  will,  his  energy,  his 
hidden  strength.  In  this  is  the  truest  kind  of  happi- 
ness. By  taking  the  bits  of  unrelated  material  with 
which  education  and  environment  have  surrounded 
him,  by  adding  cohesion,  shape,  and  definite  useful- 
ness thereto,  he  gradually  makes  the  picture  which 
he  was  sent  into  the  world  to  construct.  He  ex- 
presses himself  in  service.  He  is  happy. 

So,  in  youth,  the  children  are  taught  to  give  and 
are  trained  in  service.  All  this  is  a  preparation  for 
marriage.  There  are  yet  more  definite  ways. 

The  boy's  practical  training  for  marriage  con- 
sists of  acquiring,  while  he  is  still  at  home,  respect 
for  woman,  admiration  for  love -and  belief  in  it.  It 
is  not  fair  to  expect  his  wife  to  teach  him  these. 
How  is  he  to  learn  them?  There  is  but  one  way: 
by  seeing  them,  simple  virtues  that  they  are,  in  the 
daily  lives  of  his  parents.  They  can  become  in- 
grained in  him  in  no  other  way.  Thus  unconsciously 
day  by  day  he  is  trained  for  the  service  and  reward 
of  marriage. 

A  girl  must  go  through  very  much  the  same 
process.  She  sees  in  her  mother's  eyes  the  justifi- 
cation for  anything  that  may  seem  hard.  The  mother 

234 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

who  is  a  happy  wife  has  her  glory  written  in  her 
face.  The  daughters  are  quick  to  see  and  under- 
stand. They,  too,  soon  come  to  have  the  belief,  the 
faith,  the  mighty  hope  in  their  own  hearts.  They  are 
willing  to  work  with  her  and  learn  of  her  in  the 
preparation  time. 

Prepare  the  children  for  marriage  by  reverencing 
your  own.  Hold  it  sacred  above  their  heads  though 
the  world  tremble  and  your  arms  ache.  They  can  not 
believe  one  thing  and  see  another. 

Set  up  definite  ideals  within  their  hearts.  Do 
not  hesitate  to  speak  to  them  of  their  future  power. 
Make  responsibility  an  interest. 

And  do  not  fancy  they  will  not  care !  Children 
listen  breathlessly  to  the  story  of  life.  Nothing  ap- 
peals to  them  so  greatly  as  the  truths  of  the  natural 
and  the  ideals  of  the  spiritual  world,  particularly 
when  in  the  working  out  of  the  story  they  see  their 
own  futures  imaged! 

I  will  never  forget  the  look  in  my  oldest  child's 
face  when  I  told  her  one  day  that  if  she  did  not 
learn  to  control  her  temper  she  would  hand  this  fault 
on  to  her  own  little  boys  and  girls.  Put  this  thought 
before  children  as  a  reason  for  overcoming  their 
faults  and  see  the  result  for  yourself. 

In  this  way  the  sense  of  vocation  is  stimulated, 
and  the  children  are  taught  gradually  to  look  forward 

235 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

to  parenthood  as  the  highest  of  life's  privileges,  and 
of  their  school  days  as  a  preparation  for  its  proper 
and  just  fulfilling.  "  Where  your  heart  is  there  will 
your  treasure  be  also."  We  do  best  that  which  we 
wish  to  do.  Love  is  the  truest  director  of  human 
endeavor,  and  what  we  love  we  work  for.  There- 
fore, help  the  children  to  love,  to  give,  that  later  on, 
in  the  giving,  they  may  find  happiness. 

Teach  the  boys  and  girls  also  that  the  happiness 
of  marriage  depends  entirely  upon  what  husband 
and  wife  contribute  to  enrich  it  from  within. 
Margaret  Sangster  puts  it  thus : 

"  Love  wore  a  suit  of  hodden  gray 
And  toiled  within  the  fields  all  day. 

"  Love  wielded  pick  and  carried  pack 
And  bent  to  heavy  loads  the  back- 

"  Though  meagre  fed  and  sorely  lashed 
The  only  wage  Love  ever  asked, 

"  A  child's  wan  face  to  kiss  at  night 
A  woman's  face  by  candle  light/' 

Here,  quite  humbly,  and  by  the  mere  act  of  giving 
is  love  dignified  and  happiness  won.  It  is  the  same 
be  the  marriage  among  kings  or  peasants. 

"  My  dear,  love  must  be  fed — "  so  my  wise  old 
grandmother  used  to  say  with  a  shake  of  her  head. 
Teach  the  children  this,  for  sometimes  it  is  the  last 

236 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

thing  about  which  men  and  women  think,  till,  starved 
and  thirsting  love  lies  dying  at  their  feet. 

To  begin  married  life  very  much  in  love  is  not  at 
all  enough,  though  many  foolish  children  think  so. 
Love  must  be  added  to  day  by  day,  earnestly,  de- 
votedly, without  a  thought  of  self. 

This  food,  upon  which  love  mysteriously  thrives, 
and  without  which  it  dies,  is  service  of  mind  and 
heart  and  will.  It  is  the  very  essence  of  the  spirit, 
"what  shall  I  give?"  The  extreme  antithesis  of 
the  spirit,  "  what  shall  I  get?  " 

To  consistently  present  this  truth  to  the  children 
from  the  beginning  is  to  prepare  them  for  a  happy 
marriage. 

If  a  boy  is  led  to  believe  that  he  can  only  win  love 
in  proportion  to  the  size  of  his  income,  that  neglect 
and  even  unfaithfulness  when  he  is  a  husband  can 
be  paid  for  with  sufficient  gold,  that  a  wife's  tears 
are  easily  assuaged  by  a  new  jewel,  that "  happiness  " 
may  be  bought  for  both  by  a  round  of  artificial  pleas- 
ure, that  his  only  duty  to  his  wife  is  to  make  plenty 
of  money  for  her  to  spend — if  these  are  the  ideals 
that  have  been  shown  him  in  his  youth,  what  can  be 
expected  of  him  other  than  an  effort  to  live  up  to 
them? 

If  marriage  is  a  failure  for  many  women,  may 
it  not  be  because  as  girls  they  were  nurtured  in  idle- 

237 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

ness  and  ignorance,  sent  husband-hunting  in  their 
teens  by  foolish  mothers,  taught  to  trust  in  their 
fleeting  prettiness  and  a  thin  veneer  of  very  new 
manners,  to  effect  the  speedy  capture  of  a  man — any 
man,  provided  he  has  money  enough  to  keep  them, 
still  ignorant,  still  mannerless,  still  foolish  spend- 
thrifts of  life's  golden  sand? 

Instead  of  bringing  up  girls  in  idleness  with  only 
one  thought — marriage  to  any  one  at  any  cost, 
teach  them  that  the  world  demands  efficiency,  not 
uselessness,  and  that  to  earn  its  respect  they  must  do 
some  one  thing  well.  Also,  let  the  ideal  for  boys 
be  self -developing  work  rather  than  money-making 
work,  and  see  the  different  results  of  work  done  from 
love  rather  than  from  necessity. 

There  is  less  extravagance,  less  waste,  less  ignor- 
ance, better  management  and  a  more  profitable  grade 
of  effort  among  girls  who  have  spent  a  few  years 
before  marriage  in  service  to  the  world. 

Some  one  has  said :  "  Give  a  woman  a  good  trade 
and  you  put  in  her  hands  the  weapon  that  is  going 
to  reform  matrimony."  There  are,  alas,  thousands 
of  wives  who  have  to  endure  every  kind  of  indignity 
because  they  would  not  know  where  to  go  or  what 
to  do  if  the  support  of  their  husbands  was  withdrawn. 

The  woman  who  has  her  "  use  "  in  the  world, 
who  is  independent  and  resourceful  is  more  likely 

238 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

to  make  a  success  of  marriage  than  she  who  has 
drifted  and  led  an  aimless,  unproductive  existence. 

Entire  dependence  upon  the  husband  has  been 
at  the  bottom  of  innumerable  tragedies,  and  parents 
who  fit  their  daughters  to  be  efficient  women  in  some 
one  of  the  world's  great  callings  fit  them,  at  the 
same  time,  though  they  may  not  realize  it,  to  be 
happy  wives. 

The  woman  who  has  a  profession  or  who  is 
skilled  in  some  work  or  trade  goes  to  her  marriage 
with  the  comfort  in  her  heart  of  knowing  that  if  her 
husband  should  die,  or  if  she  should  have  to  support 
him,  instead  of  he  her,  which  in  this  queer  world  is 
often  the  case,  she  could  do  so,  and  still  retain  much 
of  the  happiness  of  life. 

The  wife  who  has  been  educated  to  a  proper 
independence  of  spirit  and  has  proved  that  she  is 
able  to  do  a  useful  profitable  work  in  the  world, 
by  her  very  years  of  earnest  service,  wins  her  hus- 
band's comradeship  and  true  respect. 

Mothers,  up  and  think  for  a  moment,  try  to 
realize  how  good  it  would  be  for  the  race  if  you 
gave  the  same  kind  of  thought  to  directing  the  lives 
of  your  girls  as  you  do  to  the  education  and  prepara- 
tion of  your  boys ! 

The  future  of  the  nation — even  the  race — de- 
pends upon  the  purity  and  strength  of  woman,  yet, 

239 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

strange  as  it  may  seem,  she  is  not  brought  up  to 
look  with  any  definiteness  upon  her  real  work  in  life, 
encouraged  to  prepare  for  it,  or  even  instructed 
in  it.  Yet  is  it  not  true  that  we  fail  as  parents  in  a 
very  deep  and  essential  way  unless  we  give  our 
daughters  a  sense  of  vocation,  unless  we  make  them 
feel  from  the  time  they  are  children,  that  to  be  the 
wife  of  a  good  man  and  the  mother  of  his  children  is 
to  have  done  that  thing  in  the  world  for  which  they 
were  created? 

I  imagine  the  hands  of  a  thousand  mothers  flying 
up  in  the  air.  "  How  can  we  do  this  ?  Girls  do  not 
wish  to  settle  down  to  home-life.  Girls  are  not  what 
they  used  to  be.  It  is  very  different  now — "  Yes  it 
is,  very  different  now ;  yet  let  us  be  quite  sure  we  are 
fair  before  we  blame  all  the  difference  on  the  girls. 

There  are  mothers  everywhere  in  America  who 
aspire  to  a  different  kind  of  life  for  their  daughters 
than  the  life  which  they  themselves  lived  as  girls 
and  young  married  women.  These  mothers  cook, 
wash,  iron,  and  slave  from  early  morning  until  late  at 
night  that  their  daughters  may  have  fresh,  pretty 
dresses  to  wear,  dainties  to  eat,  time  to  "  play  the 
piano/'  and  take  the  air.  Can  the  girls  whose  point 
of  view  has  thus  been  allowed  to  form  in  idleness 
and  self-indulgence  be  held  entirely  to  blame  for  their 
actions?  I  think  not. 

240 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

Why  do  mothers  thus  humble  themselves  that 
their  daughters  may  make  a  hypothetical  advance? 
Do  they,  after  all,  get  a  kind  of  vicarious  delight 
in  the  white  hands  and  pretty  dresses  and  fine  airs 
adopted  by  their  girls? 

Possible  self-advancement  does  hang  like  a 
golden  apple  of  temptation  before  the  eyes  of  every 
American  girl  who  is  clever  enough  or  pretty  enough 
to  take  the  upward  step,  and  it  is  not  at  all  unlikely 
that  the  mother  also  sees  this  golden  fruit  and  con- 
nives by  her  own  self-abasement  at  its  capture.  Can 
we  marvel  then  at  the  lack  of  a  more  serious  sense 
of  vocation  in  the  daughters? 

I  once  heard  the  father  of  two  very  rich  and 
beautiful  girls  say  that  he  had  had  each  one  of  them 
go  through  a  hard  business  course.  Why,  you  may 
ask,  as  they  were  both  heiresses?  For  this  very 
reason  did  their  wise  father  have  them  taught  finance 
and  the  proper  administration  of  wealth.  Neither  of 
them  should  lead  an  idle  life.  Neither  of  them  should 
become  a  dupe  to  the  first  man  who  came  along  to 
claim  her  wealth.  Their  minds  were  trained  in  the 
business  questions  and  methods  of  the  day;  so-called 
"  business  "  was  not  unintelligible  to  them ;  they  were 
fit  to  be  the  stewards  of  their  means. 

College,  a  business  education,  courses  in  domestic 
science,  special  training  for  social  service,  journal- 

16  241 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

ism,  teaching,  trained-nursing,  social  secretary  work, 
scientific  housekeeping,  the  professional  develop- 
ment of  a  special  talent,  these  are  all  avenues  of 
self-expression  and  service  for  women,  and  a  few 
years  spent  in  earnest  effort  to  "  make  good  "  in  any 
definite  direction  out  in  the  world  should  help  a  girl 
greatly  to  form  her  judgment,  to  become  tolerant 
and  able,  and  eventually  to  make  a  success  of  her 
marriage. 

Even  little  girls  can  be  trained  to  think  of  these 
things ;  they  will  make  all  the  better  women  for  hav- 
ing had  a  preparation  time.  "  What  am  I  going  to 
be  ? "  is  the  paramount  question  of  boyhood,  for 
boyhood  is  essentially  a  time  of  preparation  and 
every  good  boy  feels  it.  Preparation  for  what  ?  For 
his  life-work,  his  vocation.  Once  give  a  man  a  life- 
work,  and  make  him  feel  that  to  shirk  it  is  to  play 
the  coward  before  his  better  self,  and  you  have  given 
him  the  one  tool  with  which  he  can  overcome  the 
world. 

Girls  need  the  help  of  vocation  quite  as  much 
as  boys.  They  also  need  to  be  fortified  by  a  time 
of  preparation  and  the  sense  of  having  a  work  to 
do  in  the  world.  What  is  the  work  for  which  woman 
is  best  fitted,  and  what  would  we  point  out  to  our 
little  girls  as  their  vocation? 

God  has  made  woman  the  keeper  of  human  life. 
242 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

Into  her  hands  He  has  placed  the  most  awful  and 
most  mysterious  of  his  gifts.  In  Paradise  he  made  her 
first  the  wife  and  then  the  mother  of  man  and  she  has 
trod  the  thorny  path  and  gathered  the  immortal  roses 
of  her  peculiar  work  since  that  day.  Yet  for  this 
vocation,  which  has  to  do  with  the  sacred  trust  of 
giving  and  preserving  life,  there  is  no  preparation. 

Here  is  a  little  outline,  which  I  hope  may  help 
some  mothers,  of  a  way  in  which  at  each  stage  of  a 
girl's  life  she  may  be  influenced  to  regard  mother- 
hood and  home-making  as  her  true  vocation,  may,  in 
other  words,  be  educated  toward  her  profession: 

CHILDHOOD. — In  childhood  use  one  of  the  great- 
est instructors  we  have — play.  Encourage  the  little 
girls  to  play  games  that  develop  their  natural  love 
for  children  and  interest  in  home  problems.  Let 
their  toys  be  dolls,  a  doll  house,  a  small  broom,  and 
sweeper,  clothes-washing  outfit,  a  play  store,  cooking 
stove,  little  sewing  machine,  etc.  By  means  of  play 
they  will  find  their  interests  gradually  awakened  all 
along  the  line  of  progress  toward  their  ultimate 
destiny. 

EARLY  GIRLHOOD. — In  many  ways  it  is  possible 
for  girls  to  begin  early  in  life  to  share  their  mother's 
confidence  and  lighten  her  burden.  Sex-hygiene,  if 
carefully  and  moderately  taught,  is  a  great  help  here. 
Once  a  girl  understands  the  story  of  life  her  enthusi- 

243 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

asm  and  interest  and  allegiance  can  not  fail  to  be 
aroused. 

GIRLHOOD. — Girls  who  share  the  responsibilities 
of  their  home  are  usually  those  who  love  it  most. 
The  daughter  should  not  be  treated  as  a  favored 
boarder  but  as  a  contributor  to  the  home.  Now  is 
the  time  gently  and  earnestly  to  put  into  the  girl's 
hand  the  tools  of  her  future  profession.  The  mother 
who  says,  "  Oh,  it's  so  much  easier  to  do  it  myself," 
is  doing  her  daughter  a  fatal  wrong.  Housework, 
marketing,  the  care  of  money,  sewing,  patience  and 
unselfishness  with  children,  these  she  must  have  if 
she  is  to  be  in  her  turn  a  successful  home-maker. 

WOMANHOOD. — When  school  is  over,  even  if 
there  is  not  the  daily  bread  to  earn,  nothing  is  better 
for  a  girl  than  to  take  up  some  definite  work.  There 
are  many  free  courses  in  cooking,  nursing,  adminis- 
tration, scientific  housekeeping,  teaching  and  social 
service.  Eugenics,  psychology,  and  physiology  are 
interesting  and  developing  subjects  to  study. 

Suppose,  some  one  may  suggest,  that  girls  who 
have  been  thus  elaborately  prepared  for  the  pro- 
fession of  motherhood  should  after  all  not  marry! 
What  then?  Has  not  a  lot  of  valuable  time  and 
energy  been  wasted  ?  Most  assuredly  not.  A  course 
of  training  such  as  I  have  here  suggested  develops 
a  woman  along  all  the  lines  in  which  she  is  best  fitted 

MA 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

to  influence  her  generation.  Many  women  who  have 
spent  their  whole  lives  in  "  mothering  "  have  never 
actually  given  life. 

To  prepare  for  motherhood  and  home-making 
develops  and  perfects  the  highest  instincts  woman 
possesses  and  there  is  always  a  place  for  her  to  exer- 
cise her  profession  and  a  corner  of  the  world  crying 
out  for  her  ministrations.  Even  if  she  never  comes 
to  the  full  glory  of  her  life  yet  will  she  in  no  way 
be  debarred  from  carrying  on  her  vocation. 

A  woman  who  has  been  trained  as  I  suggest,  if 
she  marries,  will  bring  to  her  husband's  home  clear 
judgment,  self-reliance,  a  knowledge  of  her  work  as 
the  dispenser  of  his  means,  that  will  win  his  instant 
respect  and  deepen  and  solidify  his  love.  It  is  be- 
cause so  many  parents  encourage  their  girls  to  be 
luxurious,  ignorant,  improvident,  and  selfish  that 
marriage  is  many  times  a  failure. 

Girls  come  to  it  with  only  one  thought :  "  What 
can  I  get?  "  and  then  when  they  find  instead  that  their 
lot  is  almost  all  to  give,  they  begin  to  complain  and 
think  their  marriage  a  mistake.  To  the  woman  who 
is  willing  to  express  herself  in  service  for  those  she 
loves  will  come  the  sanctification  of  her  work.  The 
measure  of  her  gift  will  be  returned  to  her  from 
those  "  mysterious  spiritual  fastnesses  "  from  which 
she  draws  her  strength. 

245 


XVIII 
WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

PHYSICAL    PREPARATION 

"  We  know  that  the  dead  do  not  die.  We  know  now  that 
it  is  not  in  our  churches  that  they  are  to  be  found,  but  in  the 
houses,  the  habits  of  us  all.  That  there  is  not  a  gesture,  a 
thought,  a  sin,  a  tear,  an  atom  of  acquired  consciousness  that 
is  lost  in  the  depths  of  the  earth ;  and  that  at  the  most  insignifi- 
cant of  our  acts  our  ancestors  arise,  not  in  their  tombs  where 
they  move  not,  but  in  ourselves  where  they  always  live." 

— MAURICE  MAETERLINCK. 

No  matter  how  faithfully  we  have  taught  the 
children  what  true  happiness  is,  and  have  helped 
them  to  seek  it;  no  matter  how  earnestly  we  have 
tried  to  raise  them  up  with  bodies  and  souls  fit  to 
continue  the  race,  they  can  not  learn  everything  by 
precept,  nor  even  by  example.  There  are  some  things 
we  must  tell  them  in  plain  words  and  as  well  as  we  are 
able,  that  they  may  understand  the  natural  laws 
which  govern  marriage,  and  human  life,  and  help 
in  making  both  successful. 

For  in  knowledge,  I  believe,  lies  the  hope  and 
future  of  the  human  family.  We  must  break 
through  "  the  conspiracy  of  silence,"  which  has  for 

246 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

so  many  centuries  held  back  or  veiled  from  the  boys 
and  girls  who  are  to  be  the  parents  of  the  future,  a 
knowledge  of  their  responsibilities. 

We  can  not  begin  too  soon  or  speak  too  seriously 
to  children  upon  the  subject  of  their  probable  parent- 
hood. Far  back  in  his  childhood  the  little  boy  begins 
to  think  of  the  "  not  impossible  she  "  and  the  little 
girl  to  plan  what  she  will  do  "  when  she  is  married/' 

Anything  we  say  to  a  child  about  his  future  is 
thrilling  to  him.  Just  try  it  and  see  how  the  big 
eyes  open,  the  little  mouth  draws  in  its  breath  more 
swiftly  and  the  wistful  face  is  turned  up  with  earnest 
trust.  Tell  children  in  the  beginning — it  can  do  no 
harm — what  it  means  to  be  a  good  parent  and  how 
everything  thought  and  done  in  youth  will  influence 
the  little  children  who  are  to  be  theirs  some  wonder- 
ful far-off  day  when  they  are  men  and  women. 

Teach  them  Longfellow's  beautiful  lines: 

"No  action,  whether  foul  or  fair, 
Is  ever  done  but  it  leaves  somewhere 
A  record,  written  by  fingers  ghostly 
As  a  blessing  or  a  curse,  and  mostly 
In  the  greater  weakness  or  greater  strength 
Of  the  acts  which  follow  it." 

In  this  way  one  gets  hold  of  the  point  of  view, 
and,  slowly  but  surely,  moulds  within  each  child  a 

247 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

perfectly  conscious  attitude  toward  marriage  and 
parenthood. 

Children  thus  trained  know,  because  mother  and 
father  have  told  them,  that  they  must  do  the  best  they 
can,  at  home,  at  school,  and  later  on  out  in  the 
world.  Why?  Because — ah,  here  is  the  secret — 
they  have  a  message  to  give,  a  standard  to  keep,  the 
precious  lamp  of  life  to  hand  on. 

We  can  go  even  further:  we  can  teach  them  in 
simple  words  to  reverence  the  body,  for  it  is  the 
temple  of  life.  From  this  early  lesson  further 
knowledge  will  naturally  spring — they  will  learn  why 
health  and  purity  are  necessary,  necessary  as  the  only 
means  of  preserving  the  temple  fit  to  give  and  receive 
life,  further  reverenced  as  the  only  true  basis  for 
marriage. 

Thus  our  children  will  gradually  come  to  know 
from  patient  daily  teaching  what  conditions  are 
favorable  to  the  improvement  of  the  race,  and  also 
the  sterner  lesson  of  those  which  foredoom  children 
born  under  them  to  ruin. 

Heredity  is  an  awful  thing,  but  happily  for  us  it 
works  for  good  as  quickly  as  it  works  for  evil. 
There  is  no  surer  way  of  improving  the  quality  of 
human  life  and  character  than  by  means  of  selection 
through  marriage,  the  best  selecting  the  best,  with 

248 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

the  result  that  from  sound,  temperate  marriages,  are 
born  sound,  temperate,  well-equipped  children. 

Once  this  knowledge  is  given  to  children,  made 
bone  of  their  bone,  flesh  of  their  flesh,  they  will  find 
it  difficult  to  depart  from  it  and  increasingly  difficult 
to  act  against  it. 

Respect  for  the  body  and  knowledge  of  its  laws — 
these  are  ready  and  true  weapons  against  temptation. 
"  Raising  men  means  more  to  this  age  and  country 
than  raising  wheat  or  building  railroads  or  cities; 
a  nation  is  judged  by  the  people  it  turns  out." 

Social-hygiene,  which  is  the  practical  aspect  of 
the  thrilling  study  of  how  to  "  raise  men,"  is  now 
being  taught  in  138  schools  and  colleges  throughout 
the  land,  and  in  innumerable  homes.  In  no  way,  if 
it  is  taught  carefully  and  with  moderation,  can  we 
more  surely  strengthen  the  race.  Especially  where 
it  is  found  possible  for  the  mother  to  give  the  knowl- 
edge directly  to  her  child. 

Prosperity  is  enervating.  Absolutism  leads  to 
laziness.  When  a  people  is  ripe,  it  begins  to  decay. 

The  surest  way  to  prevent  this  decay  is  to 
strengthen  the  next  generation  by  giving  it  as  parents 
to-day's  best  men  and  women.  We  must  add  one 
more  restriction  to  those  of  class,  color,  money, 
religion,  and  even  politics  which  already  surround 
marriage — that  of  mental  and  physical  fitness  to 

249 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS, 

assume  its  responsibilities.  Public  Opinion  must 
ask  first,  instead  of  not  at  all,  concerning  a  proposed 
marriage,  "  and  what  of  the  children?  " 

Some  one  has  said  that  it  takes  three  hundred 
years  to  make  a  Gladstone.  Time  must  be  consid- 
ered in  the  making  of  manhood".  In  building  the 
great  human  race  each  step  is  of  vital  importance, 
each  step  tells  either  on  the  side  of  weakness  or  of 
strength.  Manhood  can  not  be  bought  or  sold.  It  is 
created  only  through  generations  of  struggle,  self- 
denial,  deliberate  choice  of  good,  deliberate  open-eyed 
refusal  of  evil. 

This  puts  a  grave  responsibility  upon  youth — 
some  may  think  too  grave — yet  careless  in  the  hands 
of  youth  the  destiny  of  the  human  race  hangs  like 
a  bauble.  That  it  shall  no  longer  so  do  is  our  desire, 
ours,  for  every  one  of  us  is  intimately  concerned. 

Teach  children  that  through  man  alone  the  des- 
tiny of  man  is  lost  or  won,  that  as  the  individual 
lives  to-day  so  will  his  children  live  after  him;  that 
all  his  energy,  all  his  endeavor  is  not  too  much  nor 
yet  enough  to  offer,  that  the  "  bauble  "  which  he  now 
holds  may  be  handed  on  to  his  children,  glowing  with 
exultant  force  and  promise. 

"  Education  is  a  drawing  out,  and  you  can  not 
draw  out  what  is  not  there — no  matter  how  good  our 
polishing,  we  must  have  silver  and  diamonds  to  work 

250 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

upon,  not  pewter  and  pebbles."  In  other  words, 
there  is  no  use  in  educating  for  marriage  persons  who 
are  unfit  to  assume  its  responsibilities. 

Marriage,  to  be  truly  successful,  must  only  take 
place  between  the  physically  and  mentally  fit.  From 
such  marriages  the  silver  and  diamonds  which  re- 
generate us  spring — children  who  are  noble,  spirit- 
ual, vigorous,  and  who  make  for  the  strength  of  the 
race. 

Eugenics,  about  which  we  hear  so  much  nowa- 
days, is  the  science  of  race-culture,  and  its  aim  is  to 
provide  the  best  material  for  education  to  work 
upon.  Its  aim,  in  other  words,  is  to  secure  the 
heredity  of  the  next  generation  by  means  of  selection 
through  marriage ;  the  best  choosing  the  best  now. 

Could  this  be  done,  could  the  whole  world  by  one 
great  effort  see  that  the  right  man  and  woman  marry 
and  the  wrong  do  not,  all  children  born  thereafter 
would  be  silver  and  diamonds,  and  the  pewter  and 
pebbles  which  hold  back  the  race  because  of  their 
structural  inability  to  take  the  polish  we  have  for 
them,  would  gradually  disappear. 

What  a  mighty  task,  what  a  stupendous  thought, 
disinterested,  fraught  with  spiritual  dignity  and  of 
the  utmost  importance  to  the  welfare  of  the  human 
race!  Is  there  any  one  who  can  fail  to  be  stirred 
by  it? 

251 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Think  of  the  result,  if  it  could  be  accomplished, 
of  even  two  generations  of  denial  of  parenthood  to 
the  unfit  and  systematic  education  of  the  children  of 
good  stock !  "  What  man  could  do  for  animals  and 
plants,  can  he  not  do  for  himself?  Give  imagination 
its  fleetest  and  strongest  wing,  it  can  never  conceive 
a  task  so  worth  the  doing." 

Only  two  or  three  generations  and  there  would 
be  such  a  reduction  of  insanity,  of  drunkenness,  of 
consumption,  of  chronic  disease,  of  feeble-minded- 
ness  and  epilepsy  that  these  familiar  burdens  of  the 
human  race  would  slip  off,  to  be  left  behind  forever 
in  the  march  onward  toward  the  perfect  man. 

Impossible  as  this  ideal  may  now  seem,  there 
does  not  appear  to  be  any  way  to  lessen  hereditary 
disease  other  than  through  marriage. 

Could  marriage  be  controlled  many  of  our  great- 
est social  problems  would  suddenly  find  themselves 
solved.  They  simply  would  no  longer  exist. 

It  sometimes  seems  strange  that  the  law,  created 
to  prevent  men  and  women  from  doing  each  other 
evil,  should  stand  by  in  silence  and  allow  the  whole- 
sale slaughter  of  qualities  which  the  patient  lives  of 
generations  of  good  men  and  women  have  busied 
themselves  in  building  up.  This  slaughter  takes  place 
when  the  fit  mates  with  the  unfit ;  for  however  good 

252 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

one  may  be,  where  good  mates  with  bad  there  can 
be  but  one  result — the  taint  is  handed  on. 

So  it  is  that  a  man  of  good  stock  destined  by 
heredity  to  stand  only  for  the  best  may  ignorantly 
unite  with  a  feeble-minded  woman  and  start  in  the 
world  a  never-ending  stream  of  criminals,  imbeciles, 
and  moral  degenerates.  And  this  same  man,  like 
the  much-written-of  "Jukes,"  marrying  again,  this 
time  a  strong  and  virile  woman,  is  quite  likely  to 
have  as  his  descendants  from  this  wife  men  and 
women  who  count  only  for  good  in  their  generation. 

People  sometimes  have  a  little  way  of  laughing 
at  heredity  and  of  speaking  with  great  confidence 
of  environment.  It  may  not  be  amiss  for  us  to  study 
the  family  histories  of  such  men  as  Max  Jukes  and 
Jonathan  Edwards,  for  there  in  plain  figures  do  we 
see  before  us  the  sum  total  of  wretchedness  arising 
from  a  marriage  of  the  unfit  which  predisposed  its 
descendants  to  misery  and  vice,  as  we  see  also  the 
value  to  the  generations  to  come  of  the  mating  of 
silver  and  diamonds ;  for,  from  silver  and  diamonds 
come  sound  minds  and  sound  bodies,  and  these  are 
the  guiding  stars  of  useful  and  beneficial  lives. 

The  following  statement  has  been  printed  be- 
fore, but  it  is  worth  reproducing.  Heredity  as  a 
theory  has  been  overworked  of  late  years,  but  that  it 

253 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 


is  not  to  be  disregarded  is  shown  in  the  startling 
comparison  between  the  families  of  Max  Jukes  and 
Jonathan  Edwards : 


MAX  JUKES 
(Born  1720) 

1200  descendants  identified. 
300  in  the  poorhouse — 2300 

years  in  all. 
300  died  in  childhood. 
440  viciously  diseased. 
400  physical  wrecks. 
50  notorious  prostitutes. 
7  murderers. 

60  habitual  thieves  —  aver- 
age 12  years  in  jail. 
130  convicted  of  crime. 
"  None  of  them  ever  con- 
tributed to  social  wel- 
fare." Their  actual  and 
potential  cost  to  society 
was  $250,000. 


JONATHAN  EDWARDS 

(Born  1703) 

1394  descendants  identified. 
295  college  graduates. 
12  college  presidents. 
65  college  professors. 
100  clergymen  and  musicians. 
75  army  and  navy  officers. 
60  prominent  authors. 
60  physicians, 
loo  lawyers. 
30  judges. 

80  held  public  office, 
i  Vice-President. 
3  U.  S.  Senators. 
"  It  is  not  known  that  any 
of  them  were  ever  con- 
victed of  crime." 


It  is  appalling  to  look  behind  the  cold  figures 
of  statistics  such  as  these  to  the  sum  of  human  suffer- 
ing they  represent.  Nor  must  we  forget  that  each 
doomed  child,  each  suffering  parent,  and  each  ruined 
home  drags  down  the  race  and  pollutes  the  source  of 
the  nation's  supply  at  its  very  fount  so  that  the 
infected  streams  flow  on  in  ever-widening  circles. 

This  brings  us  to  the  question,  what  class  of  peo- 

254 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

pie  may  without  prejudice  be  called  unfit  for  mar- 
riage? Science  answers  unfalteringly,  the  imbecile, 
the  insane,  the  alcoholic,  the  drug-taker,  the  chroni- 
cally diseased. 

If  these  marry,  their  children,  while  perhaps  not 
showing  their  heredity  very  clearly  at  the  start,  will 
undoubtedly  hand  down  moral  weakness  to  their 
progeny,  and  thus  gradually,  like  the  widening  rip- 
ples on  a  lake,  the  strain  will  become  polluted  and 
the  family  dethroned.  It  is  the  descendants  of  such 
people  classed  above  as  unfit  for  marriage  who  swell 
the  ranks  of  paupers,  thieves,  and  prostitutes  in 
every  land. 

How  shall  these  marriages  be  prevented  ? 

"  Knowledge,"  as  some  one  has  said,  "  is  the 
great  thing.  No  man  will  gamble  against  a  sure 
thing."  In  the  instruction  of  youth  lies  the  great 
hope  of  the  future.  Give  youth  the  Greek  ideal, 
the  love  and  worship  of  the  beautiful,  and  out  of  it 
will  grow  a  natural  dislike  for  degeneracy. 

In  Philadelphia*  there  are  to-day  250,000  chil- 
dren in  the  public  schools.  Of  these,  2  per  cent., 
or  5000,  are  feeble-minded.  Of  these  again  213  are 
feeble-minded  by  heredity.  This  means  that  when 
they  grow  up  they  will  transmit  their  feebleness  to 
their  children.  All  these  marriages  would  be  unfit. 

*  Report  of  the  Philadelphia  Baby-Saving  Show,  1913. 
255 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Feeble-mindedness  is  now  known  to  be  incur- 
able. This  lays  the  duty  of  segregation  very  urgently 
upon  us.  As  parents,  as  philanthropists,  as  govern- 
ors in  any  department  of  the  nation's  weal,  it  is  one 
of  the  greatest  needs  of  our  age  to  see  that  feeble- 
minded persons,  particularly  girls,  be  permanently 
segregated.  This  is  the  quickest,  surest  way  of  re- 
deeming our  race  and  helping  it  toward  its  highest 
fulfilment. 

To  bring  the  matter  right  down  to  to-day,  and  to 
the  individual,  what  shall  we  do? 

We  who  are  already  parents  have  taken  the  fatal 
steps — our  children's  heredity  is  assured.  There  is 
still  left  us  environment  and  education.  With  these 
powerful  allies  we  can  do  much.  With  them  we  are 
almost  certain  to  be  able  at  least  to  direct  our  chil- 
dren's point  of  view.  We  must  teach  them  that  the 
greatest  privilege  that  will  ever  come  into  their  lives 
is  the  privilege  of  parenthood,  and  we  must  patiently 
train  them  for  that,  the  greatest  of  all  vocations. 
When  the  time  comes  for  them  to  marry  we  shall 
have  so  emphasized  in  them  the  respect  for  moral 
and  physical  health  that  they  will  turn  quite  as 
simply  and  naturally  from  the  thought  of  marrying 
into  a  degenerate  stock  as  they  would  from  opening 
their  arms  to  a  Sandwich  Islander  or  a  Hottentot ! 

Those  who  are  not  married  have  yet  in  their 

256' 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

hands,  unplayed,  life's  greatest  card.  "  Man's 
nature,"  says  Havelock  Ellis,  "  like  all  else  that  is 
most  essential  in  him,  is  rooted  in  a  soil  that  was 
formed  very  long  before  his  birth.  In  this,  as  in 
every  other  respect,  he  draws  the  elements  of  his 
life  from  his  ancestors,  however  new  the  recombina- 
tion may  be  and  however  greatly  it  may  be  modified 
by  subsequent  conditions.  A  man's  destiny  stands 
not  in  the  future  but  in  the  past.  It  is  the  most 
serious  and  sacred  duty  of  the  future  father  to  choose 
one-half  of  the  ancestral  and  hereditary  character  of 
his  future  child:  it  is  the  most  serious  and  sacred 
duty  of  the  future  mother  to  make  a  similar  choice. 
They  have  together  determined  the  stars  that  will 
rule  his  fate." 

Realizing  this,  it  seems  eminently  sane  and  ad- 
visable to  consider  many  things  other  than  dower 
and  "  prospects."  Mental  and  physical  health  are 
of  vastly  greater  importance.  Two  young  persons 
of  sound  heredity  and  clean  lives  soon  settle  very 
satisfactorily  the  doubts  of  older  heads  as  to  "  how 
they  shall  get  along."  It  is  only  when  ancestral 
evil  and  inherited  weakness  threaten  that  the  real 
storm  begins  to  roll  up  behind  them. 

To  make  this  storm  an  impossibility  is  the  aim 
of  Eugenics.  As  fast  as  Public  Opinion  can  be  edu- 
cated laws  are  being  demanded  requiring  that  a 

17  257 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

health  certificate  shall  be  appended  to  every  marriage 
license.  In  Connecticut,  Washington,  Colorado, 
Michigan,  and  Utah  such  laws  have  already  been 
obtained.  The  Health  Department  of  the  General 
Federation  of  Women's  Clubs  reports  that  "  Social- 
hygiene  work  is  under  way  in  twenty-five  states." 

The  president  of  the  New  York  Legislative 
League  has  twice  presented  a  bill  relative  to  the 
health  certificate  and,  though  at  the  last  session  of 
the  Legislature  it  was  for  the  second  time  refused, 
the  time  will  surely  come,  and  soon,  when  health 
certificate  and  marriage  license  will  be  obtained  to- 
gether as  a  matter  of  ordinary  routine.  Until  then 
there  is  always  the  physician.  He  will  be  found  quite 
able  to  tell  any  man  or  woman  whether  or  not  she 
or  he  is  fitted  to  marry. 

Medical  history  teems  with  instances  of  tragedy 
and  separation  caused  by  neglect  of  just  so  simple  a 
precaution  as  this,  and  of  disastrous  marriages  con- 
summated where  either  husband,  wife,  or  perhaps 
both,  were  entirely  unqualified  to  hand  on  the  pre- 
cious gift  of  life  to  another  generation. 

Health  is  a  more  valuable  heirloom  than  wealth, 
and  where  health  marries  health,  there  will  be  chil- 
dren sturdy  of  body  and  vigorous  of  mind;  children 
as  God  meant  children  to  be,  not  children  as  man,  by 
his  failure  and  selfishness,  has,  alas !  too  often  created 
them. 


WHEN  THE  CHILDREN  MARRY 

Will  it  not  make  for  happier  marriages  if  chil- 
dren are  told  these  things  very  seriously  by  their 
parents?  It  is  through  the  minds  of  the  children  of 
to-day  that  we  reach  the  public  opinion  of  to-morrow, 
and  if  we  teach  them  all  that  health  or  lack  of  it 
means,  all  that  beauty  of  mind  and  spirit  means, 
will  they  not  from  very  fear  shun  vice,  and  from  very 
love  follow  and  covet  that  which  is  good  ? 

Ignorance  is  at  the  bottom  of  most  sin,  and  en- 
lightenment can  not  do  other  than  help  men  and 
women  to  choose  more  wisely  in  the  greatest  crisis 
that  their  life  can  hold. 


XIX 
A  FOURTH  "  R  "  IN  EDUCATION 

"  Childhood  is  a  tender  thing  and  easily  wrought  into  any 
shape.  Yea,  and  the  very  souls  of  children  readily  receive  the 
impressions  of  those  things  that  are  dropped  into  them  while 
they  are  yet  but  soft;  but  when  they  grow  older,  they  will, 
as  all  hard  things  are,  be  more  difficult  to  be  wrought  upon. 
And  as  soft  wax  is  apt  to  take  the  stamp  of  the  seal,  so  are 
the  minds  of  children  to  receive  the  instructions  imprinted 
on  them  at  that  age."  -PLUTARCH. 

"  Without  faith  the  new  generation  is  like  a  city  built 
on  sand.  Without  the  discipline  and  the  inspiration  of  God 
the  young  boys  and  girls  who  will  all  too  soon  be  standing  in 
our  shoes  will  go  through  life  with  hungry  souls,  with  nothing 
to  live  up  to,  and  very  little  to  live  for." 

— COSMO  HAMILTON. 

THE  Bishop  of  London  is  fond  of  telling  this 
story  of  a  woman  who  went  into  the  choicest  room 
of  the  Uffizi  Gallery  where  are  collected  probably 
the  greatest  masterpieces  of  the  world.  "  I  don't 
think  much  of  your  pictures,"  she  said  to  the  attend- 
ant at  the  door.  "  Madame,"  he  replied,  "  it  is  not 
the  pictures  in  this  room  which  are  on  trial,  it  is  the 
spectator." 

So  it  is  with  Christianity.  It  is  not  necessary  to 
make  any  defence  of  Christianity  or  apology  for  it. 

260 


THE  FOURTH  "R"  IN  EDUCATION 

Christianity  is  not  on  trial  before  us.  We  are  on 
trial  before  it.  And,  what  is  more,  we  can  not  drift 
in  regard  to  it.  As  we  approach  middle-age,  we  find 
we  must  take  a  definite  attitude;  we  must  be  either 
for  or  against  the  Christian  ideal.  Life  forces  de- 
cision upon  us,  and  we  choose  in  spite  of  ourselves. 

Youth,  to  the  earnest  soul,  is  a  time  of  peculiar 
enthusiasm,  of  peculiar  ability  to  feel.  But  to  every 
young  mother  comes  a  day  when  the  bird  in  her  heart 
sings  just  a  little  less  frequently  of  the  joy  of  living, 
when  the  smile  on  her  lips  becomes  a  little  forced, 
and  the  time  of  dreams  less  frequent. 

This  is  because  around  the  pure,  still  joy  of  youth 
the  responsibility  of  life,  like  the  surge  of  a  mighty 
sea  about  an  island,  is  heard  to  clamor.  Soon  the 
soul  knows  that  its  winged  sandals  are  already  wet, 
that  youth  has  slipped  from  its  shoulders,  that  the 
time  has  come  to  plunge  into  the  waves,  battle  with 
them,  or  die.  This  battle  is  not  for  money,  for 
health,  or  love,  or  happiness,  but  for  the  spiritual  life. 

Every  one  in  middle-age  is  fighting  this  fight. 
Trying  to  keep  fortified  the  spiritual  territory  of 
youth,  and  if  God  wills  to  add  to  it  with  the  passing 
of  the  years.  It  is  in  the  heat  and  uncertainty  of 
this  battle  that  some  of  us  get  to  look  back  upon 
youth  with  its  easy  beliefs  and  sense  of  safety  as 
upon  a  paradise. 

261 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Yet,  stop  and  think!  Middle-age  holds  for  us 
that  priceless  moment  when  the  grapes  are  purple,  the 
wheat  golden,  the  rose  full  blown.  It  should  be  a 
time  of  the  ripest  fullness  of  joy,  the  time  of  re- 
wards, of  effort  consecrated  by  success,  of  the  un- 
speakable rapture  of  spiritual  bloom. 

In  youth  we  are  listeners.  But  with  life's  zenith 
comes  to  the  soul  its  hour  of  speech.  In  middle-age 
we  must  show  our  hand.  In  middle-age  we  stand 
revealed  without  the  softening  background  of  youth. 
We  have  made  niches  in  the  preparation  time.  Now, 
where  are  the  statues?  This  is  the  question  the 
world  asks  and  has  a  right  to  ask.  And  this  is  the 
question  we  must  make  good  before  our  children. 

Middle-age  is  a  very  serious  time,  but  it  is  a 
paradise  too — a  paradise  indeed  where  memory  and 
hope  meet,  and  where  we  speak  out  fearlessly,  as 
one  having  authority,  of  the  things  which  we  have 
spiritually  made  our  own. 

So  we  must  give  out  to  the  children.  It  will  not 
do  to  send  them  to  church  alone,  to  let  them  drift, 
to  do  nothing,  in  fact,  that  is  vital  and  decisive 
to  help  them  win  for  themselves  the  unutterable 
blessings  of  the  spiritual  life. 

For  we  do  not  seem  to  realize  that  spiritual  de- 
velopment both  in  ourselves  and  in  our  children  obeys 
the  same  familiar  laws  which  govern  every  other 

262 


THE  FOURTH  "R"  IN  EDUCATION 

human  output,  that  to  the  three  "  R's  "  of  education 
we  must  add  a  fourth — Religion. 

Parents — even  careful  parents — often  say,  "  We 
do  not  intend  to  influence  our  children  one  way  or 
the  other.  We  do  not  intend  to  force  them  to  go  to 
church  or  to  teach  them  anything  that  might  preju- 
dice them — let  them  be  perfectly  free.  We  do  not 
believe  in  compulsory  religion." 

But  would  they  say  the  same  in  regard  to  educa- 
tion? Would  they  allow  their  children  to  sit  aim- 
lessly waiting  for  education,  ready-made  and 
complete,  like  a  ripe  plum,  to  fall  into  their  laps? 
Would  they  say,  "  We  do  not  intend  to  influence 
our  children  to  learn  to  read  or  write,  we  do  not 
intend  to  send  them  to  school  or  teach  them  anything 
about  history  or  geography,  let  them  be  perfectly 
free.  We  do  not  believe  in  compulsory  education." 

Yet  I  am  certain  that  such  parents  do  not  really 
want  their  boys  and  girls  to  grow  up  unbelievers. 
They  probably  earnestly  wish  them  to  have  religious 
and  spiritual  development,  but  they  are  afraid,  afraid 
of  dogma,  of  superstition,  of  ceremony;  their  very 
intelligence  causes  them  to  hesitate,  and  blinds  them 
to  the  spirit  of  Christianity  because  its  letter,  un- 
life-giving  and  obtrusive,  blocks  the  way. 

Nevertheless,  if  we  would  have  the  spirit  we 
must  accept  the  letter.  If  we  want  religion  for  the 

263 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

children  we  must  have  them  grounded  in  it,  taught 
it,  trained  in  it,  just  as  they  are  taught  and  trained 
and  grounded  in  other  ways.  A  little  dogma  is 
healthy  and  does  no  harm,  it  no  more  destroys  higher 
spirituality  than  learning  to  parse  destroys  apprecia- 
tion of  English  prose. 

But  we  must  give  the  same  grade  of  spiritual 
teaching  that  we  do  intellectual.  It  is  when  dogma  is 
in  the  hands  of  ignorance  that  it  becomes  dangerous. 
It  is  just  here  that  many  parents  make  the  great 
mistake.  Any  kind  of  teacher  is  good  enough  for 
the  Bible,  but  for  the  things  of  the  world  and  of  the 
intellect — oh,  how  differently  they  choose! 

"  How  ashamed  we  are  if  we  do  not  know  the 
plot  of  the  operas  we  go  to  see,  or  the  stories  of  the 
Shakespeare  or  Ibsen  plays;  yet  we  go  to  church 
Sunday  after  Sunday  without  taking  the  least  trouble 
to  really  understand  what  it  is  all  about !  We  never 
even  think  of  the  plot! " 

A  clever  woman  spoke  these  words  the  other  day, 
a  woman  who  stands  for  everything  that  is  big,  pro- 
gressive, and  really  worth  while  in  life.  I  think  she 
voiced  one  of  the  greatest  needs  of  our  day,  the  need 
of  a  better  grade  of  spiritual  education  both  for 
parents  and  children. 

How  are  we  who  hold  the  responsible  position  of 

264 


THE  FOURTH  "R"  IN  EDUCATION 

parenthood  to  secure  this  education  for  our  children  ? 
Very  simply  indeed;  by  seeing  that  they  are  in- 
structed spiritually  with  the  same  care  and  thorough- 
ness we  demand  in  other  departments  of  their  life. 

And  is  it  really  being  fair  to  the  child  to  send 
him  out  into  the  world  ignorant  and  untrained  in 
spiritual  matters?  Is  it  not  less  fair  than  to  leave 
him  untrained  in  any  other  line  of  effort?  Because 
such  training  the  world  is  unlikely  indeed  to  supply, 
and  after  childhood  is  left  behind  it  is  difficult  to 
bend  the  will  and  heart  toward  religion;  as  difficult 
as  to  teach  the  hand  of  middle-age  to  use  a  pen. 

How  we  drill  the  children  that  they  may  stand 
well  in  school,  obey  promptly,  have  good  manners, 
show  gentleness  and  courtesy — we  do  this  often  at 
the  expense  of  their  spiritual  life,  for  it  takes  all 
our  time,  and  we  forget  that  drilling  in  religion  is 
a  discipline  equally  necessary  to  the  development  of 
character. 

Though  children  must  be  clothed  and  fed  and 
educated,  the  thing  that  really  matters  is  not  what 
they  have  on  or  what  they  know,  but  what  they  are. 

Sometimes  I  think  that  we  are  grown  Pagan  once 
again,  inasmuch  as  the  goddess  Hygeia  receives  so 
great  an  offering  of  time  that  the  altar  of  the  Living 
God  is  cold !  However  this  may  be,  we  do  worship 

265 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

health,  and  a  large  proportion  of  our  thoughts  go 
toward  contriving  new  ways  of  adding  physical 
rather  than  spiritual  fitness  to  our  children's  equip- 
ment for  fighting  the  good  fight. 

Though  this  care  of  the  body  is  so  good,  so  very 
good,  there  is  really  only  one  possible  use  for  a 
healthy  body — that  it  shall  the  better  convey  and 
expedite  the  spirit !  The  body  is  the  soul's  house,  and 
only  as  such  should  pains  be  taken  to  keep  it  beautiful. 
To  glorify  it  for  its  own  sake  is  Pagan,  and  a  disre- 
spect to  higher  things.  We  are  striving  to  make  per- 
fect the  body  only  that  the  soul  may  have  a  less  inter- 
rupted field  of  action.  The  body  is  the  habitation 
of  the  soul  and  it  is  only  as  such  that  we  should 
worship  and  serve  it. 

To  what  end  is  our  striving  to  make  a  race  of 
healthy  children,  if  it  is  not  that  they  may  mentally 
and  spiritually — not  by  virtue  of  brawn  and  muscle — 
outstrip  the  generations  that  have  gone  before  ?  Man 
has  a  soul  as  well  as  a  body  to  save,  and  the  mothers 
of  the  race  must  not  forget  it. 

Though  "  schooling  "  can  be  bought,  the  child's 
true  education  comes  from  a  daily  living  under  cul- 
tural influences.  And,  following  the  same  law,  true 
education  in  religion  comes  from  the  homes  and 
through  the  parents.  This  kind  of  knowledge  is  most 
contagious,  for  it  is  the  fruit  of  love,  and  the  children 


THE  FOURTH  "R"  IN  EDUCATION 

will  absorb,  possibly  without  realizing  it,  both  love 
and  knowledge  and  so  unconsciously  lay  the  founda- 
tion for  their  own  spiritual  lives. 

But,  some  one  may  say,  suppose  the  parents  are 
not  of  this  type,  are  not  in  their  inmost  selves  fol- 
lowers of  the  Christian  life? 

Then  I  can  only  beg  them  to  "  study  the  plot/' 
to  give  Christianity  a  fair  chance  by  becoming  in- 
formed as  to  its  ideals,  to  take  the  trouble  to  look 
into  it  for  themselves  and  see  if  it  is  not  something 
that  they  wish  to  have  for  their  children,  something 
just  as  important  and  just  as  necessary  as  healthy 
bodies  or  a  worldly  education;  something,  in  fact, 
that  they  can  not  afford  to  do  without. 

Knowledge  leads  to  love — it  is  only  ignorance 
we  fear — and  those  who  once  know  what  the  Church 
of  Christ  has  to  offer  will  not  rest  until  at  any  cost 
they  gain  its  influence  for  those  they  love. 

The  history  of  Christianity  is  full  of  dramatic 
and  inspiring  stories.  If  the  children  are  told  these 
stories  their  allegiance  is  quickly  won,  and  enthusi- 
asm and  allegiance  won  in  youth  are  won  for  all 
time.  It  is  indifference  we  fear  most,  and  to  over- 
come indifference  the  children  together  with  their 
parents  must  know,  love,  and  feel  intimate  with  their 
religion. 

This  intimate  love  and  knowledge  can  not  be 

267 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

gained  for  a  child  by  sending  him  vaguely  to  church 
with  his  governess  while  his  parents  play  tennis  or 
golf ;  or  by  driving  him  off  to  Sunday  School  where 
he  is  taught  by  a  possibly  very  good,  but  usually 
very  uninteresting,  local  teacher. 

As  is  true  in  everything  else,  it  is  example,  the 
faith  and  reliance  upon  religion  shown  by  his  parents 
which  have  their  results  in  the  child.  Nothing  \vill 
shake  his  faith  so  quickly  and  completely  as  the 
suspicion  that  persons  older  than  himself  do  not  be- 
lieve what  they  are  trying  to  make  him  believe — 
that  they  are  not  "  in  earnest."  A  child's  faith  once 
shaken,  and  it  is  but  a  short  step  to  the  time  when 
the  whole  fabric  conies  tumbling  down  around  his 
ears. 

Parents  who  have  themselves  made  spiritual 
progress  look  upon  the  holy  things  of  life  with 
reverence,  and  this  is  good  for  the  child.  Such 
parents  believe  in  love,  in  the  sanctity  of  marriage, 
in  the  watchful  care  of  a  heaven-directed  Providence. 
They  insist,  more  by  example  than  by  preaching, 
that  their  children  form  the  habit  of  observing  Sun- 
day, of  being  taught  God's  word,  of  attending  a 
church.  They  command  obedience  to  the  higher 
law,  as  representatives  of  a  Father  in  Heaven,  to  the 
end  that  their  boys  and  girls  may  become  soldiers 
and  pioneers  in  this  dark  world,  of  the  spiritual  life. 


THE  FOURTH  "R"  IN  EDUCATION 

They  speak  simply  and  unaffectedly  of  God,  at  the 
same  time  showing  the  beauty  of  earthly  relations. 

I  have  often  wondered  how  a  certain  mother  I 
know  managed  to  influence  her  four  rather  head- 
strong boys  toward  religion.  Though  each  holds 
a  position  of  importance  and  trust  in  the  world  and 
all  are  thoroughly  of  the  world  in  many  ways,  they 
are  strong  churchmen,  and  loyally  devoted  in  letter 
and  spirit  to  the  Christian  ideals.  I  have  come  to 
think  that  it  is  because  she  never  preaches,  never 
insists,  never  argues,  but  simply  is. 

That  the  sons  of  clergymen  are  proverbially 
bad  is  too  often  because  such  sons  are  forced  to 
make  a  show  of  religion  from  the  time  they  are  born, 
and  are  made  sick  of  the  whole  thing  through  the 
dictatorial  attitude  of  their  parents,  who  narrowly 
insist  upon  a  parade  of  virtue  at  all  times,  and  an 
eternal  going-to-church. 

Suppose  that  we  have  given  both  in  influence 
and  education  what  must  we  demand  of  the  children? 
We  can  not  gain  their  kingdom  for  them.  What  is  it 
fair  and  right  to  ask  of  them?  What  should  be 
their  work  in  the  building  of  the  house  not  made 
with  hands? 

First  of  all,  respect  in  word  and  deed  for  all  the 
higher  things  of  life,  for  human  relationships  as  well 
as  for  divine,  for  everything  spiritual,  whether  it  be 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

friendship,  love,  knowledge,  virtue,  simple  affection, 
or  the  church. 

That  amid  the  wide-spread  secularization  of  the 
day  a  certain  part  of  every  Sunday  be  spent  in  the 
worship  of  God  and  all  of  it  in  restful,  harmless 
relaxation. 

That  they  learn  to  pray,  not  perfunctorily  and 
from  the  lips,  but  deeper,  from  the  heart  and  will, 
and  that  they  do  so  regularly. 

That  they  read  some  few  lines  from  the  Bible 
daily,  even  if  it  be  but  a  single  verse. 

That  they  definitely  join  a  church,  and  definitely 
associate  themselves  with  it  by  giving  some  portion 
of  their  time  in  corporate  work  for  others. 

That  they  read  at  least  one  sound  book  on  some 
moral  or  religious  subject  every  year. 

No  man  or  woman,  no  boy  or  girl  can  be  any- 
thing but  better  for  adhering  to  a  few  simple  rules 
like  these.  No  matter  how  faltering  the  faith  or 
dark  the  outlook  of  the  later  years,  a  youth  in  which 
a  careful  practising  of  the  Christian  Ideal  in  little 
things  has  been  the  habit  must  help. 

And  what  is  the  Christian  Ideal?  It  is  well  to 
keep  it  always  in  the  children's  view,  for  our  strivings 
after  spirituality  amount  to  very  little  unless  we 
know  what  the  fruit  of  the  spirit  is.  St.  Paul  says : 
"  The  fruit  of  the  Spirit  is  love,  joy,  peace,  long- 

270 


THE  FOURTH  "R"  IN  EDUCATION 

suffering,  gentleness,  goodness,  faith,  meekness,  tem- 
perance, against  such  there  is  no  law,"  and  the  Chris- 
tian Ideal  has  always  seemed  to  me  best  expressed 
in  these  familiar  lines : 

Blessed  are  the  poor  in  spirit:  for  theirs  is  the  Kingdom  of 
Heaven. 

Blessed  are  they  that  mourn :  for  they  shall  be  comforted. 

Blessed  are  the  meek :  for  they  shall  inherit  the  earth. 

Blessed  are  they  which  do  hunger  and  thirst  after  righteous- 
ness :  for  they  shall  be  filled. 

Blessed  are  the  merciful :  for  they  shall  obtain  mercy. 

Blessed  are  the  pure  in  heart :  for  they  shall  see  God. 

Blessed  are  the  peace-makers:  for  they  shall  be  called  the 
children  of  God. 

And  to  these  words  may  be  added  a  verse  from  the 
Prophet  Micah  and  another  from  the  Apostle  James, 
both  seeming  to  hold,  as  a  drop  of  water  mirrors  the 
universe,  the  whole  plan  and  wonder  of  the  Christian 
Ideal: 

"  And  what  doth  the  Lord  require  of  thee,  but  to  do  justly, 
and  to  love  mercy,  and  to  walk  humbly  with  thy  God." 

"  Pure  religion  and  undefiled  before  God  and  the  Father 
is  this,  to  visit  the  fatherless,  and  widows  in  their  affliction, 
and  to  keep  himself  unspotted  from  the  world." 

It  is  good  to  remember  that  the  differences  in 
religion  are  mostly  concerned  with  thought,  not  with 
action.  A  very  logical  plan  of  life,  though  it  has 

271 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

nothing  to  do  with  ceremony,  is  outlined  in  the  verses 
just  quoted.  Think  of  the  sorrow  that  might  have 
been  prevented  in  the  last  two  thousand  years  if  men 
had  acted  Christianity  instead  of  talking  theology! 
"  How  much  misery  would  have  been  saved  Europe," 
says  Sir  John  Lubbock,  "  if  Christians  had  been  satis- 
fied with  the  Sermon  on  the  Mount." 

Therefore  what  we  think  matters  very  little.  It 
is  what  we  are  and  do  that  counts.  Let  the  children 
feel  that  beyond  loyalty  to  the  form  of  faith  they 
have  adopted,  it  is  the  quality  of  their  life,  the  quality 
of  their  worship  that  really  matters.  They  must 
come  to  their  religion  with  the  same  thought  as 
should  be  theirs  on  their  wedding  day :  "  What  can 
I  give?  "  not  "  What  can  I  get?  " 

Only  by  giving  to  God  can  one  get  anything  back. 
Being  in  one's  place  at  church  is  a  sign  of  allegiance 
and  an  act  of  worship.  Teach  the  children  that  it  is 
in  the  act  of  offering  themselves  through  worship 
that  they  come  nearest  to  God.  This  thought  is  so 
often  overlooked,  the  motive  of  hearing  a  good  ser- 
mon or  listening  to  good  music  being  given  as  a 
substitute. 

I  used  often  to  hear  a  wise  old  lady  decry  the 
custom  of  following  a  brilliant  preacher  around  from 
church  to  church  or  of  changing  one's  church  often, 

272 


THE  FOURTH  "R"  IN  EDUCATION 

in  order  to  hear  better  music  or  for  some  such  reason. 
She  taught  her  children  that  loyalty  and  allegiance 
to  one  church  were  in  themselves  a  spiritual  help, 
and  that  the  duty  of  each  family  was  to  hold  up  the 
hands  of  the  man  set  to  minister  to  them  in  every 
way  possible,  whether  they  "  liked "  him  or  not. 
They  went  to  church  to  worship  God  and  to  offer 
up  their  prayer  and  praise  and  thanksgiving — noth- 
ing else  mattered. 

This  same  mother  told  me  just  before  she  died, 
at  nearly  ninety  years  of  age,  that  all  through  her 
early  motherhood  it  had  been  her  custom  to  go 
every  New  Year's  eve  to  the  bedsides  of  her  sleeping 
children  and  supplicate  with  Almighty  God  that  they 
might  every  one  be  spared  to  be  noble  men  and 
women  and  to  further  His  Kingdom  upon  the  earth. 

In  simple  loyalty  to  such  mothers  who  have  gone 
before  must  we  not  do  our  best  to  hand  on  the  gifts 
they  have  enriched  by  their  prayers  and  life,  and  to 
continue  their  work? 

Let  me  close  these  thoughts  with  a  few  sugges- 
tions as  to  Sunday  reading. 

I  have  often  noticed  that  children  seem  to  be 
peculiarly  anxious  to  be  read  to,  or  to  read,  on  Sun- 
day. Their  minds  seem  more  than  usually  alert  and 
hungry.  This  is  probably  because  there  is  no  school, 

18  273 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

nor  the  usual  lessons  to  do;  and  also  because  they 
are  stimulated  by  companionship  with  their  parents. 

In  other  words,  there  is  a  unique  opportunity  about 
Sunday — it  is  the  day  of  days  to  give  out  real  things 
to  the  little  ones — the  worst  of  all  days  upon  which 
to  leave  them  with  the  servants  or  to  saturate  them 
with  the  spirit  and  ideals  of  the  comic  supplement 
and  the  Sunday  newspaper.  Let  them  once  begin 
with  it  and  they  are  in  no  mood  for  anything  but  idle- 
ness and  amusement.  The  whole  day  has  become 
hopelessly  secularized.  An  opportunity  to  give  out 
something  real  and  of  eternal  value  has  been  lost. 
An  opportunity  of  this  kind  lost  can  never  be  re- 
gained. Try  to  hold  out  to  the  child  something 
that  he  will  like  better  than  the  comic  section  of  the 
newspaper.  Make  the  Sunday  reading  a  pleasure  by 
taking  an  active  interest  in  it  yourself.  Here  are  a 
few  excellent  books  to  read  aloud  on  Sunday : 

In  God's  Garden,  Steedman. 

An  Old,  Old  Story-Book,  by  Tappin,  illustrated 
by  Kellar. 

Old  Testament  Stones  by  Chisholm  (for  little 
children),  colored  illustrations. 

Stories  from  the  Old  Testament  by  Platt  (for 
older  children),  very  beautifully  illustrated. 

Saints  and  Heroes,  by  Hodges,  for  older  chil- 
dren. 

274 


THE  FOURTH  "R"  IN  EDUCATION 

Sunday  Book  of  Poetry,  by  Alexander. 

Child's  Book  of  Saints,  by  Canton. 

Parables  from  Nature,  by  Gatty. 

Stories  from  the  life  of  Christ,  by  Nelman  (for 
older  children). 

Miss  Olcott,  in  her  valuable  book  on  Children's 
Reading,  says:  "If  children  are  not  too  young  it  is 
well  to  read  the  Bible  systematically  through  to  them, 
skipping  Genealogies  and  unsuitable  parts.  If,  how- 
ever, the  children  are  quite  young  the  following  Bible 
stories  will  interest  them.  Children  should  be  urged 
to  memorize  beautiful  and  helpful  selections  from 
the  Scriptures.  A  list  of  such  is  appended  here. 
The  treasures  of  the  Bible  are  literary  as  well  as 
religious  and  moral.  The  man  or  woman  is  not 
thoroughly  educated  who  is  unfamiliar  with  Bible 
stories  and  allusions  constantly  used  in  secular  litera- 
ture because  of  their  force  in  pointing  a  moral.  In 
making  the  selections  here  this  literary  side  has  been 
considered  as  well  as  the  religious  side. 

From  the  Old  Testament : 

The  Creation  and  the  Garden  of  Eden,  Genesis 
I-III;  Noah's  Ark,  Genesis  VI-IX;  The  Tower  of 
Babel,  Genesis  XI;  Lot's  Wife,  Genesis  XVIII- 
XIX;  Abraham  and  Isaac,  Genesis  XXII;  Jacob's 
Ladder,  Genesis  XXVII ;  Joseph,  Genesis  XXXVII- 
XXXIX-L;  The  Ten  Plagues  and  the  Exodus,  Exo- 

275 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

dus  I-XV;  The  Ten  Commandments,  Exodus  XIX- 
XX,  XXIV,  XXXI-XXXIV;  Moses  and  the  Rock, 
Numbers  XX ;  The  Serpents  in  the  Wilderness,  Num- 
bers XXI;  Balaam's  Ass,  Numbers  XXII-XXIV; 
The  Burial  of  Moses,  Deuteronomy  XXXIV;  The 
Fall  of  Jericho,  Joshua  I— VI;  The  Judges,  Judges 
II;  Gideon's  Fleece,  Judges  VI-VIII;  Jephthah's 
Daughter,  Judges  XI;  Samson,  Judges  XIII-XIV; 
Ruth;  The  Child  Samuel,  I  Samuel  I-III;  David 
and  Goliath,  I  Samuel  XVII;  Jonathan  and  David 
and  the  Cave  of  Engedi,  I  Samuel  XVIII-XXIV; 
The  Wisdom  of  Solomon,  I  Kings  III;  The  Queen 
of  Sheba,  I  Kings  X ;  Elijah  and  the  Ravens,  I  Kings 
XVII;  Elijah  and  Baal's  Prophets,  I  Kings  XVIII; 
Naboth's  Vineyard,  I  Kings  XXI;  Elijah  and  the 
Chariot  of  Fire,  II  Kings  II ;  Elisha  and  the  Widow's 
Son,  II  Kings  IV;  The  Destruction  of  Sennacherib, 
II  Kings  XIX;  Manasseh,  II  Chronicles  XXXIII; 
The  Babylonian  Captivity,  II  Chronicles  XXXVI; 
Esther;  Daniel;  Jonah. 

From  the  New  Testament: 

The  life  of  Christ  as  told  in  the  four  Gospels  is 
simple  enough  to  be  understood  by  young  children, 
therefore  selections  are  not  given  here.  The  follow- 
ing are  the  beautiful  parables,  and  a  few  of  the  acts 
of  the  apostles: 

The  Sower,  St.  Matthew  XIII,  St.  Mark  IV,  St. 

276 


THE  FOURTH  "R"  IN  EDUCATION 

Luke  VIII;  The  Debtor,  St.  Matthew  XVIII;  La- 
borers in  the  Vineyard,  St.  Matthew  XX ;  Husband- 
men and  the  Vineyard,  St.  Matthew  XXI ;  St.  Mark 
XII ;  St.  Luke  XX ;  Marriage  of  the  King's  Son,  St. 
Matthew  XXII ;  The  Ten  Virgins  and  the  Talents, 
St.  Matthew  XXV;  The  Good  Samaritan,  St.  Luke 
X ;  The  Lost  Sheep  and  the  Prodigal  Son,  St.  Luke 
XV ;  Lazarus,  the  Beggar,  St.  Luke  XVI ;  The  Good 
Shepherd,  St.  John  X;  The  Gate  Beautiful,  Acts 
III;  Ananias  and  Sapphira,  Acts  V;  Stephen  the 
Martyr,  Acts  VI-VIII ;  Saul's  Conversion,  Acts  IX ; 
Peter's  Vision,  Acts  X;  Paul's  Shipwreck,  Acts 
XXVII-XXVIII. 

For  memorizing: 

And  Jacob  blessed  Pharaoh,  Genesis  XLVII, 
7-10;  I  am  the  Lord  Thy  God,  Exodus  XX,  1-17; 
The  Lord  bless  thee  and  keep  thee,  Numbers  VI, 
24-26 ;  Entreat  me  not  to  leave  thee,  Ruth  I,  16-17 ; 
Then  the  Lord  answered,  Job  XXXVIII;  Hast 
thou  given  the  horse  strength?  Job  XXXIX, 
19-25 ;  Psalms  I,  XV,  XIX,  XXIII,  XXIV,  XXVII, 
XXXII,  LI,  XCI,  CIII,  CXIX,  CXX,  CXXXIII; 
Proverbs  III,  VI,  VIII ;  And  there  shall  come  forth 
a  rod,  Isaiah  XI,  i-io;  Behold  my  servant,  Isaiah 
XLII,  1-9,  Arise,  shine  for  thy  light  is  come,  Isaiah 
LX,  1-5 ;  The  spirit  of  the  Lord  God  is  upon  me, 
Isaiah  LXI,  1-2 ;  Behold  I  will  send  my  messenger, 

377 


SELF-TRAINING  FOR  MOTHERS 

Malachi  III,  1-2;  And  seeing  the  multitude,  St. 
Matthew  V,  1-2;  Behold  the  fowls  of  the  air,  St. 
Matthew  VI,  26-34;  My  soul  doth  magnify  the 
Lord,  St.  Luke  I,  46-55 ;  For  God  so  loved  the 
world,  St.  John  III,  16-18;  I  am  the  bread  of  Life, 
St.  John  VI,  35r40;  I  am  the  Good  Shepherd,  St. 
John  X,  11-15;  Let  not  your  heart  be  troubled, 
St.  John  XIV;  I  am  the  true  vine,  St.  John  XV, 
1-14;  For  I  am  persuaded,  Romans  VIII,  38-39; 
O,  the  depth  of  the  riches,  Romans  XI,  33-36; 
Though  I  speak  with  the  tongues  of  men  and  of 
angels,  I  Corinthians  XIII ;  And  I  saw  a  new  heaven, 
Revelation  XXI;  And  he  shewed  me  a  pure  river, 
Revelation  XXII."  * 

*  The  Children's  Reading,  Frances  Jenkins  Olcott. 


"O  almighty  and  most  merciful  Father,  who  has  prom- 
ised children  as  a  reward  to  the  righteous,  and  hast  given  them 
to  me  as  a  testimony  of  Thy  mercy,  and  an  engagement  of 
my  duty;  be  pleased  to  be  a  father  unto  them,  and  give  them 
healthful  bodies,  understanding  souls,  and  sanctified  spirits, 
that  they  may  be  Thy  servants  and  children,  all  their  days. 
Let  a  great  mercy  and  providence  lead  them  through  the  dan- 
gers and  temptations  and  ignorances  of  their  youth,  that  they 
may  never  run  into  folly,  and  the  evils  of  an  unbridled  appetite. 
So  order  the  accidents  of  their  lives,  that,  by  good  education, 
careful  tutors,  holy  example,  innocent  company,  prudent  coun- 
sel, and  Thy  restraining  grace,  their  duty  to  Thee  may  be 
secured  in  the  midst  of  a  crooked  and  untoward  generation: 
and  if  it  seem  good  in  Thy  eyes,  let  me  be  enabled  to  provide 
conveniently  for  the  support  of  their  persons,  that  they  may 
not  be  destitute  and  miserable  in  my  death ;  or  if  Thou  shalt  call 
me  off  from  this  world  by  a  more  timely  summons,  let  their 
portions  be,  Thy  care,  mercy,  providence,  over  their  bodies  and 
souls:  and  may  they  never  live  vicious  lives,  nor  die  violent 
or  untimely  deaths ;  but  let  them  glorify  Thee  here  with  a  free 
obedience,  and  the  duties  of  a  whole  life;  that,  when  they 
have  served  thee  in  their  generations,  and  have  profited  the 
Christian  commonwealth,  they  may  be  coheirs  with  Jesus,  in  the 
glories  of  Thy  eternal  kingdom,  through  the  same  our  Lord 
Jesus  Christ."  AMEN. 

—JEREMY  TAYLOR. 


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